How can I support my addicted loved one when I'm filled with Anger Hurt and Resentment?

Amber, you tell us to be positive, give positive support and feedback. You. You want us to do all these things, but how in the world am I supposed to get past my hurt, anger, and resentment in order to do those things? I mean, they've done some pretty crappy things in the past. And I keep trying to do what you're telling me to do, but those bad feelings can keep popping up. Those are some questions, or that's actually a question that I get in a lot of different versions very frequently. And so today, I'm going to be answering that question for you. But before I do, I'm going to put up my new little video intro up here. You guys tell me what you think about it. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track. Get back out there and live the life that you want to live. I want you to know you are not powerless. You do not have to hit rock bottom. And there are many things you can do to help an addicted loved one. If you want to be back in control of your life, subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. And don't forget, hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episod. All right, back to our topic. Did you guys like the new intro? Let me know in the comments or in the chat. If you like the new intro, give me a thumbs up. If you like the old one better, give me a thumbs down and maybe we'll put it back to the old one. All right, so I want to show you a couple of actual questions that have come into me, either through an email or through comments on the videos where people are asking me this question. I actually got another email asking me almost the same exact question this morning. I didn't even have time to add it for you, but it's a pretty common issue. So this person sent me this question says, how do I master the willpower to tell myself that what happened does not matter, that only moving forward matters? That is truly what I want. I guess, like you said, it's not fair. It will never be fair, but maybe it will become bearable. I want you to try to forget that the bad things have happened, because you can't forget that the bad things have happened. One of the first things you got to do is you got to realize, do I want to try to fix this, or do I need to take a break from this? Because I'm going to be honest with you, not every single situation is a situation that you need to stay in or that you need to try to save. That's just the truth of it. So the first thing is, is this something, a relationship that's worth trying to save? And you're the only one that's going to know the answer to that. Now, if this is your spouse that you're talking about, then you can kind of say, you know, if my spouse gets better, is this worth saving? And you can answer that question. If this is your kid, it's a little bit more complicated. Because if it's your kid, it usually is kind of the answer to that is almost always yes. This is worth salvaging this relationship and this person. So I don't want you to forget the past. So, but I do want you to ask yourself, do I want to fix this? Is it worth it? Like, if. If this gets better, well, I'll be glad I did all this. Okay. If you decide that the answer to that is yes, then I want you to think about. There's just a few things I want you to think through as far as how do I get past my emotions? You're not going to forget, and you may not even be ready to forgive just yet. But what I can tell you is if you start changing the way that you interact with your loved one in the ways that we talk about on these videos, in the ways that we talk about inside the invisible intervention course, then a few things are going to happen. First and foremost, it may not make them stop their addiction immediately, but it will almost immediately get them to change how they're interacting with you. Because you're going to stop the yelling, screaming, nagging, ultimatums, punishing, reminding them they're a failure. You're going to stop all that, and you're going to start interacting with them different. If you're following the plan that I teach, and it doesn't make the addiction go away immediately, it will greatly increase the chances that the addiction that they'll eventually beat that addiction. But it does almost immediately change how they interact with you. And the reason that's important is because that goes a long way to helping you get past the old bad feelings, Right? Because if you're trying to be nice to someone or you're trying to think positively towards someone, and you're trying to support them and that kind of thing, but they're still acting really negatively towards you, it's like a constant reminder. And it's hard to get past those bad feelings and hurt feelings. So. But most of the time, if you change the way you interact with someone, they'll change the way they interact with you. Most of the time, if they don't or they can't, maybe it's. They can't do it yet. I mean, I gave a little time, but if you think the person doesn't have it in them to change the way they interact with you at all, then I want you to refer back to question number one. Is this relationship worth salvaging? But most time, if we treat others with kindness and respect, like I said, the addiction may not quit, but they'll interact with us different. And that makes it so much easier. This the second thing or the next thing that I really want you to think about when it comes to how do I get over these hurt bad feelings is I want you to consider changing how you see the whole situation. Because right now you're probably seeing the situation as hopeless. You're probably seeing the situation as either they're a victim or you're a victim. Right? And our mindset determines our reality. And if you're, if you can't see a vision for the future where things are different, maybe that vision is that this other person gets over their addiction and the family can restore trust. It doesn't happen magically, but let's say you can work through it and you get there. Then if you can imagine that future, the chances that it can happen are a lot better. And maybe if you're not even ready to get there. But can you imagine you being better? Can you imagine you being back to your old self and not being consumed by anger, rage, resentment and guilt? Okay, because you ultimately, you want to change the way you're interacting with them for two reasons. To help them and to help you. And they're both good reasons. And the good news is, is changing these interactions actually helps them and helps you. But you really have to change your viewpoint on it. You've got to stop listening to negative statistics. You've got to stop listening to people around you that tell you people don't change. You got to stop listening to people tell you can't change other people because it ain't true. People get better from this thing all the time. A lot of people get better from this thing on their own, naturally. Believe it or not, most people do. And there are many things you can do to help change someone else. And regardless whether you can change them or not, you can Change you. You can change your life circumstance, you can change how you feel and doing the things that I teach you to do actually does both at the same time. So you really kind of get a double dose. The reason is, is because you can't let their addiction suck you in to depression, anxiety, and negativity. It's. It's called being in the pit. Campbell, our family therapist, a lot of you guys know Campbell, she calls it being in the trough. You got to decide do you want to stay in that trough? So whether, even if you're so dang ticked at them, you can't act right towards them for their sake, can you? Act right, because it's the right thing to do. Because you don't want to keep dwelling on those feelings. Because you've got to move forward. Even if you choose to leave that relationship, you are still going to