From Love to Resentment: The Emotional Struggles of Loving an Addict

For those of you out there who have a tendency to over-function, as in take care of other people's responsibilities, as in do way more than your fair share of things, this video is definitely for you. You probably have had these tendencies since you were young, but even if you've never had these tendencies before, if you end up in a relationship with someone who has an addiction or maybe a child with an addiction or a parent with an addiction, you're probably going to fall into these tendencies, even if that's not your natural state. Because what happens is, is normally in family systems, everybody plays a role. Now, it's not so much that everybody has to do the exact same things or equal, but everybody has functions and that's what makes the system work. Well, when someone develops an addiction or some other kind of major problem, mental health or even a physical problem, they either lose the ability or they just start to sort of slowly neglect handling their business. That's what I call it. That's what I tell my son. I call it handling your business, taking care of their responsibilities. And so naturally as a system, there's got to be some compensation in that system to make the whole family system work. So what happens is, is somebody is going to step in and do more than their regular share. They're going to take on the responsibilities, the chores, all the things that someone else is normally supposed to do. And the further that someone declines into addiction, the more and more and more you'll take on. Now, I know a lot of people will look at you and they'll say, oh, you're codependent, or you're an enabler. But you're really just surviving because a lot of times it's not just a matter of, I don't want to let this one person suffer because that thing's not done. I mean, that's part of it, but it's also like it's the whole family system involved and you have this guilt feeling that if you don't do it, everybody's going to suffer and that's unfair. And so you jump in and that could be taking care of financial responsibilities. It could be doing more of the housework. It could be Doing more of the childcare, doing more of the driving around, all of the things. It's like you start stepping in more and more and more, and it works for a while. But the problem is, is that after this goes on for a period of time, you end up with a lot of resentments. And there's something worse. You ready for the thing that's worse? The person whose responsibilities you're taking care of, end up with a lot of resentments towards you. What the heck, right? It's like, how are you mad at me when I'm doing your work and I'm taking care of your business, right? But that's exactly what happens. And so not only are you resentful because you're doing more than what you should be doing and you feel like this other person is slacking off in some kind of way, but to add insult to injury, now They say that you're the villain. It's like the worst thing ever. So I want to take a look in this video a little more closely at that dynamic so we can figure out not just why that happens, but maybe how to sort of slowly begin to sort of backpedal our way out of that role, because it's not easy to get out of it once you're in it. And people are not going to like it when you change the rules of the game. Now, there are some ways that you can do it that'll probably go over a little better, but you got to expect that all of a sudden, if you've been doing everything and you decide to stop doing everything, you're going to get some blowback on that. So you got to go ahead and prepare yourself for that. When you're in this over-functioning position in your family, not only do you feel resentful, but you feel burned out, you feel exhausted, you feel overwhelmed. But you've got to layer in on the top of that these emotions that are really driving that, which is guilt. Possibly it's guilt because you don't want other people to suffer. And then you feel guilty if you don't do it and you feel guilty if you do do it, because then you're like, well, now I'm an enabler. And it's like this no-win battle. It's super frustrating. And I know because I'm pretty dang good at the over-functioning thing. I've been doing it since forever. So it's really, it's almost, it's my natural wired-in instinct that I have to actively, mindfully go against doing. It's not my natural instinct to not do that. Like, I just immediately do that. And I grew up in a family where there was a lot of problems and a lot of crises and a lot of drama. So for me, even as a child growing up, it's like, you need— I've kind of took on the role of the family hero to some degree, the responsible one, the one that went to work, the one that was focused, the one that's Stayed out of trouble for the most part, all that kind of stuff. And so this is like a natural thing for me. Some of you have been doing it just like me since forever, and some of you have picked this up because of something that's happened in your family system. And the first thing I want to do is I want you to like at least let yourself get rid of that one layer of guilt because this is what happens in every single family system. If you stop doing it, I promise you someone else will step in and do it, and then you're going to be even madder because you're like, I finally set a boundary, I quit doing it, and now the grandparents are doing it. Stepped in to do it. Now their dad's doing it. Now their sister's doing it. And you get so mad because you're finally— it probably took you years to get that point where you're like, okay, I'm going to back out of this. I'm going to let some natural consequences occur. And then someone else jumps in and starts fixing everything. It's the worst. It's super maddening. So you got this guilt, you got the double layer of guilt, right? The guilt if you do, the guilt if you don't. And then you also have this constant worry and anxiety about what's going to happen if you don't. Like if you're paying someone else's bills, like maybe it's your kids' bills or something like that, your adult child's bills. And you think, well, then they're going to be homeless. And then I'm going to have to be faced with, do I let them live here or do I kick them out? And can I tolerate them be on the street? And that's where this guilt, anxiety, doubled up layer, knot of a mess really just starts to take over. And then you get to where you're constantly reacting from a fear-based place of, what if I don't? And then again, you have a fear of, what if I do? What if I'm harming them? What if I'm making them worse? What if I'm keeping them sick? Because you