Finding Your Addicted Loved Ones Hidden Stash

What do you do when you find your addicted loved one's secret stash of drugs, alcohol, paraphernalia, whatever it is, either all over the house or in their car, in their clothes? This is a dilemma that so many of you have run into, and it's hard to know exactly what to do in these types of situations. But that's what we're going to discuss in this video. Now, we got this question from one of our viewers earlier this week, and my first thought was when I, when I read the question, my first thought was, well, it depends, but I know how it is when you really want a clear answer to a problem you're having. Getting an answer like it depends or well, maybe this, maybe that. It can be so frustrating. And it's my goal on here to bring you guys some like, useful pieces of advice and information about what to do and not do. So while the answer is definitely still it depends, I'm going to try to walk you through in this video some factors on which it depends on and then talk about sort of different kinds of scenarios because there's not a black and white answer to this, but there are some, there's maybe like a formula or some ways you can come up with the right answer for your specific situation. Now, as we're going through these, I would love to hear from you guys what you've done in the past. Have you done anything that's been really helpful and effective? Have you done things that have been a mess and not worked out well? If you are in recovery and you're doing better, then you've probably been through this. But you've been on the other side of it with your family. And I would for sure love to hear from you about what it's like on that other side. What advice would you have for, for a family member who's finding the secret hidden stash of their addicted loved ones, whether that's drugs, alcohol, whatever it is, what was it like on your side and what would you advise families to do? Okay, so here we go. Let's talk about what the it depends on factors really should be. Well, first and foremost, I think it depends on are we talking about is this your spouse or your kid? Now, if it's your kid and they're like really young, then I think that you definitely have to confront them with whatever you found because the big answer, the big question here is really is like, do I confront them? Do I throw it away? Do I, like, leave it out on the kitchen table so they, so they can see that I know that it's there and it kind of puts it out that way. It's like, how do I confront them or do I confront them? If it's a young kid, like let's say six for sure, if it's like a 16, 15 or 14 year old, I think you definitely have to sort of bring all that above board and confront it. Now when I say confront it, I don't mean that you have to do it in an aggressive kind of way. Because no matter what the situation is, if you come at someone aggressively or really angrily, you're only going to get that back. Well, maybe I'm wrong. They might not act that way back. Most times they will. But if they don't act aggressive towards you back, they're probably going to act passive aggressively towards you later. Either which way they're not going to respond well to the situation because they're going to feel immediately defensive. And even though you may think it's fair, which I agree, it is fair, do they have it coming? Yes, they agree have it coming. It's not about what's fair or not fair. Those of you that know me, y' all know I'm not about that. I'm about what works and what doesn't work. So if it's a young person, a 14, 15, 16, maybe 17 year old, you probably do need to confront that. Now the first thing that you're going to get told when you do that, whatever it is that you found, you're going to get told that that's old or that that's their friends or something like that. The old hall, you know, like the standby excuse of I'm holding that for a friend. I'm like, whatever. The way I generally address that is, I'll say, listen, if it's in your possession, then I'm gonna consider that it's yours. And so if you've got old stuff in this house or anywhere around, you need to get rid of it. Because if I if do find it, then I'm going to consider it current. Because most of the time with families, when the loved one says it's old, usually you know it's not old because you already been sneaking and snooping and you already looked place last week, you knew it wasn't there then. But I will say this, I definitely advise against doing a super ton of of snooping and spying and sneaking and trying to find it. It's only going to make you crazy. Number one, that's a good reason not to do it. Number two, if you find it Then you get into this predicament of what are you going to do with it? Because then you're going to have to admit you were sneaking and snooping to find it. And that's going to cause a whole separate kind of an argument. Or, you know, sometimes families do this. They'll sneak snoop, they'll find the stuff and then they'll like call me their loved one's counselor or whatever. Or, you know, maybe it's not me, maybe it's a different counselor. But, but they say, but you can't tell them that I told you or that I found it. And then we have a piece of useless information that we can't use. So, so I advise not to try and go to look for it. The other thing you got to think of with that is when it comes to addiction, you don't have to search it out, you don't have to be a full out investigator. It will show itself. That is the nature of addiction. I'm not saying you'll catch every single thing that happens. What I'm saying is the nature of addiction is unmanageability. Meaning the person can't keep their self together enough, long enough to be sneaky consistently enough to really get by with it. So you don't have to search. And a lot