Getting Over An Addiction (2020)

In this video, we are going to confront the biggest, the number one misconception when it comes to addiction and recovery. I mean, I can guarantee you heard this before. I can promise you you've had this thought before, and I'll even be willing to bet that you believe this statement. But I think you're going to change your mind after you hear what I have to say about this concept. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can develop a strategy and stay five steps ahead of it, get your life and your loved ones back on track. And a lot of times in these videos, understanding the real science and psychology means getting to the honest truth. And unfortunately, there are so many widely accepted concepts and ideas and theories about addiction that people just believe wholeheartedly that flat out are not true. And I'm not talking about those stereotypical, like, judgmental thoughts from a long time ago. I'm talking about a lot of the thoughts, theories, and beliefs that you hear being talked about right now, today, as in a current thought or opinion. And today, we're gonna dispute the number one of those irrational, untrue thoughts, ideas, and theories. And not only is believing this thought not true and doesn't work, but it causes a lot of harm. And by the end of this video, I think you're gonna understand exactly why that is. Okay, I know you're like, get to it, Amber. What is the thought? Here's the thought. The thought is this, that a person has to want recovery for themselves. But in this video, we're going to take an in depth look at that. We're going to take that thought and dissect it down and look at the absolute truth about why that's incorrect. I mean, I'm serious. It's just not true. In fact, I'm kind of thinking it might be the worst reason to get clean and sober. Now, remember, those of you watch me, you know, I think there are no bad reasons. It's not a bad reason to get clean and sober for yourself, but it might be the least good of all the options. And I'm going to explain to you why. Now, before you go and put a whole bunch of comments on this video, just listen to what I have to say first. I know you have this thought. They have to want it for themselves. Can't do it for them. All that kind of stuff. I know you've been told that I know it's been drilled into your brain and I know you believe it, but just because you've been told it and just because you believe it doesn't mean it's necessarily true. Hey, if you still believe it after you hear everything I got to say on it, that's fine. Then you can put it in the comments and you can let me know your thinking about why that is. In fact, I'm going to share with you my top five reasons why I think that this is flawed, inaccurate thinking. And not only that, but it's also very problematic and can cause more harm than good. Okay, Number one reason why I think that it's not necessary for a person to have to want it for themselves is this. In our office, usually I'm gonna say like 90% of the time the person that calls our phone isn't the person that has the substance abuse problem, although happen sometimes. But 90% of the time it's their family, their friend, their loved one, you know, someone from the church, it's someone else that's concerned about them. They're usually the ones that call our office. But occasionally when we do get that 10% of people who are calling to get help for themselves, you may think, oh well, those are the people that want it for themselves. There is maybe like a little bit of truth in that, but it's still problematic. And here's why. When that person calls us, which definitely happens many times, that person, they may want in that moment, but let me promise you, it's probably for some external reasons, like their spouse is really mad at them, like they're gonna get divorced, like they got a dui, like they're gonna lose their kids, or you know, some other really bad thing that's gonna happen to them, that's probably why they're wanting it at the moment, which is totally fine, totally fine with that. But the thing of it is, is even when that person's calling for themselves because they know in that moment they've got a problem, that willingness and that desire that they have at that moment doesn't usually last. So the number one, it's a misconception that people have to want it for themselves is because even when people do want it for themselves, that's very inconsistent. That can last a few hours, a few days, sometimes even a few weeks. But that person's own self will and desire is gonna ebb and flow. And if there's not some external something out there, some accountability, some other reasons externally while they have to do it, or something else wanting it for yourself just plain isn't enough or at least isn't consistent enough. So that's reason number one. Let's move on to reason number two, why that's really not the best reason to get clean sober. Reason number two is that's usually the very last thing that happens. Like usually when you get to the point of wanting it for yourself, you have done destroyed everything in your life, you have done ruined everyone's life around you, you've done made your family miserable, you've done lost everything, and now you're finally to the point of wanting for yourself. Now the reason that happens is because of the nature of the illness. The illness doesn't allow you to want to stop using drugs and alcohol. It does all kind of tricks on you, all kind of defense mechanisms, denial, rationalizations, minimizations, justification. And so by the time that you as a person sorts through all of that and you really see the truth of it and you really want to get better, you probably done messed up a lot of stuff. Stuff. Seriously, it's done got really, really bad by the time you've seen it. Like, you probably feel like, okay, I'm gonna die and life is really bad. And I personally don't see any sense in waiting until someone has destroyed everything for them to decide that they want it to get better. Because the problem with that is, is once they've destroyed all that, they've burned so many bridges, a lot of times they don't have the support, the money, the job, the insurance, anything else left that they need resource wise to be able to get and sustain recovery. So it's that sort of flaw of waiting until bottom that I'm just not a big fan of. Like I said, wanting it for yourself is usually the very last thing that happens. And it's kind of dicey waiting for that. You might not get there. And if you do get there, you probably lost everything. The process. Okay, here's another really good one. Ready? Another flaw in that thinking of having to wait until the person wants it for themselves is the fact that many times people with substance abuse problems almost like circumvent that thought process. It's kind of a denial mechanism. I think I talk about this in one of my denial videos about the levels of denial. But a lot of times the thinking will circumvent wanting it for myself by just the person will sort of accept their fate as an addict or an alcoholic. So it's like not even like I'm in denial that I have a problem, but more like, okay, I'M an addict or an alcoholic. This just me, I'm gonna die early. And they just sort of accept it. They just sort of take it in sometimes. They just flat out own it as an identity. One time in my office, I was sitting. I'll