Encouraging someone to get sober? Don't forget the most important step!

So you've got an addicted loved one, and you're doing everything you can think of to try to encourage them to get sober, but it's just not working. Maybe you've even been watching tons of my videos and doing all the things that Amber tells you to do, and it still feels like you're not getting anywhere. If that's the case, then it's very likely that you're missing one of these sort of like, core foundational principles that I'm about to tell you in this video. Some of the. Sometimes the message or sometimes the. The core piece gets lost in the message somewhere, and I think I'm guilty of that. And so when I feel people are struggling, it's usually one of these big factors that. That's not quite registering with them. And most of the time, it's my fault because I'm sort of communicating. You know, use positive reinforcement and do this and do that. But I'm not. I'm not always. I don't always remember to help you understand, like, what's really happening underneath that technique that you're using. So I really want to kind of go into that a lot more in depth today so that those of you who are out there who are trying to help a loved one get sober, trying to encourage someone to get sober that are struggling, and you're trying all the things, it's not working. I want you to know if it's not working, it's probably one of these three things. So let's look at what they are, and that way you can make an adjustment if need to be made an adjustment. Now, before I say that, one of the things that I have a very hard time communicating, I forget to. I feel like I do a good job on one side sometimes and do a good job on the other side other times. But it just gets lost in translation sometimes. It's just because I'm telling you how to get through to someone that has an addiction doesn't mean I'm telling you that you should. Okay? So I want you to understand. I can. I. You know, I've been counseling people and getting people, helping people get rid of addictions for 20 years now. And over those years, I have really honed my skills on how to get people out of denial, what they're thinking, what you should say, not just understand their addiction, but, like, the psychology of it. And how do you move someone from point A to point B? And so that's a lot of where my expertise lies, and that's what I teach you guys for the most part on this channel is how to do that. But just because I'm teaching you how to do that doesn't mean I'm telling you that you should do that. I kind of think of it like, maybe I'm like a carpenter or something, and I could come on here and I could teach you how to build a $2 million house. But that doesn't mean I'm telling you that you should build a $2 million house and that everyone ought to have a $2 million house. You've got to decide for yourself, you know, is this relationship worth saving? You know, am I still in the game? Has there been too much hurt? And I'm just done. I'm out. So those are the things that you got to figure out first. If you decide after thinking through that, and there are some videos on this channel that that'll probably help you think, help you think through some of that. Like, when is it time to leave? How long should I help some videos like that if you decide that. All right, well, I'm still in the game for right now, and I'm going to keep trying for right now. Even though I know it's not fair and even though it's completely messed up, that I have to be the one trying, even though doesn't want with all these bad behaviors or whatever, I'm going to try. If that's you, this video is for you, okay? And that's okay. You're going to have to come back to that decision every day if you want to or need to. As I understand, it's not like a decision you make one time. You have to revisit it lots of times and think, am I still in the game or not? But if you are, let's talk about what might be going wrong for you. One of the huge ginormous mistakes that people make when they're trying to encourage little to get sober is they immediately go to what. What do they think is the solution? And most of the time, the what the family member thinks is the solution is for the person to go to, like, residential treatment, like 30, 60, or 90 days treatment. And it might be the case, not even saying it's not, but you're probably thinking, you know, you just gonna have to, like, get rid of all your friends. You're gonna have to go to treatment, or you're gonna have to go talk to a counselor, or you got to go to toe step me every day. Whatever it is, you have this solution in your head. Do you think that your loved one should be doing and chances are you're right. But you skip a step. So you immediately start trying to talk to the person about getting into counseling, going to trust up groups, talking to Amber, getting a recovery coach, you know, getting rid of friends and you're skipping the vital step up. Before you ever talk any kind of solution to anyone, your first goal is to get them to see that they have a problem. And your second goal is to get them when wanting to change the situation and then you can offer us solutions. So don't skip those two steps. Several reasons why you shouldn't do that. Some of them are obvious, I won't say them, but one of the big one is even if you get them to go to a 12 step meeting or treatment or recovery coach or whatever, and they, and they don't really see that they have a problem, then you're, you're sort of like disempowering that solution because they're going to go into that solution thinking this can't help me. This stupid. I'm not even like these people. I can't believe I'm doing this. And all they're going to see and experience from that is how it's not, doesn't work for them. You know, they're not like that. And they're going to literally find every single possible reason why that's not a good solution. So it's kind of like the ace card. You got the ace card in your hand, you want to hold it and play it at the right time because if not you're wasting it. So it treatment. And some of these things are kind of like antibiotics. And every time you use them they kind of like lose a little bit of power and effect because you, you get tolerant to them or you make up your mind about them. So don't pull the card too early. And that's a huge, huge mistake that a lot of people make. You may know that they made it, but you have to wait till they're ready for it. So if your loved one isn't, either they don't think they have a problem or they don't think there's a problem big enough that they maybe need to get some help for, then you need to back up