probably have a lot of people out there telling you that, that you're harming them, that you're keeping them sick and all these things. So you're just stuck in this miserable place and it's a very isolated place to be because you really do get trapped in a no-win situation. And like I mentioned a little bit ago, the worst part about it, as if all that's not bad enough, the worst part about it is that the person whose responsibilities you're taking or taking on vilifies you. They see you As the bad guy in the situation. And let's talk about why. There's several reasons. The first reason is because they know that they're under-functioning and they feel guilty about it and they feel shameful about it. And so some of their negative feelings towards you is a projection onto you because being around you, seeing your face, hearing your name even is going to bring up those shameful, guilty feelings that they don't want to feel. So instead of feeling those feelings, they mask it with resentment, frustration, anger. They think about all your flaws. They sort of distract themselves from that. But there's another layer onto that. It's not just that. That's a big piece of it. But the other piece of it is because you've been doing this so long and you're no doubt building resentments. And even if you're following all of my videos, you're doing all the things, you're not saying any of the bad things I tell you not to say, you're saying all the right things. Your energy's still going to be telling it somehow. Like I was talking to one of our recovery coaching clients this week and I said, I said, your wife has told you, you don't have to hide the drinking, just drink in the house or whatever. He's like, I don't really think that's the case. I was like, no, really. Like we've talked to her or not, I've talked to her, but one of the counselors talked to her. It's the deal or whatever. And he's like, Yeah, I know she might be saying that, but let me tell you, she doesn't like it and she can— that energy's out. So even when you're trying to suppress it, it comes out somewhere. And that's the whole problem is the building of those resentments is going to make you act in a way that maybe is not yourself because it's going to be hard to be loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic towards someone that when you are for a long period of time taking over their responsibilities. We can all do it for short periods of time and we're happy to do that, right? When someone needs help, we're happy to do that. We feel good about that. It's called helping. That's how you know it's helping. You feel good about it. How you know it's not helping is because you don't feel good about it. You feel like you don't have a choice. It's like, you know you have a choice, but you don't have any good choice, right? It's be the bad guy one way or the other, feel guilty, feel anxiety one way or the other. And so you feel stuck, you feel forced to do it. Even though you know that your own psychological, it's your own head forcing you to do it. In actuality, you know you don't have to do it, but you feel stuck. And you really particularly feel stuck if like, let's say it's your spouse that's under-functioning and you have kids, like kids, young kids that live in the house, because then you feel like, I really can't just let these bills not be paid. I really can't just let these things not be taken care of. Even if you're to the point where you really want to maybe let some of those consequences happen, you've got kids involved here. And so you get in this over-functioning position because you have to make the family system work. And that energy is coming out, even if you're not wanting it to. It's coming out your pores. It's eking out. It's usually sliding out in little passive-aggressive statements here and there. And so they, the person whose responsibilities you're taking on, can feel your hostile energy towards them eventually. And so that's another reason why they see you as the villain. And in their mind, it's like, It's almost like, oh, there's Mrs. Goody Two-Shoes or Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, and they just do everything right. And they're so critical and they're just uptight. And they'll even be like, I don't even— they do all that because they want to. Like, doesn't even need to be done. They're just too worried about things. And so they find these ways of emotionally distancing themselves from their own frustrations about it and from your frustrations about it. And the longer this goes on, the bigger the divide God in the family system. We all have to step in for people every now and then and do things when someone's sick. If someone's working on a huge project at work and we need to step in and do more than we normally do for a while, that's all fine. We do that. That's the way a family system should work. But when it goes on for a real long time, your empathy, your compassion dries up and you're just left with nothing but feeling stuck. Feeling guilty, feeling angry, feeling resentful. It's nothing but a cocktail of really bad emotions and it's just driving a wedge between the whole family. And then the other people in the family, there's the over-functioner, there's the under-functioner, and there's everybody else. Everybody else feels that energy between the 2 people as well. And it It leaks out onto them and then you get other sort of family roles developing. I have a video or 2 where I talk more specifically about addicted family roles. If you want to look into seeing kind of how some of those other people fall into other roles and how it manifests itself, you can take a look at that. I'd like to know how many of you watching though identify with the whole over-functioning trait. And I'd love to know if you've been over-functioning, not just that you over-function, but have you always kind of been over-functional? Like you're just like chronically like that, like I am? Or did, was this a trait that really started to mostly take over once your family started to get into a bad cycle for whatever reason? I'd love to know, you know, have you always had it or is it, is it more of a situational kind of thing? For me, I've always had this, especially inside my home family situation. I'm just super used to taking care of things because I did that as a kid. I just took care of things. As a kid, you get a lot of validation for it. You're seen as mature, you're seen as responsible, you're seen as trustworthy, and you feel Kind of good about it. And so over time, that behavior gets validated over and over because, hey, everyone around you sees that as really great. And in some ways it is really great. I