Getting Past Alcoholic Defense Mechanisms

In today's video, I'm going to be giving you all my secret tips and tricks for how to get past defensiveness. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I am a master addiction counselor, and I've been helping people and families overcome addiction for more than 20 years now. And for most of my career, people that have come into my office to see me kind of didn't really want to be there. So I am very used to dealing with people who have their walls up, had to learn how to get past this defensiveness in order to help people. And I can tell you that these techniques I'm about to teach you absolutely work. They work on all kinds of defensiveness. But the examples I'm going to give you in this video are going to be specifically about drug and alcohol defensiveness. But feel free to change them to fit your situation. Oh, and bonus, you can actually even use these techniques on yourself. If you are a person who has trouble with drugs and alcohol, you probably have some mixed feelings about the problem and about what you want to do about the problem. And so you can get defensive even with yourself. So you can use these techniques on yourself or to help someone that you care about. But before I give you all these really good examples, I want to tell you about today's video sponsor, which is soberlink. You may have heard me talk about soberlink before because I am a huge, huge fan. I've been using soberlink in my office with my clients and since long before I ever started making YouTube videos. And that's because I have found it is the number one most effective tool for helping not only people get sober, but for helping to rebuild trust in family systems. It almost immediately reduces the arguments, reduces the distrust, takes away all the spying and the snooping, and just really alleviates all that tension between someone who's in early recovery and their loved ones. And if you've never heard me talk about soberlink before, basically it's a really high tech alcohol breathalyzing system. Now, I know you can get a breathalyzer pretty much anywhere. One time I was checking out at Staples and I saw that they had them, you know, like with the gum and the candies right there at the checkout lane, like on a keychain. I was like, wow, are you serious? But you can get breathalyzers anywhere. But this isn't just a breathalyzer. This is a whole system. And that's why it's so effective. You can go in and pre program it to create A schedule that works for your life and your situation. Situation specifically. As you can see, it's not too big. You can put it right in your purse or in your car. And it comes in a case that looks kind of like a fancy sunglasses case. So someone saw it, they really would never think anything about it. I've had clients that worked every kind of job. Students, wives, husbands, you name it. I have found soberlink to be effective for people that are either trying to get sober and not have to go to treatment, or for people who've gone to treatment and are transitioning back home. In either case, it is super helpful. Now link in the description below. If you click that link, it'll take you to a page where I've got a video where I go into all the details about soberlink. I show you how it works, how you set it up. I answer all of those frequently asked questions that you may have. So be sure to click the link below and check it out. All right, back to our topic. The number one way to get past someone's defensiveness is simple. You defend them first. I know you think that that sounds crazy, but hang with me. Just let me tell you how that works. If you've had a conversation with a person in your life that you care about or yourself, and you kind of know how this conversation goes, you bring up something, they get defensive, maybe they turn it back on you, maybe they give you all these rationalizations and excuses, and you just can't get anywhere in the conversation because you just go around and around and around. The thing of it is this. The person who's maybe struggling with a substance abuse problem, they have ambivalence inside about issue. There are a lot of things they like about the substance. There are some things that they don't like about the substance. But when you come at someone directly and in a way that feels to them, even if you're trying to be supportive, it feels to them like you're being critical or like you're trying to take something away from them or you're trying to boss them around. It makes people naturally defensive, even if they know that you're sort of kind of right about some of it. So, and you've probably noticed if you've had this conversation with them more than once, is that they always sort of say the same things, they defend themselves in the same way. And when they're doing that, you try to ignore it because you're like, yeah, but X, Y, Z. Yeah, but it costs all this money. Yeah, but it's hurting Our kids. Yeah, but you're flunking out of school and you're constantly wanting to get them to see the negative side of the issue, and you're afraid to give any credence to their reasons or how it helps them. You know, all of their statements, you don't want to give any credit to that because you're afraid it's going to convince them to keep doing it. But actually, if you will, acknowledge their points that have some credibility to them, because in most cases, a lot of their points do have a lot of truth to them. It's not like they're outright lies. It's just the other side of the coin. And the best way to get someone past that is to acknowledge it first. Don't come at them with the why you need to change and why this is terrible and in a critical way without acknowledging their valid points. Now, most of people's defensiveness, sort of their points of view, they kind of fall into a few categories. I'm going to tell you what those categories are, and then I'm going to give you some examples of how it plays out, like in everyday conversation. So one of the categories is, it's not that bad. Another one is, hey, you're not perfect either, and you've got problems too. Give you some examples of that. That's when they're trying to turn it on you, making you look at your own character defects, as we call it, recovery. Or maybe what they're defensive about getting help. And. And a lot of their defensiveness revolves around why they can't get help, why it won't work for them, why it's just not going to fit into their life. Another type of defensiveness you'll hear is how that this addictive behavior, whatever that is, serves a purpose. It does something good for them. And I know that one. When you hear it, you really aren't going to want to acknowledge that, because I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, yeah, but the bad way far outweighs the good. And you're probably right, but you need to acknowledge the good so that the person can get past that roadblock and start to see the other side of the coin. And one more category of a type of defensiveness that you might get is you might get some kind of version of, okay, you're only pointing out my bad flaws. And you never talk about anything I do. Right. So those are four different kinds of categories. Let's look at some very typical. I hear these examples all the time. One of them is, it's not like I get belligerent or anything. It's not like I'm stealing. It's not like I get abusive or hit you. It's not like I am running off doing crack cocaine or something. All of these are versions of it's not that bad. Another way you might see it's not that bad is I'm not nearly as bad as those people in the meetings. I'm not nearly as bad