Feeling Emotionally Exhausted From Dealing With A Loved One's Addiction?

Hey everyone. Welcome to today's Live. So today I am going to talk about how to keep your energy when you pretty much feel like you don't have any. Because when you are in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction, it's really hard to maintain your energy. And for all those introverts out there like myself, I'm not just speaking to you, but I'm especially speaking to you because introverts lose their energy faster than extroverts. That doesn't mean extroverts don't lose their energy. So what I'm going to talk about today, it's going to both speak to introverts and extroverts. But what I want to talk about going into looking at our stress system because our stress system really zaps our energy really fast. And so when you think about our stress system, we're all familiar with Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn has been added recently. But I want to talk about how we, how our stories and when I say our stories are what we've experienced up to this point in our life and how our perceptions of that then can trigger our stress system in our brain. And if our stress system is triggered in our brain, then guess what? We're responding from a Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. And that takes more energy than just functioning in just day to day life. So one, I want to go over what those four things actually mean. I think the majority of you guys probably know what the first three are. Fawn, I want to be able to really give a definition of what that is. And then I want to be able to give you three things to do with when you find yourself in a reactive state. And I want to introduce three other concepts for how to keep us out of the stress response and how to kind of really kind of be able to prevent that as much as possible. So lots of things, but I want to be able to get some questions in there too. And I know I tend to talk fast, so I'm going to try to keep it a little bit slower. Okay, so the first one, fight. We all know what fight is. Fight is when basically the primal part of our brain says, oh, I'm in a dangerous situation, there's a tiger chasing me, I better run. And so just like I said earlier, when our brain gets to the point where we, our stories, our history identifies something as scary or that we need to fight, then our brain responds to it. So even if I have a bad experience with a water bottle, then when my brain sees a water bottle, it automatically is Going to be a little bit more engaged for, oh, this could be a serious situation. You can even see when I'm enacting that my eyebrows go up real fast. My body lurches forward. This is the fight system. And so when you're in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction, that might mean the shake of their keys, that might mean their body posture, that might mean a huff or a puff. It can mean a lot of these things. So you can feel your body going into the stress response. That doesn't mean that you do anything with it. You just feel it. And so with fight, you tend to get a lot of energy. For a lot of people, their shoulders tighten, their chest tightens, their voice elevates, they get more verbose. They're just. They're ready to go. And so with our fight, it's. It's easier to identify. With flight, sometimes we want to run with flight. This can mean that we don't speak. It can mean that we walk into the other room. It can mean that we just have this physical sensation inside of us that we literally want to run away from this situation. As adults, we can't really do that a lot of times, so we have to pay attention to is our body telling us to run, even if we're not actually running. And remember, what I want to talk about today is, is how to calm that part of our body down, how to calm that part of our brain down so that we don't spend all of our energy just biologically in this stress system. So the other one is the freeze. And this is where we just like it sounds. We freeze. We don't know what to say. We don't have good responses. We don't know how to answer questions. I've had a lot of people describe this to me as their brain just kind of goes foggy. Sometimes their loved one will take advantage of this. Sometimes their loved one will weaponize it. Sometimes the people will feel really stupid when they're experiencing it. But with freeze, it really is just your. Your brain is flooded and you can't quite get a good thought, so everything just kind of shuts down. And then the last one is fawn. And like I said before, I want to be able to give an example of what are some definitions for what fawning is. There's a lot of research out there on what fawn is. There's a lot of definitions. If I don't. If you walk away from this and you're not quite sure what it is, I highly encourage you to Go to go figure out what it is if I can't do a good enough job describing it. But excuse me, what fawn is where what we do is we try to. We try to control the situation by having really muted emotions. And so we don't ask a lot of questions, we don't give a lot of feedback. We are kind of subdued in the moment. What we're trying to do is we're trying to make the moment go as quickly as possible so we can definitely appeal to the person's ego. We may even say nice things. We may even kind of just feed their ego in some ways. But most of the time what it is, is think about like you, you are being the fire blanket to a fire. And so when you're the fire blanket though, you're putting yourself over the fire so your emotions are very muted and you're really just trying to get