Empowering Yourself: Dealing With An Addicted Spouse

Today I. I started early. Sorry, guys. Welcome. So today I am going to talk to you guys about some of the biggest mistakes that I see in my office or in my sessions. So these are four ways that I see partners and spouses accidentally self sabotaging and they don't typically know that they're doing it. And so I want to make sure that if you are doing this, that you know what to do instead. Because chances are, even if you don't think you're doing it, you're probably doing at least one of them, maybe two. So the first thing I'm going to start with are requests. So I like to always identify the difference between a request and a boundary and information update. And I kind of, I think it's important to be able to recognize what exactly are these things and then to make sure that we're not doing them. So the first thing that I always identify when I'm working with someone on setting boundaries is a request. So a request is simply just asking somebody to do something or asking somebody not to do something. And so what that might sound like is you might say, hey, can you pass me the salt? That's a request. You may say, I don't want you to drive the kids. I don't want you to drive the kids when you've been drinking. That's a request. You may say, I don't want you to drink at Thanksgiving. That's a request. So all of those things are requests. So a lot of times people think that when they give a request that really they're setting a boundary. So then when the person doesn't actually follow the request, they get mad or sad or frustrated, or they just think they're walking all over my boundaries. And so I think it's really, really important to be able to identify that these are just requests. Some requests are way more important than other ones, but they're all still just a request. The next one, the next mistake that I see a lot of people making is they think that when they're giving an information update that they're setting a boundary. But this is not a boundary. This is just an information update. And so an information update would be telling somebody what you're going to do. And so I always think of this as an informed consent. So if you do this, then I will do that. So if you decide to drink too much when we go to Thanksgiving, just so you know, I'm going to get an Uber and come home if you decide that you want to have this conversation when you've been drinking that's totally fine. I can't help you with that. But what I'm going to do is I'm not going to engage in that conversation with you. Again. This is not a boundary, this is an information update. And the other thing that when we use information updates correctly, they. They help us stay out of ultimatums, they help us stay out of really sticky situations that when, when it's a really intense emotional moment, we' said what we're going to do, so then we just have to do it. And the actual doing it is the holding the boundary. And so when we can use requests and information updates together, they're really strategic, easy ways to hold our boundaries. And so the next thing I want to talk about, and talk about this one a little bit longer is actually setting a boundary and holding a boundary. So a lot of people, there's so much talk and there's so many talks and there's so much information on boundaries to the point where sometimes people even hate the word. At this point they're like boundary this and boundary that, boundary this. And so to be able to recognize and in my mind, what I think of when I think about boundaries, boundaries are 90% in your head. Boundaries are our relationship that we have with ourselves. That really is 90% of the work is done within ourselves. So if we can have a really strong awareness of what we believe in, what we think, what we know we need to do, what we're willing to do, what we can tolerate, what we shouldn't tolerate, all of that is a breeding ground for boundaries. And so once we know all of those things, as far as, hey, this is bad for me or this is good for me or this is what I will or won't do, then 90% of the heavy work is already done because we've already figured that out within ourselves in moments that were the. Wasn't really intense. The intense moments come when we have to hold it. So this is where we're going to pair the requests and the information update and a boundary all together. So somebody comes home and they've been drinking and you've already said, hey, I really don't want you to drink around the kids. That's a request. And you've also said, if you choose to drink around the kids, the kids and I are probably going to go to my mom's just because I don't really want to have that situation around the kids. So now you've done an information update. So the time comes and you've already said to yourself, hey, the last two Times when he was coming home and he was drinking, you know, we thought it was in front of the kids. I really don't want to do that today. So he comes home, you've already given a request, you've already given an information update. And so, okay, you know, kids and I are going to go to my mom's. That's where the boundary is held. And you can see how when I say that, I make it out to be really calm. I get that it's not going to be this calm in your guys's living rooms. It might be, but it might not be. But the heavy work is done in your mind before any of this stuff even happens. Because you've already decided in your own mind what boundary you're going to hold. And chances are, if you've already set the boundary in your mind, if he comes home drinking and the kids are home, that I'm going to go to my mom's. There's a ton of reasons why you've already made that boundary. A ton of reasons why you've already been mulling over what should I do in this situation. So all you do is you really be able to figure out in your own mind what's tolerable, what's not tolerable, what should I do in these moments. And then what you do is you prepare yourself for the next time a boundary needs to be made by giving requests, by giving information updates. And then when the time comes, you simply just launch into the boundary which you've already said you're going to do. The other thing I really like about this three part strategy really is the request the information update and then holding the boundary is it, it allows you to