and make your goal. Getting them out of denial or getting them to realize the situation. And that requires some different strategies, all of which we have videos on this channel about. But the key here is where am I at in my stages of change? Where's my loved one at and what's the next step? Not what's the End step. If you, you're tired, it's been going on years, you're wore out, you're sick of it, and you just want it to be done. And I hear you, but skipping steps is slowing you down. If you will go back and go step by step by step, you're gonna get there very fast. It just feels against your instincts because it's like, oh, my God, I don't, you know, I just want to get there. I don't be done. And I don't blame you. But I'm just telling you, don't skip those early stages of change steps. Otherwise you're missing the boat. Now, the second big thing that you probably are maybe like misinterpreting or getting wrong or maybe sometimes losing sight of, is that as the family member, if you are in those early stages of change where someone, you're trying to get someone out of denial and trying to get someone like, willing and ready to get some kind of help, then stop trying to slow down their substance use. Okay, don't freak out, because I know you're thinking, what. That's the whole goal. No, it's not the goal. The goal is to get them to realize that they have a problem. And if you are doing things that it's getting it to sort of pull back a little bit, you're slowing down the process. The goal in this stage isn't to slow down the drinking, slow down the using, get it more under control. Because ultimately you and I both know that the slowing it down and getting under control isn't going to work. And if for some reason you help someone to slow it down and get it under control for five minutes, then they're going to go backwards into the denial and they're going to say, okay, see, if there's that problem. Like, I totally agree. All week long. So it is hard as a family member to say, I'm not trying to make it better in that way. But you're not. What you want to happen is you want to let them drink and use and do whatever they're going to do, like they want to do it and stop standing in the way screaming, I'll let you do it the way you want to do it. What do you, what do you think you should do? Okay, that's great. Let's do that. Because the faster you let them do that, the faster they're kind of figure it out. So when you're doing those first two things, you're really slowing down the process. So a lot of times, you know, like, people that are in our invisible intervention program. You know, they understand the positive reinforcement. They start to build a better relationship, you know, immediately, you know, they're getting along better with their loved one. And then, you know, sometimes I. I'll get these emails, these progress updates, and they'll say, you know, we're definitely arguing less. You know, the tension in the house is better. But they're still drinking. I'm like, yeah, they're still drinking because you're still in those early stages. And that's okay, because what you want is. You want them to see that they're. Whatever addiction it is, drinking, using, gambling, whatever, whatever it is, is a problem. All you're doing in those first steps is just stepping out of the way. You're stopping being the bad guy. And the whole goal is just to connect to them so they see you as an ally. You're not doing those things because you think those things are going to make them stop. Whatever the addiction is, you're doing those things so they can start to see the problem. So back it up. Get your head on straight. Because when you know what your focus is and what you're trying to make happen, you're going to make it faster, and you're going to be much less frustrated with the process. When you're watching the person go through all this bargaining and the backwards and forwards, you'll be like, yes, we are learning. Thank gosh, we're getting there. You're going to see it as a step in the right direction instead of a step in the wrong direction. And you're going to feel happy about it instead of like you just want to scream and strangle them or something. So back it up. Get your head on straight. Decide what your real goal is. For example, when I first get a new client, my goal is not to get them sober. Not. Not even in the least. Is that my goal. My goal is. Is to connect to them and build a positive relationship, a trusting relationship with them. And whatever I got to do to make that happen, that's all I'm trying to do. Because without that, it's like a foundational piece. There's no sense in building a house with no foundation under it. It's going to crumble. You can't skip these steps. And so once we get that established, then I start trying to get them to figure out and see what's going on in their life. And then I try to get them to come up with some solutions. And when they're ready and they want to know for me what the solution is then I'll just tell them. But I have to do all that work to get them ready to hear that or to even want to hear that. I got to get them to the point where they ask me what I think they should do about such as this problem. And then I will tell them, but not until then. Not until I've put everything else in place. So, family members, please hear me when I say, stop making your goal to get your loved one sober when they don't even think they have a problem. You're missing the boat. All right, now, this third one is really big and important. And of. Of all of these, this is the hardest one for me to communicate. And I've been actually wanting to do a whole video on this, but. And I'm thinking about, like, more than a month, probably like six weeks. And it's. I'm trying to figure out how to communicate this to you guys. And the only way I can think to communicate this to you guys is to use this sort of metaphor. But I'm afraid it's going to be offensive, so I'm just gonna put out there. But I hope that you understand I'm not trying to be offensive when I say this. The biggest thing that's happening underneath all these other things that I'm telling you that you. If you're. If you're messing something up is probably this thing right here, is you're not getting your energy right. And what does that mean? It means even when you're doing all the things I'm telling you to, like, you're being positive, you're doing the craft method, you're doing this, that you're seething on the inside, and you. You're saying the right things, but you're not feeling the right things. And because you're not feeling the right things, it's coming out your pores. Trust me