Healthy vs. Unhealthy Love

Do you have the ability to love other people in a healthy way? Or are some of your relationships unhealthy or even toxic? That's what we're going to talk about in today's video. For those of you who are new here, you are watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life back on track and live the life that you want to live. And this is the only channel that helps you understand addiction from every angle, being the individual angle and the family. Now, today's topic is really relevant to both sides of that triangle. Whether you are a person struggling with addiction now, you're a person in early recovery, or you have a loved one who struggles with addiction, or honestly, this is relevant to you if you just want to know if you're having healthy relationships. So there's one crucial, very big element that's important in determining whether something is a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship. And the key there is, are you loving this person from a place of fear? Because when we are making decisions based out of fear, if our attachments to someone else are surrounded by fear, fear makes us do desperate things. Fear makes us not very objective or strategic or wise because we're in our defensive mode. And so if you're in a relationship with someone who either triggers a lot of fear out of you, or. Or if you have had relationships in the past and you've got trauma and wounds and so you're coming into relationships through a place of fear, then it's highly likely that those relationships will start to dissolve and maybe even get downright toxic. So let's talk about some ways to make sure that you are not coming out of relationship through a place of fear. And just for clarification, when I say relationship, I really mean any kind of relationship, whether it's friendship, whether it's a relationship with your child or with your parents, or with your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, even a co worker, these you can. If you have a lot of fear around relationships, for example, if you have a lot of fear of abandonment, if you have a lot of fear of rejection, if you are bringing that into you, if you're bringing those fears into your relationships, if is causing a corrosive type impact, because those type of fears are very, very likely to either cause you to cling so tightly that you end up pushing another person away, or those fears can cause you to run away so quickly out of some sort of subconscious effort to not get hurt that you End up abandoning relationships that could be really healthy for you. So that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how these fears can control our relationships. Obviously we all have childhoods, right? We all have childhood wounds. Even if we grew up in the most perfect house, we all went through junior high school, so we got some wounds in there, right? So as we go through life and good things and bad things happen to us, we start to develop our filters in the way that we see ourselves and the way that we see the world. And sometimes in those early years, we can make decisions about ourselves or about the world and the other people in it that might not be completely correct because most of the time when we're making these decisions about ourselves, we're usually doing that from a very limited place. Especially when we're doing that from a very young age where we really don't have the capacity to understand the world. Let me give you an example. Let's say if you grow up in a home where you have an addicted parent and your parent, let's say it's your mom, isn't, doesn't nurture you in the way that you need to be nurtured, doesn't meet your needs in the way that really they should as a child, you are probably going to interpret that as something being wrong with you. Because it's really hardwired in for children to be able to elicit that nurturing, loving thing from their parents. So if the parent's not giving it back, there's some kind of subconscious learning in there that that means there's something wrong with me. And whether we're aware of that or not, that continue, that can continue to play out in our adult relationships. If we constantly feel like there's something wrong with us, that we're not lovable, that people are going to fail us or leave us or reject us, then guess what? We probably are subconsciously engaging in behaviors that are going to ensure that those things take place. It's kind of like self fulfilling prophecy, if you've ever heard of that. It's like we're doing things to make sure to create the kind of thing that we think in our mind is going to happen. Sometimes we have an awareness about these fears and sometimes we're not quite aware of it. One of the, or I would say the most effective way to get out of these types of unhealthy relational patterns is going to be to bring all of this stuff up into your awareness. So let's talk about three different ways to think about and conceptualize relationships that are going to keep your relationships in a more happy, healthy kind of way. The first thing you got to do is you've got to be aware is, number one, be aware of what your attachment style is. Be aware of what your old buttons and wounds and triggers are. Because if you can be aware of these things, once you can bring this into your consciousness, you can do a better job of controlling those types of triggers so you can make a choice on how to respond to things versus just emotionally reacting. When you're not aware of these triggers and people hit your buttons, they're not knowing that that's your button, you're not knowing that that's your button, then you're going to be emotionally reacting to that in such a way that's going to cause like a domino effect. Then they're going to react to you differently, it's going to cause you to react to them differently, and on and on and on. You can see how that goes. So the first thing you got to do is become aware of these things. If you don't know