mean, you do have a maturity there. You do have a trustworthiness there, but it gets validated so much and positively reinforced for so long, then it becomes sort of hardwired into you. And that's what happens to a lot of people. And for some people, if you're, if you tend to be an over-functioner, functioner, is that a word? Yeah, I'm going to stick with that's a word. If you tend to be an over-functioner and you're not in an unhealthy family system, you could be doing it anyways. You could be triggering the family to be unhealthy. You could be sort of like intrusively crossing boundaries and not even know it because it's just such a part of your nature to just take care of things. And like I said, sometimes it's just in us from childhood, usually because somewhere in our family system something was off and the kid felt for whatever reasons the need to sort of step up beyond their years usually. Sometimes you see it in family systems where you have one parent who's addicted. You'll often see one or more of the kids have to step up into that super responsible role. Not just for like taking care of daily tasks like the chores and the cooking and the taking care of the little kids and stuff like that, but also like emotionally. Because what happens is you have the 2 parents and one of them's not functioning well. The other one that is functioning is probably over-functioning to some degree and they're exhausted and they're overwhelmed. And then whichever one of the kids is the most helpful, then there becomes this alliance between The non-addicted parent and the one kid. And it becomes unhealthy because this parent starts to rely on this kid like they're the other parent, like they're the other adult. And for a while, like I said, it feels good. It feels almost like, it just feels like, wow, they think I'm older. They trust me. Like they tell me the problems, they tell me the secrets. And then as a kid, you can get to the point where You feel like you need to know everything that's going on because now you're taking on the anxiety of the other parent or sometimes both parents. And then you start feeling the need to manage the emotions that are happening, not just the logistical responsibilities, but the emotional wellbeing. And you start, you don't even realize you're doing it, but you're doing this like tap dance, trying to keep everybody level, trying to keep the situation consistent and stable. And this just becomes a natural core part of who you are. And it's just a defense mechanism that gets built. And in a lot of ways it serves you very well, but there are some ways where it doesn't serve you well. And it's like any other superpower, you have to learn to control it, otherwise it's not doing you any good. So yes, it's a superpower to be responsible, to be competent, to be able to get a lot of stuff done, to be a hard worker. It's not all bad, but if you can't turn it on and turn it off at will, it doesn't do you any good. Like if you have the superpower strength, if you can't control the strength, then you're trying to help someone and you just crush them or something, right? Like, so you have to be able to manage this and not let it manage you. If you are listening to this and you feel like you are either on the other side of this as an underfunctioner, or you've at least been on the other side of this, it can be, it can be really frustrating when you're trying to come out of it because maybe you're trying to step back into your roles, your responsibilities. You're trying to step back into your adulthood and the over-functioner has been over-functioning so long and yeah, they're complaining about it, but it's like they won't let you do it. And they tell you you do it wrong. Right. And they don't trust you to do it. Um, and so they won't, they won't let you step back into your adult role or partnership role or whatever it is. And it keeps, it keeps the dynamic into the over-functioner, under-functioner category. And eventually what happens is the under-functioner just stops trying. And they just give up because when they do try, it's not right. It's not enough. It's not fast enough. It's not good enough. And so they feel like, well, screw it then. If you have been on this side of the equation, I'd love to hear it from you. Is that sound right? Does that describe you? Does it feel like, well, forget it then, right? I see this a lot in the spouses that I see in recovery coaching. Like let's say they're in early recovery and They're married and they have kids. Well, probably during the addiction, the other parent has taken on the majority of the parenting responsibilities because honestly, they just didn't trust you to do it. But now maybe you're trying to step back into your role as a mother or as a father, and it's real awkward. And you almost feel, you can almost feel like you don't have the The authority to do that. Not because you're not the parent, but because you feel like you haven't done it so long and you feel like if you do try to step in, either the child or the other parent is going to say something like, oh, now you want to be in the picture? Oh, now you want to make decisions? You want your opinion to weigh in? And that is what happens to a lot of people. They try to step in in that way and they get pushed back. It's really hard even in the healing process to figure out how to get back to here. And the families are usually so tired and so exhausted, the over-functioners are, that they want you to do it really fast. And they want you to just pick up all those balls and be able to juggle them all like super great and not drop any of them and go to meetings and go to your counseling appointments and take your medicine and do your meditations and work your steps and everything else. And it, and it can be overwhelming. And that's when we sort of, we end up dropping the balls and then that creates that distrust thing. See, I knew I couldn't trust you. I knew I couldn't count on you to do that. If you're in that position where you're trying to get back to a level in your family where you want to be seen as an adult and you want to be relied on and you don't want to be seen as the child or irresponsible, one of the things you can do is just bring it to the surface by talking about it. It's like most of the time this whole dynamic's going on, but no one actually talks about it. Like no one's saying the words over-functioning, under-functioning. No one's saying the words like the villain and the this and the that. But it's, the dynamic is there. It's just hazing around in there all the time. And so if you just bring it to the surface, if you say, hey, I know I haven't been keeping up with my end of