when I say that your family member can feel your energy. And here's the metaphor. I resist saying this, because I know what you're gonna think. I think I know what you think. Me and my son, we like to watch, like, those dog trainers, like, Cesar Milan. Cesar Milan, Am I saying it? The Dog whisperer. We like to watch him on Disney Plus. And then also there's like, this guy on YouTube lately called Dog Daddy, which I really like. And when you watch them, how they train these dogs, it's all about the energy that they're bringing. It's all about controlling your internal, because when your internals are messed up, the dog can feel it. And the dog reacts to that. Well, when your internals are messed up, your loved one can feel it and they are going to react to it. Maybe they can't even put their finger on it. You might be saying nice things, but they feel your resentment, you know, and they feel that you think they're an idiot. And when they feel that, they're going to react to that feeling. And so that's probably the most important but the hardest part. And that's like advanced level family recovery. It's about getting your energy right. And in order to do that, you got to get your fear under control. Which is what like the dog trainers do. They get their fear under control. Like I'm not scared of you and I'm gonna show you I'm not scared of you. Not in a like loose fight kind of way. Just like in a calm assertive way like Susan. Ron, he says calm, yet assertive. That is what I'm telling you. Calm. Yes sir. Not because I think your loved one is a dog. That's where I think the metaphor is going to go wrong. I'm not saying that, I'm just saying like your energy comes out even when you're saying the right things. People what you feel, and if you don't have that right, then you're, you're undoing all the other things that you're doing. So getting your fear under control and getting your resentment under control, if you can get those two things under control, then you're going to have your energy mostly right. And I know what you think. You think, well, okay, how the heck do we do that? That's not easy. One of the big things you got to do in order to do that is sort of back up and get some space from the situation. If you're in the middle of the storm 247 and you're just in it with this person, like literally, literally like they're in your face. Like you're in the room with them all the time. It's gonna be really hard to get your energy under control. So you need to back up, stabilize yourself through some self care through whether it's learning, taking a break, doing things that you care about, get away from it so that you can center yourself. You do yoga, meditation, hang out with your friends, go back to school and take a class, whatever. But get some distance from it. That's what in algon they call detach. It's like back up and center yourself because your energy is gasolining the problem. And I know you don't mean to because their energy Is gasoline your energy. And I get that it sounds crazy, but like it took me a long time to sort of hone this in, you know, as a new counselor, you know, I'm nervous when I'm talking to clients too and I'm feeling uneasy. But eventually, after I had done it long enough, then I'm just super comfortable with it and I know how I walk out into the lobby to get a brand new client and the energy I bring with me is going to set the tone for how it feels. So I'm not weird about it, I'm not all uptight about it. I'm going to use very casual language, I'm going to be relaxed and when I'm relaxed, they're going to relax. Because we feed off of each other's energy. We're just made like that. That's just the way human beings are. You know that when you're around somebody that's mad and angry, you feel like, I just want to get away from them. When you're around somebody that's like super sad all the time, you just want to get away from them because you feel that it's like messing your day up. Same thing. So being very, very aware of what your energy is, is important. And you're going to have bad days and you know, you're just not in the mood and you're just not feeling it and that's fine. And when you do that, you need to just excuse yourself. Not in a mean way, not in a I'm giving you silent treatment or you're in trouble way. Just find a reason to kind of like go watch Netflix, go do your thing, go out, take your yoga class, whatever it is you're going to do. You know, go do your thing, ride your motorcycle, whatever, like get some space. Because maybe you're not even mad at them. Maybe you're just mad because you had a bad day. But you know, when you interact with that person, your energy is bad. So everything they do is going to take you off. So just be mindful of where you're at emotionally because that will control the situation. It's really weird, but in counseling it's almost like I can feel this like energy force fields in the room. I don't want to sound super woo woo because it's not really the way I mean it. But if I don't have my energy right, their energy will control the session. And so you have to like get that like alpha energy going. You gotta get yourself like, okay, I got this, I'm control, I'm not scared. I'm not intimidated. I like you. You know, we're good. And that will. That will help calm the situation down. Now, in. In just a minute, I am going to read to you guys this email I got from one of the. One of the people that's in our invisible intervention and somebody that I talked to earlier this week, because this. This particular person is, like, really, I mean, amazingly, like, deeply starting to understand this. And so she wrote me this email, and I think it was kind of just a way of like, processing what she was thinking, what she was feeling, but she's just a better writer and communicator than me. And she said it so beautifully. I was like, let me read that to the people, because she said it better than I could say it. So I'm going to read you guys that in just a minute because I think she's really, like, summing it up. She's really understanding it on a deep level. At first, you're just doing the things, and then you start getting better and better and more confident at it. And once your confidence gets better, things really start to roll and move in the right direction. So, you know, when I say, you know, don't be negative, I mean, don't be negative. But that doesn't mean keep your mouth shut about everything. That doesn't mean never say anything. My clients will tell you. I call them out about everything. I'll laugh at them. I say, you know, I just do it with an energy that doesn't feel scary, and they're fine with