“Help Your Addicted Loved Ones: THIS IS HOW!”

Hello. If you have an addicted loved one, this is definitely the video for you. Because we're going to be answering possibly one of your most asked, most important questions, which is exactly how far should you let a person with an addiction fall? How bad should the consequences be? When do you intervene? And how do you intervene? For those of you who are new to this channel, or to me or the video, I am Amber Hollingsworth. I am a master addiction counselor. And you are watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated exclusively for helping you understand the psychology of addiction so you can recover your loved ones and get back to living the life that you want to live. So if you're not already subscribed, I strongly encourage you to do so. And if you know someone else that probably needs this help and this type of, then be sure and share this video with them. Alright then, let's get straight into our topic. So, you know, you probably heard you've got to let your loved one hit bottom. You've got to let them experience the consequences of their actions. And those of you that have been around this channel for a while, and you know me, you know, I don't really think that you have to let people hit bottom because I kind of think bottom is death. So I really discourage people from waiting for people for their loved one to hit bottom. But I do think you have to let people experience the consequences of their actions. So this video is. Where do you find the balance? How far do you let it go? I think that if you're dealing with someone that has a substance abuse problem and you haven't let them, or for whatever reason they just haven't experienced, maybe it's not you stopping it, but the world, Sometimes the world does that for you. If they haven't experienced the consequences of their choices at all are barely a little, they're probably not going to change. I mean, think about it. We don't change things or behaviors, especially difficult changes, unless we're uncomfortable, unless things are kind of bad. So what I say is you gotta let that scale tip. Like the consequences have to outweigh the positives. So you, you definitely are not going to get through to someone who's using drugs and alcohol. And it is really just working for them. And there is a time period in someone's substance abuse career where it will be really working for them, particularly with alcohol or pain pills or whatever it is they're probably abusing or started using that substance because it was fixing some problem in their life. So for a while, it depends on that. While if you're wondering how long that is, it really depends on, like, what the drug is. I usually say all things that can be addictive will take you to the bottom. Some just take you faster than others. So it depends on how fast of a train you're on. But if you're trying to intervene in a time where it's working for them, like a lot of times this is the case for sometimes, like teenagers or college students or someone who's sort of in an earlier stage of a substance abuse problem. It's really difficult to get through to them. And so you do have to. The first thing you have to do is sort of back up and let some things happen. And we're gonna come back to that in just a second and explore maybe that little delicate balance and how to actually do that. But I want you to stop and think about this. Some people take this idea to such an extreme, and I get it. Like, you're being told this from everyone around you. You're probably being told this from other counselors. You're being told this from people in rec. Everyone else, you know, you cannot do anything for them. You cannot give them $5, don't pay for their phone, don't buy them something to eat, you know, let them be on the street. And I'm not saying that you absolutely should not do those things, but I want you to think about it critically. So in this video, I'm not really going to tell you, like, you have to do this or don't do this or let this happen, but not that. But I am going to give you a framework for a way to think about these issues. It's almost like a formula that you can sort of input the data from your situation into and. And that will help you make these types of decisions. So if you've got a loved one who's literally been living on the street for weeks and weeks and weeks or months or years, and they're literally out in the cold, they have nothing. And this has been going on a while. Guess what? No amount of consequences is getting through to that person. You see me leaning in here. You like that? I'm like, seriously, people think about it. It's like they've lost everything. They have no home, they have no shelter, they're cold, they're like, literally have no food. Like, if that's been going on a while and they're still not changing, then you probably need to take another direction if you're letting them do that. Because you've literally just sort of thrown your Hands up in the air. And you're like, I've tried everything. I just can't try anymore. Then. Then that's okay. Because sometimes you get to that point and sometimes there is nothing you can do. So I'm not saying, like, you have to go in and save them. But what I'm saying is if you're letting them stay out there like that because you're thinking that they're gonna come around to it, and it's already been going on for a long time, they're probably not gonna come around to it because their addiction is so strong. It's just over riding, overpowering. All of those consequences, like, just cannot get through to the person. So that's. That's where that balance of, you know that you need to do something different because that's just not working. Because that's what addiction is. It means using drugs or alcohol or engaging in a behavior despite the fact that all these bad things are