what your attachment style is, or if you don't even know what that means, I will link a video up here at the end that will explain to you. Attachment styles. Basically, there are four types. Some attachment styles tend to push others away. Some attachment styles tend to hold on too tightly. Some are in the middle. I'll put that video up here near the end so you can kind of gain a better understanding of that. There's also a really good book about it, which I'll put the link in the description. I'll try to remember to do that. It's called Attached, which you can get on Amazon, and it's super good. It's written in a way that anyone can understand. It's not like super, super crazy deep science or psychological or anything like that. So it's a great book to pick up to learn more about yourself and sort of where you fit on that continuum. The next thing that I'm going to advise you do is to learn how to separate your relationships into three kind of categories. You've got to understand your needs and what you're bringing to the relationship or not bringing to the relationship. You got to understand the other person, what they're bringing to the relationship or not bringing to the relationship. And then there is the relationship itself. So it's kind of a separation of me, them and us. So many times we can get so enmeshed with someone that we're not able to separate that. And if you Have. This is particularly problematic if you have a person in your life that you care about, a friend, a family member, a child who's going through some really hard struggles. If you can't separate yourself from them, then you're going to be drowning along with them and you're going to be desperately trying to get them to change or fix them. And you could end up in a really sort of codependent, unhealthy type of dynamic with some kind of. Leads me to the third thing that you can do to help keep your relationships in a somewhat healthy or tight place. And that is view the other people in your life with respect and understand that they're smart too. And understand that they know that what they need and they know what they want and that they have the capacity to solve their own problems. So many times we're looking at other people's problems and it's easy to look from the outside looking in. Trust me, I'm a counselor. That's what I do all day. It's easy to look at someone else's problems and see their answer right. And it's easy to want to try to force someone to the answer faster than they're ready. But if you believe wholeheartedly that the other person has it within them to solve their own problems and you respect them and care about them enough to allow them to do that, they're going to like you better and you're going to like them better. Otherwise, you, you can get yourself controlling type behaviors into rescuing type behaviors, into persecution type behaviors and all that kind of other messy, messy things. Now, a couple of weeks ago, I created now this, I originally created this for people in recovery. I called it the Nightly Recovery Questions to Ask Yourself. And I put a link to them in the description of this video for you. Because these are great questions. I think there are nine of them. You can download these questions and these are. If you can keep these in the back of your mind and ask yourself these on a regular basis, maybe even on a nightly basis. This is going to train you. These questions are going to train you how to interact with other people in a healthy way, how to have boundaries, how to keep your side of the street clean but not invade in their side of the street. So definitely download that list. Even if you don't consider yourself a person in recovery, these are just healthy questions to ask yourself. They have to do with boundaries and how you're interacting with other people and how you're treating other people, people and that sort of thing. And I think it's helpful in pretty much any situation. Now let's see who's with us. Definitely want to hear what you guys think about this. What's your experience with this? Have you, have you found yourself in a relationship with someone where you felt it was being controlled by fear or desperation? What did that cause you to do? Have you been on the other side of that, on the receiving side? Have you been in a relationship with someone who was having so many fears that it caused them to do desperate things and and ended up either pushing you away or smothering you or some other kind of unhealthy relationship dynamic occurred? Let's see here. Hey Rose from London. So glad you're here. And Kathy and Kelly. Hey Kelly. Kelly says. Let's see what Kelly says. Hey, from Texas. Hey, Kelly from Texas. My sister lives in Texas. Your videos have been about the only thing keeping me somewhat sane over this past year as my sister and our family continue to struggle with addiction. I'm glad you're here, Kelly. I see your name come up a lot in the comments. I feel like we know each other. We have Kathy here from Illinois, and Kelly and Linda and Amy. Let's see, we got kiss and he says, hi, I want to thank you for your exist and share your videos here. You help me a lot. My husband is alcohol addict. He denies it makes me crazy and I chase him and follow every step until I listen to you. I bet your husband appreciates that too. I bet he feels like he may not even know that's happening in the background, but probably, hopefully that when you back off from the chasing, responding out of fear, hopefully that's helping you guys have a better relationship and opening the channels up for good, positive change and communication. Amy says, both my boys are adopted and have fears of abandonment. Both are addicted to substances. I'm learning to detach but not let go. Those are very wise words, Amy. Detach, which just means sort of back up and get control of that sort of what's me, what's them, what's us sort of thing, but not let go. So it doesn't mean to abandon them. My guess is that that fear of