Feel Better Now | Manage Your Emotions With This Surprisingly Simple Thinking Shift

The key to controlling your emotions is to control your thinking. Have you ever heard someone say, or maybe you said this before? Well, you can't help how you feel. Actually, that is not very true at all. And I'm going to give you two very simple ways to control the way you think, which will help you feel completely different. These are strategies that anyone can use, and you'll be remarkably. I mean, it's just super surprising how effective these two little, I call them, like, thinking changes or mind tweaks really work. All right, if you're new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can recover your life and your loved ones and get back to living the life that you want to live. All right, today's lesson is seriously can help any. Anybody out there, whether you're in recovery or you're the family member or you don't have anything to do with recovery at all. You're going to like this lesson. Let me start out with just a little scenario to maybe get our heads in the right place and get our thinking all aligned. Okay, let's pretend it is the middle of summer, and it's super hot outside, and you have to go run some errands. And those errands that you have to run are on the busiest road in your town. You guys have that, where everything that you need, it seems like it's always right on this one road, but it's, like the worst traffic, and you just hate getting on the road. For us here in here in Greenville, it is Woodruff Road. Everything good is on Woodruff Road, but you don't want to drive down it because it's literally just going to take you forever to get anywhere. So it's the middle of summer. You've got to run some errands on the busiest road in your town. On a Saturday, let's say that those errands are, you have to stop by the cell phone store because something's wrong with your phone. Is that seriously the most annoying thing? Right. Dealing with cell phone issues at the cell phone store. Right. And you have to stop by because your air conditioner in your car has suddenly quit working, and you need to stop and have it looked at. So that's what you're on your agenda for the day is Saturday, hot, middle of summer. You got to run these errands on the busiest road ever. You're about to leave the house. You look over before you Leave, and you see your spouse or your kid or your roommate and they're laying on the couch like watching Saturday morning tv, eating Cheetos or something like that, and you say to them, listen, I got to run some errands. I'm going to be gone probably half the day. Would you mind taking the laundry out of the washer and throwing it in the dryer before I get back so those clothes will be dry because I need that shirt for tomorrow. Something like that. So you ask them to do this simple move the laundry thing. You take off for your errands. It's a long, hot day, you're at the cell phone store for forever. And naturally, I don't know if you ever been to the cell phone store trying to get something fixed, but you leave and it's not even fixed, right? Or you leave, it's fixed for five minutes and then it's broken again. And you go get your air conditioner checked out and the guy says, yeah, we can fix it, but it's going to cost you $800. This is a rough day, right? And then you come back home, all you want to do is sit down and relax and be in the air conditioning and you walk back in the house and. And guess where your spouse, child slash roommate, whoever, this other person you live with, guess where they are. Right there on the couch, right? With like Cheeto crumbs all over them. And they have been Netflix binging all day. And you look at them and you're like, hey. And they're like, hey, did you have a good day? Whatever. And then you go in there to get your shirt that you need and guess what? It is still in the washing machine is soaking wet. Now, if this is you, what emotion would you feel at this moment? You guys let me know in the chat or in the comments. What. How would you describe how you're going to feel in this moment? Are you going to feel enraged? Are you going to feel overwhelmed? Do you just want to go back into the living room, scream, holler, make a scene? I bet if you've experienced something like that, then you know what I'm talking about. Those are some pretty typical emotions for a situation like that. One of the reasons why you're going to feel so enraged by that is because you're going to be telling yourself some thought that goes something like this. You're going to be telling yourself, if they cared anything about me whatsoever, they could have got up and done that simple little task, right? Isn't that what you're going to Be telling yourself. And when you tell yourself that, then you're going to be completely enraged because you've done all the errands on the hot day, you're exhausted, and they've literally been Netflix binging, eating chips on the couch all day, and you're telling yourself like, they don't care about me at all. And that is the reason why you're having such a huge reaction to that is because you're telling yourself that that's what I call in a assigning an irrational meaning to some event that happens in your life, right? Because we're jumping from there's wet laundry still in the washing machine to this person doesn't care about me whatsoever. Do you see how that's a huge jump? We do that kind of thing all the time. We assign meaning oftentimes where there's not meaning there. