Frustrated with an Addicted Loved One?

There's this constant back and forth battle going on inside your head when you have an addicted loved one. It's almost like there's a committee of people sitting at some kind of having an argument and the thoughts and the feelings are all over the place. In this video I want to highlight some of those really common thoughts and feelings that you could be having if you're in this situation that you might be kind of afraid to admit to someone out loud. Now the reason we're going to do this is because I want you to know that these are really common thoughts. In fact, we deal with these kind of thoughts and issues in our membership program all the time. And I want you to know that it doesn't make you a horrible bad person if you're having these thoughts. Now any of these can apply to anybody who has an addicted loved one of any kind. But I've broken these down for you into two main categories, which would be spouses, as in if your spouse has an addiction. And I've also done an entire section for parents as well as in your child has an addiction. And that can be an adult child too, but they're still your child. Let's start with the partners. If your partner has an addiction, you're likely having some or all of these thoughts. Let me know in the comments which one of these thoughts hits home most for you. And if I left one out, definitely be sure to put that because that'll probably help someone else who's very likely also having that same thought or feeling. One of the biggest thoughts that you might have if your partner has an addiction is am I not enough? As in like if you loved me, you wouldn't do this or that. Why am I not enough? Why do you always have to go to the alcohol, to the drug, to the pornography? It really hits at the core of our self esteem when our partner's primary attention is somewhere else all the time. In fact, when you're in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, the best you can ever be is second. And that's a really terrible feeling to have. Now on the opposite end of that, there's this resentment feeling of I can't believe you are putting me through this, this is not what I signed up for. And in fact, sometimes you might even have the thought of I can't even stand being around you. The sight of you, the smell of you. Just being around this other person can make you feel like you just want to cringe to your very core, which creates this dynamic of resentment and then guilt for having that resentment. That's why I say it's like this big argument inside all the time. You feel like maybe you're an idiot for staying. Like, am I just a fool for putting up with this? I don't want to be that person who just gets ran over and taken advantage of. I should probably leave. Why am I not strong enough to just leave? And then again, on the opposite side of that, you have this thought of, well, this is my partner. I've made a commitment to them. If this is a disease and they're sick, am I a horrible person for leaving? And that's why this is so hard. It's like a no win situation. You're constantly caught in the middle and it feels like there's just no good answer. It's a constant feeling of frustration. You feel like you're the one that has to deal with most of the responsibilities. You're carrying way more than your fair share of the load. And to top it all off, you're the one that's always seen as the bad guy, the nagging one, the controlling one, the critical one. The whole situation is just completely unfair. And if you have children, that makes it ten times more complicated because now you're in this dilemma of, if I go, am I a terrible person for taking my children's mother, father, parental figure away? Or if I stay in my terrible parent for keeping my kid in a bad environment. Like I said, you are for sure stuck in a rock and a hard place situation. And the most secret thought of all thoughts is every now and then you may have a thought of, I wish this was just over. Now, when I say over, that can mean different things. It can mean, I wish I was just divorced from you. I wish this was over. But it could also mean, you know what? I know this is killing you. And I just wish it would get it over with so I could move on with my life. Because it feels like being caught in purgatory and constantly tormented when you're in this situation. And I know that's a terrible, horrible thought to have, but let's be real and honest. You're stuck in a terrible situation. And it truly is like watching someone you love and you care about being taken over, being killed by an illness. So just want to tell you it's not any more horrible to have that thought than it is to watch somebody that you love have cancer and be sick and be in agony. And you have that thought of, I wish this could just be over because it's so painful for them. And for me, it truly is a nightmare of a situation. Now when it's your kid, it can be even more of a nightmare situation because you feel like you don't even have the option of leaving, leaving or divorcing the situation. It's your kid. You can't just leave or walk away. Or at least I know people say you can, but can you really? A really common thought a parent might have will be something like, I can't believe you are doing this to me, especially after all I've done for you. It feels very, very personal when this is your kid, when you have given them everything, when you've sacrificed everything for them. And not only that, but you feel the judgment from the outside. You feel like other people are thinking you must be a terrible parent if your kid is going through this. And then you have this other side of you who feel like, am I killing my kid through enabling them? Is it my fault they're staying stuck in addiction? Am I helping them too much? You have this guilt, you have this thought of like, why can't I just let them go? Why can't I just cut them off completely? Or maybe you're on the other end of it and you feel like, why can't I just have empathy for them? I know that this is an illness and they're struggling, but I'm so freaking angry at them that I just don't have anything left to emotionally connect. Now on the opposite end of all that resentment, there's this other side of feeling somehow guilty, like, did I do something wrong? Did I miss something? Is this my fault? Maybe it's because we let them hang around that bad group of people. It's this constant searching back into the history trying to find where did things go wrong? And just like with the partners, there's a never ending thought of, why am I always the bad guy? No matter what I do, I'm the bad guy. If I help the kid, then I'm the bad guy. If I don't help the kid, then I'm the bad guy no matter what. I'm constantly getting judgment and criticism from every which direction. One of the big complicating factors you deal with as a parent in this situation is you deal with the other people that are involved in the situation, like your spouse, your partner, or maybe this is your ex partner and you feel like they just won't get on the same page with you. It's so easy to get into the blame game, to blame your partner because you feel like they're enabling them and they're keeping this going and that your son or daughter is never going to get better because they keep enabling. Or maybe you feel like your partner, ex partner is just completely shutting your kid out and they're so harsh and rigid that they're not giving your kid a chance which is going to kill them. So it's this pressurized feeling of desperation and then frustration because other people won't get on board with you. Not only is it hard to get the other family members on board with you, but it's difficult to even get other treatment people on board with you, like doctors and counselors and treatment centers. And it feels like you're on this raft in the middle of the deep dark ocean and there's no one out there to help. And I wish there were some black and white concrete answers for you, but unfortunately this is a very complicated situation. Now one thing you can do to make things somewhat better and keep your sanity is having and keeping healthy boundaries. If you haven't already taken our Healthy Boundaries quiz for parents or for kids, I'm going to link it for you here and in the description you can take that quiz for free and kind of find out where you're at on the spectrum of healthy boundaries and maybe where you need to make a few adjustments. And if you need some more hands on kind of help, then consider joining our membership program. I'll link that also in the description below where you get weekly live call access with our family recovery specialists who can help not only just support you through these feelings, but answer your questions and give you advice about navigating this whole complicated situation. And up next, I want you to watch this video. It's all about what to do when someone refuses to respect the boundaries that you've set. I'll link it right up here. All you have to do is click on it.