How Addicts and Alcoholics Use Gaslighting to manipulate you into thinking you're crazy.

If you've got an addicted loved one, this is definitely the video for you because we're going to be talking about gaslighting. And that is where your loved one, your addicted loved one will make you feel like you're crazy. And so what we're going to talk about specifically is I'm going to give you five ways that your addicted loved one goes about making you feel like you've sort of lost your sanity or you question yourself, you doubt yourself. They really just sort of throw you off balance to the point that you question everything. And so we're going to look at, like, five ways. These are not the only ways, but these are the really big common ways that you're going to see an addict or an alcoholic use these techniques against you. Because I want you to be able to spot gaslighting when it's happening so that you can really maintain your balance and your composure. And you just don't let it throw you off course. Because that's what addiction does, is it just makes you want to sort of spin in every different direction. And so that you really. You're just chasing all these different things. You can't focus in on what you want to focus in on or need to focus in on. And as long as it's got you spinning, it's going to be winning. All right. Hey, Weston. Hey, Vicki. Hey. Hey, Barbara. Thank you for joining us. So the last one, make sure you watch this whole video, because the last one I'm going to give you is probably going to be the most surprising of the gaslighting techniques. It's one you might not have saw coming or that you really might not recognize when it's happening. The first really common way. And as I go through these, if you've ever experienced these, if someone's ever tried to gaslight you in this way, I totally want to hear about it. Let me know about it. And if you think of some that I'm not saying, definitely add those into the comments because you're going to be helping other people recognize Spot. Oh, my gosh. Like, that happened to me, too. And then they can. That's just another thing they can recognize. Hey, Sarah. So the first and sort of like, most common way that you see gaslighting is always, like, when you find the evidence, right, that your loved one has been using or drinking. You find the pills, you find the bottles hitting at the bottom of the trash can. You find whatever it is, it's like the physical evidence of it. And you call them out on catch them. What is it that they say. They say that's old. That's been there. The most classic answer is, I was holding that for a friend, right? So you get all these answers and then you know good and darn well that that isn't old because, you know, you've been snooping and spying, even though I've been telling you guys not to. You know, you've been doing it anyways because you almost can't help it. Like when you walk by, you just. It's almost like a call. It's almost like an obsessive compulsive checking kind of thing that you've been doing. So I know you know that wasn't there because you're. That's what family members said to me. They're like, I know that wasn't there because I looked in there. But your loved one will be so, like, emphatic about it that you will start to be like, whoa, maybe it was and I missed it. Maybe I didn't see it. And you just, it just completely makes you feel discombobulated. That, like, it's been there and it's old. Those are the two ones I hear people with drug and alcohol problems use on their loved ones. So common. It's just, it's just all the time. Let me know in the comments. Have you, have you ran across this before? Because I'm almost guessing for sure that you have. Hey, Ashley. Ashley says, my husband does this all the time. Let me put it up here so you guys can see what Ashley's saying. My husband does this all the time. I find syringes on the floor in the bathroom in our bedroom. And he'll tell me they are all. He'll tell me they're all. But I, I clean the house every day and I see the marks on his arm. Right? But the thing of it is, Ashley, is that they'll, like, be so emphatic about it and not. And then if they can't convince you that way, then they'll just switch the topic. And so they'll say, you're just always overreacting. You're crazy. And that's why I use anyway, Right? They'll just completely deflect by switching the topic. If they can't sort of throw you off and make you believe, like, oh, that was somebody else's, or it was there the whole time or it was old or whatever it is that they're trying to tell you. And it's like you're literally physically. The evidence is right in front of your eyes and they will make you question it. The second thing that someone in active addiction is going to make you question, they're going to make you question your reactions, your emotional reactions to things. And the way that they're gonna do this is they're gonna tell you that you're reacting wrong and that you're totally blowing this up way bigger than it should be. If you've got a. Like a. A teen or a college student who's using, then they may tell you, oh, my gosh, like, you're so, like, uptight, like, no one else's parent cares about this all, like, what is wrong with you? And then you start questioning, like, am I being uptight? You know, they'll tell you, everyone does this. It's not that big a deal. Those kinds of things. If you're dealing with, like, a spouse or a partner or something, they'll usually minimize. And I know this because this is what they tell me in my office, like, every day. They'll minimize what their spouse or partner is telling them about the problem by saying something like, oh, they just overreact because their brother was an addict or, oh, my gosh, you know what? She's just being. She's got all these friends and her sister, and they're going through a divorce and. And her sister's husband's alcoholic, and they're just talking about all the time. And that's why she overreacts on this. So it's like saying, why are you being so crazy about this? Like, this isn't that big of a deal. That's the second one is to make you feel like maybe you are just getting too upset about it and maybe you are overreacting to the situation. Hey, A, she says that happens all the time. So. So really discounting your reaction. And then you start to question, well, maybe. Maybe I'm