Facing Reality: Overcoming Denial on the Road to Sobriety

Foreign. We're going to be speaking some hard truths today. So if you feel like you're ready to hear some difficult things, then keep watching. We're going to be talking about the self deceit, sort of like lies or ways that we convince ourselves that something is not a problem when it really is. And when I say something, I mean specifically addiction type issues response related to substance abuse. We're going to be exploring some of the most common statements that I hear over and over and over again that people are saying not just to me, but mostly to themselves. To continue in in a bad path and to stay blind to what's pretty obvious to everyone else around them. I've actually made a big list for you today. I sort of search my brain looking for all the different ones that I can come up with. Not every single thing, but the ones that I hear like over and over again so I can share them with you. Some of these you've probably heard me talk about in the past, but there are definitely some on this list that you haven't heard before. What I'd like for you to do is keep count as I go through this list of how many you've either heard before from a loved one or you've seen said even to yourself and how many of these you, you can really relate to and put that number in the comments or in the chat. And then once we finish this, we go through the list. If you are on live, then we will have a chance to take some questions, comments, concerns, all that kind of good stuff. All right. The first statement that I hear pretty regularly and this one's related to drinking is, well, I don't ever get drunk. Yes, I drink. Yes, I drink every day, you know, yes, I drink quite a bit, but I don't get drunk. It's not stumbling around or anything. Another one is, well, it's only now that it's only there's like a blank after that. Fill in the blank. Like for example, it's only marijuana. I mean, come on, that's not even that bad. It's only beer. Sometimes people say I don't even drink alcohol. I only drink beer. Even though they're maybe drinking like a case a day. It's like it's just beer. It's like it doesn't count. So they're sort of minimizing it as a, well, whatever this thing is that I'm using, it's only wine, something like that. It's like it, it doesn't even, it doesn't even count. It's Just sort of neutral or harmless, I guess, is the word. Another one I hear is, well, I don't get mean or cause any problems. It's not like I get drunk and angry and start fights. I don't abuse my family. I'm not so intoxicated. Most of people don't even notice. So it's a way of minimizing. It's saying, well, my behavior is fine when I'm using the substance, so it's no big deal. Another one I hear a lot is, it's just who I am. I've been doing this since I was a teenager. It's just who I am. It's part of my personality. It's just built into me. Another one I hear is some version of why don't steal money? Or it's not like I'm making my family go broke by doing this, or I've never pawned anything, so sort of like, on the financial side, I'm not causing harm. Financial, I'm not stealing that sort of thing. Another one that I hear is, I take care of everyone else. This is the one thing I have for myself. Why can't people just leave me alone and let me have this one thing? I literally do everything for everyone else. Or a substitution for that would be, I work really hard at work. I give my 100%. You know, I work 80 hours a week. Same thing. One's just towards work and one's towards, like, relationships or people or family. Another one I hear is I don't drink or use every day. I can't possibly be addicted if I don't use every single day. I can go several days in a row without using. That's another way people convince themselves that something is not a problem or that they can't be addicted to it. This one I want to spend a little. A little bit of extra more time on because for some reason, this one lately has really been sort of standing out to me. And it's. It's this excuse of, well, the more she tells me not to, it's just the more I want to. And basically when people say that, it's as if they have no control over that it's their fault because it's just making me want to rebel. My parent, my spouse, whatever it is, and it's. They're putting it on that other person. The thing of it is there's a little truth in this and that we all have a little bit of rebelliousness in us. And when someone tells us not to do something, we kind of have an Urge, you know, that we might want to do it. But you're an adult, or you're at least old enough, you're watching these videos. So if you're old enough to watch these videos, then you've got some control over that. And I don't think that that's a valid excuse. Would it be helpful if someone weren't pushing you on it? Sure, but you can't use that as excuse or rationalization to continue to make bad choices. It's sort of a. It's kind of an immature way of thinking and letting yourself off the hook. Another one is some sort of comparison. Well, I don't drink or use as much as your dad, my sister, you know, my best buddy from college, you know, everybody else that I work with. So it's. I'm going to compare myself and say I'm not doing near as much as them, so I got to be fine. If y' all are wondering why I'm