the responsibilities and I probably am not going to get back to 50/50 for a while, but I want to do better. What's something I can do to get there? Right? And just you asking that question will go a million miles because it feels so Validating, right? And usually when you ask that question, and because what it does is it makes the over-functioner feel heard and understood, then they are much more able to hear and understand your perspective. And they'll go easier on you because they, they know that you get it. And more than anything, that's what people really want to know. They just want to know that you get it. On both sides, whether you're on the family member side or you're on the addict side, both sides just want to know that you get it. And I just said that I triggered myself because I was reading my comments earlier today before I got on this live stream. And there was a video I had about earning back trust. And you guys know I always do this. I always talk about this side and this side and how both sides have hurt feelings and all the things, right? And somebody left me a comment that was like, I hate how you do that. Like, that's not fair. Like, they're the ones that haven't been doing it. It was just this whole rant. And I was thinking to myself, I was like, ooh, that's somebody who's been over-functioning for a while. Right. And they were just so angry because I point out like what the family needs to change and what the addicted person needs to change. And you could just tell that this person who wrote this comment has just been ran over for so long that they're just angry. And they even said it. They're like, I am out of empathy. They broke the trust. They need to earn the trust. That's basically what they were saying. And I could just feel the frustration in there and I can absolutely see How easy it would be to get there, right? But the way out of it, you're going to have to come back to— if you want to be out of it, like if you just want to leave the relationship with the person, okay. But if you want to be just, you want the dynamic to fix, you're going to have to think more logically and more equally to let that person be able to come back up and be a teammate with you, be an adult, be your adult child or whatever it is. You have to be willing to Let that happen. And they won't do everything perfectly, and that's okay. And some of the things maybe don't need to be done perfectly because sometimes we're doing that over-functioning thing just because we're super uptight and we're kind of like controlling and we just want everything to be like super perfect when really it doesn't have to be that perfect. Last week in our boundaries video, we talked about understanding the difference between not listening and not agreeing. Because sometimes the under-functioner just doesn't agree that things need to be done an exact certain way or, you know, in a certain timeliness or whatever. And that's just a difference of opinion. That's just a difference of personality and style. And so it doesn't always mean that they're under-functioning. It doesn't even always mean that they're not listening. Sometimes just that they, they just disagree. I was talking to one of my Recovery coaching clients this week and he's doing really well. And he was telling me how one of the things that's working is because him and his wife are, they just try really hard to be aware of what each other's love language is. And because for so long, and they've been married a long time, they just, they have such opposite love languages, right? One of them, I think his is like quality time and physical touch and hers is like acts of service. Which is pretty, I mean, that's kind of a typical kind of lineup there. And he's like, I just do not get acts of service. Like, I understand the concept, but like, I don't get how like doing the dishes and the laundry like expresses love. Like, I really don't get it. And he was like saying, so I have to like tell myself that this is what my wife needs. And it was just funny. He's having this conversation. He's like, He said, so when I come home from working all day and I see the dishes, I'm thinking I'm going to do those dishes. I know that my wife needs that because that helps her feel loved. He's like, but dang, I just need to sit down for a minute. I've been working all day. I said, hold up. I said, let me tell you what your wife's thinking. And I said, here's what your wife's thinking. Your wife's thinking, you're thinking, man, I just need to sit down and relax for a minute. I just got home from work. I said, let me promise you what your wife's thinking. I don't even know the wife, never met her, but I can tell you what she's thinking. She's thinking, Well, I can't even sit down and relax when the dirty dishes are in the sink because all I can think about is that those dishes need to be done. And he was laughing or whatever. A lot of times with my coaching clients, I'll say, let me just tell you what the right answer is. You don't have to figure it out. You don't have to guess. Like literally write these words down, do this and say this. And they think it's funny. I'm like, I'm giving you the answers. There's no reason for you to fail this test. And so it was a fun conversation I was having with this client. He was like giggling. He's like, I really just Don't get that. It's like, you don't get how if someone makes you a nice meal, it's like the way they're showing you they love you. He's like, no, it's just because it has to be done. Like, I get it. Like, somebody's got to do it. I was like, he just really didn't get it all. Like, it did not resonate with him at all. And it was just kind of funny because he was pretty insightful about it. But things are working better for them and they're both trying super hard to be mindful and they have a much better relationship now than they ever had before. So it's that thing that I tell you guys, that when you come out of the other side of this, you're both going to grow so much that you're going to have a much better relationship than you ever would've before. Because on both sides, the emotional maturity has to really, really grow, and we have to become better communicators, and we have to become so much more aware of what our intentions are, right? And so a lot of people, when it comes to this over-functioning topic, they worry about enabling. And I'm like, yeah, okay, enabling is a thing, but that's not the thing that concerns me the most about it. Because a lot of, I see a lot of people every day that like get clean and sober and find recovery that they have plenty of money, that everything's taken care of for them. So it's not because they lost