of that goes to your own fears as a family member. It goes to that feeling of being told that you're crazy or that it wasn't there. And a lot of the reason why you're searching is because you're trying to prove that what you know is right is right. But then you still just get locked into that power struggle with the person. If you know it, you know it. That's all you need. You know it. You don't have to get this evidence and lock in this power struggle with your loved one about it. It really won't do you much good at all. So another thing I think that it really depends on, especially if like, let's say it's a spouse or a parent or a sibling or an adult, then I would say, is there drug, alcohol use, whatever it is, is it like pretty much out in the open? Meaning like, you know your loved one is actively drinking. Because maybe it's like, well, yeah, I know that they drink, they know that I know that they drink, but they're still hiding it and they're drinking more behind my back. If that's the case, like you're finding like. Because a pretty common scenario would be like you found like little mini bottles hidden everywhere or little mini bottles in the trash or like somewhere else where it. Like the. The empties are there to be thrown away or something. If. If it's already known. But you. But you're. But you're angry because they're sneaking, then you can do one of two things. You can either just leave it and let it be, because maybe you're. Maybe you're working the invisible intervention program and you're working with my team and you're just letting them, you know, you're kind of backing up, letting them figure out that's a whole different plan. Or you could. Or you could confront them with it and say, hey, look, I found this. I really want you to know, like, you don't have to sneak. Like, I already know this is happening, and I don't want this to be one of those things where we're keeping secrets from each other. So I'd really like it. I know you're gonna do it if you do it above board. Because a lot of times it's that sneaking and lying that really hits your button the hardest. That is like the most frustrating thing. And so if you can get your loved one to just do it above board, because it's already known, you know, you already know that they're drinking, you already know that they're smoking pot, you already know that they're doing whatever it is that the substance is, then make it come above board. The key to any of these conversations, if you are going to have a conversation, is not to go in the conversation angry or defensive because they're probably, no matter how calm you go at it, going to be somewhat defensive. And if you'll just hold your cool, like, if you say, hey, I found this, they're probably going to be like, you know, at first, but if you just stay steady, they'll probably, in most situations, they'll bring it back down on your level. And you guys can have like a. A calm, rational discussion about it. If it's a situation where it's like the person has told you, like, that they're not doing whatever it is anymore, or that, you know, they went treatment their back and they're supposed to be being completely clean and sober and then you find the evidence, that's a slightly different kind of a situation. Because now it's like, okay, it's not like, okay, I know you're drinking, but now you're drinking more. It's like, okay, you said you weren't doing this at all, and now I know you're doing it. I think you really need, in that Other circumstances. I want you to stop and think about your loved one's personality. I know I'm giving you a lot of factors here, but I'm trying to kind of give you some practical solutions to a really complex question. I want you to really think about their personality are here. If you know that your loved one is just going to, no matter what, they're just going to be aggressive and fight and power struggle with you, then that's going to make you know, that's going to come into this little equation of figuring out whether or not you want to confront them and how you want to confront them with it. If your loved one is likely to. To not be super aggressive and crazy angry and defensive about it, then you may. It may be easier for you to bring it up and say, hey, I found this. Like, obviously, you know, you're having a relapse. They're probably going to deny it at first. Okay, so let me say this. I just saw this, and I definitely want to say this. The first response you're going to get if you choose to confront your loved one about it is probably going to be a lie. So just go ahead and expect it. Don't even get mad about it. Don't even ask the question. Don't say, is this yours? Don't say, have you been doing this? Just say, hey, just wants to know. I found this. Like, let's talk about it. You do it calm, if at all possible, and expect that they're going to be like, no, that's not. It's almost like a reflex. I'm not making an excuse for them. I'm not saying it's okay for them to lie to you. I'm just telling you they're gonna do it. So if they do that, you can say, yeah, it's not working on me. Like, if. If someone does that to me in session, sometimes I'm like, you got to try harder because you're not convincing me. You know, I might say it kind of funny. Depends on the. The situation, the person. But. But do it in a calm manner. And you can say, listen, I. This is not a fight, you know, this is not a power struggle. I just want to talk about it or whatever and that hopefully you can have that conversation. And I really like calm, cool, collected way. Another thing that you can think about if you're kind of in a situation where your loved one is supposed to be, supposedly they're telling you they're clean and sober or they're in recovery or they're working some kind of program or whatever