abandonment can cause can cause you to run off other people and make them abandon you or cause you to abandon them too quickly. And if they're addicted to substances, it's kind of a way of abandoning people. Kind of a way of I'll just detach from people. I'll get attached to this substance instead of to people because it feels more reliable or it feels more safe. Amy says My boys always push people away. They're hanging in there from a distance. Let's see. Joelle says has it in them to solve their problems. You and you respect and care about them enough to let them do their thing. Well, said, Amber. Yes, that's right. It's. You know, even when I talk to clients, it's easy. If I want to get in my head and think I have all the answers, it's a much better thinking pattern for me to realize that they actually have their answers. And as a counselor, sometimes it's my job just to maybe, like, remove the roadblock for them, help them find and identify and remove roadblocks so that they can come to their own answers. Have you ever had a problem in your life, Any kind of problem, a work problem, relationship problem? And people in your life, they're trying to help you with it, and they're giving you all this advice, but they just really could not understand the dynamics of the issue or there were crucial pieces that were just hard to explain that unless you were in it, you just couldn't quite understand. And it's so frustrating when other people giving you all this advice. That's one of the things I try to remember, especially about, like, people's relationship issues. You can't understand another person's relationship. It's always complicated. And so I try to remember inside my head that they understand it best, right? That they have the answers. Sometimes they're being blocked from taking action, but they probably have the answers inside. Amy says, I love hearing they have the power to solve their own problems. They really do. Hey, Teresa from Southern California. And hey, tell your story. If you guys haven't checked out, tell your stories. YouTube channel. It's a super good recovery. YouTube channel as well. I encourage you guys to check it out. Kim says, well, he says that's why he's addicted. Hey, Lorena from Argentina. Wow, that's, like, far away. Jenny says, my son admitted he has these fears of abandonment. He was adopted at age 4 just this past week. He said he's very depressed and stopped going to work, but doesn't say what triggered this episode. I know he's behind on getting his meds, so really trying not to push him to pick them up. Had to intentionally step back from regular communication since I'm worried about him. That probably is a big trigger for you. I think what Jenny is saying is, like, she sees. She sees him backing up, not getting his med. She's feeling like this is a mistake. Probably is. And resisting the urge to nag or Preach or remind or go do it for him is really hard. One thing I think that's good to remember is if you're the family member, resisting that urge for you is pretty similar for the person who's struggling with an addiction to resist the urge to go use. So if we're asking them to be brave enough and strong enough to resist that urge, one of the best things we can do is role model that and empathize with that and understand what it's like to be triggered and really, really, really, really, really want to do something and have everything in your body screaming for you to do it. But no, it's not the right thing for you to do. Facebook user says hello Amber. Thank you for all you do. My two year old son and I just left his alcoholic father about two weeks ago and much of what you said helped me to have strength to leave. I feel like I'm in a much better place and continue to love and support him now. It's still hard, but we're not giving up. I think a lot of what you're talking about here is the. I call it deciding not to have the front row seat. It's hard to keep your sanity if it's in your house and you're watching every bit of it. No matter how healthy of an upbringing you have, no matter how healthy of a person you are, that vortex of addiction will suck you in. And especially if it's right in front of your face all day, every day. And sometimes getting a little distance from it will help you to continue to love someone, care about them and support them more effectively. Because if you're seeing it all day, it's hard not to yell and scream and preach and nag. Even with everything I know. I think that's exactly what I would do if I were watching, if it were in my house every day. Barb says, just got my son just got released from rehab and says the same thing. He discovered he has abandonment issues. He was adopted three. Well, there's a lot of parents of adopted children on here. There is a lot of science and research out there about attachment and how it relates to addiction. There's a whole theory about addiction that it, that it's an attachment disorder in and of itself. And I do have some video content about that too if you guys want to check it out. Liz says, hey from Denver. I am a. I'm a baby that resents control and authority. I subconsciously bucket all of the time and end up distancing myself further the closer people try to get to me. You know what, Liz? That is some seriously good insight and seriously good humility to just put it right out there. And you know what? It helps us that you did that, because it makes the rest of us feel brave enough to. To say our own triggers and our own maybe character defects out of there. Because what Liz is telling us is, hey, this is what my button is. If I feel like someone's trying to control me or have authority, here's what I end up doing. And because Liz is aware of that, she can make more better conscious decisions on is it the right thing to do? Because sometimes when we have those triggers, we kind of, like, have a hair trigger. We might feel like someone's trying to control us when they're not, but we're so sensitive to it, we can have