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, yeah, Amber, that's right. That probably does mean they don't care about you at all. Because if they did, they would take into consideration this one little simple thing you asked them to do. Well, I guess it could mean that, but chances are it just means they forgot, right? And then you might be thinking, well, they wouldn't forget if they cared about you. I don't think that that person is associating, changing that laundry over with their care or feelings for you if we're completely irrational about this, right? When you have these kind of moments where you're assigning meaning to a situation that that meaning really isn't there, your emotional response is going to be much more extreme. If when you walk in and you see that and you just think they forgot, you're still going to be in annoyed, you're not going to like it, but you are not going to be enraged, right? I mean, what's about to go down when you tell yourself, this person doesn't even care about me and I did everything, there's to be a level 10 super dramatic fight that goes down, right? And so if you want to learn to dial down your emotional response to things or at least get it into a rational level, these are some tricks that are going to help you. So the first one is don't assign irrational meaning where it doesn't belong. Let me give you another really common example. How many of you have gotten really freaked out when you text someone and it's three hours later and they haven't messaged you back, right? We get really freaked out by that sometimes because what we start assigning a meaning to that we might be telling ourselves, oh, they don't even care about me. We might be telling ourselves, oh, I'm just bothering them and they just. They're annoyed by me. We might be telling ourselves, I know they're out there using. That's why they didn't answer my text. So we start jumping to conclusions. That's what that's called. So we start deciding that we know exactly why that other person is not answering our text. Now, I guess in some situations those are possibilities that could be true, but there are also about a million other possibilities that could be true, right? Maybe their battery died, right? Maybe they're driving and their phone doesn't push text through when they're driving. Maybe they're just busy. Maybe they saw your text and they forgot. Now, that forgot. You gotta be careful right there. So don't go back to that. Well, they wouldn't forget if I was important to them. We all forget things. Think about the last time you forgot something that you really need to do that was important. We've all done it, right? It's this jumping to conclusions, assigning meaning where there isn't any, that gets those emotions dialed way up. If you want to go from screamingly angry, turn the dial down to annoyed, you need to really look at a situation and decide if you're jumping to a conclusion there. And a lot of times we just do this automatically. And so it takes some time to really retrain ourselves to back up and not automatically do that. Or maybe if we do automatically do that, back up and reassess right after that. Because sometimes it just happens almost reflexively, and you have to say, okay, no way. And you have to think it through. See, here's another example I like to give. Let's pretend that you are leaving your house in the morning to go to work. And you get halfway to work and you realize that you forgot to let the dog out in the yard to go to the bathroom before you left. And then you start getting in your head and you start thinking, oh, my gosh, I forgot to let the dog out. They're going to go number one and number two all over the house. It's going to be a giant disaster. And then you think, oh, when my spouse gets home, he's going to be so mad. But you know what? You know what? He doesn't even need to be mad at me. Because you know what? He could help too. You know, he could have let that dog out in the yard. It's not just my job. Why do I have to do everything you know what, come to think of it, he doesn't even help at all. Can you see where your emotion is going from one small thing? It's getting bigger and bigger and bigger and you know it. If you stay with this storyline then by the time you get home you're going to be have called your lawyer. Planning for the divorce, right? We can get really irrational because we start jumping to conclusions, we start deciding what things mean emotionally that they don't really mean. Things aren't usually quite so personal, but we can get that way in our own irrational thinking. There are also I think some sort of irrational thoughts, slogans, things we tell people in recovery that I think can get us in trouble. That I think these are some recovery specific thoughts that we might should re evaluate. You guys know I've said, those of you that watch my videos, you know that I say this all the time. This whole idea that you have to, you have to want recovery for yourself. I had a new client in my office yesterday and he was saying that well you, I just, you just have to want it for yourself. And I'm like no, not really. Kind of need to want it for a few reasons. And having some external reasons is pretty helpful because if you just want it for yourself, there's a lot of days you don't care about you, right. And that doesn't even matter. And that's not enough to keep you sober. Some of the recovery things that we say all the time just inhabit and we teach people really turn into this self fulfilling prophecy. There's so many recovery things, slogans that we say to people that's like, well it won't work if. Or it can only work if, like if you don't go to meetings, you're going to relapse. Is going to meetings helpful for not relapsing? Yes it is. And the reason why it is is because it keeps recovery in the front of your mind. It keeps it a priority in your life. But does not going to a meeting immediately mean you relapse? No. But we can become so programmed with an automatic thought that subconsciously we can almost like self fulfilled prophecy there. We can get ourselves in some big trouble with these kinds of irrational thoughts. So controlling these thoughts is going to help you get a much better control over your own emotions. You will be able to feel better much more quickly if you can grab a hold of this. Now this next one that I'm going to tell you is a very simple one. It's even more simple than the first one and it works almost Instantly Campbell talks to her clients. Campbell, our family counselor, she talks to her clients a lot about this. I hear saying this to her clients. It's really good. We get in these habits of using these big, like big, giant global emotional words. I'm going to give you three of them that we tend to use all the time that aren't exactly accurate. And when