For Anyone Living With Someone Who Has An Addiction Problem

If you've got a loved one who lives in your house that's got a drug or alcohol problem, any kind of addiction issue or problem, this video is going to be super, super important for you. Because in this video, we're going to talk about how to actually hold them accountable. A lot of you know that I talk about boundaries all the time. And recently on one of those videos, I think I was talking about boundaries. I got the question, well, how do you hold them accountable? I think I mentioned something in the video about doing that, and sometimes people just ask me questions, and it's like, duh, why didn't I say that? And that's what this video is going to be all about for you today. I'm actually going to give you sort of like a plan A and a plan B, because I think it's always best to go with this one. If that doesn't work, then we're going to go with that one. So we're going to take a look at both of those plans as far as holding your loved one accountable. If you're watching this video live. Hey, welcome. Feel free to interact with me. Let me make sure I can see where your comments are. Comments, here we go. There we go. Hey, Weston. I want to be able to see your comments and interact with you. If you're not watching me live, then, or if you're watching me on the playback, make sure that you're subscribed to the channel and that you have. Hey, Sue. That you have the little bell notification clicked, because that's how you get notified of these lives. And sometimes I do them impromptu, like today, completely impromptu. So some of you know when I have videos that come out scheduled on Tuesdays and then there's a live on Thursday, But I try to, if possible, give you one sometime extra during the week, especially if I think there's a topic that's like, really, really pertinent or helpful or I've got a recent question about it. Hey, Melissa. So let's get back to our topic of how to hold someone accountable. Okay, let's go with plan A first, obviously, before I tell you this, because you're. As soon as I tell it. So you can be like, what? That doesn't sound right. Hey, Erica, let me explain. In all the addiction research, and if you think about it in your own personal experience, I'm sure. Hey, Flapjack. Then all the addiction research says the same thing I'm sure you experienced in your life, which is consequences don't really fix addiction. Punishment isn't going to make it better. And so a lot of times when you think about accountability, you automatically think about. You may not think this word in your head, punishment, but you think about punishment basically. How are you going to, like, make them pay for what they did? Because that's not okay. And so, hey, Erica. I don't know if I said hey to Erica. Happy late 4th to you. But research says it doesn't work. And I'm guessing that you've tried that yourself a time or two or like a thousand times or two, and it hasn't worked. So we already know that that's not going to work. So the way that you hold some accountable plan A, Hey, Brian. Is going to be to positively reinforce steps in the right direction. I know you weren't expecting me to say that because you're expecting me to say, like, hey, put your foot down. Don't let them do that. We're gonna get that in a second. That's plan B. Because positive reinforcement is going to work a thousand times better than any kind of punishment or consequences or negative reinforcement and all that kind of stuff. In fact, there's this whole, like, therapy protocol that's been studied as a therapist therapy, like, method, like, like you would think of, like, cognitive behavioral therapy or psychoanalytic therapy or whatever. And the whole thing is not even, like, a therapy technique. It's the idea of giving rewards for making progress in addiction recovery. So, like, hey, Whitney. So, like, for example, the whole therapy is like, let's say you run this group and you say, okay, if you get, you know, 10 days sober, we're going to be $25, you know, gift card to the movies, or you're going to get this or going to get that. And you may think that's ridiculous. That sounds so juvenile. It's almost like when you're in a kid in school and you get, like, little stickers on the board. It doesn't even have to be anything worth a tremendous, crazy amount of money. But they've proven that that therapy model works exceptionally well because it's not just the prize itself. And I'm not telling you have to give someone a prize. It's really more the recognition and the validation that is creating the positive move. And it's silly because you can put a bunch of people in group and they'll be, like, so excited because they got this, you know, $10 Starbucks car or whatever for getting 30 days clean. And I know that seems silly, but I promise you, it works. How many of you watching have had some experience? Let me know, have you tried any positive reinforcement? Does it work? And of course, you guys know when I talk to you, most of you know at least that it's got to be genuine. It can't be over the top or too much or overly extra because that just doesn't come across as sincere. So it's gotta be genuine and it's gotta be pretty quick after, you know. And that can be in the form of noticing statements or, you know, I appreciated when statements, all of those things are gonna get you there a thousand times faster. And if you want some sort of like, step by step on how to do that, or maybe some more specific examples, you can learn that through the craft meth you can get. There's a book on that method that I like. I recommend a lot called Beyond Addiction. And when I get off here, I'll try to put in the description for you. We also teach that in our family Recovery Academy, and I have some videos about the craft method. So there's some different ways you can maybe look at how do you do that? Positive reinforcement? That is plan A. And I want you to do that and keep doing that until you have to get to plan B. Because when you have to get to plan B, this is not nearly as effective for the person that has a drug or alcohol problem, necessarily, but it is effective for you. And we'll get to what that is in just a second. I like to tell the families that come in our office, I'll say you can be positive, neutral. You can't try really hard not to be negative. Now, of course, everyone's human and everyone loses occasionally. And I totally get it. And most of the families