it. So I'm not saying don't ever say anything. You don't want to have this weird cheerleader energy because that comes off as, like, fake and gross, and no one likes that either. It's like a calm centeredness, like the dog whisperer would tell you to do, like, channel him. Watch these dog training videos. You can see, like, the way they interact with that dog. Within five minutes, that dog is responding to them differently because they're setting the stage. And you could do that, too, but your loved ones in the dog. That's not what I'm saying. All right, I want to say hello to those of you who are hanging out with us live. We will in just a second, I'll read you that email I got because it's. I thought it was so good. And then also, we will take some questions and comments from some of you guys who are so kind and sweet to show up if you're watching the replay. We're glad you're here, too. We Go live every Thursday at 1pm Eastern time. And we hope you can join us live sometime. We know, I know you're busy and you can't always do that, but if you can, we'd love to have you here. We try to let. Try to answer questions. We try to let people come on live if possible, and talk about the situation and answer questions. So love to see you here. And then, as always, I will put lots of resources in the description. There are resources where you can access me and my staff. There are resources where you can ask, access all kind of other recovery stuff. Recovery resources. I mean, you know, free resources, all kind of stuff. So I'm going to put that in the description. Always look down there. When you're ready, it's there for you. All right, let's take a look at the email. So this email, I'm not going to say the name because I want to protect people's privacy, but this says, I recently watched your video where you talked about working with teenagers at the very, very beginning of your career. Had to re watch it several times. It brought one thought to my mind. When we deal with the addict, we get one we get. When we deal with the addictive one, we get the goals all misaligned and keep going in circles. We feel like if they use or drink, we failed. Our goal is to get them clean and sober so we can move on with our lives. The problem is they will use again, and it doesn't mean we failed. It's easier when we shrink. The goal. Forget the sobriety. We don't know how to get them there. And they don't even know how to get them there. The truth is, no one knows for sure what works for one person won't work for another, even if it's 100% right. No two people are the same. And like you said, no two addictions are the same same and no two recoveries are the same. I have come to the conclusion that it can be easier, or at least feel easier if we shrink. The goal. Don't think sobriety. Think connection. Even if I get to see you for, for three seconds today, I will give you a glance that says, I see you. Not the addict, not the jerk, but the person underneath. I've got to move my things. I can see underneath it all who you could be. I won't just see the resentment, the shame, the contempt and the pain. I will truly see you for the three, for those three seconds. And if I can do that, I have achieved my goal. Maybe it will be the only Three seconds in three days or once a week. Or maybe that's all I can do, but that would be the goal. That also means that I have to pay enough objective attention to myself despite the extent of my prejudice, my own denial about who I have become in this process of trying to change another. And how do I numb my own pain? I have completely missed the moment for using the other's addiction as an excuse for my own errors. How have I lowered my standards because it's been horrible? Maybe the goal is that when I choose to see you the next time, I won't just reflect the addiction that and mistakes or my resentment back at you. Not because I'm a perfect martyr or so much better, but because there can be no healing without acknowledging the dignity within each of us. I think addiction robs us of the ability to see ourselves and another for who we could be. We regress in our emotional intelligence and start acting like immature toddlers making their way through another day based on how we feel at the time. Sorry for this long message. I just found your thoughts. Thought I would share them now. Didn't she say that? So much more like eloquent, elegant than I do. I sound all like, redneck you, but she said it good. So listen to her. She's saying what I'm saying, only like, better. She's like a motivational speaker over there. If that, if you agree with that, if you can understand what, what I'm saying and what this person is saying about the energy, put me a little doggy emoji in the chat. So I know that you're like getting your whisper skills on and you're following me. All right, while you do that, let's say hello to some people. No improvement, won't get help or just seems self destructive. That's a good question. And a lot of people will say that to me. Like, they'll say, oh, oh yeah, I'm an alcoholic, I don't care. And they just act like they're just fine with it. They're just accepting it. What that means is, is that maybe they own the fact that they're addicted or alcoholic, but the uncomfortableness isn't great enough for them to stop yet. So what you do in that case is you focus on allowing the natural consequences to rise a little higher while you stay in the good guy role. Because they might change their mind. They might say, I'm tired of this is miserable. I don't want this anymore, it doesn't work for me anymore and the price is too high and I Want something else. So when the. When it doesn't work for them anymore and the price is too high, then they're going to want to change. There's this. There's this young girl I've been seeing lately, and she tells me how. She's like, oh, I've been alcoholic since junior high school. Like, really? She's like, yeah. She tells me. I was like, okay, I think you might be right. I think maybe you were. And she said, I care. I knew it. And she would just be like, you better order me a drink. You know, I'm alcoholic. I got to have a drink. Like, she would just say that in her active use. But when you're saying that, it's almost like you're glorifying the lifestyle and you feel like it's great and you don't care. So there's a. There's another piece to it. So they may say the words, but there's another piece that's not clicking in there. Good question. Let's see here. Laura, let's see. Rachel has a question. Do you think there is a stage in the addiction where the craft method isn't effective anymore? Stealing, destructive, verbally