we use them, when we think them or we say them out loud, we're really making ourselves feel worse. For example, people use the word anxious all the time, right? Or anxiety. Anxious. They'll say I'm anxious or I have anxiety about that. Well, anxiety is a, like, if you have like real anxiety disorder, that's a whole nother level of thing. And if you use that term all the time, if you do have an anxiety disorder, that's fine. But even if you do have that we overly generalize that feeling word when a lot of times, if we can break that down more specifically, you're going to feel differently because if you're saying to yourself or to someone else, you're reinforcing I have an anxiety disorder which is going to keep you feeling terrible. So what are some other words besides anxious? I got a list, I wrote some lists of some other words for you. Wondering what other words that you guys know of. How about I feel afraid, I feel worried, I feel confused, I feel doubtful, I feel shameful, I feel embarrassed or hesitant or shy or vulnerable or suspicious or alarmed. Do you see how there are so many other words could be used? And you're like, what difference does that make? It makes a big difference difference. If you use this really emotionally charged, over generalized word every time you think a thought you have, your body responds to that thought with a, with a drip of neurochemical in your brain. So if you have an anxious thought, you get an anxious drip of chemical. I like to think about it in your brain like there's a little eyedropper, like there's a guy in there like dropping drops of chemical in your brain. If you have positive thought, you get a positive drip. If you have anxious thought, you get an anxious drip. And those drips of neurochemical control how you feel. That's how we get ourselves worked up into panic or panic disorder. It's just a flood of that little dropper going crazy. Anxious thought after anxious thought after anxious thought until you can have a full on panic attack. Right? Distraught. That's a good one. Emotional. Yeah. So it's like you've got to really narrow down what you're feeling because number one it's going to dial down the emotion, the emotional response on it, and it's going to help you more accurately identify what you need to do about it. Right. If it's I'm anxious versus I'm doubtful, or I'm anxious versus I'm confused or I'm anxious versus I'm a little worried about this one particular situation, when you narrow it down like that, you feel better and you can more specifically address the real issue. I'm telling you, try this. It makes a big difference in how you feel. Angry is the other one that I hear. Sort of overused, right? Of course. We all get angry. Anger is a defensive emotion. It's designed to protect you. Right. It's designed to tell you that someone or something or some situation has crossed your boundaries in a way that you're not okay with. And it kind of says, like, do something about it. And so when. When you're angry, let's break that down into some other words. What are some other words other than angry? How about irritated? Look at the difference in telling yourself, I'm angry versus I'm irritated. What about I'm upset or I'm offended or I'm annoyed or I think this is really unpleasant. Can you see the difference? The wide range? You know, there's a continuum of anger, right. Everything doesn't have to be all the way hear. On the most extreme end, probably the word that I hear overused more than any other word is the word depressed. And I'm guilty of doing these things too. Right? Like, we just. These are just in our vocabulary, and we just throw them out out there. Oh, resentful. I like that one. Gadget. So depressed. What are some words for depressed? You can be sad, lonely, isolated. You can feel like you're being misunderstood. You can feel down. You can feel uninterested, disappointed, discouraged. I'm telling you, I got like a long list of these. Indifferent, dissatisfied, incapable, inferior, empty, fatigued. I'm not gonna bore y'. All. I got a lot. Y'. All. Put some of the ones I'm not saying up here so we can. We can see a Sabrina buys us thesaurus, right? Exactly. I'm telling you, when you can shift your thinking like this, it will shift very quickly the way you feel. And the one little third bonus strategy I would add on to that is when you're shifting, you're thinking from this like, I'm angry or I'm depressed. You can also contain that even further by putting it in a container. Maybe it's a time container. You might have heard me talk about this before. Like, sometimes we tell ourselves, like, you wake up and you spill your coffee all over yourself, and you think, oh, it's a bad day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And you just literally throw your whole day away right then because you said, it's a bad day. How about, I had a little bit of a rough start to my morning. That's different than a bad day, right? Because it's a time container, or I was a little bit irritated at lunch today, but I got over it. It's a container that you're putting on it. That really is a much more rational way to view and articulate what's actually happening to you. So when you can contain your emotions like that, you turn the volume down, you gain control over them, and you gain a much more, like, rational, effective ability to deal with them. Because when your emotions are turned up too high, your thinking brain doesn't work. So that's another good reason to get the emotional center to turn down. Because your thinking brain doesn't work when you're upset or you're emotionally charged. You need that to turn down so you can think about how to solve the problem. Get out of your emotional brain into your wise mind. I sound like something super counselor to say, doesn't it? I try not to say super counselor things, but sometimes they sneak out. Let's say hello to some of you guys who are joining us. Hey, Taylor, thank you for the super chat. That's awesome. I appreciate that. See, we have win words fail me. That's Rebecca and Brenda and Steph. Thank you guys for joining us. Y' all are giving me some good anger words in here. Christine says