looking, I've got this list up over here for you. I want to see it. There's your list up there. There it is. I told you, it's a long one. Another one is, well, you gotta die from something. I know it's unhealthy for me. I know it's hurting my health, but, hey, we all die from something. Another one is, well, I'm old now. I'm retired. I just want to enjoy the last years of my life. Can't people just leave me alone and let me enjoy it? It's too late to change. I'm old. Another one I hear is, I could be doing worse things. I mean, it's not like heroin. It's not like meth or something like that. And this is. Again, it's like a comparison not to other people, but to harder substances. It's a way of minimizing whatever's going on. Another one is, well, I'm not really hurting anyone else. Like, I drink or I use alone. Other people don't even. Aren't even aware that I'm doing it. I'm not possibly causing anyone else any danger. Another one is, I need it to manage my pain, anxiety, or depression. It's the only way to fix this problem that I have. In most cases, when people are saying that, usually it started out that whatever the substance was was helpful to help manage the pain, the depression, anxiety. But by the time you get to the point that you're watching these videos, it's. It's no longer. It's not even not helping, it's making it worse. And worse and worse. But you people say, well, I'm not willing to try or do anything else because this is the. This is the only thing that's going to fix it. Another one is, well, I don't get hangovers. This is really common for people who are in later stage addiction or especially later stage alcoholism. A lot of them, most of them don't get hangovers anymore. And they see that as a sign that it must not be a problem. And really that's a sign that your body's like so used to it that it. It's not even getting hungover. Like, it's just on autopilot for processing all those toxins that combined with. You're so used to feeling kind of crappy the next day, you don't even realize you're hungover. So it was sort of a combination there. One other one is, my labs came back fine. I see this a lot. Especially if people are maybe thinking about cutting back or stopping or something like that because they're worried it's bad for their health. So then they go to the doctor, they have their liver panel run or something like that, and then the lab comes back and if it's not really bad, they're like, oh, dang, I'm good to go. No need. And it's like a free pass or something. It takes a lot to get to the point that you can see it. I think medically in your labs. I mean, the amount of stuff people do, it's amazing that they're still alive when you think about it. And our bodies are so resilient. By the time you start seeing it in your liver panels and all that kind of stuff, we've done some damage. It's been going on a long time before you can see it in, in the labs. I'm not talking about other than like a drug screen. I'm talking about like your. Your health. Here's another one I want to spend a little bit of extra time on. And that one is. Other people have told me it's not that big a deal. Like, I talk to my friends about it and they say I don't even drink near as much as them. Like, I can't possibly be alcoholic. Or my mother says this, my sister says this, whatever. And so it's. It's. Well, I checked with so and so, and they don't think it's a problem. So it can't possibly be be a problem. This person that I live with, this spouse, this parent, this whatever, you know, they're just being uptight because no one else is complaining about it. And usually that happens because everybody else doesn't see it nearly as soon as the person who's living with you or that's closest to you, that's the person or people that are going to see it first. It takes a good while for it to spill over into these other associations of people that you have that don't know you so well. It's not so much that they can't see any symptoms of it, but they don't see all of it. And so they don't. They may not see that as a problem. Additionally, sometimes people are just telling you that because they know that that's what you want to hear. And they're just being your friend and they're just saying the nice thing, and they don't want to be the one to have to, like, be mean or tell you something that's difficult. So you got to be careful when you trust this outside source. Because a lot of times, or even. Let me throw this one in there, even sometimes people say, well, I went to the counselor, I told them what was going on. They said, I wasn't really alcoholic, I just need to cut back or something. But a lot of times what's happening there is those people, counselor, friend, family member, they don't have all the information. And a lot of times, as a person, you're talking to them and you're leaving out big chunks of information as a way of trying to get the response that you want to get. So you got to be really, really careful with that one. Another one that I hear a lot is, I can do it on my own. And there's some truth in this because I like to say, well, everyone does it on their own. Like, no one else can do it for you. But it's a denial of saying, I don't have to talk to anybody about this. I don't have to learn anything about this. I don't have to get any kind of resource