decide if and when you need to hold this line. Because if you say, hey, if you decide to drink then and you come home and the kids are home, I may end up going to my mom's. I don't have to go to my mom's. Maybe things are great, maybe you come home and there's absolutely no problems at all. So I decide, hey, the kids are sleeping and you're not picking a fight. I don't have to go to my mom's. But maybe you come home and you're picking a fight. So I do need to go to my mom. So when we use the request and the information update together, it allows us to be able to really know if and when we need to hold that boundary without getting into ultimatums, without getting into power struggles. So I think that it's super important to recognize where are you giving requests, are they appropriate requests? Are there too many requests? Because that's the other mistake that I see a lot of people make with requests, is they make too many, and then they get really mad when they're not followed. So the. And the last one, which is where I'm gonna spend a little bit more time on, is I. I call this the flopping hand or the flapping hand. So the flapping hand, you don't wanna be the flapping hand. The whole thing of this is you don't wanna be the flapping hand. And for the most part, this is the biggest mistake I see people make. So I want you to pay attention to both of my hands. Which hand are you looking at? You're looking at the flapping hand. Because what happens here is when we're in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction, there's always this. And this is whatever it is that needs to be discussed. This is whatever it is that's the elephant in the room. This is the big topic of the week. This is the betrayal. This is something peculiar that happened. And so what happens is addicts are. They're magnificently skilled at deflection, and that's the flapping hand. And so as spouses, we accidentally walk into this role so quickly. And the way we do this is we lecture, we preach, we teach, we repeat ourselves, we nag, we ask questions. Instead of praising, we do a little bit of appraise, and then we give lots of suggestions on how we can repeat this. Oh, you did such a good job only having two beers. Maybe next time you should. And then we launch into this wonderful theory of how we can make that happen. And every time we do that, we become the flapping hand. And again we look at. This is just a form of deflection. So then what happens is when we do this, then the conversation becomes about our preaching, our lecturing, our emotional withholding, our bad mood, our yelling, our screaming, our whatever it is when we do this. And so what we do to tie all of these things in together is you figure if I'm making requests that say, hey, please don't drive the kids drunk, that's a request. If I say, you can't drive the kids anymore, I'm not going to let you drive the kids anymore because you drove them drunk, that's an information update. And then it comes to the point where, okay, I'm going to be taking the kids everywhere. I've got other people there to pick them up from school. And so this is just an example of How? We have the request, we have the information update, we have the boundary. And nowhere in there, did I yell? Did I scream? Did I say, are you going to be willing to help me with the kids? Are you going to get up with the kids in the middle of the night? Are you going to help take them to and from this place? Are you going to pay this bill? Because once we can really walk into acceptance of where we are in this process and where our loved one is in this process, we by default take a lot of the ammunition off the table to be the flapping hand. Because we're not going to ask a lot of questions when we know the answer if we can really have radical acceptance. And radical acceptance simply just means I accept things that are hard. I accept the situation that I'm in. I accept where the relationship is in this moment for what it is, not what I think it should be, not what I wish it was, but what it actually is. Then we stop lecturing, we stop teaching, we stop critiquing. And the quicker we can do that, the quicker we stop being the flapping hand. So I want you guys to really think about all of these things together, because this is how you really, truly set good boundaries in your relationship. And remember what I said before, boundaries are 90% internal. So if I think that's my own theory. So if I think in my mind that I really have a strong sense of awareness of what's good for me now, and what's good for me now might not be what was good for me two months ago. It might not be what's good for me in two weeks from now. But for right now, where I'm at in this process, if I can have a really strong sense of awareness on that, then I am going to set my expectations and what is good for me and what is good for my situation in my own mind. And once I develop a ton of awareness around that, I'm going to make requests that match that. I'm going to make information updates that match that. And once I do that strategically and consistently, then when the time comes for me to actually set a boundary, I can set it. And chances are I don't even have to declare it's happening. I can just do it. Because I've already said what I was going to do. Hey, if. If I notice that there's money coming out of the checking account that we haven't talked about, I'm going to have to open up a separate checking account because I don't like the way it feels. Not to be able to pay our bills. So, boom, we see another charge hit the account, and we don't say, I'm going to go open up a checking account. We go, open up a checking account. Because again, I've already requested please stop spending extra money. I've already information updated. Hey, just so you know, if this happens again, this is what I'm going to do. Because I don't really like the way I feel. I don't like the way I'm behaving when I see these charges. It makes me really nervous not to be able to pay our bills. It happens again. So then I hold the boundary. We'll do the same thing with, hey, I really don't like the way it feels when we go to a family event and you kind of go, mia. And I'm trying to figure out, you know, how to navigate all the questions that are coming at me. So could you please not do that next time we go there? And so, boom, that's