feel alone. Brenda says enraged. Jennifer says resentment. You can see that a lot of you guys are coming up with these different words, but are you guys like me where it's like you just use, like, one word all the time? It's your go to. We need to widen our vocabulary a little bit, don't we? Make our life a little easier. All right, Donna says angry and alone. Living with three addicts and alcoholics for over 20 years. It has been a nightmare. Even caused a stroke five years ago. Not sure how much I can take. Glad to be here. All right, here's what I want to say. This is perfect statement. Donna, please don't. I hope you don't mind me. I'm going to take an example out of this. Donna is telling us how she feels about living with three addicts and alcoholics for 20 years how many of you relate to what Donna's saying, right? I can relate to it. I don't blame her for feeling that way, but she's using the words a nightmare, right? And I don't know how much more I can take. These are reinforcing statements that you're saying in your head, Donna. That's going to keep you stuck in that feeling, right? Maybe you say, there are days when I feel overwhelmed by this thing. It has affected my health in the past. You can say the truth. I'm not telling you to sort of pretend it's sunshine rainbows when it's not. Obviously you don't do that. But if you can put the containers on, if you can say there's good days and there's some really bad days, even just making little shifts like that in your thinking and how you say what you're saying can completely shift how you feel about it, which is going to increase your ability to actually solve the problem. Because we get stuck in that emotional overwhelm and we just drowned in it. Right? You just can't get out, you can't think, and you just spin, you know, it's just like you're working so hard to barely keep your head above the water, which is a not good feeling. Donnie says, starting to think I should have let the dog out. Yeah, you should have let the dog out. Donnie Vera says, in the grand scheme of things, I will take Cheeto crumbs and wet. Sure. Over dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict family member. Years of dealing with them helps not sweat the smaller stuff. Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. It's like you think, well, it could be worse. That's a way to kind of put the way you feel into. To turn down the emotion or to use a gratitude. Gratitude is another way to turn down the dial on emotion. These simple thinking tricks make up big difference. Hey, Sabrina. Steph says, trying to reframe the thought. I'm excited, not anxious. Oh, yeah, I like that. Reframe. That's a counselor word. And it's a good one because it. It's basically like taking a situation and putting a different frame. Think of a picture frame around it. It makes the whole thing. Brenda says it's really hard to talk about this weeks after an incident, but my loved one who uses. Wants to blame me and sets boundaries. She wants me to agree to or she won't ever talk to me again. So she's. She's sort of holding you a little bit hostage there, huh, Brenda? She's she's saying, if you don't do this, then I'm not going to do this. She's giving you the ultimatum. Mickey says, did I miss your response to my question? If I did, I'm sorry, that's the first one. Let's see. Mickey asked us a question. Let's go back and find it. Because I have a loved one who wants to get help but has stipulations. Does that mean they really aren't serious? If they are, how can they get in your online Zoom program? Do you take insurance? All right, that's several questions. Let me take those one by one for you, Mickey. The first answer is no. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to get help in recovery. They talk about willingness a lot. And some people will say, well, if you're not willing to do everything I tell you, then you're not ready to get in recovery. And they'll say, just come back when you're ready. But I don't believe that. Right. Are you willing to take these first two or three steps and it's better to meet them where they're at? That's the way we refer to it in counseling. It's like, go to where they're at, meet them right there. And. And then a lot of times, if you'll do that, they'll be willing to take the next couple of steps and the next couple of steps. Right. Maybe all you can get your loved one to do is listen to a podcast on recovery. That was really interesting, or watch a YouTube video or something like that. That's a step, isn't it? Right. We get in our mind, we think, oh, you know, they're never going to get it because they won't go admit themselves into six months of an inpatient treatment center. Well, it takes a lot and a long time to get someone to do that. So sometimes you have to meet them where they're at. So does it mean they're not ready? No. What was the next part of that question? The next part of that question was, if they are, can they get in your online or Zoom program? Right now, Miki, we have online programs that are open for family members, and within the next month, we will have some online programs that are open for people struggling with addiction and early recovery or thinking about being in early recovery. We do do some consultation sessions and a little bit of coaching sessions, but we don't get into full counseling. If you want to know more about any of those programs or scheduling with me or one of my specialists. The links are in the description. And we do not take insurance. We can't take insurance for those kinds of sessions. Those kinds of codes just don't work. All right. Thank you, everyone who joined us. Let me know if you like this topic, if this is helpful, because I can we can do a lot more. This is called cognitive behavior therapy, which is all about changing your thinking. It's a very popular, very common kind of counseling techniques, and they're so easy to learn, and they're easy shifts to make that make a big difference. If you want to know more about those, you guys, let me know that in the comments or in the chat, and we'll. And I'll bring you some more of it. We'll see you next Thursday at 1 Eastern.