or help whatsoever about this. And the thing of it is, if that were true, it probably would have already happened. So by the time you're saying this statement out loud to someone, you've probably already tried on your own a bunch of different things. So it's not so much that you're not doing it on your own or that you can't, but you. You need some kind of resources, information, support, something to help you conquer this problem. Because it is, like they say, NA is cunning, baffling and powerful. Comes at you in a lot of different ways. That you wouldn't even necessarily expect. One that is probably, maybe even like the most common is I just need to cut back, I just need to do less. And I'm not against that one. But again, by the time you're saying this out loud to someone, you've probably been trying to cut it back and you're not being honest with yourself. And you may say, well, I tried, but I didn't really try, right? And so even your, your past efforts, you'll minimize your past efforts to make them like non qualified, like those don't count anymore and now this time it's going to be different. Or you can say, well, I did it, you know, I tried before, that was for someone else. It's a way of minimizing what the efforts are and the fact that this problem just keeps coming back over and over and over again. Another one that's really common is that when the person is telling themselves, whatever the unmanageability piece of their situation, maybe they don't have a job, maybe they're flunking their classes, maybe they're not showing up for something, they're constantly sort of telling themselves that they have a plan for fixing that and they're going to get a job, you know, next week, I'm going to start that on Monday, I'm going to fix it, you know, tomorrow. It's, it's always tomorrow. It's always this plan. And there's just a lack of honesty about what's really going to happen. And how long have you been saying that to yourself? How long is that going on? Another one that I get is, well, I'm just stubborn. No one else can tell me what to do. And that's very similar to the one that I said. It's just who I am. It's kind of like that mixed with the one where I said, well, I'm just doing it because they're trying to make me not do it. It's just a way of saying, well, I'm just gonna dig in on this. It's like, honestly, with this one, it's like, I don't even have a good reason. I'm just gonna do it. And then a big one is, and I want to spend a little time on this one is, I don't do it in front of my kids. Let's just pause right here for a second. Stop. Okay? Especially when it comes, you know, you usually hear this when it comes to drugs, but you can hear this when it comes to alcohol because you can say, well, I don't get drunk in front of my kids, that would be the alcohol version of this. And the thing of it is, this is like, if I'm not doing the drug in front of them, I'm not hurting them. Because the. It's almost like in your mind you're saying, well, the only way I could be hurting is if I was like, role modeling, doing crack in front of my kids or something. I mean, obviously that wouldn't be the greatest thing to do. But the unmanageability that you are bringing in your life because of the addiction is definitely 100% impacting your kids. No if, ands or buts about it. The fact that you can't get along with your. Their other parent, the fact that it's causing financial problems, the fact that it's causing career problems, the fact that it's causing you to not be able to be emotionally available, that you're hungover or you're messed up or you're in withdrawal constantly. It is definitely impacting your kids, whether or not they know you are doing it and whether or not they know they are watching you do it. So, please. That one's one of the hard truths for today. We got to bring that. We gotta. We gotta be honest about that. We gotta bring that in. And then the last one here is probably the one that I hear most commonly. And that one is, I'm just miserable in marriage or job, Saying, well, I'm just miserable. I've got this problem. I hate my boss. I'm stuck in this loveless relationship with this mean person who's always, you know, critical of me. And, and basically this is my excuse for why I'm using whatever the substance is. And the thing of it is, there may be a little truth in that, but what most people fail to realize is that a lot of times the reason that you're miserable in those situations is because of the addiction in several ways. Because neurochemically, it's messing you up. You're getting all kinds of bad neurochemicals going on. So it makes you feel irritable, frustrated, anxious. You're not sleeping good. So your. Your resiliency is. Is way down. So everything bothers you more. Plus the fact that you're probably not holding up your end of the bargain the way that you used to. So your. Your school, your employer, your spouse is frustrated at you, and they're coming at you and they're putting consequences on you, and they're having conversations with you, and you hate all that. So it's making you dis even more so when I start working with someone, this. This is what, this is the first thing they want to talk to me about. And, and I definitely let them talk about it. But I say, I don't want you to make any decisions about this until