through that moment as quickly as possible there. This can be a lot of self sabotaging. It can be a lot of making yourself smaller. And with fawning, the thing that I find really interesting about it is it's one of the ones that is the least talked about, but also for a lot of people, it's the one that they probably do the most without even recognizing it. So they can. This can be a version of placating. This can be a version of people pleasing. This can be a version of just being agreeable, of being just someone that says, oh, you're very, you know, you're easy to get, get along with or you're very passive. And so with fawning, we really have to be able to kind of separate. Is this really what my personality is? Am I agreeable or am I just fawning, responding in these moments? Because again, remember, the point about is to recognize that when we go into the stress system in our brain, our body responds and it zaps our energy. So the longer we're there, the longer we're living in these four places, the less energetic we are and the less energetic we are, the less we're able to engage in the strategies that we talk a lot about on this channel. The less we're able to be strategic, the less we're able to really maintain our emotions and be connectable or to be appropriate and not inflame the situation. So those are the four stress responses. I do think it's good after this or even during this, if you're noticing. Yeah, I do that one more. This is kind of where I tend to go, or this is my order. I Tend to do this, and then it leads to this, and then it leads to that. The more we can develop awareness around this, the better. Because the whole point of this is I want you guys to be able to identify in the moment, oh, my stress system has been activated. I am fawning or I am wanting to fight, or I am freezing. Because once we can identify that we are in that stress system, guess what? We can do something about it. So this is what I want you to do. When you identify that you're in it, the quickest way to get yourself kind of out of that is to put something cold right here on the bridge of your nose. And this will definitely kind of reactivate your sensory system. It reactivates this prefrontal cortex, which is what we want, because that's where our logical thinking is. The other thing that we can do is we can put an ice pack on the very back of our neck. Because again, this does the same thing that this does up here in the bridge of our nose. It just reengages our brain to the part of where we want to be engaged. Another option is I want you to, if you find yourself, especially for the fighters, if you find yourself talking a lot during these moments, stop talking. Just stop talking. Don't say anything. And in the place. And this is where I want you to breathe. And a lot of people either have real good feelings about breathing or really bad feelings about breathing. But the truth is, breath work works. And so because what happens is when we are in a stress system, a stress response, we forget to breathe or we take really shallow breaths. And when we take these shallow breaths, it triggers our body, oh, crap, this is a big deal. And I need to respond in a stressful way. But I'm telling you, the more you respond in a stressful way, the more you self sabotage, the more you get, go against the strategies that we teach, and the less able you are to actually show up in that situation in the way that is best for you. So breathe. And so when you breathe, I think it's really important that you take diaphragm breaths, you take belly breaths, you take rib breaths. If you don't know what those things are, I highly encourage you to research them. And on Friday, maybe if I get some feedback that you guys want me to teach what that is, I can. But if not, there's lots of stuff on the Internet with people that can probably teach it better than I can. But what we want to do in those moments is we want to be able to really reset our stress System. So ice right here, ice right here. Stop talking and take some breath. Work. So the other set of threes that I said I would get to real quickly on this is when you think about working with our stress system, we have to be proactive. And the way that we're proactive with this is we. We make sure that we have lives that we like. We make sure that we have situations that feel good to be in. We're physically exercising, we're eating. I can't stress that one enough. So many people forget to eat when they're stressed. And when, as we're walking into the holidays, it's important to recognize this we're also eating food that actually fuels us, not just a box of cheeses. So we want to make sure that we're being proactive with this. The other thing is, we want to make sure that when we are in the stress system that I'm talking about, that we are reacting and we can choose when we're reactive. It's much, much harder, but we can choose to be reactive in the way that I just described those things where the ice, the ice, the breath, don't talk, or we can be reactive in the way that we just lash out. I don't want you guys to do that. So if you can really be intentional in the fact that, okay, I can identify that I am in the stress response because I feel it in my body, or I feel my desire to want to walk away from this situation or. Or I have no idea what this person just said in front of me because literally I froze and my brain went to lunch. Those are all moments and signals that your body has just gone into a stress response. When, when your body tells you this, this is where I want you to be very intentional about the fact that you're going