How Denial Works: Inside The Mind Of An Addict: Young Adults Recovery

In just a moment, you're gonna meet Mason. Mason is a young adult who came through our program a few years ago, and he's going to describe for you how he got from where he was then to where he is now. The thing you should pay particular attention to is how Mason describes his thinking process, how he interpreted the things that went on around him in a way to support his continued drug and alcohol use, other selfish behaviors. Parents, you're really going to like it because near the end of the video, Mason talks a lot about what he thought, how he reacted to and responded to his parents efforts to help him, how he got around the rules, and most importantly, how he continued to justify the decisions that he was making. So we wanted to have you come to your story, and we're gonna call it. Say what? We're gonna call it.

That's my. That's not my fault.

That's not my fault. Why did you choose that name for your story?

Well, even. I mean, my entire life I just been. You know, it's like that. That classic with the kid throws the ball through the window, glass breaks, someone comes out, oh, that's not my fault. I didn't throw that ball.

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. And like, that's. That's kind of like been my entire life, you know, from like 5 until, well, 20 even now, still, you know, until last month. Yes. No, like, most of my. Like most of my childhood, like my active addiction, it was this constant, like, lack of responsibility. It was like all these terrible things were happening around me, but somehow it was not my fault. It was everybody. I started drinking the eight the summer before my ninth grade year.

Okay.

It was just. It started with beer and like within. I mean, I say it started, but like a month after that, I was drinking, you know, liquor, like, little bits at a time. My parents kept, like, Baileys and other types of alcohol on the shelf in our house, and I would, you know, take. Take little bottles of that. My ninth grade year, I started smoking weed. And I'd say probably by my sophomore year, I was like, taking various amounts or like a variety of pills. So it wasn't. Alcohol was my favorite thing in marijuana, but I was never, like. It was. I don't want to say garbage can, but, like, I would use whatever I could get my hands on at the time.

Just get messed up.

Yeah. Yeah. That was the ultimate goal. Right.

Okay. Getting messed up. Why do you think you developed an addiction problem?

Like, moderation is a word that most Americans and most People know very well and are good at it. I've never been, you know, good at it. Whether when I was a kid I played baseball and I played. I didn't just play baseball. I played baseball365, five days a year.

Okay.

And then I started fishing. I didn't just fish during the summer, I fished.

So if you like it, you're.

If I like it, I do it excessively.

Even before the drugs?

Yeah, even before the drugs. It was. There was no. There was no, like, oh, we can do this every once in a while. Like once in a while, not a thing.

Do you remember your parents even before the drugs would. They are like, mason, come on. Like, enough.

Yeah, it was video games. It was. Was baseball. Baseball was like the one thing that they never were. Like, you gotta stop playing so much baseball, cuz like you're outside.

It's healthy.

It's healthy. I was good at it. Yeah. The drinking started before, like, I feel like in recovery, like everyone's got that, like, purely out of curiosity and like, then it progressed due to my inability to like, take a chill. But, you know, my freshman year, I started dealing with like that sort of emotional trauma for my baseball coach. And so on top of someone who doesn't know chill or doesn't know moderation with that, it kind of. It was like, oh, I found this like a month ago. Like this stuff, it's pretty dope. Like, I'm gonna continue to do that because it worked. So like that self medicating started almost, you know. Yeah. But in a way, I've come to look at it like it wasn't my fault that it happened to me. Like, it's not someone's fault that they get abused or anything like that, but it's my fault what I choose to do with that information or that happening. Like, I. And that took a long time when I got arrested and went to rehab to really get over, like, to really look at it from like, what I did wrong. Because no one could tell me that I. That I did something wrong. Even when I wasn't drunk or high, it was never like I did anything wrong. It took me a while to realize that it was my choice to take that situation, not talk to anybody about it and use it as an excuse. I used it like five years down the road as an excuse. Like that's when I got so my first. I started Hope for Families was like around. I think it was when I stole a bunch of jewelry from my parents.

That sounds right.

Sounds like me.

Sounds right.

Yeah. No I stole a bunch of jewelry. And they. I mean, obviously found out because, like, jewelry is not, you know, you can tell when it's missing.

Imagine that.