it is, then have the conversation with them preemptively. Like before you ever find yourself in a situation where you're finding some kind of evidence, say what do you want me to do if I were to come across something? This is just totally hypothetical, I just want to know what you would want me to do and get them to tell you what they want you to do. Because they'll probably say, well, I want you to, you know, if they're in their good mind and they're like in recovery and stuff, they'll say, well, I want you to call me out or whatever. Then if you find it and you end up having to call them out, you've literally followed their plan. And so it's really going to be hard for them to say you're being mean and unfair and aggressive when you're literally doing what they told you to do. So when someone's in those early stages of being clean and sober and recovery, I like to find out from them, even as their counselor, I'll say if I think you're having relapse warning signs, how should I address that with you if I know you've used how should I address that with you if I find out a piece of information? Because you're literally finding out from that person when they're in a really good state of mind, they know themselves, they know how they're going to react and they can tell you what's going to be best and most effective on them. Plus it really just comes across so much better because you're really aligning with them. This isn't a I'm trying to catch you, this is a, I'm trying to be on your team here. We're both fighting addiction. This is not me against you, this is us against addiction. And I think when you frame it the right way, you have a lot better chance of it coming across. Now, with some personalities, no matter how nice you try to be about it, no matter how non power struggle you try to be, they're going to be defensive. And if they get defensive and you're trying to have a reasonable, rational kind of conversation with them, then you probably want to move into using those like reflective listening skills. Those are really the skills that it takes to de escalate a situation. If you feel it getting heated, another thing you can do is say, hey, like obviously, you know, we're both getting upset, let's come back, let's talk about this some more tomorrow, or whatever. I know it feels like an emergency situation, but you, you need to get some time and distance. And if they're getting hot headed about it, you need to let them get some time and distance so you can talk about it in a rational way. You're gonna want to, if you find it, you're gonna want to immediately. Like even if they're not home, like call them up, say what the hell, you know, I found this or whatever and start throwing a fit. That's a bad plan. So when you find something, hopefully you won't, but when you do, I want you to sit on it for a minute. I just want you to think about it. Like, unless someone is like imminently about to be in danger, you don't have to confront it right that second. And it is best to give yourself some time and energy to really like think through the situation. So one thing that a lot of families do is they will throw out or get rid of it. If it's a kid and they're in your house and it's your kid, then I'm okay with that. I do think you need to tell them that. Don't just sort of passive aggressively throw it away and then wait till they go look for it because then you're just, you're both, you're gonna be sitting there just waiting for the argument to happen because you know it's coming as soon as they notice. So if you're gonna do that, just say, hey, just once, you know, I came across this and I threw it away. And that's my plan. If I come across anything in this house, I'm throw it away. Telling you right now, get your kid. If it's a grown up, like it's your spouse or something like that, then that might be a little different. Typically, I don't necessarily advise you to like pour out the alcohol or get rid of it or throw it away behind someone's back because that really just infuriates people. I know it's not fair, but I'm telling you, it just won't end well. And it won't end in anything kind of like productive or helpful. So it's your kid, you can do that. But tell them you're going to do it. Tell them ahead of time you're going to do it. Don't even wait till you find something. Just say, hey, just want you to know, if I find anything in the house, I'm going to get rid of it. Just, just so you know right now, tell them ahead of time, that's what you're going to do. If it's an adult, I Don't know that I would necessarily do that. Now. It gets complicated. If it's like, let's say it's your spouse and it's an adult and they have dangerous things in your house, illegal things in your house or something, let's say if there are other small kids or something like that in the house and it's putting other people in jeopardy, or it could like wind up making you lose your kids over it or something, that might be a slightly different situation. And you might, you know, that's kind of like a safety issue. And if it's a safety issue, it is something that you have to address and you may have to put a very strong boundary there with it. Some of you guys may have heard me say this in the past, but a lot of people will say, like, if I, I know you're using drugs or whatever, but you better not use them in the house or better not find them in the house. If you're dealing with someone who's addicted to something, they're doing it in the house. It's all there is to it. Like, so if you set that expectation out the gate as a boundary, you're gonna, you better be ready to back it up because it's not a. I'm warning them and they, they better not do it. It's like they're going to be doing it. That's the nature of addiction. Like, when you're that far into