to be reactive. You're going to ice, you're going to ice, you're going to breathe, you're going to stop talking, you can go outside, you can go for a walk, but do something, because if you don't do something, you're going to sit in that stress response because remember, momentum, momentum, anything in motion stays in. So we want to be able to get you out of the stress response as soon as possible, because again, if you're not, you're going to be exhausted. And we all know where exhaustion takes you. So we want to be proactive, we want to be appropriately reactive, and we want to be able to reach our calm down. And so once we realize, hey, our stress response has been activated and now I'm reacting in a way that feels good. We really do want to calm down. And so, you know, you may want to leave the room, you may want to call a friend, you may want to go for a walk, but you really want to be able to develop awareness around when your stress system has been activated, what to do when it's been activated, and then also how to help it kind of calm back down. Because once it's calmed back down, we really are in a present state and we can activate the good parts of our brain. So that's my quick little lesson on here. I do want to encourage you guys to join our membership. If you haven't joined the membership, if you join this week, then you are going to get three additional bonuses. Amber and Campbell told me what they were at lunch. I know Amber Campbell mentioned them, but I believe that you're going to get more. You're going to get the spouses, the parents, and then a deep dive into the. The psychotherapy and the biology of addiction. So that will come if you. If you join for this week. So what I want to do is kind of jump over here and see if we have any questions. Okay. We have a couple people that couldn't join. I appreciate you letting me know that. See, not talking has really helped me personally. Yeah. Conversations are him talking and me trying to participate to get the point. It's impossible. So not talking and just letting him talk. That's a really good point. DJ Travels just said on there, because what. That when I read that situation, what I hear on that is that is a prime example of when somebody would probably fawn because it would be. I'm sorry, I don't quite understand what you're saying or you're. You're saying, you know, so we. We use really soft language. This we might even try to probe. But what we're trying to do in that situation, and. And I know I'm taking it kind of through my own interpretation of that, but in that situation, if we look at it through a fawning lens, it is going to be to try to diffuse the person's emotions, to try to diffuse the situation, which, again, the whole point of this is to say that these deactivating strategies might work in the moment, but biologically, what it does is it takes your energy so fast, it. And so if you're constantly living in dynamics like this or conversations like this, you're going to find yourself exhausted by lunchtime or sooner. Let's see, what does ICE mean? I saw that real quick. Literally ice. Ice from the freezer. I mean, get. Get ice, get something cold, get an ice pack, get a cold washcloth. But if we put it here and we put it here, it actually regulates the body. So it's kind of like a jumpstart. Like if you're going to, you know, jump start your body into some form of regulation, that's not going to completely do the trick. If you're still in the moment and you put ice on your body and you're still in the moment, you're still going to be in that stress system. So we may want to do some cognitive thinking in that moment, as in saying certain things. How is this moment different than another scary moment when you know and breathing at the same time as you're doing some of these things? But the point of this and what I want to teach you guys today is one, recognize that your stress system is real. Two, you can train yourself to identify when you've become stressed and you're engaging the stress system. Three, if you live there, you're going to be exhausted. Okay, let's see. This was the ice one. Sorry, I forgot to show it. Let's see. Learning to detach. Let's look at this one. Learning to detach has helped my emotional exhaustion. Very good. Because my guess is what's happening there, Olivia, is when you've learned to detach, you, you don't feel the need to fawn, you don't feel the need to protect yourself, you don't feel the need to engage. Therefore, you're not actually engaging with whatever it is that your body thinks is scary. So you're right. That has definitely helped with the exhaustion because it doesn't trigger the stress system that I'm talking about. Let's see. Not talking has really helped me personally. Conversations are him saying, and this is what I was saying before. Sorry, guys, I forgot to. To pop it up when I was responding to it. I'm talking about the fawning. So definitely. Let's see. I feel this, especially with the holidays around the corner, won't be able to watch the live, but we'll check it out later. Okay. So hopefully this will help the people that can't watch it. You know, just being able to move into the holidays because the holidays are really stressful just in general, let alone for people that are struggling with any kind of addiction. So thanks for popping on here with me today. If you guys have any questions real quick, I'll stay on and see if you guys have any. And let's see what we've got here. Hi, Kim. What if you've become used to high stress environments? Almost. Yeah. Subconsciously seek out relationships, work environments, activities, how