have to, or I guess you don't really have to, but you really should consider, you got to move forward with that. If you stay stuck and grounded in those really bad things that have happened, you're going to ruin your whole life. So when I, when I'm telling you to do these things, I'm not just saying to do it just because do it for them. I'm saying do it for you, do it for them, do it for the whole family, and do it regardless of whether or not they change or not. That doesn't mean you have to stay regardless of whether or not they change or not. But these ways of behaving are just right ways of behaving it. Honestly, there's nothing that I ever tell you to do that doesn't work in any relationship that you have. This is not the right way to do things in general because. Right. It's about being respectful of other people. It's about understanding your side of the street and someone else's side of the street. It's about giving someone else or the benefit of the doubt and giving someone else the benefit, you know, the benefit of that they can figure this out and that they can change positively reinforcing other people. There's nothing that I tell you to do that I wouldn't tell you to do in any situation. At work, at home, at school, and with a friend. And when you, when you interact with other people like that, you feel better about you. You ultimately feel better about them. And usually they start treating you different, which even helps the whole situation feel better. So it kind of starts to, like, get momentum. It kind of compounds in on itself usually. Now what can happen is, is you can try some of these behaviors and these things like we teach, like inside the invisible intervention and stuff. And you can start to see some changes in the way that they interact with you. But then you will see breakthrough times where their behavior will go back. Whether it's they're using or addictive behavior, or it's just even how they interact with you. You will see moments where they go backwards. And your job in that moment is not to get. I call it getting back on the roller coaster with them. Just because they go backwards, you don't go backwards. If you don't go with them, they won't stay very long. Okay, so let me put up the next version of this same kind of question, because you can see it really is sort of the same question, but written in a slightly different way. Here we go. I guess my biggest stumbling block is getting over the resentment, the horrid incidences when I was rejected and humiliated and deeply hurt by my addicted loved one. I want to do my best, but there's a dark patch of pain and fear. How am I supposed to reconcile the past with the invisible intervention? And so to this question, like, you can see this is a different person that sent me this question as the other one. But it. It's kind of saying the same thing, isn't it? Because. Because a lot of people have this thought and concern, how do you move out of the pain and the fear? That's something you need to do regardless of the other person for yourself. Because if you keep yourself stuck in the trough, in the pain and in the fear, you're. You're ruining your whole life. And not only that, but you're messing up everyone's life who's connected to you. Because how you feel, what's going on in your life impacts the lives of all the other people that are in your close circles at work, Your friendships, your family. Because our mood is contagious, our thinking is contagious. And so if you can't do it for them and can't do it for you, then think about the other people that count on you, right? Like maybe you have other children or. Or you have workmates, or maybe you do some really important work and you need to be engaged and focused on that work because there are other people depending on you. So whatever. The biggest motivator for you is, pick that. Those of you who are watching, let me know in the comments or in the chat, let me know for you. What's the biggest motivator? I'm doing this because I really, really want my Loved one to change. I'm doing this because I gotta do this for myself. I'm doing this because the right thing to do. I'm for the other people that I care about. My family, my workmates, my clients, whoever else that's involved. Let me know what thing is the biggest motivator for you. Because sometimes you get so dang ticked at that other person that you're like, well, you don't deserve that, or how, you know, you, why am I being nice to you? Because you've acted like a punk. But that's not the only reason to act that way towards them. You ultimately, when you act ugly towards that other person, you feel this bizarre, like, combination of righteousness and dignity and guilt. Because it's kind of like you feel this guilt immediately because you behaved in a way that's not congruent with who you are. But then you sort of justify that by telling yourself, well, they had it coming or they deserved it, or I'm giving them peace dose of their own medicine or whatever like that. You convince yourself of why that's okay. And I might point out to you that that is the exact same process that they go through the person with the addiction goes through to justify their own actions and their own behaviors and their own sort of reactions to you and what you're putting out there. Relationships are a system. If you change you, you change the whole dynamic. There's no way around it. So I'm hoping that thinking about it that way might help you to make the choice to think different, behave different, because it will ultimately make you feel different. It will make the people around you feel different. It will make everybody interact differently. So I don't really see there's not a whole lot of downside to it. Occasionally I get the question, like, well, if I'm being nice to them, doesn't that kind of communicate that I support their choices? Doesn't. Isn't that kind of like, enabling? Doesn't that send the message that I'm okay with what they're doing? No, it really doesn't. Trust me. They know you're not okay with it. Okay. What it says is, I respect you as a human being. I know that you can get better, and I'm going to respect myself enough not to drag myself down to that low level. Some of you have seen my series on manipulation, and. And those of you that have seen that series on manipulation, you guys know that one of the things that people with addictions do is they want to make you mad. They want to start a fight because they get you that crazy. They can use that against you in their gaslighting techniques. See, you know yet like this, you crazy person, like you went on this big rant. You were wrong. You know, they can use it against you gaslight you. They also use it against you to deflect away from their thing that they did. So getting you to that point where you're not acting with integrity, where you're not acting the way you would normally act with anyone else, it doesn't do any benefit to them or to you. And, and it will be used against you as a weapon. How many of you have had it used against you as a weapon? Right? I wish I could see you guys right now because I feel like I can see little hands going in the air. Put your little hand in the air in the chat so I can see it the the other ones in. So we regularly publish on Tuesday mornings. We're live on Thursdays at one and then we usually get a little bonus or two it thrown in there somewhere. Thank you guys. I will see you next time. And up next I'm going to put the playlist for boundaries and the playlist for manipulation because I saw a lot of questions here about those. I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who help support this channel. Your likes, shares and donations are helping us spread the message of recovery and without you, this wouldn't be possible. Now this next video has been hand selected to go right along with this one. And don't forget to check the description for additional resources.