never forget this. I was sitting across from this child, a child, a young lady who was, I don't know, like, 15. I remember looking at her. She probably weighed like, 70 pounds or something. And I seriously remember thinking to myself, like, oh, my gosh, please do not die on my couch. Like, what the heck? Like, she was that sick. She was that unhealthy. And I remember having the conversation with her. I remember saying, like, you're gonna die. Like, look at you. What are you doing? This little young lady was doing heroin, reckless. It was just out of control. I think her family had all these problems, so there was no one keeping any kind of gait on it at all. It was scary town. And I remember saying to her, like, I'm seriously concerned. Like, you're gonna die. Like, probably soon. Like, I'm really, really worried. And this young lady turned around, looked at me, and she's like, yeah, I know. You're probably right. But, like, all the cool people die really young, right? Do you see what I mean? The thinking is just warped here. And I remember thinking to myself, I'm like, oh, my God, are you kidding me? I said this to the girl. I said, dude, you're not even in the game yet. Like, you're just in practice life. You haven't even started your life yet, and you're like, already, like, it's gonna be over. Like, you're not even in the show. What are you thinking? All right, ready for your other reason why this is not good thinking. It's not a good philosophy, and you should stop waiting until your loved one wants it for themselves. Here we go. The next really good reason I have for you is that even when they want it for themselves, even when they're taking all those steps, they're going to trick themselves. They're gonna change their mind somewhere in the process. And even if they're like, I really want recovery, they're gonna start thinking, I can still have recovery, but have a few drinks. I can manage it. This is the sort of fallback into that stage that I call the bargaining you probably heard me talk about. So let's say someone's been clean and sober for quite a long time. They're doing really well. At some point, they're probably gonna have those thoughts about being able to Manage it again or just. Or only on special occasions. So even when they want it for themselves, there's this bargaining thing that can come back into play. Means it probably has more likelihood of sticking. If it's just for yourself, you're going to take that back on some level. So stop waiting for this. Now, I do agree that the person has to have some kind of motivation and desire and willingness to change. But I think that that desire and willingness and motivation can come from any number of reasons and that all of them are good reasons. And not only do I think that, but I believe that there are some things that you, as the family member, the friends, the loved ones can do to help the person decide that they either want recovery for themselves or that they at least don't want what they have right now. That's probably more the key. Can they decide that they don't like what they've got right now? Because when they do that, it creates this openness for something else. It's probably not, oh, I want to be in recovery. I want to be somebody's sponsor one day. That's probably not the thought that they're gonna have. But it starts with this. I don't like what I have right now, this discomfort. The faster that the rest of us can come to terms with this, the faster that we can just stop waiting for this magical, elusive thing that's probably not going to happen and we can get out there and change some lives. I thought, wow, I'm impressed. I can really respect that. And other people, if they heard that, other people in recovery, other counselors, just other. Anybody else probably might even get upset at that person and maybe even like, get on to that person when they heard these two young people say what they said, okay, ready here, There. So this was two separate young people, both in the same group last night at Hope for Families. One of those young people, this was young man, he said he's like in this treatment program. He's in a sober living. And he said, I'm really miserable. I freaking hate it here. Like, I'm questioning myself, like, why did I even decide to do this? That's what I mean when I say that I want it for myself. Thing goes away, it goes away. Don't worry. Going when it gets uncomfortable, that goes away. Anyways, he said, and I promise you, if I had somewhere else to go, I would do it, because I really. I don't even know. I just want to go get high so bad, I can't stand it. That's basically what he was telling Me. And I said, well, why don't you just leave? He said, well, I'd have to go back home to my mom. I said, well, do you think she'd let you in? He's like, yeah, probably. But I literally couldn't live with myself to disappoint her so badly, because I know she's paid all this money, because I know she'd be scared to death, and I know she'd freak out, and I just can't do that to her. Now. You might be tempted if you heard someone say this, to be like, well, that's not good enough. You have to want it for yourself. Please, please, for goodness sake, please stop saying that to people. If you hear someone else say it to someone else, like, pull them aside, say, please don't say that. That's not true. You know what? That's a great reason. And I'm so proud of that young man, because he's like, I can't hurt my mom like this. Yes, I want to get high. So if it's up to him, he literally said these wor. If I was doing it for myself, I'd be gone. But I just can't do that to my mom, and I have a lot of respect for that. There's something inside of him that cares about someone else's needs above his own, and that's admirable. It's not superficial. It doesn't mean his recovery isn't gonna last. That's just pure honesty. And a similar situation from a young lady in our group last evening said something similar about their mom. This young lady actually already. Like, she's already been in treatment a few times, and she's staying with her mom. And she said, you know, I just hate this. It's stupid. I really just don't even know if I have problem. I don't even know if I want to be clean and sober. But I've just hurt my mom so much lately, I just don't think I can do it anymore. So even this young lady is not even sure she has a problem, Definitely isn't sure if she wants to be clean and sober, but there's something inside of her that says, I don't want to hurt my mother anymore. And I'm telling you, I've seen this a million times. I've seen other people in recovery jump on people for saying this. I've seen counselors jump on people for saying stuff like this, which is absolutely ridiculous. We should be taking those statements and validating them, because those are little seeds that if you put a little water on them, they can grow. And those reasons for wanting sobriety can turn into bigger reasons and multiply into more reasons. Now, to really, really understand how this process of change and recovery happens in reality, not in our fantasy mind minds about the way we think it should happen or is going to happen, but the way it really happens. I want you to watch this video next. It's about the reality expectations of the real stages of change when it comes to addiction recovery. I'm going to put it right up here so you can click on it and watch it next.