to overcome this. That's another point. Because a lot of times what people will do is they will use stress kind of as a shot of caffeine. And so it does stimulate the brain, it stimulates the body. Because if we look at the stress response, it really kind of peaks up. Our adrenaline will peak up, and that's a stimulant in our brain. And so, side note, a lot of people that have ADHD will use rage or stress to stimulate their brain because again, they're looking for the adrenaline, they're looking for the cortisol. That does shoot our energy level up for a minute. But then the comedown is exhaustion. So what we do on that is we become really aware of it and we recognize that we can't live to a level 10 if we're constantly seeking out level 10. And by 10, I'm going to scale it from 1 to 10. That if we're. If we're always seeking out the chaos or we're constantly seeking out the chaos, that we probably have some work to do to be able to get used to living on a lower stress level. But awareness, I would say, is the first step to that. I want to scream, I can't stand this. We live as roommates. Instead, we hug and I say good morning. I'm so tired of pretending. How can I say I'm tired and need counseling? I would say it's okay just to say it. Just to say, you know, I would say it nicely, but to be able to say, hey, this is really hard for me. It feels like we're living in a relationship or maybe some stuff isn't being said. How do you feel about going to counseling with me? So I think being able to be direct and compassionate and kind and just saying it. Let's see, if my husband wants to leave and I know that he's going to use. I shouldn't try to talk him out. Talk him, talk to him about it. That's exhausting. But at the same time, I feel guilty if I don't say nothing at all. Good point. So I would say on that one. And Marie, I'm not sure if there was another one that you had put. Because it said example. Let me just scroll through this and make sure I didn't miss something else. I did not. Okay. So in that one, going back into saying okay, if my husband wants to leave and I know that he's going to use I shouldn't try to talk about. But yeah, you shouldn't. What you can say instead is you can say, hey, it seems to me rather this is true or not, that you're going to leave and that you're going to use it. Makes me sad that that's what's going to happen. But, you know, if that's what's about to happen, I hope you make a different decision. You know, you can just say it. But don't be mean, don't be rude, don't be condescending, don't beg. Just kind of. I like to use the verbiage, call a spade a spade. You know, we get. We get further faster when we're all talking about the same object. Let's see. Susan, this lifestyle is exhausting. Yes, it is. I try to keep my mouth shut, but when I get worn down, I lose it. Find myself screaming and saying things I regret. Thankful he can't remember in those situations. That's a really good example, Susan. One, I'm sorry that this is what's happening. And you are so right when you say it's exhausting. But that's a really good example of why it's so important to recognize our stress systems. There's a lot of talk about fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, but I don't think there's a lot of talk about the awareness of being able to recognize when we get in it. Because when we get in it, what happens? Is it just like you're saying here, Susan, is you keep your mouth shut, which is probably a freeze response or, you know, or a flight response. I don't know. It's probably intentional, though, at the same time, because it is a deactivating strategy. It's better not to speak than to engage. But this can engage. This engages. I shouldn't say it can. It does. It engages your stress system. So once we're in our stress system, where we're avoiding, we're not fighting, we're intentionally fawning. We're trying to make ourselves smaller. We're trying to diffuse the situation by trying to manage the emotions. That stress system is activated. We're already in the stress vehicle. So when that. When that modality doesn't work, guess what? Our brain flips to another one, which is why you scream. Because this freezing that you're. That you're doing in this moment, then what happens is you jump over the fight, and then you scream, and then you know. And even if he doesn't remember, you know, and you're exhausted, and then you regret it or you say things or, you know, it can kind of even turn us into like a self righteous version of ourselves, which is generally not pretty. And so I do think that this is a really good example of moving from one stress system to the other system. And again, the whole point of today is just to be able to help you guys develop the awareness for how important it is to recognize that when you're in the stress system, why you want to be able to get out of that stress system as much as possible or as quickly as possible as well. So. Okay, so thank you for being here with me today. I hope I answered all of your guys's questions and I hope you have the opportunity to check out our membership so that you guys can see, you know, the extra stuff that you'll get if you join this week. And Campbell and I will be doing lives on there. We'll be popping on in the membership and so that we can have an open forum to be able to have conversations that hopefully will help you guys be able to connect with one another and really be able to figure out how to get some support and how to get some, some good ideas as you go through this. So I hope you all have a wonderful day and I will see you on Friday.