we address this other thing, because this other thing is very likely playing into. Into the situation a lot more than you can imagine as far as the dynamics and why you feel the way that you feel. I'm not saying you don't feel that way, but I'm saying, like, that the addiction is contributing to that to a large degree. Okay, that's my list. I know I went through them pretty quick, but there was a lot of them, so I wanted to go through them pretty quick. I'm wondering how many on that list you guys really relate to, you've heard of, you've thought before, maybe you've even said it out loud. I'd love to know the number. And if there's one in there that you heard that's like, oh, my gosh, that's the one, then, then tell us it. And also, if there's one, I didn't say, obviously there's a lot more than this. If there's another one that you've heard or you've said, throw that up there, because I'll probably be like, oh, man, I need to add that list. Next time I talk about this, I'm going to add it on. All right, in just a minute, we are going to take questions and comments from those of you who are here live. If you're watching the playback, you can put your comments in the comment section. I always go back and read all of those. And if you want to catch us live, we're live every Thursday at 1pm Eastern. So we'd love to see you next time when we're live while we wait for you to get your comments and questions up here and breeze behind the scenes. Thank goodness our moderators back there. And she's going to help us. She's going to help me be organized with it because when I do it myself, I'm all over the place to get, to get to your questions and concerns and that sort of thing. There are, I want to remind you, there are resources in the description. If you are dealing with someone in denial and you want to figure out how to get them out of denial and you want to know what the best resource for that is. The best resource for that is our invisible intervention program. It literally, that's what it does, is it helps you to get your Loved one out of denial, without yelling, nagging, fighting, arguing, being the bad guy. It's like, how do I, step by step, peel these layers back so my loved one can see what the problem is, and they'll become more ready and willing to take steps and actions towards solving it. If you're interested in that, it's the invisible intervention. The link is in the description. Some of you are in our beta group for our new lessons that are coming out. And those of you who are, if you're already in there, we are having our live call tomorrow afternoon. You should get a link or email about that. All right, Bri, do we have some good questions or concerns out there? Here we go. Bri's ready. Kelly says, what if a partner acknowledges their problem, says he wants to be sober more than anything, but keeps drinking, trying to quit on their own for a year, plus keep struggling, won't get professional support. I think a lot of times when people say that, they do mean it, but. But they're so stuck in the cycle, the unmanageability so much, they just can't get it together enough to take steps. And so a lot of times when someone, especially when you get someone with those, like, moments of clarity, think of what action steps you can get this person to take. If it's. They won't do professional help, will they? Will they do something like a sober link or clearly for accountability, will they listen to a podcast? Will they take any small step, ask them if they're willing to do it, and then if there's anything you can do to help with arrangements of that and they're okay with you doing that, I would encourage you to help them. Because most of the time people are stuck in these cycles, there's so much unmanageability, and there's a lot of things involved in finding these resources and contacting these resources and that kind of thing that they just lose steam on it. And so they need some help sometimes putting all that together. Jennifer S. Says, what about if their excuse to drink is they just like it. That's a good one. That's a good one. I should have had that on the list because that's a common one. Jennifer. It's the same as even, like, I just like the taste of it and yeah, you just like it because of the effects and there's just more to it, I guess, is what I would say. Jennifer, you like it because if you're addicted to it, it's the only thing that makes you feel better. So of course you like it. The question Is is do you like anything else? So the reason to deal with the problem isn't because you don't like it. Of course you like it. The reason is because you want to be able to like other things in your life and enjoy other moments in your life too. So it's kind of like once you get addicted, it becomes your one and only thing. If you keep having that thing, that's the only thing and nothing else you're going to enjoy in your life. All of your hard work, accomplishments, all those really cool moments and things you've been looking forward to, you will not enjoy the same way way, especially if it doesn't involve that substance. So it's not so much that I tell someone that they don't like it because of course they do like it. But a lot of times we have to give up a lot of things that we like in order to have something else. Michelle says, I have a 31 