abusive. Yes, I do. I'm glad you asked that. Craft method is probably still somewhat effective, but I. But there is a point that I think you should do something else. It's not that I think it can't work, but I think that sometimes there's a point where you just need to back up and save yourself. And. And that is it. And I truly believe that. And that's what I say. Even though I tell you what to do, I'm not telling you you should do it. I'm just telling you if this is what you want to do, this is something. And then sometimes I think that you. You might even need to do like an old school intervention, especially if you think that the person is imminently in danger. Like, you don't have time to let them move through these stages and figure it out because, like, literally they're gonna die probably next week or something. Then you need to. You need to sort of push harder. And you do run the risk of, you know, blowing it up. You do run the risk of the person being mad at you, never talk to you again. But when someone's imminently gonna die, you're just gonna have to take the risk. So I'm glad you asked that question because there is sort of a, you know, fit the strategy to what's going on. So, yes, there is a point where you need to do Something else. Catherine says, I have finally detached. Took a year a fearful worry and anxiety due to his homelessness. Yes, it takes, it takes a while. And not only do you need to, like, not put yourself front and center and, you know, you need to get some distance from it physically, you have to emotionally get some distance from. Just like Catherine's saying, you could. They could not be in your house, they could not be with you. But if you allow yourself to think about it constantly, you're not putting the distance. So mentally, there has to be distance too. And you have to do that because they might, you may not have seen them for five years. You're still obsessing about it. You. You got to make the decision to stop obsessing about it. See youtuber watching YouTube says, I always think if someone next to you has an addiction, you have to address some stuff to cause you have to address some stuff too, because plants need to grow, and to grow, humans need air to breathe. Addiction and families won't come out magically. Oh, yeah, I hear what you're saying. Like, if you just ignore it, I would. Yeah, I don't, I don't think you should just ignore it. I think somehow strategically, you make the choice to not bring something up or not say something, but not because you're just trying to ignore it. You're strategically deciding what to address, when to address it, and how to address it. But I completely agree, it's not just going to go away magically. Addiction only ever progresses unless it's dealt with and addressed 100% with you there. Liberty K says, sincerity is everything. When you learn to fake that, you have made it. Kidding, of course. But at times, dealing with my addiction, my family, I'm grateful I learned to detach as a correctional officer. Oh, I bet you did learn to attach as a correctional officer. Yeah. But I bet as a correctional officer, you know exactly what I'm saying about energy. If you, if you walk up into the jungle in there with your energy wrong, you're going to get eating alive. I bet I, I bet you could explain it better than I can explain it, because when you said that, I'm just imagining what that would be like. I'm like, oh, yeah, because if you don't harness your energy, there's so much other crazy energy, it's just gonna pull you on the roller coaster. Totally hear you question. Has been there since December 2022. Clean, sober, begging for bail and transfer to sober living. Next court isn't till April. I'm, I, I don't know you said, I don't know this, all the specifics here, but what I would say is, in general, if someone can be gotten out of jail and taken to treatment and they will go and they will stay, then. Then I'm okay with that. Jail doesn't cure addiction. Sometimes it. It gives someone long enough to stand still to think about it and come to terms with it. You know, it's not the worst thing ever, but it's not. It's not the best thing either. So you know this person really well. Are they just saying it? And then you're gonna get them out and then they're gonna run for the heels or like, they really. Okay, like, I get it, I gotta do this, I'm willing to do it. That kind of thing. You gotta think that through. But I'm not opposed to the idea. I wouldn't. I wouldn't bring them home. Not even, like, okay, I picked you up and let you come home. I'll give you a good meal, you know, get you some changes of clothes. No, if you pick them up from jail, you have their backpack, you stop and buy them good meal on the way, but you go straight to treatment. You don't. You don't pass go. You don't collect 200. You do not go home. You go from one to the other. That's the advice I have for you, Catherine. I hope that helps. All right. Kelly says my energy has definitely not helped. I try and then I get pissed. Same scenario as my sister, apparently. It's. It's really hard. I mean, it's a. It's a process of learning. But when you. You sort of decide to take back control of your own life, not in a way that's saying, I don't care about you, or I'm, like, forgetting about you or get out of my. But just like, okay, like, this isn't going to control me anymore. It's going to take you a few times and you won't be perfect and you will have relapses. So it's. It's kind of one of those things you have to do a little check. Am I good? Am I good enough to be around this person today? Or. I'm not. And I just need to, you know, need to, like, not. Not deal with it today. I hear you, Kelly. Rachel says I'm not the right mental or emotional space myself to say the right things, let alone mean them. My energy is so hurt and so negative, I'm not able to practice this method. And I think that's perfectly fine. Rachel, I. I don't know what's happened to you. And probably whatever it is, you have every right and every reason to feel the way you feel. And the fact that you know that is the goal. The fact that you know that you're not in a space where right now that's great because that's when you, you know, you need to back up. As a counselor, I have to be really careful about that as my energy, because, you know, if I don't, you know, people are coming into my office every day with all kind of energy, anxious energy, depressed energy, crisis energy, and I can't come in all off kilter because then I'm negatively impacting other people. So sometimes you gotta step back. Oh, we have. Kelly's here from Costa Rica. Nancy Stinger says