it, they're, they have it in the house. And if they don't have it in the house and they're doing some kind of ridiculous, like, loophole, which they might as well, like they're doing it on the front porch or something like that, you know, like, so you're just going to set yourself up to have to like, back up a boundary that you might not be ready to, if that's the issue. So, as you can see, this is a very complicated question, but it's important to really think through all the different scenarios, the factors at play. You know, is this a grown up, is this a kid, is this my spouse in there or my children are in the house and it's unsafe? You know, what's their personality like? All this kind of stuff, you got to really factor in these equations. But most of all, take the time when you found it. Put a little time and space in between when you find it and when you confront it. That way you can really think through what you want to do about this. Now, I know you may be sitting here and you're, and you're Watching this and you're thinking, you know, well, my situation's got this. This other dynamic in it or this other complication, which I totally get, because telling you every situation is just very, very, very different. And if it's something that you really need some specific advice on, really, like, tailored to your situation, you can consider talking to one of our family recovery specialists and sort of laying it out and saying, this is my exact situation. You know, all the dynamics, all the people involved, all the, you know, how many times they've been to treatment, what's worked, what hasn't, all that stuff. And then let one of the family recovery specialists, like, walk through the situation with you to come up with what are your solutions for your specific situation. Whether it's about what to do when you find the secret stash or, you know, anything else around this whole addiction recovery issue. You know, should I stay or should I go? How do I get my loved one to go to treatment? All of these are things that the family recovery specialists deal with on a very regular basis. If you are connected to what I'm talking to in this video or you have some experience with it, give this video a like. So Google will show it to more people. Now I'm going to go through here, and I'm going to see what you guys have to say. I bet y' all got some stories. Let's see here. Hello. Tell your story. Linda says she dumped out the bottom the bottles and left them somewhere. Obvious. It didn't help that I've seen that tactic a lot of times, and I have actually heard that go, okay, like dumping out the alcohol, but. Or I don't know if it was dumb and out of alcohol, but. But like leaving the stuff on the kitchen table or whatever. I've seen that work out okay. Because in the situation where it worked out okay, the person didn't start a fight. They didn't argue, they didn't yell or scream. They just put them there. So it's just kind of like, yeah, I know. And, you know, but that's where you really got to think about the personalities involved in the situation. What's the best thing to do? Let's see here. Meemaw says they get less sympathy if they are using. Yeah, it's really hard to be sympathetic when you got this addicted loved one who's made promises and who's, you know, told you it's not happening, and then you find it. It. That's why you need to take a minute before you confront it, because it's going to Be upsetting. No doubt about it. Mimo says mine always pretends it's all over. Yeah. Should you present that person with a solution when you confront them, or are we just bringing the problem into the light? Let. Let me know we know. No, I don't think you should ever present. Well, I guess it means what do you mean by present them with a solution? Do you mean, like, I think you should go to treatment or I think you should call your sponsor or something like that? If it's like the solution is in, like, I think you need to do this to deal with your recovery, whatever that this is. Like, I think you need to call Amber, you, counselor or whatever. I don't think you need to offer a solution ever. Until a person is either asking you for a solution or you can clearly see that they need or want some kind of solution other other than that. You're just going to make them angrier when you do that. If. If what you mean by give them a solution is you say something like, hey, can we just like, make this above board so you don't have to hide and I don't have to find it and we don't have to deal with this? That. That might be different. If it's like a interpersonal dynamics kind of solution, I'm okay with that. But if it's like a solution about what someone needs to do about getting clean sober, those I. I'm totally okay with giving people solutions, but you have to wait till the right moment. I like to think of them like they're ace cards in the deck and you only have so many of them and you need to wait and play them at the exact right time. Don't play them too soon, because then you're not going to have it when you need it. So. Good. Good question. Let's see. Sarah says my dad is an active drinker. He sneaks and lies. It's so hard because he's in such denial. And some of my family members too. My husband is also an alcoholic. I have found hidden Vika bottle. When I was looking for something else for the first time a couple of months ago, it was so hard. I told him calming that I found it, and he got very defensive. Yeah, I mean, you're pretty much calling someone out on something that they're doing that they know is wrong. And it's just most people are going to get defensive and you may just have to kind of like say it kindly, let them get defensive and then wait a little bit and then come back to it. And if they Just keep being ugly. Or if they try to start a