A short educational YouTube video by Amber Hollingsworth (master addiction counselor) that lists and explains 10 common non-monetary ways family members enable a loved one with addiction. Amber defines enabling broadly (emotional/behavioral support that lets the person continue substance use) and walks through ten signs: making excuses; excessive nagging/harping on responsibilities; fixing mistakes/covering consequences; lying for the person; failing to enforce stated boundaries; making decisions from guilt/fear/shame; prioritizing the addict’s needs over others; minimizing or justifying their behavior; working harder to solve their problems than they do; and allowing the person to cast you as the “bad guy.” The video closes with links to playlists about healthy boundaries and Helping vs Enabling, and an offer to book family coaching.
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So many people get stuck on the idea that enabling just means giving people money or buying them things. But enabling is so much more than that. So in this video, I'm going to give you the top 10 ways that you could be enabling. Not even aware that you're doing it, because these things don't even involve money at all. If this is your first time joining us, welcome. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and you are watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping families understand the psychology of addiction so you can recover your loved one and get your life back on track. Now, if that sounds like something you need to do, consider subscribing. Alright, let's go through our list. I'm going to give you those 10 things now. And all of these things are more like emotional things, because like I said before, you can give someone the emotional currency to continue to justify and be able to make these bad decisions over and over and over again. Okay, Number one, you might be enabling if you are making excuses for the person. So, like, for example, if you know that the person has stayed up all night drinking, using drugs and can't function well enough to go to work the next day, and you're calling in because you just desperately don't want them to lose that job, because if you know if they lose that job, it's gonna get really bad. Or you're calling the school because you know they have now missed that day past the 10 days or however many days it is that they're allowed to be absent. You're calling the school and you're making an excuse for them. Basically, you're trying to sort of run interference for them. Definitely an enabling behavior. Number two, you are harping on them about their responsibilities. You keep nagging and nagging and nagging and you make sure they do their homework, you make sure they stop by and pay that bill. You make sure they call their mother on her birthday and say happy Birthday. Now, of course, everyone giving a reminder, you know, is being helpful, but nagging and just staying on top of it, on top of it and on top of it, that's definitely a whole nother level of something. And the problem, the reason why I put that enabling category is because you might just get them to do that. And when they do those things, it just adds to the false reality that their life is manageable. So it's like you're getting them to be functional just enough to convince them that they got this under control and that enables more bad decisions. Number three, fixing their Mistakes like paying their tickets, like bailing them out of jail, like paying their really exorbitantly high car insurance. Now, those are all ways that we think about fixing mistakes that involve money. But there are ways that we fix their mistakes by covering up for them. So, like before we talked about running interference. It's almost like damage control, trying to help before the problem happens. This is sort of the same thing, but doing it on the back end of the problem. So you can, you know, if your addict or alcoholic has done a lot of damage to a relationship, you can kind of run interference on the back end by trying to fix that. You can try to fix things by asking their teacher to give them extra credit. So anytime you're going in and you're fixing some of the problems that they've caused, definitely enabling number four. Now, number four is similar to the one previous to that, but it's just taking it to a whole other level. So not only are you kind of going in, run interference and trying to, like, smooth things over for someone, but in number four, you're flat out lying for the person. Not just trying to sort of bend the truth a little bit, but when you're just lying, you don't want people to find out about this. Sometimes it's because you're trying to protect your loved one, and sometimes, honestly, it's because you're trying to protect yourself because you don't want to deal with the hassle or the heartache of it. Now, I'm definitely a big proponent that you don't necessarily. It's not your job to necessarily go out and tell the whole world or shout it from the rooftops, but it's also not your job to lie for the person number five. Not holding the boundaries that you have very clearly set. So if you have already set boundaries that says if this, then that, and you're just not doing it, definitely enabling. Now, I want to give you another little word on that topic, because I'm usually against setting these hardcore, like, black and white, no tolerance lines in the sand kind of rules because of this very thing. Because what you're going to do is you're going to back yourself into a corner and you're either going to find yourself in a situation where you're