a request. The information update is. And if you choose to do that, then I'm just going to figure out a way to get home by myself. So then if we find ourselves in that situation and it's happening, then we find a way home. So you can see in a lot of these ways, it's just us moving from asking what we want, saying what we're going to do, and then actually doing it. And the whole time we're doing this, we prevent being the flapping hand. So this is. I know it sounds really simple, but I promise. And it is simple if you think about it. If we can move away all the complex layers of what it's like to actually be in these really heated, intense situations, it is simple, but it's really, really hard to do. So those are the four ways that I teach on boundaries, and those are the four things that I think if you really want to set appropriate, clear boundaries in your relationship, Those are the four tips that I always give, and those are the top four mistakes that I see couples making all the time in my office. So if we have any questions, I would love to answer those. All right. How do you give an information update without sounding the B word? That's a great question. So for a lot of this, what you have to do is you have to be able to kind of practice this neutral or positive tone. And so what this might mean is you have to kind of watch the upticks in your voice, Especially for women. I do it all the time. I'm so bad at this. I can teach It. But I know I'm bad at it. The uptick is where you say, will you please not spend any money? And so we have that uptick by. Typically, every time we get an uptick in our voice, we tend to sound a little bit be. And so to be able to say, we just kind of want to be neutral. And the other thing that I like to teach on this, this is a great question. The other thing I like to think on this is picture in your mind that you're at a cookout and you're saying, hey, do you want a hot dog or a hamburger? You're just simply asking, do you want a hot dog or a hamburger? And so it's a very neutral tone. So literally think to yourself, hot dog or hamburger? Before you. Before you get the information update. All right, any other questions? All right, how do you have requests and information updates at the same time? Good question. You don't. So what you do is you give the request first and then you give an information update. So they're not all one together. The request might be, could you please not over drink? When we go to dinner tonight with the people I work with, the information update would be, if you choose to do this, then I'm probably just going to ride home with Rhonda. I've already asked, asked her about it. No one really knows it's happening. But I would really appreciate if you didn't overdrink tonight. But if you do choose to overdrink, then I am going to ride home with Rhonda. And a lot of these skills are skills that we teach in our membership, our skills membership, our advanced skills membership. And this, this week, because we've hit our 100,000 subscribers mark, which is fantastic, we are offering a 30% discount on that. So a lot of these, you know, all these skills are things that we teach in the membership. All right, we have any other questions? Question. Let's see. How do you handle it when they get irate and accusatory after you follow through with what you said when it happened, if you messed up. Good, good, good question. So this is what we do. You again, just like the hot dog and a hamburger, you have to maintain this really strong sense of collectiveness, I guess, because what they're trying to do is if you've taught them the flapping hand works. And I know this is a silly thing to look at, but it's a really good. It's a really good visual because in that moment, it's easy if he, if he or she's becoming Irate. They want you to be irate. They want to switch positions. Because when they become irate, if you take the bait, then they just sit there and they watch. Look at her go crazy. Look at her lose her stuff. Because then you've walked into flapping hands. So what you do in that moment is you stay again, hamburgers or hot dog, you stay really, really calm and collective. And every single person has a breaking point. You have to know yours. So. And by the breaking point, I mean to the point where you're going to lose your temper, you're going to say something ridiculous. So if you know yours is pretty short, and a lot of times people are, then you just need to say it, and then you need to probably exit the room. Let's see. How do you know the right boundaries to set? Sometimes I'm just so angry, I don't know what the best thing to do, what to do is. And the motions take over. That's a good point, too. This is where. This is where I think it's really important to pay attention to what I said before, where boundaries are 90% personal. They're decisions we make with ourselves. Like a really easy one I always use because it's. It's easy to relate to and is just. I don't. I don't like people I don't like. I don't like my kids to be around adults that are mean to their kids. So when we go to the park or we go anywhere, if there's an adult that's really snapping at their kids, I don't have to ask myself in that moment, what do I do? How do I get my kids off the slide because I'm so convicted in this boundary, If I can prevent my kids from being around this, I do just. I don't like it. Plus me, I don't like to be around that situation. So when we think about the right boundary to set, we think about this. When we're in our quiet moments, we think about this, reflecting on other times that maybe we lost ourselves or we lost our temper. And if we can identify that before the moment comes, then we do that. Because if we can do that, it prevents you from being so angry and in the moment, if you feel like you're super angry and you just don't know what to do, don't set a boundary, because chances are you're going to give away your personal power. So you can simply just say, hey, I need a minute. Or you can just say, we can talk about this later. But if you're really, truly overcome with anger. That's not the time to set a boundary. Let's see. After trying to help my alcoholic brother by letting him stay with me for two weeks, I asked him to leave. When he didn't follow, when he didn't follow conditions. How do I rearrange or something? Okay, so