everything that they're getting sober. It's more because if you keep doing it, you're going to build resentments and resentments and resentments, and it's going to turn you into a person you don't want to be, and it's going to eke out of you, and it's just going to affect your whole outlook on everything. And that energy is just going to totally ruin other relationships and the fun and the joy that you could have. So the reason not to do it isn't like, oh, don't do it because you're enabling them. It's more like, don't do it because Look what it's going to do to you after so long. Or if you're going to do it, you have to really think, especially if you're going to give money. I'm like, if you're going to give money, then you just need to understand you're probably not going to get back. You need to be able to sort of do it and feel okay about it in your heart. And if it's going to put you in a bad position, don't, because you're going to build a resentment about it and it's not just going to hurt that person, it's going to hurt you. It's going to hurt other relationships. So that's the reason to try. To get that over-functioning thing under control. Bree, do we have a lot of questions? I see we have a lot of people on the live. We got like, I don't know, this is like 100 and I have to put my glasses on. What does that say, Bree? It says, oh, we have like 142. Look at that. I can see with my glasses. You guys get your comments and your questions up there because we're about to that time where I'm going to try to answer them. The more related to the topic they are, the more likely they are to get picked. If you put little question marks in front or write the word QUESTION in all caps or something, that also helps Bree to find them because sometimes they go by so fast it's hard to see them. While you guys do that, I'll remind you, as always, there are resources in the description if you want extra help, whether it's with us or somewhere else. There is tons of things in the description, so be sure to check those out. All right, Bree, what do we got? Sarah says, how do you get them to step up if you stop doing things for them, like buying new shoes or mowing the lawn? Also, how do you deal with the guilt trip that they try to pull? I know this is going to sound— it's going to sound condescending, Sarah. Not condescending to you, but like what I'm going to tell you to say. Sometimes you just need to ask. And if you ask in the right way, it's kind of like, the reason I say it's kind of condescending is because it's kind of like training a child, right? Like to clean up their bedroom or do their drawers or whatever, put their dishes in the dishwasher. If you ask kindly and say, man, it would really help me out a lot if you could do X, Y, or Z. Most of the time that does the trick and they do it. And then if you positively reinforce that, they want to do that more. And then not only does it help you to get more things done, but it also Helps the relationship dynamic. So just invite people in to step in. The truth of it is, is even when someone's fully addicted, they may be in denial about the addiction, but they know they're dropping the balls on this other stuff, either financially or housework or childcare or whatever it is. They know they're dropping those balls. And so they know that you asking them to do that is reasonable. I promise you, they know that. They may, if guilt-tripping you has always worked in the past, they could try to pull that, but But just allow them, help them move back into that dynamic. Even if the addiction thing's still there, help them move back into that dynamic because it's going to help you feel better and it's going to help them feel better about themselves. I have OCD and need things to be done right away and done right. My addicted loved one does work hard when he is home and he— wait, he does work hard, but when he is home, all he does is drink and watch videos. I get furious at him. How do I deal with this? This is going to be hard, Tanya, because it's like you want him to go from not functioning at all. Like if that's true what you're saying, like he literally does nothing but drink and watch videos or whatever, to not just being helpful, but to doing things exactly the right way. And what I can tell you is if your loved one steps in in any way and starts to do things, if you let your OCD take over and you're critical about how they do it, or you fuss about how long it took them to do that, or you fuss Because okay, you did it once, but you've not done it for 6 weeks or whatever, then you're going to really ensure that they don't do it. And it's hard because it feels like an anxiety in you, like it really needs to be done, right? And there's an urgency. So you're going to have to work some on your own OCD stuff because that's just going to come out super negatively and you're going to negatively reinforce. Them trying to help. Smiley says, any advice for an addicted loved one camping for the holiday weekend? Been sober since 2023 with backtracks, stopped in July, but states he will have a few drinks and is looking forward to it. He doesn't fully admit he has a problem, and I won't be along this weekend. Brace for impact? Yes. Yes. There's nothing you're going to do to stop that. If you— when someone has made it up in their mind, and this is so frustrating because I mean, I've seen this a bazillion times, Molly, like someone does really good for a while, but then it's like they start backtracking and back into denial and they're like, well, if I just do it every now and then, it'll be fine. And I've actually had this exact one. I've had a client way back who liked to camp and his thing was, well, if I just, if the only time I drink is when I'm camping, I'm camping alone, how could that possibly hurt anyone? And that was his thing. And he would tell me, I'm going to go camping. My wife's going to be out of town. I'm going to go camping, whatever. And I knew he was going to drink. If you try to push too hard on that upfront, then what you're going to get is that they're just going to be dishonest with you about it and they're going to hide it more. And that's going to make you even more furious. What you need to do is Exactly what you said, which is brace for impact, right? And as crazy as this sounds, the best thing to do is to sort of go along with it, kind of sort of, is to say, well, you know that that makes me worried, but I know that you're going to watch this problem. I know that you've worked really hard to get rid of it, so I know you're going to pay careful attention. If it's problematic, you're going to address it, so I'm going to trust you. That is the best thing to