I see, I'm like, wow, dude, I would have lost it way before you lost it. So I get it. So even if you do that, you know, if you're trying to get back on track, go back to being positive and negative. Flapjack scared, too. Seems like something positive said such a, wow, you're really doing great, or I'm so proud how hard you're working. Immediate relapses. Maybe you want to think about Flipjack just giving some, like, positive reinforcement. It doesn't have to be like, because you got 30 days sober, it can be like, wow, I really enjoyed, like, hanging out with you the other day and watching Netflix because they were sober during that time. So you don't even have to directly mention being clean and sober. But you're reinforcing behavior changes that you like that are kind of connected to moving in the right direction. You know, you can Say, gosh, I think it was awesome. You came home, like five days. You were home early last week, and we got to eat dinner together, and I loved it. You know, maybe that's your husband, and he usually goes to the bar after work, but he got home those days. And so you want to validate that sometimes if you mention too directly, maybe this is what happens to Flapjack, the sobriety or sobriety days that can trigger someone. I know it's kind of weird, but it does. So maybe you just want to take notice of those little small behaviors in the right direction. Maybe they're just talking to you nicer. Hey, notice it. Any little seed of behavior that you want to happen again and again, you got to put water on it. And you do that by validating it or giving it some positive reinforcement. Now let's move over here to the plan B. The plan B of holding someone accountable is this. You need to come up with what your I call them, like, deal breakers are. So I get that you guys watch this video, and everyone's trying to help their loved one get on track, and that's what I want you to do, and that's plan A. But there are some lines that you should not be letting them cross. There is a time when you step back from the positive reinforcement, you know, and usually those are things like if they're putting you in physical danger, if they're stealing from you all the time, if they're being crazy, emotionally abusive, and stuff like that. Those are some deal breakers that come immediately to my mind. Erica says she has a hard time giving feedback because the person doesn't believe it. Does anyone else have that experience? I'm trying to think about when I've done that in session. Someone hasn't believed it. Sometimes I have that when I give someone feedback and they think that I don't know their whole story, and if I really knew them, then I wouldn't say those things. And so if that happens, I kind of go back and this is complicated method. I talk about another video, but basically make sure that they know that I know, and I still think that positive thing about them. So they. They get that I'm really do believe that. So anyways, about that old, ugly plan B. Plan B method is, what are your deal breakers? And if you're the family member watching this video, here's what I want you to do. I want you to kind of get some pen and paper out and make a list of the behaviors that are happening that you are just frustrated with, that you're Just not okay with. And that just downright cannot happen. And so they can be minor little annoyances, bigger frustrations, and absolutely, that's a no go way down here, this list. So if you'll make a list of those behaviors, don't make it that that person drink alcohol. Make it more like, you know, I love it when you are able to make it home for dinner and eat with. With the kids. Because usually if they make it home for dinner, that means they didn't stop at the bar or something like that. Make it the behavior that you're reinforcing and not necessarily the substance use, because that's what bothers you. A lot of times when I get clients and they say, my wife's, you know, my parents sent me, I'll say, well, what is it that you do that makes them mad? Because it's more than just you drink. Because most spouses don't really care if you have a couple beers. So what happens? Are you. When you drink, do you, like, pass out and just go to sleep? Are you just totally distracted and you're just not there? You're not present? It's those behaviors that really frustrate you. So make a list of what those behaviors are and then try to kind of put them in order of where they're at on the sort of frustration level. I guess you could say take a couple of those behaviors that you think you want to work on most immediately. Not everything, one or two that maybe you want to address first and pick those to find ways to positively reinforce. And then on that other end of the behavior list of down here and to downright not acceptable. I want you to either, like, draw a line if you've got them sort of in order and say anything below this line cannot go down or mark them somehow. And then I want you to make a little contract with yourself. Some of y' all know I hate home contracts. I still hate home contracts. You don't make a contract for the other person, but you can make a deal with yourself and hold your own self accountable for not putting up with certain behaviors. And for every one that's different. If you have small children in the house and someone else in the house could be an older sibling or a spouse, if their substance use is putting the younger kids at risk, that may be the deal breaker for you. If it's, you know, driving with the family intoxicated, whatever those deal breakers are, you need to decide what those are and what your boundary around them is going to be and to know more about how to set those boundaries. There's a video called, like, Boundaries versus Ultimatums. I think that's the one that you guys should watch. I'll try to link it up here for you at the end. So do you see what I'm saying? A few behaviors at a time, you'll positively reinforce. Like I said, you can learn about that in the craft method or in our Family Recovery Academy. I teach the craft method. But you also want to kind of have. Where's the line of saying the deal breakers? Now, I need you to understand that when you get down there to the deal breakers, that does not necessarily make your loved one change, but those are the lines in the sand that you have to have for your own sanity, protection of other people in the house. You've got to have some lines that you will not cross.