happening because of it. Like, it does not make sense when someone's doing that for a long period of time. Like, and they just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. That's what addiction means. So the very definition of addiction means using despite consequences. So I don't exactly know where we've come up with this idea that, like. And people don't say consequences cure addiction. In fact, people tell you, like, consequences don't cure addiction. I'll tell you that. But then that same person out the other side of their mouth will tell you, like, well, don't help them. Like, you're gonna have to let it get really bad. So it's kind of like a mixed message. And so the reason is because the answer is sort of complicated. There does have to be consequences to it, but consequences don't really cure it. Sometimes consequences will be enough to get someone's attention that will make them think to themselves, like, this might be a little bit of a problem. You know, maybe I should do something. It'll open the window to change. It will not cause someone to change. So you do have to allow those consequences. And I told you earlier we would sort of talk about how to let that happen. Maybe if there's not been a whole lot, how to find your balance. So, like, in the past month or two, and this isn't abnormal, this is totally, like, normal stuff that we hear and see all the time. You know, we deal with families that call us a lot. And it's kind of funny. It's like. It's almost like confession. It's like they're like, they like, look down, they won't look you in the eye. And they're like, okay, I've been doing my kids homework. Like, okay, I've been super spying. Like, yes, I paid the traffic ticket. It's like they feel like this guilt about it and, and it's because it's this sort of push pull between. How far do you let them fall? If you're, let's say you're dealing with a kid and you're having to harp on them and nag them and check the parent portal and like literally force them and this could be in high school or college to do their work. Like, you're literally like going over their test material with them. Like, you're like forcing them to sit down with you and do that report or that extra credit because you're just trying to make them graduate. You're just trying to make them get that next credit. And you're like, if we could just get through, this would be okay. You need to stop doing that. Like, seriously, like, don't do that at all. Because that means you might be doing enough to like, keep them passing their classes. And that's a problem because if they keep passing their classes but you're always yelling at them and you're always on their case, the translation in that person's mind is they don't have a problem. They're doing just fine. Their only problem is you because you're screaming, nagging, raving, lunatic, driving them crazy. Like, literally, they see you as the problem because you're always harping on them, but you're ultimately fixing or pushing them hard enough to keep them out of the really hot water. So, like, if they get a legal charge, you help them get out of it. You make sure they pass their classes. You, you know, they went to a semester two of college and you've paid for it, and then you're paying for the next semester and you're like, okay, this time's it. But you've got to go to tutor or whatever. You've got to stop those things and let those types of things fall through the crack. Like I said, you've got to get that balance to shift. Those consequences have to get heavier than like, the cons have to get heavier than the pros. So it's more in those, those everyday arenas where you really need to sort of back up and let some consequences happen. I know it feels like, especially to parents, it feels like, oh, my God, I can't just let them not graduate high school. You know, I Can't let this thing get on the record and just like mess up their whole life forever. And I'm telling you, whatever those little things are can absolutely be fixed. I mean, okay, if like they're on trial for murder, okay, let's do something. But other than that, like a little possession charge, flunking biology class, like not graduating with your class on time, those things are absolutely fixable. And there's no reason why you should be intervening and trying to fix those things. In fact, letting those things fall through the crack might help the person see that maybe their life does have a little unmanageability and maybe whatever they're doing is causing a problem. But what you, what you don't necessarily have to allow is, like I said, those dangerous or harmful situations that's literally life threatening or that have been going on and on and on and on. Last week we did a video about whether or not you could give gifts to addicts or alcoholics. Because it's getting here close to Christmas time when you're watching this video. But as we're making it, it's pretty close to Christmas time. And I think someone put a comment on the video about. They have really been thinking about. They have a loved one who's struggling, who'd not had any hot water for like a long time, like months, I think, and they're like, you know, I really want to get them a hot water heater. Like, sometimes you gotta balance your own needs into the equation. And so if it's like killing you to know that they're literally freezing to death and you want to give them some warm clothes or socks on their feet or something like that, okay, do it. I'm not saying, you know, put them up in the Hilton and get them like massages and facials. We're not talking about that. I'm just saying, like, something that you can live with in your heart. Now, a lot of people in recovery will tell you it had to come to homelessness to get them to turn around. Sometimes there's nothing you can do about that. Sometimes you've got to let that