that automatic reaction. Nice insight, Liz. Carmen says, my husband became my addiction. I have to constantly keep myself in check. You and your resources have been a game changer for me. I feel. Well, thank you, Carmen. I love that you're saying, like, my husband came the addiction. It can. Another person can become an addiction. Guess what? They don't usually like it when that happens. Right. They feel controlled and smothered. But especially if your loved one is struggling with an addiction, it's a natural reflex for you. So I don't want you to feel like something's wrong with you. I don't want you to feel like you did something wrong. That is the natural course of action. I like to say it is a symptom of the addiction itself, is for family members to get obsessed about the issue as well, though. And just like Liz, Carmen, you have great insight and humility and willingness, and I'm loving it. You guys are really impressing me today. Teresa says, I watched a counseling couple that described five attachment styles. The avoider, the pleaser, the vacillator, the victim, and the controller. Yes, I think these are really great names that someone is attaching to what they call avoidant Attachment style, Anxious attachment style style. There. There. There are these attachment styles that have, like, clinical names. And these are great names that. That people. Someone out there is naming them. That makes it easier to remember. I love it. Gina says, my son texted me last night saying, Mom 91 1, trying to make me panic and respond and pay for a hotel room for him. Trying to get him into a shelter and hurt into inpatient treatment, but he won't. He lies and says he is waiting on the waiting list, but he really isn't. It sounds like it sounds like, Gina, that your Son's using what I call like emotional blackmail. It's almost like I'm not going to be okay or something bad's gonna happen to me or I'm gonna hurt myself or, you know, something really terrible is going to be happening if you don't help me in this way that I want you to help me. And I feel like in my personal opinion that is, that's. It's okay to ask for help, but, but doing it in that way where you, it's like the ace card that you're throwing out there, you know, and you put this other person in this terrible position where it's like they can't say no or they feel terrible, horrible about it. I feel like that's kind of out of bounds emotional manipulation type behavior. Let's see. Sandra says, heard that bf. I think this boyfriend manipulates me by poor me. Had to separate myself from him to allow him to find some dignity in his own choices, whether he wants it to actually work at his recovery. Yeah, because you know, we can care about someone who's going through a hard time or is having difficulty with something, but if they're kind of constantly saying for me, you get compassion fatigue and in fact, eventually you get downright irritated and aggravated about it and then you probably don't respond very well to it at all. And then guess what? Then it's like, poor me, because you're treating me bad. Right. It's like a never ending cycle. Not good. Having fun. Says had to split with my alcoholic husband. It's been very hard. I miss him so much. But he's been an alcoholic for 30 years and refuses to see how bad it is. That's sad. 30 years, that's really hard. But it sounds, sounds to me like you haven't given up, which is good, but that you made a decision that you had to sort of back out, back up and let, and let him see the truth for himself. Let's see. Millie says, hey, I love your channel. My partner and I are expecting a baby girl in February. He is an addict and wanted to quit before the baby gets here. He seems to be getting worse and in more of a denial stage. So it sounds like he initially had the idea and desire of wanting to change, but. But now as the baby's getting closer, he doesn't seem to be moving in that way. And that's not really uncommon, Millie, because that window, I call them windows or moments of clarity where, where people really want to change, they come in and out of those windows and they don't last for that long. I like to say they can usually last somewhere between a few hours and like a couple days or so, usually max. So it doesn't necessarily mean that your partner doesn't want to change. What it does mean is when they have those moments of clarity that they got to take big action steps because just wanting it and meaning it but not taking action on it, it's just not going to be enough. Let's see here. Carmen says, as a family recovery coach and counselor myself, I feel like such a failure, I can give advice except to myself. Keeping my brain and my heart in sync is crucial. I love what you're saying, Carmen. Keep my brain and my heart in sync, right? How many of us out there are like, Carmen? I'll raise my hand, right? You know, something in your head. But when those emotions get riled up enough, it overrides. And no matter what, you know, when you're faced with this situation, your emotions will take over at some points. And I'll tell you right now, Carmen, if it were. If it were in my house, I. I try to say to people all the time, you know, like, I never say, well, I would never do this. I never do that. Because I probably would. Because when you're in it, it's one of those things that when you're in the middle of it, when someone you love is going through that you really don't know how you're going to respond. Find I've been there. I've got. Come from an addictive family. I've got it every. On both sides. My mom's side and my dad's side. But I have not dealt with it with my own child, and I've not dealt with it with my own spouse. And I feel like even with what I've been through in my past, even with all the education I have, I feel like those are two totally different circumstances, which would be a whole different. A whole different ballgame. So I have much respect for anyone going through that and no judgment at all. Sandra