Amber Hollingsworth (host of the Put the Shovel Down YouTube channel) presents seven common mistakes families make when supporting an addicted loved one and offers practical alternatives. Key points: (1) don't simply tell them to stop — focus on solving underlying problems and barriers (e.g., detox, social issues); (2) don't expect immediate change — recovery is a slow, trial-and-error process; (3) don't expect the addicted person to do all resource research — families should do legwork and present options; (4) don't try to manage the loved one’s recovery or micromanage — set expectations but allow ownership; (5) don't expect 100% honesty immediately — honesty is gradual and habitual dishonesty may persist; (6) do listen to the loved one’s stated reasons (use as an entry point) rather than immediately dismissing them; (7) even if exhausted, stay involved with treatment/counselors because it helps coordinate care. Bonus: educate yourself about addiction and recovery.
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This is seven really, really common mistakes that families with addicted loved ones often make. But don't worry, I'm not just going to tell you what not to do. I will definitely follow that up by telling you what to do instead. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you are watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel exclusively to help you understand the science and psychology of addict. So you can always be five steps ahead of it so that ultimately you can get yourself and your family back on track. Okay, mistake number one is gonna sound really strange to you. Wait till you hear it. Mistake number one is don't ask them to stop drinking or stop using drugs. I know what you're thinking. You're like, amber, are you serious? Isn't that the whole point? I know it seems like it, right? And it is. The whole point is to figure out how to get them to stop using drugs and drinking. However, my guess is, if you're watching my video, you've already done that a whole bunch of times. You've already asked them to stop. In fact, you've probably threatened, nag, complained, prayed. You've done all of that, and that method just hasn't worked for you. So instead of asking them to stop drinking or stop using, focus on how to help solve the problem. So maybe it's, they can't stop drinking or using because they need detox. So maybe we need to focus on if they want to, but they can't. Maybe we need to focus on solutions that would actually make that possible. Sometimes it's, how do I solve the problem? Like, the reason why they're drinking and using in the first place. So if it's a young person who has this giant problem in their life, like their girlfriend just broke up with them, or they don't have any friends, or this is the way they fit in. Maybe let's focus on how to find solutions to those issues. So asking someone just to plain stop using drugs or drinking alcohol or even demanding it is ineffective if you're dealing with addiction. In fact, if you've asked them to stop drinking and using and they did, and that was it, and it was over. It's not addiction. So if you're watching this video, I'm guessing that hasn't worked for you in the past. Mega mistake number two that families with addicted loved ones often make is expecting immediate change. So oftentimes, you spend all that time and energy getting them to get help or do something different or go to counseling, and then you're like, thank God we finally got them to rehab. And it's this big sense of relief because it's taking a lot of time, energy, money, everything to get them there. And then you're like, thank God it's over. Well, no, it's the beginning of the recovery process. I know you're exhausted. You don't have anything left to give, but you're going to have to dig way down in there to your toes and find something else. Because recovery is almost always never a smooth process. There are going to be ups and downs, and when you see those, I don't want you to think it's not working. Just understand that you're in the process. Recovery is a learning things like anything else. It's going to take a little trial and error. So if you go into it knowing that and having that expectation, you'll be so much less frustrated with the process. Okay. Number three is a thing that I see all the time. And not only is it just that families do this, but I see and hear people, even professionals and other addiction counselors and treatment centers, telling families to do this. I'm gonna tell you not to do it. You decide what you want to do, but I'm gonna tell you not to do it. I'm gonna tell you why you shouldn't do it. So number three is don't expect your loved one to do the research on all the resources. Call the treatment centers, find the counselors, make the appointments. And I know you've probably had people tell you, like, they need to take ownership of it, like, they need to solve that problem. Here' if you're dealing with someone that's addicted, they might not have the capacity to do that. So one day they might be really in it, and they're like, I'm gonna get this done. You know, I'm gonna solve this problem. I'm willing. I'm gonna. Counseling looking for treatment options. Calling counseling centers usually takes a few days. It's usually a long process. It's usually a lot of difficult questions. It's usually a lot of insurance questions. And maybe the person has to do it themselves. I mean, sometimes there are parts of the process that the person will have to do themselves. Like eventually the treatment center is going to want to talk to them. So it's not so much that you can just totally bypass them in the process. But I always encourage families to do the legwork, hopefully behind the scenes, before the person's ever to the point of deciding to get help so that you have some options laid out. And it's definitely good to let them be part of the process. So I usually say have it narrowed down to some options. Say, you know, I've heard this place is good. Lay them all out to the person and let them sort of pick between and maybe make a phone call or two. But expecting an addicted person to do all the legwork involved is kind of a setup for failure. Yes, it has happened. I'm not saying it never happens. I'm just saying like this is about staying five steps ahead. And I'm telling you right now, you want to be ahead of that game because they