if he even senses I'm worried, he backs away. So I have to be strong when I'm around him and keep his dress 100. You are. You are singing my tune, Nancy. I love it. You are right on track. I mean, you feel their energy, right? It's not, you know, it's not crazy, mystical stuff here. You know, when they're in a mood, you can feel it. They can feel you too. Oh, Kelly's got a good question here. How do you encourage someone to be humble? Honestly, I think the best way to encourage someone to be humble is you be humble first. If you go into a situation and say something like, you know, the other day I said this, but I was really too harsh, and I kind of. I really wish I wouldn't have reacted that way. I was. That was kind of out of bounds, and I'm really sorry. Most of the time, like 95% of the time when you admit a wrong, the other person admits they're wrong. Like, let's say you got in a big fight and you say, you know what? I was making a big deal about that yesterday. I'm sorry. I wish I wouldn't have said it. You know, I know that's damaging or whatever. Then the other person almost always says, you know what? You're right. Well, I was kind of acting like an too and I'm sorry too. And they'll. They'll be humble too. So model humility. If you're modeling humility and the other person doesn't give it to you back, then there's a big problem going on. There's a bunch of YouTube channels about it. Thank you. Don't talk about. But usually if you or humble, it makes it safe for the other person to be vulnerable because that's what it is. You're being vulnerable. They'll be vulnerable. And it usually gets mirrored back. Good question, though. This is another good question. It's a hard question. Dawn says, how do we deal with the fear they will die? What if we could have done more? I don't have a 100 answer for you here, but. And this is probably. I hesitate to say this because this metaphor is probably gonna be worse than the dog whisper metaphor, but, like, if your loved one is pretty far into addiction, you've already lost them. Okay? And so what you're dealing with is whether or not there's any hope that you could get them back or not. Because the truth of it is, they're gone. And I don't mean this as terrible as it sounds, but you remember when all of the zombie shows were popp popular? What's that one super popular one everyone watched? I watched most of the seasons. That. Which one am I talking about? Y' all know what I'm saying. We're the zombies. Apocalypse or whatever. That's what it's like when your loved one's addicted. It's like they're there, but they're not there and they're dangerous. And so you're so scared they're gonna die. But you've. If someone's really into addiction, you've already lost them in greater and greater percentages. You know, at first it's 50, and then it's 70, 80, and 90. So being scared you're going to lose them, you're already there. I don't know if that's helpful or not. So let's focus on is. Is. Is there any percent of them left and can I bring them forward? Because you already in the scary place. You're already dealing with the scariness. I don't know. That's probably not helpful, but that's the way I see it. It's another good question. And I have a whole video coming about this, Elizabeth. It's already made and edited. It's coming in the next three or four weeks, I think. Question. Is there any point in marriage counseling once one spouse is actively drinking? What do you suggest? I do not suggest going to marriage counseling when someone is actively drinking, because if the counselor catches on that that's what the problem is. And then the two of you, you and the counselor start to tell the person, hey, you got drinking problem, you need to stop. Person's going to feel ganged up on and they're going to hate counseling. They're going to stop going. It's not going to work. If the counselor does not catch on, which is just as possible, believe it or not, then they could inadvertently, like, validate the wrong thing. And that can cause problems. And by saying, well, I don't think you really have an alcohol problem or this or that, and they could be, you know, it could just even cause more problems. I do think addiction is a family issue and should be dealt with as a family. But in. In our office, we do family counseling, but everybody gets their own counselor. All the counselors know the puzzle pieces. So it's, you know, it's not like one person can come in and tell their slanted side of the story. And I mean that for the family member and for the addictive person, because everybody's got a slanted part of the story. So we want all the pieces of information. We just want to give you both the safety and the, you know, and the stability to be able to say what you want to say without starting argument, without worried you're going to be in trouble and that kind of thing. So that. That's my take on it. Amy says, question. My husband is in a stage of pushing me away and saying he is unhappy. He is deep into alcoholism, functioning, but barely. He won't admit. He won't admit his depression and unhappiness could be related. You. This is a. A thing that. That you see a lot. Like, they're depressed and they see you as the bad guy, and so they're pushing you away. And they may or may not say it directly, but they're thinking like, you're just making me miserable. He's trying to control me. You're just reminding me of my failures. And they will push you away. And I think I also have a video that's out or will be out soon. I think it's already out. This is. What if. You know what happens when they leave you? Because it's kind of like, what the heck? You know, I put up with your junk this whole time and you left me, which does happen. I think it's out. So take a look at that. 1am. Amber says, my boyfriend is addicted to math. He uses gaslighting against me, tells me I'm controlling, lies constantly. I can't take anymore. How do you follow through with giving them an ultimatum? You don't give them ultimatum. I'm really glad you asked that question. And I'm telling you, don't do it. Not because I'm, like, getting on you, but because this is a really common thing that everybody goes through. I have a whole playlist Amber on boundaries. And I think one of those boundary videos is even, like, the difference in a boundary and an ultimatum, because it's all in what you're trying to accomplish and how you try to communicate it. The truth of it is, is, you know, when it gets to a really bad point in a relationship, you get to the point where you're just like, it's me or the drug. You know, whatever that drug is, and they're so miserable and mad at you. They