says, I'm in recovery and wonder why he in recovery had a harder time with love, with the loving detachment. Man, if I have to work at mine, why shouldn't you? Hold on. Let me read that again. Sandra, I'm confused. Okay? I'm confused. Sandra, you're saying I'm in recovery, and I wonder why we in recovery have a harder time with the loving detachment. If I have to work at mine, why shouldn't you? Are you saying, like, as a person in recovery, understanding loving detachment is harder or are you saying it's hard as a person to recovery to understand why the family member while like the. Maybe like the codependent person or whatever, can't seem to understand that concept or work on theirs? I'm a little confused. Can you clarify that for me? That was. That would help a lot. Tea Leaf says I'm in love with an addict. Things have been very complicated. After a fight and some distance, it has been hard to get close again. He tells me he wants me, but ignores me and just works. Always. The thing about being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction problem, Tea Leaf, is as long as they're an active addiction, you can never be better than second because the addiction comes first. The addiction comes before any person and anything else in their life. That's what makes it addiction. And that's why it's so hard, especially to be in a romantic type relationship with someone who has an addiction. Because it's not that they don't love you and it's not that they can't care about anyone, but it's like they have to satisfy that addiction first before they can truly at least behave in a way that is loving and caring. Adult son went to rehab twice. Relapse recently. Back to rehab. Says we control. What do we do? We have a ton of videos on here about that, about how to be loving and supporting but not controlling. I'm not sure if your adult son, when he goes to rehab and he comes back home, does he come back home to your house? If so, that could be part of the complications. Because it's really hard, like I said, to have that front row seat and not get in there and want to or try to control things. See? Vicki says hi from England. Hey, Vicki. My dad says he's going to stop drinking so many times, but he never does. I'm at the point where he needs to get help or I need to leave. Is that fair? It's getting too much. I do think that that's fair, especially if you're making that decision for yourself. Vicki. If you say that to someone in a way that's like trying to threaten them to make them make the choice, I would call that like an ultimatum. Either you do this or I'm gonna leave. Probably not the best tactic. If in your heart, it's really like, I can't deal with this anymore. Like, if he doesn't make this change, I have got to back up, then I think that that's a healthy boundary. So it's kind of interesting because it's the same thing, but it comes from a different place and it has a different intention. And that intention is the difference between healthy and unhealthy. That's a great question. Hey, Barb. Barb says she can relate to combat compassion fatigue. And Marilyn says she's never heard of compassion fatigue, but it does make sense. Yeah, you can. You get wore out. The first time I heard that term, Marilyn, was when I worked. I worked in a psychiatric hospital a lot. And I learned that in relationship to like staff, like how nurses and counselors who work in those kinds of high turnover situations where you've got really sick people coming in and out, in and out. How easy it is to get compassion fatigue. And it really is. You just get, you just get exhausted from it. Sarah says, my husband's been sober from meth for six months and still not showing signs of humility or empathy towards me. We are meeting at his sac. I'm guessing that means substance abuse counsel counselor Sarah next week. Should I communicate my frustrations to her? Let's see. Signs of empathy or humility. It's hard for me to give you a good answer on that, Sarah. Sue without, like, more details about, about the situation. It takes a while sometimes for people in early recovery to be able to really acknowledge to that they know how much they hurt you. Most of the time they do know. It sometimes depends on the, the person's personality, attachment style, that kind of thing about whether or not they can be that vulnerable. The reason I say most time they know it is because usually they're able to communicate that to me as a counselor long before they're able to communicate that to the other person. And sometimes they don't communicate it because if they're afraid, if they open the conversation that it's going to leave room for you to be like, yeah, you did this or you did and sort of like reopen this big ugly can of worms that they're, that they're hiding from. And sometimes they just can't look at it yet because they're not well enough. And I will say this, I found that people in recovery from meth and I don't, I don't even know if like, this is scientific. I didn't read this anywhere. It's just my experience. I feel like it takes them longer to get back to their self. Like they have a lot longer. Like post acute withdrawal, they tend to struggle with depression longer and have a much harder time. I feel like getting back, like joy and hobbies and interest and excitement and energy. It, for me, it just seems like it's it takes longer than it does for for some of the other addictions. I could be wrong. I don't know what the science says. That's just my experience. All right, everybody, thank you so much for joining me. If I didn't get to your comment, I am so sorry. I see Brit on here. Here. Is that R? That's my dad. R, I think. Glad that you're here. And I will see you next Thursday. I'll put in the I did put the link in the description. If you want to download those nightly download those nightly recovery questions. And up next, I have for you more information about how to take a unhealthy relationship and move it into the healthy zone. See you next time.