Yeah. And I came here and I saw Amber and I saw you, and you recommended the Iop. And I remember someone you mentioned three hours and, like, not. Not doing it.

Not doing it.

Not doing it. That's too long. I'll come see you. Three hours too long. There's not a problem in my life. Everything's okay. I just made a silly mistake. And that. I mean, as nice. As much time as I spent at the building itself, like, you think that, like, I would come early.

Yeah, you were. You were cool.

But. And it was weird because you would think, like, oh, this guy's around all the time. He likes being here. Nope, Just. It was whether it was like, the subconscious, like, I have to make these people think I'm okay.

Okay.

Or this, like.

Cause you've really gotten pretty isolated.

Yeah.

In your life.

No, it was pretty much just me and some really, really bad young characters. So whether it was you think you.

Thought that made us think that you're getting it.

I don't know what. I don't know what I was thinking because, like, looking back, it's like. I came. Group started five. I was here like two.

I remember that. Yeah.

And I would just be chilling here by myself, but there would be people in the next room, which is like, a big change for me because, like, when I was using, it was me or like, the person I was getting high with. So it wasn't.

That really speaks to how lonely and bored you really were.

Yeah, I was. I mean, cuz, like. Yeah, it was. It was. I was that lonely. I was that lonely that I was at a place where I didn't want to be, but I would. I would go there early. Like, I didn't want to be sober. I didn't want to go to Iop. I didn't want to talk to people, like, to people about myself or my feelings, but I was there three hours early every time we had a group.

And so what were some of the things that happened during all that time that wasn't your fault?

Wasn't my fault. Well, my car got taken away on and off for like, four years from when I was like a sophomore until I graduated. And then afterwards and throughout Iop, because I. I mean, during Iop, it was like, my parents only really. I mean, I guess they only really. I think they don't. They were mainly main concerned about the drugs. So all I had was urinalysis test. So all I did, like I drank pretty much the entire Iop outside of Iop. But whenever I, you know, lose my car after breaking a plethora of rules, my parents like, I would, they would say, hey Mason, give me your keys. And I'd be like, what do you mean? Like the car you bought for me and let me drive. You want that? Because you say I broke a rule, but that's, you know. No, I mean I broke all the rules that there are to break as a child and your parents home when they're paying for everything in your life. But in some twisted, you know, thinking, it's like obviously delusional, but like that's my like right to have entitled. Yeah, I'm entitled to this car. And for you to take it, it's just unacceptable. I mean, even after I broke rules, like those are your rules, you set them. Those were not rules that I agreed upon, you know, and like that, that's the thought process. Like I didn't know. There was no sit down meeting about the rules. So how am I expected to follow them? You know, imposed on my ability to do that. That it doesn't. Didn't matter. It was kind of like my favorite. My thing to say when I had my Mustang was the speed limit. It's just a suggestion. And I looked at all rules that way. All laws, all rules. Because if they impeded on my ability to do what I wanted to do, I didn't care if I got people upset. I liked making people upset because I didn't have to think about myself. But breaking the rules was always about.

Can you think back on any particular incident or argument or punishment that you really zone in on?

Yeah, I. I think I was. I just dropped out of college.

And.

I'd taken a class at Greenville Tech and I finished it and I was gonna drive up to my grandparents house on the outer Banks by myself during the summer. Which was like something I always wanted to do is be there by myself with my own car so I could, you know, do what I wanted to do naturally. So when I got there, I had found a way to get like a pack of Bud Lights. And I brought them in the house in a bag. Not in the, like, not in the carton, like in the bag for some reason. And I left the bag in the basement open. My grandparents saw it and so they called my parents, my parents called me home and after that they put a GPS tracker on my phone and I had, when I was, I had to stay at the house pretty Much, all the time, unless I was going somewhere that was not drug or alcohol related. And that was hard for like a day because I, what I started doing is I would start calling the people I was getting drugs or I'll call from leaving my phone at my house, telling my parents I was letting the dogs out, set the alarm and then drive away and do what I wanted to do. That was, I mean that was like, if you look at it on paper that was like a really rule enforced or really like something that I had to follow. It looked strict, but like within a day I had already figured out how to not. Like there was no punishments that lasted more than two days for me that I couldn't, you know, get around.

