How Avoidance Kills Relationships

Sometimes the thing that seems like it's kind or looks nice on the outside is actually the thing slowly destroying the relationship. Now, I'm not talking about real kindness. Real kindness is good. Real kindness cares about the other person. It thinks about timing, tone, and impact. What I'm talking about is avoidance dressed up as kindness. The kind of nice that says, I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want to start a fight. I thought it would be better not to say anything. Or I was just trying to keep the peace. And listen, sometimes letting something go, it's exactly the right move. Not every little thing needs to become a conversation. But if something keeps happening, if it keeps bothering you, if it keeps costing the relationship, like if resentment is building, then avoidance is not keeping the peace. It's actually just postponing the damage. And that is what this video is all about. It's about how silence builds resentment, about how avoidance destroys trust, and how to tell the difference between being kind and being nice in a way that slowly kills the relationship. Now, sometimes you'll hear people say things like, well, we never fight. And yeah, sometimes that's a wonderful sign. Maybe the relationship is just emotionally safe. Maybe both people are honest. Maybe they deal with things early, or they know how to disagree without attacking each other, and that is healthy. But sometimes we never fight. It's not a sign of peace. It's a sign that nobody is saying the hard thing. It can mean one person has learned that it's not worth bringing things up. And it can mean that both people avoid discomfort. It can mean that sometimes problems go underground instead of getting repaired, or that resentment is building quietly. So when someone says we never fight, I always want to know, is that because there's real peace or is that because there's a lot of silence? Because those two are not the same thing. Real peace means we can talk about hard things without destroying each other. Fake peace means we don't talk about hard things because someone will shut down, blow up, deny it, punish me, or make it not worth the trouble. Now that is a very different kind of relationship. And fake peace, it's expensive because avoiding the conversation does not make it disappear. It turns into distance. It turns into resentment, into anxiety. It turns into a life of feeling like you're walking on eggshells. It turns into little comments with a sharp edge. I call it the drive-by knifing, sort of passive-aggressive, right? It can turn into emotional withdrawal or into a, I'm fine, When you are absolutely not fine. And eventually it turns into distrust because trust is not just about whether someone lies. It's also about whether someone can face reality with you. Can we talk about what's happening? Can we repair something after things go wrong? Can we bring up a problem before it becomes a crisis? And can we tell the truth without everything having to fall apart? That is trust. That's real trust. Avoidance, it chips away at that just a little at a time. Now, I want to make an important distinction here because I'm not saying that you need to confront every single little thing that bothers you. That's not healthy either. And some people use honesty as an excuse to nitpick, criticize, and dump every feeling on the other person. You'll know this because they say hurtful things and they say, well, that's just the honest truth, or I was just being honest. To me, that's using honesty as a weapon. That's not what we're talking about here. There are plenty of times when letting something go is actually the best thing for the relationship. If something happens once, if it bothers you a little, if it's unlikely to come up again, and it doesn't violate your values, safety, trust, or well-being, maybe just let it go. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe it was awkward. Maybe it was not worth turning into a whole big thing. Healthy people, they don't address everything. But here's a little filter to help you decide which is which. If it's a pattern, you need to address it. If it keeps happening, you need to address it. If you keep thinking about it later, you might need to address it. If it keeps affecting trust, money, parenting, safety, recovery, intimacy, or emotional connection, you probably need to address it. Especially if resentment is building, you need to address it because at that point, silence is not Maturity. You're not doing the mature thing. You're really just being avoidant. Letting something go is healthy when it's a one-off. Avoiding it is dangerous when it's a pattern that's going to keep happening. That's sort of the line in the sand that really matters, because a lot of people convince themselves that they're choosing their battles when really they're avoiding the same battle over and over again. They're not letting it go. They're Storing it up. And trust me, stored resentment always finds a way out. It'll come out as sarcasm or coldness. It can come out as snapping over something really small or as just not wanting to be as close. And a lot of times it'll come out as scorekeeping, and eventually it might come out as exploding over something that looks minor, but actually The 100th version of the same thing that you've been avoiding. That's why avoidance is so sneaky. It looks calm on the outside, but inside pressure is building. And when it finally comes out, the other person says, where the heck is this coming from? And then you're thinking, are you kidding me? This has been happening for months. But from their point of view, maybe they didn't know, or maybe they knew what they thought silence meant. It was fine. That's the other problem with avoidance. Silence is easy to misunderstand. One person thinks, I'm being patient, and the other person thinks, it must not matter. One person thinks, I'm trying not to start a fight, and the other person thinks, I guess we're okay. One person thinks, I shouldn't have to say this, and the other person is thinking, if it mattered, they would say something. And now both people are living in different realities. This kind of thing happens in all types of relationships. Talking about marriages, families, adult children, parents, friendships, work relationships, and it definitely happens in families dealing with addiction. Someone avoids bringing up the drinking. Someone avoids talking about the relapse. Someone avoids the money problem. Someone avoids the broken promise conversation. They avoid the weird feeling that something is off. Someone avoids saying things like. I don't trust you right now. And usually the reason sounds reasonable, like, I don't want to make it worse, or they'll get defensive, or they already had a bad feeling, or it's