go. And you hope that sort of it gets uncomfortable enough that they'll have a wake up call. And I think each person's tolerance for those things is a little different. So it's sort of like, how bad does it have to get? That really depends on what substance someone's using and what their personality is. Like, some people have a really high tolerance for pain. And those people tend to need to go further to the bottom. And as Strange as this might sound, a lot of times those people are people that sort of naturally have, like, a positive outlook or find the silver lining in things or are naturally pretty agreeable, it's like those really positive people, they have to go deeper because they have such, like, defense mechanisms that protect them from pain. And emotional pain is what I'm talking about, that they won't recognize it. They have to. Life has to get harder for them. Other people who tend to worry more, be more anxious, their threshold for that is, like, higher up. So they tend to. Not necessarily. They don't always have to go that far down. And like I said, the other thing that comes in that question is essentially what they're doing too. You know, how much are they numbing the pain? So these are all things that I really want you to take into consideration when you're making this decision. And if you're a family member and you're trying to decide, you know, things like, do I bail them out of jail? Do I get them off of the street? Do I, you know, feed them dinner? Do I pay for their cell phone? It's hard for me to tell you exactly the yes or no on each one of those cases, but if you can think strategically about it, if it's a cell phone issue, I don't have a strong opinion about that. A lot of times, especially parents, feel like they need to keep paying for the cell phone because it just makes their heart feel better to know that if the kid really needed them or they were ready to change, they could reach out. You're not going to make or break an addiction with that. So if you need to do it for you, do it now. Do know that a cell phone is the direct line. The cell phone is the drug dealer. Just so you know, like, in my mind, you. You got a cell phone, you got a drug dealer, but you're not gonna. You're not gonna make or break it. If your kid is not in your house and you're paying for their cell phone, it's like, okay, whatever. The one thing I will advise you to do, if you have an addicted loved one who is not living in your home, the one thing that you do not want to do is bring them into your home. That's. That's pretty solid. So I could tell you that I never say 100%, but I can say, like, 95 or whatever, don't bring them back into your home. The reason is, is because that's going to bring the chaos back into your life. And remember, this is a balance between your needs and their needs. Sometimes helping someone else a little bit from a caring, compassionate way, not too much, not fixing everything for them, but showing an empathetic approach that you care about them, that you love, want them, especially even emotionally being kind to them, that actually takes their wall down a little bit. It makes them less defensive. It takes that fear of judgment down. And they actually, that actually helps people come to the decision to change faster. So it's finding that balance. Allow them little consequences to fall through the cracks. Stop saving them from things that are irrelevant. Stop fixing the fact that their friends are mad at them. You know, stop calling their employer or their teachers and making up excuses for them. All that stuff you need to let fly, okay? What you want to do and how you interact with them is probably more important than all that stuff. The most important thing is for you not to be the bad guy. So you want to be kind and empathetic and non judgmental as much as possible. I realize you're human and we can only do so much, all of us, but let the natural consequences fall. If they're in jail or they're homeless, you can definitely offer to help them out, but it needs to be contingent on them either going to treatment, going to a recovery house, or doing something like that. I would not just go and fix that problem just to fix it. And then like, let's say if you say, okay, I'm gonna get you out of jail, but you, you come home, but you can't use drugs in the house, don't do that. That is not gonna work. That is ridiculous. You can definitely go get them out of jail, because I don't think prison makes addiction better, but it might make someone uncomfortable enough to agree to go to treatment. So you want to use it and leverage it for that kind of thing. I would not bring them back into the house, but I might would use that to get someone to get help. So someone's homeless and you say, you know, yes, I'll help you, but I'll help you get into treatment, or I'll help you get into program or sober living or a mission or something like that. Then that's totally appropriate to do a playlist on this YouTube channel. The entire playlist is about boundaries with people with substance use disorder. And it covers everything from enabling money, consequences, everything, you know, picking fights, all that kind of stuff. And you can watch that playlist and I'll put it for you right here at the end of the video. And I'll also put it for you in the description and in the comments. And if you really want some strategic one on one help, you can always schedule a consult with myself or one of our family addiction specialists to help you sort through that. You know, you don't have to be in therapy, you don't have to live close, but you might just need an hour consultation session to sort of say, this is my situation, what's my next move? And we can absolutely do that for you. If you're interested in that or you need that, you can find the link for that in the description below.