as Sally. I'm nothing like your brother. And so in that one, it's sort of a comparison of, okay, yeah, maybe I smoke too much, maybe I drink too much or whatever it is, but it's not as bad as X, Y, or Z. The best thing to do when you know that this is what this person's thinking and I know that you know it because they probably said it to you when you've tried to talk to them about it before is you say it first. Okay, you can say, it's not like you're like the worst alcoholic ever. Now, you're not near as bad as a lot of people. You're definitely not as bad as my brother. And so just acknowledge it first. Because when you do that, it actually opens them up to being able to see the other side of the coin. Believe it or not, they'll think something along the lines, yeah, I know it's not that bad, but it's not that good either. Or, yeah, I know it's not that bad, but it's causing X, y or Z problem. The reason is because it's sort of like a human instinct to kind of want to, like, go against. And so if you acknowledge their point of view first, they'll think of the opposite side of that coin immediately. But even if they don't say it to you out loud, they'll think it in their head. I'm telling you, it's like jiu Jitsu here, okay? Just trust me. It works another way. You might see that it's not that bad is okay, yeah, I drink in the afternoons, I smoke, I do whatever. I party on the weekends. You might hear, but I still go to work every day, or I still make good grades, or I still take care of the kids in this house. You know, I don't let any balls drop. I still pay the bills. That's another version of it's not that bad. So if you're going to have a conversation with someone that needs to be, like, almost the first thing out of your mouth, like, before you ever even think of saying something negative or pushing for Change or getting to see maybe how it's not that great. You need to acknowledge their point of view first. If you don't, it's all they can think about most of the time. They're going to say it to you and then they're going to try to turn it on you, which we'll come back to that one in a minute. So say it first. If you say it first, then they're like, then they don't have this stuck thought in their head and they're actually open to hearing the rest of the story. Here's another one. It's not like I drink every day. It's not like I use every day. It's not like I smoke every day. Now, the way you get around the whole defensiveness that falls into the category of you're not perfect either is you start out by acknowledging your flaws first. Here's some examples of how that might look. You might say something like, look, I know I've overdone it in the past too. Look, I know I've got my own flaws, and literally name them out loud. You're going to come into the situation with humility, which is going to help them take their walls down and be able to listen and talk to you back with more humility. And now the conversation actually get somewhere. Some other examples of how that might look is, hey, I know I can be overly sensitive about this issue, or I know maybe I'm a little critical about it because X, Y and Z in my past or because of my brother or because of my cousin or because of my ex. So just acknowledge that you're not perfect either, that you have flaws, that maybe you're not even seeing the situation perfectly. When you do that, that defensive wall immediately comes down telling you and they can hear you better. And actually, if you start with that, sometimes you don't even have to say the other side of it. Like, they just immediately start to see the other side of it. In my practice, I would never come at someone say, you can't control your drinking. You're powerless, you're unmanageable. Because when I say that, immediately they're going to think of 25 times that they manage it just fine. They're going to think of ten times that they've drank just two glasses of wine. They're going to go home from session and drink two beers and put it down just to prove to themselves that I don't know what I'm talking about. And so you don't want to come at someone like that. You can say, most of the time you manage it fine. Most of the time it's not a problem. And you can say, it's not like you drink every day. It's not like you over drink every day. It's not like I don't have flaws. It's not like you don't have all these other great things about you, too. Which kind of brings us to our other category of the defensiveness is around feeling like that you're always on their case and you always only see the negative and you don't acknowledge the positive. The way you deal with that is you acknowledge the positive first. You are a wonderful provider. You are the best mother I've ever seen. You keep this house running so smooth. You're on top of everything. You always get the bills paid, your grades are great, you're wonderful with the kids. And these things need to be genuine and sincere, right? You want to give valid points because then they actually believe you. They're being honest and true and not just being all nice and trying to pet them up or something. So acknowledge their good parts. When you can do that, they can better hear maybe something that's not so great. But if you're just trying to get someone to see the not so great parts of them all the time, it's going to trigger up their shame, their guilt, their embarrassment, and immediately, subconsciously, without even being aware of it, they're going to get defensive with you. And that other category, the one that's like, I know it helps with. Go ahead and acknowledge that first, which looks like, I know it helps you wind down at the end of the day. I know it helps you get some sleep. I know it helps settle your stomach. I know it helps you not be on edge all the time. I know it helps you feel less anxious in social situations. Whatever it is that they feel like, it helps them with, acknowledge it. And probably your loved one or yourself has a combination of these kinds of defensive thoughts feeling statements. So acknowledge as many of it as you can. You probably already know what they are. Now, I told you before, you can use this on yourself, right? Because if you start trying to, like, badger yourself into quitting, you're going to be like, yeah, but it helps with this. Yeah, but I'm not that bad. Yeah, but X, Y, or Z, what I want you to do if you're doing this technique to yourself is give yourself permission of, hey, here's all the pros about it, here's all the things that I do like about it, and here's some things that I don't like about it. Allow yourself to see both sides of the equation. Now, I don't want to forget to mention the whole thing about I can't get help because that's one of the categories. I told you the way you deal with that is, hey, I know you can't take off 30 days of work. I know that going to meetings isn't really a possibility for you because you're a public figure and you need to maintain privacy. I know that you hate counseling. Whatever their roadblock or objection is, go ahead and acknowledge it. I am telling you, if you can acknowledge another person's point of view first, they're going to be so much more open to hearing you and so much less defensive. The conversation is going to go much better. Now, if you want to know more about getting through to someone in denial, I want you to watch these videos next. I'm going to link them up here. And don't forget, there are resources in the description, including soberling. You definitely want to check them out. Even if you're not ready for it now, go ahead and check it out for in case you or your loved one is ready for it in the future.