overreacting. The third way that's really common that addicts and alcoholics will gaslight you is that they will split people against you. So they'll basically tell all these other people in their life how crazy you are, how. How controlling you are, how nagging you are, how tight you are, and they'll pit everyone against you. So not only is this person constantly, like, telling you you're crazy and that what you know is true isn't true, and that you're not seeing what you're seeing, but then you start to sense these vibes from other people in your life, you know, from other family members and friends who are just responding to you differently and reacting to you differently. And You. And you don't even know a lot of times that that splitting is going on behind the sc and it's really discombobulating. It really throws you off. And that really takes that. That sense of maybe I am overreacting, maybe this isn't happening, and it just gasolines and sets it on fire. Because now other people think that you are overreacting. So now they've got this whole, like, group of minions out there supporting them, helping them to gaslight you. Now, a lot of times those minions, they don't really know that they're being split against you. They don't really know the behind the scenes of all that, but happens all the time. Has it happened to you? Let me know. I know it happens because when I get clients in my office, the first thing they try to do is split me against the loved one. Yeah, that's the first thing they try to convince me how awful their loved one is. Always almost like 100 of the time. Maybe not 100. Like 98%. A lot. Okay. Crystal says, absolutely. And Cindy says, oh, my gosh. Hearing you say it helps me feel so much better. Oh, yeah. Cindy, I promise you, this is so common that if you got an addicted loved one, these things have happened to you. All right, the third one. And these ones, I'm telling you, almost like, compile on each other. It's like, first they do this, and then they do this, and then they do this. This fourth one here that they do is that they will provoke you to anger. So if they can't get you to over, if you're not already overreacting, so that they can accuse you of overreacting, they will cause you to overreact. They exactly what your buttons are, and they will hit them with the sledgehammer on purpose. They'll push you and push you and push you. They'll back you into a wall until you lose it. Until you say things you really wish you wouldn't have said until you physically lose it. Right? Until you start wrestling your kid down, trying to, like, wrestle their cell phone, other hand. Or you. You get into this, like, wrestling match with your loved one, trying to get this drug away from them. Or. Or you just lose it and you just spout off, like, some really horrible stuff. Like, you just totally melt it down, and then you feel terrible about it after, and you're like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I did that. You have all this shame and regret, and you feel terrible about it, and then they'll use that against you. The next time. So they'll provoke it out of you, and then they'll make you feel guilty about it on purpose the next time and the next time and the next time. Well, I can't forgive you because you said that or you did this one thing, and it might be maybe they provoked you, and you said something like, you know, to your kid, like, you're just gonna be a failure for your whole life. You're never gonna amount to anything. So you said that they'll use that against you, and they'll be like. And they'll just tell everyone that they meet around you that you told them that. And then everyone's gonna think, oh, my gosh, what kind of mom would tell their kid that? You know? And they don't tell the part where they just pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and backed you into that corner. And, okay, maybe you said the one thing that you really wish you wouldn't have said, but if you took that one thing that you did in reaction to all that stuff that was going on and you compared it to the bad things that they've done, it doesn't even get on the Richter scale. But they'll take that one little thing that you did that you regret, and they'll just accept. Exploit it for everything that it's worth. I mean, they'll bring it up, I'm talking about for years. Like, you're not gonna get forgiven for it. You know, it's just gonna use it against you. And so if that's happening, you have to figure out how to disempower that one thing. You have to address it and move on and not let it be used as a weapon against you. Over and over and over. Let's see. Crystal says, my mom tells everyone she's the victim. Totally classic. That's almost always the case. Nancy says, thank you for saying this. It is so painful. It really is. And that it makes you just question, like, well, did it happen that way? Why did I do that? And that kind of thing. Now, this last one, this fifth gaslighting technique is slightly different than those other four. It's kind of the opposite. The fifth way that they'll gaslight you is they'll be really nice to you and pleasant, polite. And so they'll show you their good side. When it's convenient and when it serves their purpose, they'll show you that, like, really good side of themselves. And then that really makes you question it, right? Because you're like, gosh, you know, maybe I was too mean. Maybe I was too hard on them. They're so sweet. And so they, you know, they do all this other stuff over here to kind of play, you know, to. To push your buttons. Then they come over here and they just play like a sweet little angel. And that's almost like the worst thing they can do. And they'll show you sort of their old selves. And it kind of pulls you back into this thinking where you really like. It just reminds you of who they are. It's not a bad thing, but usually it's very purposeful when they show you these parts. Like, for example, if they've gotten in, like, a lot of trouble and they've gotten busted with something, they'll usually say, they'll know, what's that one thing that you've been wanting them to do? Like, okay, you know what? You're right. I do have a big problem. I'll get a sponsor. I know I've needed to do that. Because they know what you've been like, dying to hear. Or, okay, I will go talk to that counselor, or I will