not going to be able to back up something that you said you were going to do, or you're not going to want to do that, which is going to make you look like a liar and like you're inconsistent, and then they just basically blow you off. Anytime you say something like that ever again or you're going to have to back it up and do what you said, even though you really don't feel like the situation is pertinent or you're not emotionally ready to do that. So be very, very careful about any of those if then statements that you put out there. Those of you that know me pretty well, you've seen a lot of these videos. You know that I am not a fan of the home contracts. I've got some videos on that. Be sure and check them out because I know that might sound a little confusing to you and you've probably been told the opposite of that before. Number six, making any kind of decisions out of guilt, fear or shame. Those are making decisions because you're trying to avoid something, particularly a negative feeling. And it's a desperate kind of decision making. When you find yourself doing that, you're probably making enabling decisions. Number seven, putting the addict or the alcoholic's needs above not just your own, but everyone else in the house. So let's say it's your spouse, or let's say it's your kid and there are other siblings in the house, or there are other kids in the house or just whoever else is in the family that's really close and you're putting their needs ahead of everyone else's. Like when it's Christmas day or it's the big event, it's somebody's birthday dinner and the addict or the alcoholic hasn't shown up and your literally holding everybody, you're holding Christmas hostage waiting for this person to come home. Because I want you thinking about this, when they come home, it's not gonna be a good scene because they might miss it all together, they might be really late, they might be intoxicated. You know, you're letting that run the show and I know it's really hard not to because inside you're in such a difficult place. It's like it's hard to even celebrate things or care about things. But to the best that you can, make sure that you're trying to keep the family as balanced as you possibly can. Number eight, minimizing or justifying their behaviors. I know that lots of times when you're dealing with someone with an addiction problem, they do have difficult things in their life. And they may have other mental health concerns like depression, anxiety, insecurities, self esteem, stresses. And I totally get that. I'm not saying like, oh, that's not it at all. It's an excuse. What I am saying is, yeah, they probably do have that and yeah, it may be super likely that they're using substances to medicate some kind of situation like that. But you cannot minimize it or keep allowing it to happen because you feel really bad for them about that. And mostly because it's a really ineffective strategy to solve that problem. So definitely don't fall into the pity party. You're not helping them any. Number nine, if you're still not sure and you're not and you're doing something, you're not sure, well, is that enabling? Is it not enabling? Here's the simple, easy formula for you. If you're working harder to solve their problems, then they're working, then you're enabling. And if you're not sure if you're working harder than they're working, I just want you to stop and do a little self check. If you feel a resentment inside because you have done all these things and you don't feel appreciated and you don't feel reciprocated, and you don't feel they're even trying for themselves, then you're definitely in this category. And lastly, number 10, and some of y' all know how I feel about this, and this is, to me, this is the big mama, the big cat daddy. It is. You are allowing them to make you the bad guy. Many of you know that. I feel like that is the number one thing that you can do to enable someone. And they're so good at it. You know, they can do something really out of bounds, they can do something really hurtful. They can do something really wrong. And they have this ninja, like, way of, like, turning it on you and making you the bad guy, turning you into a screaming, raving, lunatic, crazy person. And then all of a sudden you're the bad guy. And then they get to justify continued bad decisions. Now, if you're watching this video and you're thinking to yourself, okay, Amber, I know I'm enabling. Like, I didn't even need this video to know that. I just don't know how to stop. I'm going to give you a couple of resources here. Number one, I have a whole playlist on this channel about how to have healthy boundaries with someone that has an addiction problem, either in active addiction or in early recovery. Definitely check that out. Put it on the screen at the end of this video for you. And there's a second playlist that's titled Helping versus Enabling, which is another really good one. And I'll also put that one up here for you at the end of the video. And if you think you just need something even a little bit more than that. You need some one on one help, guidance, coaching. You can always book a session with one of our family resource experts. This is what we do all day, every day. And you may have a situation on your hands. You're like, yeah, I get it. But there's this one little part of this story that I just need you to hear and I need some special guidance on it. You can find a link for how to do that in the description below. Okay, see you next time. And make sure you check out those playlists. I'm going to put them right up here on the screen for you.