say because then it feels like you're partnering with them. Because I promise you, when they're saying that, there's nothing you're going to do that's going to stop it. They have decided. And even if you could stop it from the camping thing situation, it's coming 5 minutes later. It's one of those situations where you just have to let it roll. And honestly, you want it to roll bad. You want it to be an impact. That client I was telling you about, he did that thing I knew he was going to do with the camping and he came back In his next session, he told me, he said, oh my God, you're not going to guess what happened. I was like, you drank? And I was like, I knew you were going to drink. That's what I was thinking. And he's like, oh yeah, it was bad. It was so bad that when I got home, I was so dehydrated. Like I couldn't even function. I couldn't even, like he had to go to the emergency room because he was so sick and so dehydrated from the amount of drinking. And he had been like not drinking for several weeks before that. And he was like, it was a learning moment. It was like a, yeah, I guess that doesn't work, right? Because that was kind of one of his last bargains was maybe when I'm just camping, right? And so you want it to be bad, bad enough so that the person gets that, yeah, this just isn't going to work for me, but obviously not so bad that someone dies. Okay. But really uncomfortable is the best because then they learn the lesson quick. If it goes well, You got 6 more months. Kathy says, my loved one uses ghosting to manipulate me. We don't live together and he knows it plays into my own fears of abandonment. How do I navigate this? I think that this is hard. It's like if you're saying he's doing it on purpose to purposefully provoke you, then there's not a lot that you can do to make him not do that. The only thing that you can do is set a boundary around yourself for it. You can decide that you are, that you're not comfortable being in a relationship with someone unless they have some consistency. And you may just have to back up. Or you may decide, like, sometimes the situation is like this, Kathy. It's like they want to go MIA and not pick up the phone, not text you back, like literally for days at a time. And I don't know if that's Same as yours, Kathy, but this is a common one. And then they want to sort of crawl back to you and want you to sort of nurse them back to health after the fact. And sometimes you need to set a boundary for yourself about that because it's going to lead you to feeling used and abused, and then you're going to have all those resentments and that kind of thing. So it's a tough one. And if they're doing it purposefully to get under your skin, it's a whole nother level. Most of the time they're doing it just to Just because they're in their addiction, they're not really trying to hurt you. They're just trying to do their thing, right? And that's just what they do. But if he's purposely doing it, then you need to really think about that relationship. Says, what about where the addicted parent wants to step up but is still in denial and bargaining? I mean, I think letting them step up anywhere that's safe for them to step up, let them step up. If what you're saying is they're still drinking and they're driving kids drunk, you don't want to let them do that. You don't want to let them step up in that way, but in any other way, let them step up. I think that's a great thing. A lot of people feel like you have to tear someone down to get them sober, but I kind of feel like you have to build someone up. And so letting someone step up and feel good about themselves They're more likely, I think, to get into recovery and to get out of denial. When you really hate yourself, you don't have enough ego strength to admit what the problem is. When you feel okay about yourself and you have some amount of self-esteem, then you can acknowledge the things you've done wrong and the problems in your life because you know that even if you have that problem and you've done things wrong, you're still an okay person. So let a person Let them build some self-esteem. Sandra said, "It got worse for me the better he got. Like my ego said, what you did worked. Keep going more of it. Be more strict. Give him more pep talks. I stepped over every one of his boundaries. Is this normal?" Let me go back and read that slower. Take that piece by piece. It got worse for me the better he got. So I think what you're saying is like, it's like when you're over-functioning, he got better. And so it was reinforcing for you that behavior. I think that's what you're saying, Sandra. And then it ends up where you're cramming, probably. I think what you're saying is you cram it down, cram it down, cram it down, over-function, do too much, take care of all the responsibilities, and then you just lose it. And then you run all over their boundaries. I think that's what you're saying. Um, and is that, is that normal? Yeah, that's exactly what we're talking about, because that's what happens. You build it up and it's like a volcano, and then you just lose it, and then you act like, you know, maniac. I'm not saying you did. I'm saying that's what a lot of us do. Um, is it normal? Yes. Is it helpful? Not so much, but you already know that. Dawn says, question, what can you do to stop arguing about getting them to do their part of the chores, like walking or feeding the dog when it is their turn? When you have someone who's just not going to do it, I guess what I want to say is sometimes someone, I don't know how bad Your person is Dom, but like sometimes they're just, even if they said they were going to do it or wanted to do it, they literally are not functioning well enough to do it consistently. Like they may say, okay, in the morning they're going to do it, but by the afternoon they're wasted or whatever and they just can't do it. If you know that that's the case, they're either just not going to do it or can't do it, then you may want to figure out how to not rely on them to do that. Because if you think they're going to do it and they don't do it, and especially if it's something like taking care of the dog, right? Yeah. Not doing a load of laundry is one thing, right? Because it's not going to hurt anything if it builds up a little bit. But it's like if the dog isn't being fed or walked, that's one of those things where it's involving— I know it's not somebody else, but another animal, right? Another thing with feelings. And so it's one of those things to be hard to let go. So you may want to ask them to pay for a dog walker, or you may, if you're budget is all together, you may decide that you're going to pay for a