go to meetings, whatever it is that you've been wanting them to do. And they'll offer that up. So they'll sort of concede and agree to do something, and they'll be nice and show insight about it. And that's the other thing that's just controlling your emotions all the time. Some of you have heard me talk about it. It's like. It's like it's a puppet master up here. You know, the addiction controls the person, and it also controls all the people around that person. And so you. You've got to realize how it's controlling you, how it's pushing your buttons and almost just cut those strings so that you get back in control of your own emotions and your own life and that you can make. You guys know what I'm gonna say here. Strategic decisions about how to address it. And you're not just emotionally reacting to everything. And that's. That's how they get you, is because they get you in this such an emotionally charged state that you can't think clearly. And you do, and you say things and you question and you're impulsive. And that's ultimately. It's this state of mind that they get you in. And the longer it goes on, the crazier you feel and the more emotionally reactive that you are. And your sense of self esteem goes so far down in your sense of self worth. And you really eventually do turn into this person that's not yourself. And that even more makes you question what's going on. And it's just a horrible, terrible cycle that goes around and around. All right, we're going to take a couple of comments and questions. Let's see here. Let's see what Meg says. Meg says spouse kept showing me his phone. See, I'm not calling those numbers. The dealers, etc. One morning, getting ready for work, he. He fell asleep on the couch, got up to go to bed. I misplaced my phone. His was there. I picked up my phone, and I picked up to call and found mine. There were hundreds of extra text and text me app right there. Mocking how he fooled me. How to use the app instead of the text phone, details about where, what they were doing, confronted him. He blew up, making it my fault. How dare I check his phone. Oh, my gosh, Meg, you could have read that out of the addiction. Textbook. Classic, right? They're showing you. They'll show you certain things, acting like they're being transparent, you know, when they're not. They'll show you receipts or bank account statements or their phone, but they're just showing you these little pieces strategically. See, there's the thing. They're strategic. They're pushing your buttons in a certain way, in a certain order in this exact right sort of strategic system. They're controlling you or the addiction is. And so if they could do that, you can do that too. You can back up and get smart about what's going on and not let this control you. Dion says, I have been gaslight from other recovery coaches, so I started a class on anxiety and PTSD to educate. Oh, you're saying, Dion, you're saying, like, you've. Like you've experienced this from other recovery coaches. Wow. You know, that's kind of sad, actually. Goodness. Let's see here. How do you respond when they do this? I think the biggest key here is to be able to center yourself and trust your judgment and just not get sucked into it. Because what they really want is for you to question your sanity, be emotionally reactive, do and say things that you know you should not do, and say. So you're just gonna hold your steady. It's like, I think I have this. This masterclass, which you can get to, by the way, if you want. It's like a workshop on how to have productive conversations with your loved one. But anyway, one of the things in there that I talk about is calm should be your default. Like, if you. Your p. Positive or neutral. That's what I always say. It just doesn't Work on you. And eventually they'll quit trying because it doesn't work. Let's see. Ashley says it's so hard to cut the tie when this is happening. I feel like I can't breathe and my stomach starts to burn, like I'm going to explode. Ashley, when this happens, are you saying, like, cut the ties in, like, permanently? Like, I need this first time in my life, or are you saying more like step back, detach? Maybe you just need to exit the conversation, which is a very good strategy, by the way. Like, if this is happening and you feel that bubbling up thing going on, exit the conversation. You don't have to have it. And they may follow you around the house and try to provoke you. Leave the house. A lot of times we'll want them to leave, which is fine. Ask them to leave. If they won't leave, you leave. When I was a teacher, I used to be a teacher. Some of y' all know that. And then I also, after I was a teacher, I worked in a psych hospital on the adolescent ward. And so, like, let's say I'm running a group or a class, and this one kid is, like, acting up or doing something inappropriate. And I maybe I ask them to leave the group for whatever reason or the classroom, and they refuse. And they just stand there and they argue with you. You know what the best thing to do then is ask the rest of the people to leave. And then they're just standing in there by themselves. So if they won't leave and they're continuing to badger you, you leave. Just get distance from it. Whatever you need to do to do that. Paige says my stepdad doesn't realize that his son does this to himself and everyone around him. I just happen to sit back and watch. He doesn't fool me. And what Paige is saying is like she's watching someone else in the family gaslight some another person. And what can be the most frustrating is when you can see it, but someone else can't see it. And you're trying to convince them to see it. And then this other person, they just. They're just maybe in denial about it or they just can't or won't see it for certain reasons. Then they'll again try to make you feel like you're overreacting or you're not being nice or you won't forgive them. You know, they'll tell you things like that that make you second guess your own judgment. Okay, everybody, thank you so much for hanging out. I have a whole series on manipulation and I'm going to put it up for you guys to watch next, which goes into all of these little things I talked about in more detail. And also, if you watch those videos, you can get my guide for families on the manipulation tactics. Okay, See you guys next Thursday.