year old son who says he can do it on his own because he has already been to so many treatment centers and programs and in his own words, it never works. I don't know what to say to him. Well, what I would say to you, Michelle, is that there's probably some truth in it. If your son has been into treatment program after treatment program. I don't know what he, what he's addicted to, but he may need detox, but he may not need to go back to like listening to those same old groups. He probably has heard it a thousand times. The reason it's not working is because he's not doing what they've told him to do. And the reason he's saying do it on his own is because he knows what he should be doing to fix it. He's just not doing it. So I would say there's a little, a little truth in that statement and a little untruth in that statement. The untruth is like when he says it doesn't work, it's really that he's not working the program. And I mean any program, all of them or almost all of them work. If you do what they're asking you to do, it's a matter of whether or not you're going to do it. When you leave, it's not somebody. It's not like when you're sick and you just take a medicine and passively you're better. It's a different kind of thing. It's when you go to treatments like you're learning all these skills, these resources, all the things you got to do. And if it's not working when you get out, it's probably because something's missing or you're not. Maybe you're not doing something or maybe you know, you're not letting go of some specific something. Stephanie says hi question on the interviews with Sober Dog where their specific things were there, specific things that worked for him. I watched a couple and mainly covered solitary. Definitely didn't work. Okay, so what Stephanie's talking about is there's a, there's an interview with the, with a guy named Kyle on the channel I did. This was a couple years ago. He has a channel called Sober Dog. And I think you're gonna have to ask him more specifically about what worked for him. The thing I remember him saying is like he was in and out of jail, he got in trouble. And then finally like I think the last time he got in trouble legally for something, it was like go back to prison or go to like this year long program which was what they call like a therapeutic community. And he chose that and he ended up saying that's what worked for him. But what we want to know is what specifically is about that therapeutic community worked. And I would encourage you to jump over to his channel and check it out and ask him that. I think he'll be able to tell you, tell you more. CSG says I've heard I'm terrified to feel the pain. Okay. So when someone says that to you, that's valid and I feel like they're probably being honest with you and somewhat vulnerable and, and with most addictions there are some ways to make at least the detox part more comfortable. I don't know if I would exactly say it to the person this way, but what I would say is right now, the way you have it, you're experiencing the pain over and over and over again. You're in withdrawal, you're out of withdrawal, the pain comes back. So you're re experiencing it a million times. And it's kind of like if we can just figure out how to deal with it and get on the other side of it, you can be done with it. We don't have to keep feeling this pain over and over and over again. Kim says have heard nearly everything on this list except so and so doesn't think I have a problem. That that's a common one. And because you're your loved one will will like especially if you're on their case, they'll go to their cousin, their family member, their co worker, wife thinks this and this and this and they'll set up the situation or even a counselor in such a way that they're going to get the feedback that they want. And it's sort of like they're, they're self validating. Lydia says, I've heard life is too boring without drugs. And I don't know how to fill up my sober time. Okay, this is a good one. And it's not on the list. The, the reason why life is so boring without drugs is because once you get addicted to something, you only, you can only experience joy through the addiction. You lose the capacity to experience joy, happiness, pleasure, contentment, you know, pride through other things. And so when you think about life without drugs, it does sound pretty boring. You have to let your brain chemistry normalize back out to be able to experience joy and happiness. And if you've done that and you're still not feeling better, then, I mean, if you've got enough time for your brain chemicals to stabilize. Are you out there trying to live life or are you like sitting at home and sulking and trying to sell yourself that sobriety sucks and I hate this. And you're. You're literally not letting yourself feel better to prove that you might as well just be using drugs. Because sometimes you can set yourself up that way. So you gotta, you gotta allow the time and you gotta be honest. You got to put in the work to go out there and build a life that you love. But in fact, life is so, so much more not boring when you're addicted. It's the most boring thing. You're literally stuck in the same cycle. In the beginning, you may have friends and stuff you do it with, but in the end, you're alone. It's the