dog walker. And he may say, well, why are you wasting that money? And you say, because it's got to be done. It's kind of like when you have a teenager that won't clean their room. Instead of fussing with them and fighting with them and saying, you got to do it, you got to do it, you can say, well, you don't really have to do it. Like sometimes adults, they pay someone to do it. I know a person that might come and clean it. Here's what it would cost. Would you rather pay to have them clean it? Because that's cool too. I mean, it really is. Or would you rather do it yourself? But it needs to be done. I like your username, Fancy Plants. My partner's drinking tends to be tied to certain hobbies he enjoys. He'll come home under the influence and want to hang out. How can I support his interest without enabling his drinking? Oh, this is a really common one. I see this particularly with With guys who sort of, maybe they have like a workshop or something and they like to work out in their shop, but really they know what they're— they know it's about the drinking. They know they have a whole refrigerator out there. They have the whole Yeti cooler full. Like they got a whole system and they may not admit it to you, but they know that it's really about the drinking. Sometimes it's like cooking. Like sometimes like whoever cooks, maybe they like to drink wine while they cook and that's part of that activity. I don't know that— I think I would be sort of neutral on it. I wouldn't necessarily fight against it, but I wouldn't necessarily like over-encourage it either, because I promise you this person knows that the hobby is really— the hobby is the side thing. The drinking is the main thing. Because like, um, a lot of the husbands I see, oh, they love to mow the yard. Oh, they're gonna mow the yard. Don't worry, you're not gonna have to over-function. You're gonna have the best yard in the neighborhood because they're gonna stay out there all weekend. Because as long as they're out there, they can drink. Drink, and you're not going to be on the case because they're working. I've had tons of husbands tell me this. So sometimes they overfunction for that reason. Marie says, "When I know I can't handle it anymore of the resentment and need to end the relationship that is not in the relationship and that." Is not rage that will pass? Oh, this is a good question. I'm glad you asked this, Marie. So what Marie is saying is like, sometimes I get so mad and I think I'm just done. And I always say it's totally okay to be done, but don't be done while you're mad. Because if you make that decision, just like Marie's saying, right in the heat of the moment, once the emotion's gone, you're going to take it back and you're going to go back and then you're going to be mad at yourself because you're going to feel like You caved or whatever. Making the decision to be done should be more like a slow build and more like, it feels more like an exhaustion and it feels more like an acceptance and it feels less like an anger. And it comes from lots and lots of times of being angry and resentful and wanting it to be different and having your hopes up and trying all these things. And then eventually It's like you just come. I'm not saying you have peace with it, but you have an acceptance of it. There's a sureness. It's not in the middle of an argument. And this is such a great question. You'll know when you know, but it's a more solid, like, I just can't do this anymore. You'll just know you're just done. And it's not just because you're mad right then. It's just because it's just been going on for so long. Chris says, my husband— when my husband, who is currently in 30-day— I guess you're saying 30-day treatment— asked me in family therapy why did I tolerate his drinking for so long, was he really asking me not to tolerate it anymore? His therapist advised me that what he was hinting at— that's what he was hinting at in a weird way. It could be, Chris. It's hard for me to really say on that because I'm thinking of a couple of different scenarios where that could be happening. I have had clients who had problems with whatever substance and their spouse, maybe their spouse's just personality type was super non-confrontational, super laid back. Maybe they're like an Enneagram 9 or a peacemaker or something. And I have had clients tell me like, I really want to stop, but they make it so easy. They don't even get mad at me. They don't say anything. They don't bring it up. And that's not fair to put that on you. But I have had many clients who were in that situation where it's like, well, my husband never says anything, so I guess they're fine with it. And sometimes it's like they know they can't trust themselves and they're wanting some level of accountability. That's one scenario. But then it's really like a trick because then if you do it, then it backfires on you and you become the villain or whatever. So it's one of those slightly no-win situations. So I would just ask him, what can I do to help hold you accountable? What would you like me to do in that case? And make him tell you what it is he wants you to do. Or maybe he was just saying that because it felt like the right thing to say in the In the counseling session, but it's definitely a way he's trying to sort of put it over on you. And so I would just put it back in his ball court by saying, yeah, maybe I should have done something better. What should I do if it happens again? And let him tell you. And then when you do it, he can't be mad at you, right? He probably will be, but it's definitely on him if you're just doing what he asked you to do. As someone who is now sober, how can I make genuine amends when I still feel resentful towards the people in my life? This is another really good question, and I think, Kayl, this really speaks to how the resentment really is on both sides, and people just, they don't understand that. But, but there's just become such bad blood between everybody. There really is bad feelings. The thing about making resent— I mean, making resentments, making amends is it's about cleaning up your side of the street. It's not about their side of the street. And sometimes when you do make amends, even if you're— you can say you're sorry for your part, even if you know it wasn't all you, even if you know they did some stuff too, right? You're just cleaning up your side. Not always, but a lot of times when you do that, The other person will own their part. Like, just think about when you're in an argument with someone and then you come back and you apologize and you say, I'm really sorry I said that. Like, I didn't even really mean it. Most times the other person