not a good time, or we just had a good day. I don't want to ruin it. But if the issue is a pattern, avoiding it does not protect the relationship. It protects the moment. That's the difference. Niceness protects the moment and kindness protects the relationship. Niceness asks, how do I avoid upsetting anyone right now? Kindness asks, what truth needs to be handled with care? You see, that's the big difference. And yes, kindness can still be uncomfortable. It may still make the other person unhappy. It can still lead to hard conversations, but discomfort is not automatically damage. Sometimes discomfort is the doorway to repair. The goal is not to create more fights. The goal is to stop letting important things go underground, because a relationship can survive hard conversations, but what it usually cannot survive is long-term fake peace, the kind where everybody acts like things are fine, but nobody feels safe, close, honest, or connected. So what do you do if you are an avoider or If both of you tend to avoid hard conversations, one of the best things you can do is stop waiting for the perfect moment because avoiders almost never find the perfect moment. You wait until things are calm, then you don't ruin the calm. You wait until you feel less emotional, then you talk yourself out of it. You wait until they seem ready, then they're tired, distracted, stressed, or defensive. So the conversation never happened. This is why I like the idea of a regular relationship check-in. Now, this doesn't have to be dramatic. It can be 30 minutes once a week or an hour once a month, whatever makes sense for your relationship. But the point is that you can create a regular doorway to the truth, a planned time where both people show up with a few things they want to say. And pro tip here, I would not make this only about problems. That's important. Start with what's working. What happened this week that you appreciated? What did the other person do that really helped? Where did you feel connected? What do you want more of? And then each person brings one thing they want to improve, address, or even better understand. Not 10 things, not a giant emotional backlog. One thing. The structure here matters because if a serious conversation only happens when something is wrong, then serious conversations start to feel threatening. But if you regularly talk about what's good and what needs work, hard conversations become less like an emergency and more like maintenance. And if you know that one or both of you tends to get defensive, make that part of the conversation too. Like, for example, ask, what's the best way to bring something up with you when I'm afraid it might make you defensive? Or you could say, what helps you stay open instead of shutting down? Or what makes you feel attacked? Or what do I do that makes conversations harder? What do you need from me when I'm bringing up something uncomfortable? Those kinds of questions are powerful because they're not just talking about the issue. They're talking about how to talk about the issue. And that is a big relationship skill. And for avoiders, it can be a real game changer because the hardest part is often just starting the conversation. So build a starting place into the relationship. Now, that does not mean every check-in will go perfectly. Of course not. People are people. Sometimes people will get defensive no matter how hard you try. Sometimes they'll still shut down, and someone may still say everything all wrong. But the more you practice telling the truth sooner, smaller, and with more care, the less likely things are to build up until they come out all sideways. That's the real goal. Tell the truth sooner, tell it smaller, and tell it with care and kindness. Sooner means you don't wait until resentment has taken over. Smaller means you bring up the pattern before you have a courtroom full of evidence, before you get the PowerPoint out. And with care means your goal is connection and repair, not punishment. For example, instead of saying, you never care about anything I say, you might say, I'm noticing I've brought up things a few times and we haven't really dealt with it. I don't want this to keep building resentment between us. Or like, instead of saying, you always avoid everything, You might say something like, I know that this is uncomfortable, but I think avoiding it is starting to create distance. So instead of saying, you're impossible to talk to, you might say something like, I want to find a way to bring things up where we can both stay in the conversation. Now, that doesn't guarantee the other person will respond well, but it does give the conversation a better chance. Now, I need to say this next part really clearly. This advice is for relationships where both people can participate in a respectful conversation. If bringing things up tends to lead to intimidation, threats, or unsafe behavior, that is a different situation. In that kind of situation, you may need support or a safety plan. You probably need to be careful about when and where and how you bring things up. So don't use this as a replacement for safety. But in relationships where avoidance is the main pattern, where people shut down, dodge, delay, smooth things over, or pretend things are fine, The answer is not to fight more. The answer is to create a healthier way to tell the truth because the truth is going to come out eventually. The only question is whether it comes out as a conversation or as a resentment, as a repair or as distance, and honestly, as a blowup in 3 months from now. So here's the question I want you to ask yourself. What is the one thing you keep calling not a big deal that's actually becoming a bigger deal because you keep avoiding it? And then ask. If it's a one-time issue, then hey, maybe just let it go. That can be wise. But if it's a pattern, avoiding it is not protecting the relationship. It's letting the resentment build with interest, and eventually that debt comes due. If you want help starting these kinds of conversations, I made a free guide for you. It's called the Relationship Check-In Guide. It gives you a simple template for deciding what to let go and what to bring up and how to start hard conversations before resentment builds. You can grab it in the link below this video. And if this made you think of someone who keeps calling avoidance keeping the peace, share this with them, because sometimes people need to hear this. If you have to stay silent to keep the peace, that's not peace. That's emotional debt that's over there collecting interest. And sooner or later, the relationship is going to pay for it. All right, everybody. I'll see you next time. Remember, we release new videos every Tuesday and we're live every Thursday at 1:00 if you want to join the conversation. I'll see you soon.