may say it or they may not say it, but I promise you, they're thinking it's the drug. That's what they're thinking when you give the ultimatum. So don't. Don't frame it that way. Don't do an ultimatum kind of way, but do set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Check out that playlist in that video if you haven't seen it, Amber. Let's see here, y'. All. I got some good questions, some really different kinds of questions. Crystal says, should I avoid interaction, do something else, or leave while my husband is drinking? I just wonder if he will continue to drink if nothing changes when he drinks. Really great question. And what this says to me, Crystal, is your fear is. And this is very, very common. If I just let him do what he wants to do and I leave him alone, am I not enabling him? I know it feels like you're enabling him, but all you're doing is stepping out of the way so they can see the problem. And in my experience, the more you step out of the way, the faster they figured out, because they stop trying to, like, argue with you about it. They stop trying to defend it. They stop trying to, like, make themselves feel better about it. It's kind of like. It's kind of like when you're younger and your appearance is like, go to your room and think about what you did. Like, you just take time to yourself and figure it out. Not in a mean, like, I'm, you know, not in a mean way, like, I'm breaking up with you necessarily, but just give them some time to think about it. They will. Because the truth of it is, is they know it more than they ever let on to you. And if you step back and let them drink, their drinking will actually get worse. And it kind of goes back to that number. Was it number one? Number two thing I. No. Number the third thing I said, like, stop trying to slow it down. You don't want to slow it down. You want to let them do it the way we want to do it because you want them to say, yeah, this doesn't work. And this isn't. This isn't working the way I thought it was going to work. You want to let that happen? You want to let them see it faster? Question. That's another question here. Halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Have to be extra careful. That's My energy is not safe. Yeah. Halt is actually something we teach people in early recovery, which is you are more vulnerable to relapse. That's what we say to people with addictions when you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But that also goes for anybody with anything. We're more vulnerable to making bad decisions and having bad behavior when we're hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. So it's almost like a little measuring stick that you can use to gauge where you're at. I'm glad you said that. Oh, I said Susan, but it's Saran. I apologize for saying the wrong name. Saran. That's a good one. It's an old school, good, wise piece of advice right there. Walking dead. Yes. See, I'm so editing. I just like, you know, when you know the word, but you can't think, let's see. Is it right for me to tell my husband I'm not going to buy alcohol anymore? Is this me trying to control his drinking? He is in denial about his drinking. I don't want to enable either. I never tell people that they have to buy it. But honestly, I think that when you, when you, when you take that stand, it just becomes this other power struggle that then the person focuses on. Because sometimes, like, let's say the addictive spouse hasn't worked in a long time. They're not contributing, and you don't have the money to buy it. Don't buy it. You don't have the money back. But if you're just being like, well, I'm just not gonna buy it. Just a power struggle. And just to think, like, you know, I don't want to do that. I wouldn't do that. So there's some circumstances, or I guess I would say don't do it. But in most circumstances, I would say, like, even. It even goes this far. Like, sometimes people say, well, I've had particularly like partners or spouses say, you know, my loved one is an alcoholic, and I'm just not. I'm not going to drink anymore. I'm definitely not going to drink with them. And the other person sees it as a big fu. And so I get what you're saying about not drinking anymore and definitely not drinking in front of the person. Which I think is a great, great move to make when someone's trying to be sober. But when someone's trying not to be sober, I mean, if you think you have a problem, stop drinking. But if you don't think you have a problem, don't stop drinking. Because you're trying to send some kind of message to that person. Because it really just ticks them off. Because it comes across like you're just being better than. Or judgy, or just trying to constantly remind them, you know, if they have problems, it's not going to come through very well. When they decide, they start wanting to change. And then you say, hey, I'm going to do this with you. I support you, then stop doing it. Great question. And so whether it's buying alcohol, drinking, that, all that kind of stuff. If you stop buying, there's gonna get another way. Like, you're not gonna stop it by stopping doing that. Anthony says, I would. Like I was like this. And it took a lot. Don't give up. It takes time and failure after failure to reach success. And yes, instead of hoping that, you know, there's no bargaining, no failures, let's hope it happens fast. Like, let's get these failures done so we can get on the other side of it. My husband passed hour at his friend's, passed out at his friend's house of resolution. I went and got him, said I'd follow him home. And he drove so fast and left me. Then he blamed me. If I hadn't woke him up, he wouldn't have driven drunk. Shelley, that's one of the things they do, is it's always your fault. I've got videos on that, too. Like, how do they. How they turn it on you? Like, they got magic skills with that. But I'm not agreeing with your husband that, you know, because you went over there, you caused him to drive drunk. But I probably would have just left him. Honestly. Not because you're being mean, but because if you go interrupt the cycle, all that happens is they get mad at you. If. If he's passed out of his friend's house and he wakes up on the couch at 2:00 clock in the morning, he's looking around, everybody's in bed, he's gonna feel like an idiot and he's gonna know, like, dang, I guess I, you know, passed out or whatever, he's gonna feel dumb, honestly. And you need to step back and let that happen. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, he could drive and he could but he drove anyway, so it didn't help anything, you know, so I would just let it be. That's natural consequences. Angela says hi again. Amber from Istanbul. My adult daughter is finally in rehab after mo. After years of multi substance abuse. But she rejects me. Is that temporary or a phase? How can I let her know I am here for you? That's a hard question without knowing why she rejects you. Is it because of like arguments you guys had when the addiction was going on? Is it because she's holding some kind of resentment from childhood against you? Is it because she just wants to be resentful of you and it's just something she's hanging on to? You know, I think if I knew why, I might could answer your question. Better to tell you whether it's temporary or not. And by reject you, I guess I would want to know too more about what you mean, like won't let you come up and see her at the treatment center or won't take your calls. You know, if I knew a little bit more about what that meant, I probably could do better. Can you link the video you mentioned when the alcoholic spouse leaves you? Yes, when I get off of here, if you give me just a few minutes, I will put the link in the comment section so that you can find it easy. Because sometimes those. Those videos are hard to find. I have to look for them myself. There's so many. What if an alcoholic refuses to use soberlink because of facial recognition? Any other suggestions? He won't use facial recognition in any tech. For those of you who don't know what Smiley's talking about, Sober Link is something I talk a lot about. It's like a really high tech alcohol monitoring device that I highly recommend. I've used it a lot with clients. I've had a lot of success. But one of the things it does is it uses facial recognition so that you can't cheat it. And so what Smiley's asking is her. Her person doesn't use any tech. Probably like even the phones that use facial recognition because they just think that that's dangerous and risky, which I get. There are other solutions. I'm not sure. There's something called backtrack, I think, like back as in bac, like blood alcohol backtrack. And I'm not sure if it uses facial recognition, but there are ways of doing that. There are other recovery monitoring programs where you actually go in, you get called in at random to take a urine screen and you can actually look for alcohol in the urine. So there are some other ways to do that. So if you don't think he's just saying that to get out of accountability in general, but he just literally doesn't, you know, doesn't feel comfortable with the facial recognition. There are other solutions. Yeah. Sandra says, saw my ex at an AA meeting. Heartbreakingly difficult. Is it okay that I realize I can't interact? He looks so beautiful and vulnerable, but is so dangerous when high. Of course that's. Of course that's okay. You know, your history with this person. It sounds like you really want to maybe go up to him and maybe even be supportive of him and encourage him in, in, like a recovery journey. And I hear you, but you, you may want to stay back until somebody's stable long enough, especially if you've been hurt, especially if they're dangerous. So, of course, safety boundaries are always okay. They are a must. How do you stay emotionally balanced when your loved one is in rehab and ready to get out without feeling fear and worry due to him having severe alcohol seizures, etcetera, and hurting himself? Well, usually when they're in rehab, the family member does feel bad, like sleep at night because they know they're safe. But I think what you're saying is, how do you not worry about when they get out? You try not to let yourself go into that rabbit hole. There's not any magic cure for it. But if they're out of rehab, they're not going to have a seizure, because a seizure has to do with withdrawal. And if they're already detox, if they're in rehab, I know what you're saying is, like, if they start drinking again, they could start back into that cycle and you can't hold yourself hostage with, like, what if they relapse? What if they go back? If they relapse and they go back, Eva, if you've been watching this channel and you've been getting help, then you will be ready and you will have an action plan and you will do exactly what your action plan is. So you don't walk around living. It's kind of like you don't walk around worrying there's going to be a fire at your office because you know what the fire safety plan is. And if there was, this is what you're going to do, and that's what you'll do, and that'll give you some steadiness about it. Question. DJs got a question. I feel like. I feel like buying it is sending a message that I'm in. I'm not going to try to stop them, but I'm also not going to spend my money on it. That seems like that's just something to make me resentful. So DJ is saying, like, it's just a boundary that. That DJ has is like, I'm not. I don't want to spend money on, and I'm totally fine with that. Like, if it's a healthy boundary you've set for yourself, I don't have any problem with it. But if you're doing it to power struggle with the person, I just don't recommend it because it's not gonna. It's not gonna work, and it's gonna go against you, and it's gonna keep you in that bad dynamic. So, you know, and you may even find a middle ground with it. You may even say, well, okay, like, I'll buy this much, but I'm not, like, spend all my money on. I mean, you have to decide what's right for you. So I'm glad you said. Donna says, After 40 years of marriage, I had to step back and let my husband see his problem. He left for a month, drinking heavily, got help, and has been sober 10 months. But I had to step away for him to see it. Yeah, sometimes you have to, because I know it's terrible. I tell you all this all the time, but normally when it's married, married couple, the person does not see their addiction as a problem. They see their spouse as the problem because their spouse is, like, the spokesperson for the problem. And they're constantly trying to get you to see it so much that they really do see you as the problem. So you have to figure out how to not be the problem anymore. So they can't keep blaming you in their own head. I mean, like, a lot of times they blame you out loud just to make you feel guilty and throw you off. But that's not even what I'm talking about. I'm talking about, like, they believe that you're the problem. All right, everybody, I will link that video up here for you, the one about what happens when they leave you. And I will put additional resources in the description, in the comments for you guys, and I will see everybody here back next week, Thursday at 1. Everybody.