How Addiction Affects The Family

Amber Hollingsworth here, founder of Hope for Families Recovery center, where we specialize in all things related to family recovery. In this video, we're going to talk specifically to parents who have a teenager or a college age kid who's abusing drugs or alcohol. And there are also siblings, younger brothers and sisters in the house. Because you see when one person in a family system has a drug or alcohol problem, everyone in that family is impacted, especially the younger brothers and sisters. So I'm going to talk to you about five different ways that siblings typically respond to this issue and make sure and watch the video all the way to the end, because at the end I'm going to give you some suggestions about what you can do about it and how to respond to the situation. One of the most common and most dangerous ways that siblings respond to their brother or sister who has a drug or alcohol problem is, is that they will align with that sibling. So oftentimes the younger ones are watching this teenager or maybe young adult argue with the parents, go back and forth, disagree. And the younger sibling, if they're close to their brother or sister, may feel like, you know, when they're watching this thing from the side, they may feel like mom and dad are just mean to them. And so they may align with the sibling against the parents. The reason why this is so dangerous is because it's very common in a situation like this that that older sibling will introduce the younger sibling into using drugs and alcohol if they are not already. So they may smoke pot with them or drink with them occasionally. Because this teenager, young adult, they really don't see anything wrong with it and they don't see why it would be harmful maybe to their 15 or 16 year old brother or sister. So they may introduce it to them. And so now you've got a really bad situation on your hands. You've got one child with a drug or alcohol problem sibling who's falling right behind them and you've got teens. So now the kids are upset with the parents and that divide just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So that's one response that siblings have. Other times, the other children in the house get angry with the parents for continuing to put up with the one that's abusing drugs or alcohol to put up with their stuff. It seems like, you know, they're mad. They're like, why don't you just throw them out? Like, why do you put up with that? They're mad at the sibling because they feel like the sibling, their brother or sister, is mean to the parents. So these first two are what happens when they align really strongly with either the parent side or their brother or sister side. And either way can be pretty problematic because even when they're aligned with the parents, it might be a little safer, drug and alcohol wise, but it's a problem therapeutically because they're looking at it from a young person's brain and they may not understand the complications of the issue and why mom and dad keep trying. And those are things that are really hard to explain to a younger kid. A third way that the other children respond sometimes is that they begin to feel frustrated and upset and irritated because everything in the house revolves around their brother and sister and whatever problems or chaos or drama it's bringing into the house. So family holidays get ruined, vacations get cancelled, in important events don't get attended. You've got so much drama around one child's drug or alcohol problems and an addiction that's impacting the whole family. And sometimes the other kids get ticked off because it's like, hey, they're not the only person here. But when you have a child struggling with a drug or alcohol problem, you're quite naturally obsessed about it. You're fearful, you can't think about anything else. So all of your thoughts and efforts begin to surround that child that you're worried about. And sometimes to the point that it neglects to think about the needs of the other children in the house. That's a third way it can cause a problem. A fourth thing that we see sometimes, which is one that you probably wouldn't quite expect, is you get what we call like a hero response. So this is maybe a younger child in the house, or it could even be an older sibling in the house. But they're watching the drama and the chaos and they feel bad because there's always something wrong and mom and dad are always upset. So this child begins to sort of like subconsciously put all their needs on the back burner. It's like, I have to be so good because there's not room for me. There's not room for me to have problems, there's not room for me to mess up. So they turn into this hero child where they do everything perfectly. And you may, when you see this in your house, you may think, okay, good, like I've got one kid and they're doing great and this is not affecting them. But you'll know it when you see it because it seems almost like overly perfect or overly good. And it's, it's strange, it's kind of like, you know, most kids have some trouble or some attitude or some problems sometimes. And if you have this one that never has those troubles, it could be a subconscious reaction to all the conflict and drama and dynamic that's happening in the house. So those are just a few of the really common things or common ways that we see siblings respond to this issue. I guess you could call them sort of like maladaptive coping skills or defense mechanisms, or it's the way that they're processing it in their head and their young brains. So now I'm going to give you some helpful hints on what to do if any of those things are happening in your house. A lot of times parents say, should I make Sally or Jimmy or Craig go to counseling? And I'll say, no, you should offer it so you can say, hey, you know, this is impacting the whole family. You know, mom and dad are getting some help and they have counselors there if you'd like to talk to someone. But don't force them to go, even if you do feel like it's negatively impacting them or. Because if you force them to go, that's just one more negative impact. And they're going to perceive that as, okay, great, now I have to go to counseling because Mike's, you know, because Mike's a drug addict or whatever. So they're going to perceive that as one more nuisance and bad way that they're being impacted. So you offer it, but you don't force it. A second thing that's really important for parents in this situation to consider is sometimes it gets really bad and parents have to make some really big, difficult decisions and like, whether or not to kick their kid out or to not let them come back home or to give them an ultimatum like go to treatment or don't live here. And when that happens, I talk to parents a lot about, you can't make that decision until both parents are on board, because if something bad happens to that kid, your marriage will never survive it. So we talk a lot about that. I think I've got a video or two out there about that. But I also want to add in, if you've got a teenage or older sibling in the house, you may want to get them on board with this decision as well, because if they're not on board and something bad happens, they're going to blame the parents forever if something really bad happens to their brother or sister. So those big decisions where you really are taking a big risk and you don't know what to do, like putting them out of the house. It really should be a united family decision, if at all possible. Now, sometimes they're really just too young to understand that and to be involved in the conversation. But if they're old enough and they get it and they understand what's going on, they really should be involved in that family. That big decision about kicking them out is really best. If it's a united family decision and everybody says, no matter what happens, this is the decision we're making and we support each other. Okay? The last and very most important thing for you to remember is don't let one child's addiction run the entire show. Remember that you do have other children in the house and maybe they're being good and they don't seem like they need your attention. They need your attention. And they're gonna get it one way or the other. Some kids will start acting out and develop their own problems because you're not paying them attention. Other times in the hero situation, they act so good, they shove their own feelings and their own needs down so far. And that will manifest itself somewhere, even if it's in adulthood. So make sure you're taking into consideration everybody's needs. So even though it's really hard, you need to try and consider everybody's needs in the whole family. Really try hard not to let the whole family system, every holiday, every special event, revolve around this one kid. Whether they're going to be there or not, what they're going to do, the drama they're going to cause because it's not fair to everyone else. So hopefully this video was helpful for you and maybe you even know someone else who could also benefit from this video. Please give me a thumbs up. Let me know if you like it, if you disagree. So share it on your social media and maybe you'll even be helping other families out there. 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