fight. Some of you guys who've seen my series on manipulation, you know, starting a fight is a manipulation tactic sometimes to make you shut up or go away. Then you can actually call that out and say, look, I know you. You getting all angry because you don't want to talk about this, but that's not going to work here. You may want to make. I call that a process comment. Let's see here. My hubby says he didn't pay for his coke, so it didn't count for using laughing face emoji. Yeah, I'm right. I'm right there with you. Meanwhile, dragon. Yeah, it definitely counts because what I like to say about that, like when somebody says o was free, I didn't pay for it. It's never free. It doesn't come free. It's going to cost you somewhere along the line. It's going to cost you your marriage. It's going to cost you the amount it takes to go to rehab. It's going to cost you. It's never free. Going to cost you a doctor bill, whatever. I don't necessarily think you should say that to them because they're just going to say that sm. That's just me telling that to you. Family says I'm crazy. I do sneaks. Addicts have a nature and co addicts have a nature. I may pretend I'm not like they pretend that they are not. I am at the let's just be honest about it place. My fear for them makes me a crazy person and I'm working on it, but the situation is crazy. And I rip too. You know, Pamela's. Pamela is right about that. I like how you said that. Like, they have a nature and I have a nature. If you cannot do that, if you can control that, I. I always think it's better to do that. If for one thing, you controlling that craving and trigger is exactly what you're asking them to do. So it's kind of like a modeling behavior. If you can get yourself under control, you're at least modeling the right baby, if you can, which I totally understand why that's okay too, then at least tell them you're gonna do that. You know, if you're gonna be sneaking, just say just once, you know, I'm gonna be sneaking and looking behind you everything you do. So fair warning, you know, better not let me find it or whatever. Be. Be upfront and honest and open about it. And that sounds like that's what Pamela is doing. So I do feel like that is definitely a step in the right direction. If it's above board, we are moving in the right direction. Mr. Says, I got rid of one pill I found. I asked him if I had his permission. I was either going to give it back or take it to CVS and get rid of it. He told me, do what I wanted, so I took it to cvs. Okay, I like that. That's kind of interesting. It's like, hey, I found this. What do you want me to do with it? And that kind of puts the other person in an interesting situation. Because I like that. Kind of like, it forces them to say, no, that's mine. I want that back. Which they don't want to say, or they have to say, yeah, get rid of it. You know, it was old and I wasn't gonna use that anyway, so kind of like that kind of puts the ball back in their court. Mr. Said, dispose of it properly. Yeah, you can definitely take it to, like, a pharmacy or something. One of the things I learned, because over the years, I've had a lot of people, like, turn in their substances to me. Like, somebody be like, amber, I got this in my car. I'm gonna go use it. I just need to give it to you. I've had that a lot. I've also had a lot of, like, family members bring in the secret stash that they found into my office. And then I'm sitting there with, like, illegal drugs up in my office. I'm like, what am I gonna do this? So had to do a little research. And one thing I found out is if you have some of, like, drug or whatever, if you will put it in maybe like a jar or bowl or something with a lid and put used coffee grounds on it, it deactivates whatever the chemical is. And it's a safer way to get rid of it. If it's a needle or something there, you know, there's a whole different procedure, but used coffee grounds on top of it. I know just something I learned along the way. Thought it might help you. Terry Story says, I wonder if at that point, if it is a safety issue. You may have to get police unblocked. Maybe that's too far Tell your story might be responding to someone else. Because I'm not not 100 sure what you're saying there involved. Is there a point in thinking about where someone could hide the drugs? Isn't that a gateway to codepend? Right. It's like essentially what happens to the loved one is you get on a parallel process. They get obsessed about the substance and you get obsessed about chasing them and their substance use. So when you're doing that, when you're planning and scheming and trying to think, where do they have it and I'm going to find it, that is the exact same as when they're planning and scheming on how to get it and how to use it and how to get away with it. So you want to break that cycle for your own sanity. Plus your loved one has a better chance of breaking their own insanity cycle if you break yours too. So if at all possible, don't go down that dark rabbit hole. I've got a lot of videos on that. So. And you might need like every day, you might need to be reminded of that because it's a hard urge to resist. Let's see here. It looks like we are to the end of your guys's comments and questions. I appreciate you hanging out with me. I hope this was helpful for you. And I'm also going to put, I put a link in this video description about where you can go and watch my video on motivational enhancement, how to have conversations without conflict, how to talk to someone about a problem. Because I'm guessing if you're finding stuff like that, you probably need that skill. You can actually watch me do a live session if you go to that link. Thank you everybody who hung out with us and I will see you guys live next Thursday, one o' clock Eastern.