most lonely, boringest place to be. Bailey says, hi, Amber. My loved one just got OVI last week. Still doesn't say she is alcoholic, but says she has an alcohol problem. She's never said she's now cock, but keeps trying to drink in moderation. Good for a few days and then over does it. Refuses to go see someone trying on her own. I'm out of options and have no idea what to say to her. Please help. I don't know what OVI is. Is that like a dui? Is that just some kind of different language? I don't know what that is, but I'm assuming it's some kind of something like that. What I would say is, the next time the person says, I can do it myself, then I would say, okay, I believe in you. That sounds good. But if it doesn't work Will you agree that we need to at least get some advice or some help, like get them to say, okay, we're going to. Let's try it by yourself this time. But. But if it doesn't work, will you agree to this? X, Y, or Z? And most people do need to try it on their own several times before they're gonna do anything, like get professional help, go to, like, a meeting, or anything like that. So. Eric says, do you recommend people from outside my immediate family who have been affected by my spouse's drinking say something to my spouse about how they feel they are affected by her drinking? No, I do not. And I especially do not. If it's a situation where it's like you're asking them to talk to your loved one, that almost always ends badly. And so if it's more natural and it's just naturally comes to them and the situation is right and they're talking to the person about it, that's fine. But if it's some kind of, like, arranged thing, it just. It's just hardly. It hardly ever works. It's going to make the person defensive. And. And if your loved one finds out for any reason that you sent those people, oh, my gosh, they're never going to get over it, and they're just going to use that to hide behind forever. So don't ask someone from your church to talk to them. Don't ask your neighbor's sister who's in recovery to reach out and call them. Like, it is going to make them very angry because they're going to feel like you're talking negatively about them to other people. They're going to feel like it's disloyal. And you're not even saying that that's what's going on. Eric, you're. Maybe the other people are asking you should they say something. And. And I would say to them, hey, if. If the thing feels right, but what you're trying to do is you're trying to get someone to see that their life can get better. And sometimes when you're trying to make someone see something that's going to make them feel ashamed, they're going to block it, they're going to be defensive, and sometimes they're going to just, like, come out fighting or put it back on you. So I don't know that they should approach in some kind of, like, planned way. And the goal isn't to make them feel shameful because that. That almost always backfires. Jacqueline says, do you have a first set of videos that you would recommend for a person who will not seek counseling and not follow through. Alcohol is the addiction. I. People ask me that a lot, like, where to start on the videos. And I don't have a start here because we have spouses coming in, parents coming in, people with addictions coming in to watch these videos, and you're all at a different place. There is a. A playlist that's called if you're trying to conquer alcohol addiction, something like that. If you have an alcohol addiction, watch these videos. And they're all in a playlist, so that might be a really good place to start. And then another one is, I have a whole playlist that's based on relapse prevention. So maybe the person gets some period sobriety, but they keep falling back. Maybe the relapse prevention series might be the good. The good series for them to start. Ashley says all of them. I've also heard them claim that they don't finish the bottle or glass, so there's no way they could be alcoholic. Oh, that's a good one. I'm trying to think if I've heard that one, Ash. No, I don't think I've heard that one. Honestly, most of the people that I say say no. If I buy it, I'm gonna drink it. Most people I see say, like, I try to tell myself I'm only gonna drink one of these, and I end up drinking both of them or whatever like that. But. But I could see where that could happen. And it's one of those things where someone's sort of purposefully trying to prove to themselves that they don't have a problem, I would say, but I. I'm kind of skeptical that that's even happening, to be honest. Is that all our questions, Bri? All right, I think we're to the end of our questions. Thank you so much for everybody who shows up live. It really does mean the world to me. In the beginning, when I first started doing these lives, it was just me talking to myself. And let me tell you what, that feels awkward. It feels awkward anyway, but it feels even more awkward when you're by yourself. Hope to see you guys next week, Thursdays at 1. And don't forget about the resources that are in the description. If you need some coaching and some help, look at our membership. Our family recovery coaches have private coaching sessions every week to answer all your questions and guide you along for our members. All right, we'll see you next time. Bye, everybody.