may make the first phone call, but then they don't follow up. Then you don't really know the whole story anyways. You want to be involved in this part of the process. Number four, big giant mistake that families make, unfortunately, is that they try to manage their loved ones recovery. If you've watched many of my videos, then you already know this is their side of the street. Why do I say it all the time? Because it's a. It's a thing that we want to take control back. Like in recovery, in 12 steps, they say hand it over, which is kind of like hand over your will to the group, to your counselor, to your higher power, whatever, and listen to someone else. As family members. What we want to do is we want to take back control of the recovery situation. So this may be a situation where you have to, as we call it in recovery, hand it over multiple times a day. Because you're like, okay, that's not my side of the street. Hand it over. And then 30 minutes later something happens, you get triggered up and you start wanting to take it all back and manage all of those pieces, but it doesn't work. It causes the person to be resentful, feel control, which is usually their trigger button. And then they just get oppositional about things that they might not have been oppositional about to begin with because they just want to power struggle with you about it. Because they don't want to be bossed, but do expect them to manage their recovery. It's okay to have expectations that they manage their recovery. You just don't get to micromanage that. So you need to say, hey, I'm expecting you to figure out and do what you need to do to keep yourself clean and sober or for that not to be impacting this family. It's kind of like you put the expectation out there and you let them do some of that unless they ask for your help. You know, if it's like, can you call that Counselor. You call the counselor. I'm just saying don't, like, jump in there and do things that they don't really want you to do. That's intrusive, like require certain things, you know, like certain amount of times to call your sponsor or go to meetings or all of those things. Don't do that. Number five might be a really hard one, because number five mistake that families with addicted loved ones often make is expecting 100% honesty right out the gate. Your loved one has probably been lying to you for a really long time. And even if they do want to tell you the truth, it's almost habitual at this point. And they may, like, immediately say something to you almost reflexively that's not the truth. They're probably holding some skeletons back that you don't know about. Even if they've confessed or said, I had a problem or this or that, they probably didn't tell you the whole story. And you know what? You don't want to know the whole story. You'll be traumatized if you heard all the things that I hear. So be okay with that. Allow someone to say, you know what, I lied, and come back and tell you the truth. And try hard not to get really upset about that because that's going to help them to be able to tell you the truth the next time. And learning to be honest and transparent is a huge task of people in recovery. It's talked about a lot in 12 step. It's talked about a lot in counseling and treatment, but it is a thing that takes some time. It does. It's a process. So it's not going to be there immediately, 100% right out the gate. Number six, mega mistake that families make is not listening to their loved ones input on the situation. So maybe your loved one keeps saying, well, I'm drinking because it helps me sleep, or, you know, I'm just smoking weed because it helps my anxiety. Now, you might know because you watch some videos or because you've done some research because you're going to recover yourself. You might know that those things probably are not helpful, and you might immediately have the response in your head, well, you shouldn't do that because. Or that's not the right way. But you've got to listen to them. Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, you can still use what they're saying to you as a point of entry to get the door open. So even if you know, you know that's not the best way to solve that problem or whatever don't come out the gate with that. Meet them where they are. That's like a counseling term. Meet them where they are. Take whatever they give you and use that as a hook to help figure out another way to solve that problem, like join them in the issue, even if you really disagree about it. Number seven, big giant mistake that families make when they have an addicted loved one is that you're so frustrated and worn out and exhausted that by the time your loved one does get to treatment and the counsel wants talk to you or have you involved or wants you to do this and that, you're just like, no, dude, like this your problem. You didn't wore me out. You just need to go on and fix it. I get. You know what, that's fair. That is valid. And if it were like, you know, the principle of the matter, that's the way it would be. That's the truth. But it's ineffective. So whether or not it should or shouldn't be that way isn't really the question here. What we talk about on this channel is what works. And what works is you want to be involved in that process, because most likely the your loved one is going to be telling the addiction counselor something, and you something else, and you know, grandmama, something else, whatever. And you want to be involved in that process so that you know what's going on, so that you know they're telling the whole truth, so that you know that they're making progress or they're not. And so. Or maybe so that the counselors or treatment people or whatever can guide you on, hey, do this or don't do that, or, you know, don't give them money for that, or, yeah, it'll be okay if you help them buy a bike to get back. Fortunately, whatever. So do be involved in the process. I'm not saying it's fair. I'm just saying you need to do it because that's what works. Now, the last little bonus thing I'm gonna throw at you is do make sure you educate yourself about what you're dealing with. And guess what? If you're watching this video, you're already doing that. So congratulations, you are on your way to successful family recovery. And I'm going to put the next video up here for you so that you can keep on your path of being five steps ahead.