says, yeah, I know, me too. I shouldn't have done that. I really did know that that would bother you or something like that. Like, sometimes when you go in and you acknowledge it, they acknowledge it too. But even if they don't, that's cool because the whole thing is so you don't have something on your conscience. So your side of the street's clean and you don't have any old addiction ghosts following you around of guilt and shame. And then you're worried about running into somebody at the family reunion or whatever. You don't have to worry about it anymore because you've already faced it and you've dealt with it. And it's a very freeing feeling. So that's what I would say most of all. If you haven't done any of your amends yet, start with some that are easier and you'll, you might Kind of learn that actually it goes pretty well and you get some really good outcomes and it just becomes easier and easier and work to the harder ones. Check Out My Melody says, how do I live with resentment I have on my dad because of his constant enabling he has done to my brother and his addiction? My brother's girlfriend died in February from an overdose. This is a really good question and it's one that we don't get very often, but it is a situation that happens very often, which is like where you have siblings and one of them's addicted. The non-addicted sibling probably, like check out my melody here, has probably been over-functioning. And there is this resentment that builds because the sibling's addiction takes over everything. All the parents' attention goes to it. All the money goes to it. Like you could be over here just like killing it, doing all these great, wonderful things, but it's like everybody's tied up constantly in the drama of that addiction. And in order to deal with that resentment, you have to sort of work on forgiveness. It doesn't mean you agree. It doesn't necessarily even mean you trust their decisions. But you, once you find that forgiveness in your heart, um, you could kind of step back from it emotionally. Um, Miss Lady says, I knew I was right. He also don't think he has an addiction just because he does the cocaine once every 6 to 8 months. Is there more to that one, Bree, or is that it? There's more. Okay. Reset. Hold on, hold on, you guys. I think there's more coming. Oh, here it is. Here, this is the rest. Will moving to another state help a cocaine user? Because he claims it will. All right, so there's 2 pieces to this, Miss Lady. The first piece is, is you're concerned because it's like he says, I only do cocaine every 6 to 8 weeks or whatever. I'm not addicted. And that's a very common misconception. It's like people think if they can stop whatever Then they're not addicted. And what they're thinking of is really dependency. But if when this person does it every 6, 8 weeks, 6 months, 2 years, if when they do it, it goes way beyond what they want them, way beyond what it should go, and they make terrible decisions and they wreck their lives and they ruin their finances and they destroy their relationships, it's an addiction. Because what it is, is it's like once they start, they can't stop. That's much more of an indicator of addiction. Most people just won't acknowledge this addiction until they're using like every day and in the morning and in the night or whatever. I'm like, yeah, that's addiction when that's happening, but now you're end stage. But it's really hard to convince someone that it's an addiction. But here's the good news. If this person is saying, I want to move and I think that that will help, then they're not calling it an addiction, but that is an acknowledgement that they know it's a problem. And that they know something needs to be done. And so as far as your question, as far as will it help, in 12-step recovery, they call that a geographical cure because it's something that a lot of people try. It's like, it's just this town, it's just these friends, it's just these family members. And if I could just get out of here, everything would be better. And it doesn't usually work that way. However, it can work. As long as the person understands that the problem is within them and that a fresh start would help them, but they're very aware that they got to work on the them part too. So if you move to a new location and you get a fresh start and you're aware and you're working on your problem, that's actually a really good combo. If you're telling yourself it's literally just these friends, just this city, just this family or whatever, and you don't recognize that the problem's in you, then it's going to Come to the new city with you. So as far as should you move to the new city, I would base it on that because that's a that's a lot of money. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of uprooting. So I'm not against doing it, but I like for the circumstances to be right. Rhonda says, "How do I handle when my addicted son tells me I make him feel like he's always doing something wrong when I tell him I'm uncomfortable?" I feel when I know he's doing meth in my home. Well, I mean, I would say, Rhonda, that you do always feel like he's doing something wrong because he's doing meth in your home. So the snarky part of me just wants to say, well, that's what I was like to him. Well, yeah, I kind of do feel like you're always doing something wrong because sometimes it's like they'll throw it on you. They'll make you feel guilty for like a normal thing. Like they'll say, you never trust me. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. I don't. And so sometimes just acknowledging it's like, I think you're right. Because what they expect you to say is they expect you to feel defensive about it and to be like, no, I didn't really mean it that way or whatever. So that's one way you could handle it. The other thing of it is if this person is a meth addict and they're using meth in your house and you think telling them how you feel about it's going to make it stop, It's an ineffective strategy. Is it a valid way to feel? Yes. Is it an effective strategy? No. So you may want to look at different strategies if what you're trying to do is really like get them maybe out of denial or get them to work towards some stages of change or some recovery or something. There's better strategies. All right guys, I think we are about to the end of our time. I have loved being here with you today. I see that I'm not the Only over-functioner out there. It's nice to know I'm in good company. Thanks for showing up. I will see you guys next Thursday live at 1 o'clock. And those of you who are here for the replay, we appreciate you too. Join the conversation in the comments. Bye everybody. Bye.