Every time I Leave, They Relapse (WTH 😡😞)

Does it feel like every time you turn your back they have a relapse? It's almost like you can't even go anywhere. You may be afraid to, like, leave for the afternoon to be with some friends or go to a work function. And you're probably really nervous about leaving to be gone overnight or for multiple days. If you're feeling held hostage by your loved one's addiction, this video is for you. We're going to talk about that whole feeling inside where you feel like you have to babysit. Basically, like if you're not around, bad things are going to happen. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth and you're watching the YouTube channel put the Shovel Down. This channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you stay five steps ahead of it. We don't believe that you have to hit bottom to get better. We definitely don't believe you're powerless. And if you're here because you have an addicted loved one, we want you to know that you have a lot of power and influence. We're here to bring you a message of hope. Hope that there's a lot that can be done. Because I know there are other people out there telling you that there's nothing that can be done. You're just gonna step back and wait or they're just gonna figure it out or hit a bottom. We're not about all that. We're about giving you practical solutions and ideas on how to actually address the problem and get your life back on track. If that sounds good to you, consider subscribing. And if you're new here, introduce yourself down in the comments below so we can say hello and welcome you to the community. Alright, let's get back to our topic. Either you've got a loved one who's in like of recovery, or you've got a loved one who maybe you wouldn't consider in recovery yet, but who's telling you they're trying to get sober or something like that. Or maybe they're telling you that they are sober, but you kind of know that they're not, but you think that they're trying to. Okay. But it's like every time you leave, a big relapse happens. This is very, very common. This is a trigger for people who struggle with addiction that I call. This is what I've named it. I call it the coast is Clear Trigger. This is probably one of the most powerful triggers for people early recovery or for people who are trying to Change a behavior. It is a legitimate thing where it's like, even if they mean it, even if they really are trying, they have this automatic thought of, like, okay, no one's around. I could do it. And part of the reason for that is because they've always done that before. Maybe before, they may have used in front of you, or you may have known about it, but when you were gone, it was probably a lot worse. It was basically like the dam breaks and it's just sort of a big part of your free for all the use increases. If they know that you're gonna go away, they might start thinking about it. Now, you gotta compound that trigger with another trigger called if no one's here and she doesn't find out or he doesn't find out, no one's gonna get hurt. Now, we all know that this is not only not true, but not even practical. Because people who have addictions, they don't usually just use a little bit and then stop, and then it's cool. If they open the floodgates, it usually goes to the point where it's kind of obvious and something crappy happens. So the person is being dishonest with themselves. A lot of different levels. Now, I tell you all that stuff to tell you, like, it's seriously a legit trigger. However, I also want you to know that I don't feel like it is your job to have to put your entire life on hold. To feel like you can't leave and go to the target. That is ridiculous. If someone is really struggling and they're super early in the stages, they may say to you, hey, I don't think. I don't think it's good for me to be by myself. And if they're asking for you to kind of stick by pretty close for a little while, I'm totally cool with that. If they're not asking for that and they're not in indicating that, it probably means that they're still more in the bargaining phase. And those of you who watch this channel, you know what the bargaining phase is, right? It's the let me try to figure out how to, like, manage my addiction versus stop completely. And so this whole I'll just use when they're away sometimes it's another version is I'll just use on special occasions or holidays or social events or whatever. It's kind of a bargain. It's a way of trying to keep it in without totally doing what you know you need to do to get rid of it. Okay? Now, if that is what's going on. And every you leave, they're relapsing and they're like literally premeditating it. They know as soon as you leave this on, right? They're like, yeah, you should go to that conference. You know, they're just encouraging. You need to go see your dad, you're not seeing him, you know, whatever. You can feel it, right? Because they can't wait for you to get away because it's on like Donkey Kong and they know it. If this is your situation, you probably know it because you probably have been avoiding giving them time themselves. You've probably been avoiding going to do things you need to do or want to do because you're too afraid to leave. Here's the deal. If you leave, are they going to relapse? Yes, they are going to relapse, if that's the pattern, right? And if they're not telling you any different, it means it's possible that they're not trying to address the problem. So you feel like if you stick around, it's holding this relapse back, which I guess is true. But I want you to kind of switch up the way you're thinking about that. If the person is still in the bargaining phase, it means they're still in some level of denial about the issue. They still feel like they can manage it somehow, somewhere in some kind of alternate universe or something, right? And if that's happening and they're having that denial and. And you're staying there and you're trying not to leave, or you leave every now and then you have a big lapse that's like, you know, once a month or once every six months or something. You could be helping keep them in denial. If you think that this is what's happening, like they're just trying to use this as a bargain, like I'll just use when that person is away, then what I want you to do is stop avoiding leaving. Because there's only one way to get someone through the bargaining stage, and that's to let the bargain draw. Let's check all these trial and error things right off the list. 1, 2, 3. As faster we can check those off, the faster we can get better. So instead of trying to stick around and watch and control and make sure that they don't relapse and put your own life on hold, make your own self miserable, Just take the leap and go. Spend the afternoon away, spend the weekend away. Just do what you would naturally do. It is not your responsibility to sit on top of someone and babysit if they need that from you, they'll tell you that. And you'll probably know if they're sincere. But if that's not like, your loved one and they're saying, hey, yeah, I don't even trust myself, then, then that's ok. Asking for your help for a short period of time, but you cannot live your life feeling like you cannot leave an adult alone. That's crazy. And you'll end up resenting them, and they'll end up resenting you. And it won't even work, because if someone has a bargain in there, it's gonna play out like there's only one way. It's you gotta scratch that itch to figure out it works or it doesn't work. You gotta let someone go through that process to figure that out. Now, if this is a big issue for you and your loved one's addiction is alcohol, one thing you could consider is using a Sober Link. You may have heard me talk about soberlink because they are partnered with this channel, and I am a huge, huge fan. But soberlink is an alcohol monitoring device, and so it takes care of this exact trigger, this exact hole that they're gone away, no one's watching trigger, and actually makes it much easier to stay sober when the loved one's away, because it really is no coast is clear kind of thing, because the Sober Link is always there. And that makes it easier for the person to stay sober. It makes it easier for you to feel like you can leave and go on with your life. And it makes it easier for the person or the recovery to feel like they can leave and go on with their life. I have this one client who's been doing soberlink for years now. Not because I'm making her. I mean, I usually tell people they should do it, like at least three months or something. A little more is better. But three months is, you know, it's a good amount of time. This person has been on soberlink forever. And I was like, you know, you don't have to be on that forever. And this person says to me, they're like, yeah, I know, but I actually like to be on it because I don't have to worry when I say, hey, I'm going to go do this or I'm going to go do that or I'm going to stay over, because now my spouse isn't going to worry about it because he knows I got Sober Link, and then it's not uncomfortable between us. So I would rather have the Sober Link than to have to deal with that uncomfortableness where I know they're like watching me like a hawk and I know they're like smell checking me and they're just totally freaking out every time I leave the house. I don't like that. It causes a lot of tension. I don't like to be treated like a kid. I'd rather have a sober link. So it really is kind of helpful on both sides. I'll put the link in the description if you want to learn more about soberlink, it is a fantastic resource and I highly recommend. Now if you want to learn better, more strategic ways to prevent relapse, then I want you to watch these videos next. This is my playlist on relapse prevention.