he is very angry and homeless. I would say you really. How do I rearrange with him? I think you can say to him, you know, staying here didn't really work for either one of us. And you can just kind of help him identify or validate the fact that it didn't work for either one of you. And if you're, if there's something else that you want to do to help him, you certainly can. If you. How do I re. Engage with him? Sorry, I misread that. So I think that you can certainly reach out to him and just say, hey, this wasn't working for you, either one of us. And you can offer him something else. You know, can I take you to lunch? Or you can offer just something kind in there, but validate that it didn't work for either one of you. And he probably will be angry and that's okay because again, that, that's possibly a flapping hand moment. Because with addiction, if they can deflect, then it feeds that self pity and that resentment. Plus the disease is still very much, very much in his mind going on. What's a good boundary for the addict who hasn't worked for a year? Is it probation and continues to drink? Should we call probation? I wouldn't call probation on that one because what that's going to do is that's going to put you in the bad guy role. If you want to call probation because it's hitting a boundary inside of yourself. Because remember, boundaries are. They're about these relationships we have with ourselves. So if something inside of you is saying, hey, this doesn't feel good on my part and this is crossing over my boundary, then you can call probation. But if it really is, hey, this, I think this will help him get into recovery or he needs to be told on, then I would not call. Can you be addicted to money? Absolutely. Yes. Yes, you can be addicted to money. You can be addicted to spending money, you can be addicted to making money. This is where spending addictions. Gambling addiction. Yes, you can be addicted to money. What do you do when they follow you around trying to get you. Oh, this one is so infuriating. And I get it all the time. So this is. And if, if you typically if you, if you are the flapping hand typically, and you are the one you yell or you scream or you withhold, I didn't mention withholding. Withholding is another way to be the flapping hand, even though it doesn't seem like it. But if you withhold your love or your attention, then what they do sometimes is they just nag and nag and nag and nag until they get you to finally do whatever it is that they want you to do. So when they follow you around, one, they're going to do this. If you're learning not to be the deflector, if you're learning not to be the flapping hand, they are going to follow you around hoping that they can get you back into that role. But the other option where they're going to follow you around is because they don't have enough self control or they're desperate or this is what they've learned gets their way. So I would say with this one, you probably have to leave the house or you have to leave the room. Room, because they're not going to stop. And like I said before, we all have a breaking point where I don't care who you are, if someone's following you around the house long enough, you're going to snap. And so to be able to know your own limits and you probably have to exit the situation because we can't bring reason to somebody that's being unreasonable and someone that's trying to get you to do what they want you to do by following you around the house is unreasonable. How do you know if you were calm? How do you know if you were calm and collective on calling them out on infidelity? And they respond like they did nothing wrong. Do you know? Do you, let's see, do you think they heard you regardless? Yes. Yes, they. And they contemplate later, yes, they definitely have heard you. And so your job on this is with, with infidelity specifically, and not just infidelity actually, with addiction too, but any, any kind of destructive behavior where trust is being hit, oftentimes people will deny it the first time. And so what you do is you just maintain that calmness. You maintain that collectiveness and you maintain what you know are going to try to deflect. They are going to try to possibly call you crazy, possibly call you controlling, possibly call you jealous, possibly pull up anything you've done in the past that was somewhat suspicious. It might even be, you know, well, you racked up $20,000 on the Visa bill where you're like, that doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, but they're going to try to pull possibly something out from the past because again, what it does is it deflects and it puts you into the. Into the clapping hand position. So what you do is exactly what you said. You just stay calm. You don't have to repeat yourself. You can just say, I'm really not going to have this conversation until we're ready to have a conversation with both of us. Or I don't really want to have this conversation in these terms. So this is what I think has happened. And then you can just kind of let it lie until they're ready to do something else.

Kim, that was awesome.

Felt like rapid fire.

You couldn't see me behind the scenes, but I was shaking my hand. Sister back here. I was like cheering you on. That was fantastic.

Thank you.

You guys give Kim some love in the comments and in the chat. Because of all of us, she likes doing these the least she gets. She gets a little nervous about them. We want her to come back. So y' all give her some love.

That's true.

And don't forget, all this week, we are going live to celebrate our 100k. I'm so excited. Tomorrow and Wednesday, we have Campbell going live talking about parenting addiction issues. On Thursday, we have the founder of Art Accelerated Resolution Therapy coming on live. And on Friday, I will be doing a special Ask Amber episode where I'm just here to answer all of your questions. So we're super excited. Thank you guys for everyone who helped us get here. If you are not a member of our Advanced Recovery Skills membership, this week is a great week to do it because you can get 30% off. You can use the code and check out celebrate all caps 100k. And it's also in the description in.

Case you need it.

All right, everybody, we will see you here tomorrow at 1 Eastern. Thanks, Kim.

Thanks for having me. All right, bye.