Yeah, yeah, I think we see that a lot. Parents try so hard to control it. They'll take the door off the hinges, they'll put the tracker on the car, they'll do all these things, but it never works. I always say it's not a problem that you can control externally. Yeah, yeah.

And that's, and like that, that was Deed and Tanya. Tanya. They owned the doctor's office so they, they started their own company. Doing it, you know, controlling it. And this isn't. But that's, that's how they, that's how they knew how to parent. It wasn't.

Well, they were doing. That's normal.

Yeah, they were doing normal. So. And they had tried to talk to me or like get to know like after everything what happened with the baseball coach. They had tried to, you know, talk to me but like there was no, like my. Inside my head was like this fortress that was, it was impenetrable. And so the only thing they knew how to do was like the, the rules. And that just fostered more resentment between us and it just, you know, the, the, the process of like breaking rule enforcement, punishment, you know, it just, it was like weekly, daily.

What do you remember thinking about them? Like you would break the rules, you get punished and you would think, what?

How dare they?

How dare they? Yeah, okay. Can't believe it.

Yeah, I, I didn't. Because I didn't. Well, I did, but I didn't bring drum. I didn't do drugs in the house. Or See that was, that's, that's the old like inside of the house.

You said I couldn't bring drugs in the house.

Exactly. And that was like I don't do drugs or I don't. Yeah, I did smoke in the yard in my car. But that was, that was like when they would enforce these rules That I had broken. Not at their house. I was like, that. I'm not hurting anybody. You know, this is my life. You know, I'm not at the house when I'm doing this.

So it was like you would look for some kind of loophole that made you.

Yeah, I always found one, too. I. It was like, I could always find one. And it made perfect sense to me at the time. I just remember thinking they were like, I always. Because my sister didn't get in trouble, because my sister didn't do what I did.

Right.

So I was like, wow, they really are just bullying me. And that's. That's kind of the. Like, after the high school, they're picking a spot. It started, like, everyone, like, one of my. You know, now I've been sober, and I've, you know, worked with other people on, like, a helping them kind of way. I kind of look at it as, like, I put myself, like, when I was using, and when other people use, they put themselves. We put ourselves in, like, these situations, like, whether it's subconsciously or like. Like, really, like, intended. Like, we put ourselves in these situations that we can later go back to and use as excuses.

Oh, yeah.

And. And I. And that's like, one of the sickest things we do is like, I will put myself in a situation for me to get hurt, in trouble, only to use that a year down the road. My parents ask, what happened and why did I do this? I was like, oh, well, back on March 13th, this went down. So not my fault about my fault. Give me a look. So that's like. And trying to get that across to me, like, when I was here, like, trying to get anything across to me was, like, impossible because I had built up all of these defenses. These defenses that, like, instant, instant not my fault, you know, it's. It was like wall after wall after wall and excuse after, you know, BS and bs.

I like to say addicts and alcoholics are like master ninjas at doing something bad and then turning around on YouTube. So, like, let's say your. Your kid steals your diamond engagement ring or whatever, and you find it in their room and you confront them about it. Then it's like, I can't believe you searched my room.

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right.

Like, defending that. They search the room. They're ninjas. Like that. You definitely had that skill.

I was good at it. No, I. I mean, that exact situation happened whenever I stole the jewelry. They confronted me about it, and I flipped it on them. I was like, well, you guys are always single me out to do all these bad things. It's only a matter of time before it just like becomes who I am.

I always like it when they say, you just don't trust me. And then the parent or the spouse or whoever thinks, no, I trust you. It's just. And I'm like, no.

You said no, I don't trust you.

And I went in your room. You haven't done that yet. But it's. That's just so skillful to turn it back.

Yeah. And I think for my, you know, my addiction, it got to the point where I was so numb to like emotion and like caring that like just didn't bother me anymore. Like I would get in trouble, like whatever. Like.

Right.

I. I mean it was. It got to the point where I as an alcoholic didn't want to argue or didn't want to try to manipulate. I just didn't care. Care anymore.

Yeah. At first you try to do all the turn around and then you just get so far in it that you're just like, whatever, screw it. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah. Okay.

That's like the dangerous part.

Oh, that's when it's really on, cuz.

When you don't care about anything, including yourself. What's like.

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