How Do Drug Addicts Manipulate You (and themselves)

If you've got a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem or any other kind of addiction for that matter, then you know exactly what it's like to be conned, manipulated, tricked, split, lied to, all of those things. Because in order to keep any type of addiction going, you've got to keep everyone around you misdirected, on their toes, split against each other. It's literally like the addiction is an orchestra conductor moving all these people, people and pieces of information around to create this entire facade or melody of music that's probably misleading to say the least. Well, if you're really connecting to what I'm talking to here, then you're definitely in luck, because we are going to cover the top eight things that people with substance use disorders or any other type of addiction do to keep themselves and the people around them misdirected or in denial. Essentially, I'm going to give you the inside scoop on all their top tricks so you can identify them, know when they're happening, and not fall in the trap. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed specifically to help you understand the psychology of addiction so you can recover your loved one and get back to living the life that you want to live. Because I know you're tired of being held hostage by this addiction. Okay, so let's get on with it. Lots of you already know. I have several videos about manipulation, lies, and denial. But in this video, I'm gonna be going a little bit more in depth about the ways that addicts and alcoholics misdirect, keep us all confused, running in circles, and chasing all the wrong leads. And in order to do that, I'm gonna be talking about some things from this book right here. It's called Smoke and Mirrors, and it's by Dorothy Marie England. England. It's not a very big book. It's pretty little. See, that almost looks like a little handbook. A little bit bigger than a handbook, but definitely something you could read in all in one sitting. And although I'm going to cover some of the information in this book, there is a ton more in here. It is packed with useful, helpful information. If you'd like to get a copy of this book, I'll put a link in the description below. The author of this book does an excellent job of using the metaphor of a magician to help explain how people with addictions keep all of us off track and keep the themselves in denial. So I'm going to tell you about eight of the magic tricks that Miss England tells you about in this book. Now, even if you're not a big fan of magic or magicians, you'll be pretty familiar with these tricks. You have at least seen or heard of them, and I think you'll be able to follow along quite nicely. The first trick is what Miss England calls the shell game. Now you've seen this maybe with shells old school style, but I bet you've at least seen this with cups. You know, like the little red Dixie cups where the person maybe on the street has the cups. There's maybe three or four of, there's like a shell or a ball or something like that under one of those cups. And you know, they move them around, you get to watch them and you get to guess where the guess which cup the item is under. I know you know what I'm talking about. And this game is an excellent metaphor for how addicts and alcoholics shift around the blame, the excuses to keep you constantly looking in a different direction and confused and chasing all the wrong leads. So just like moving around those cups with the object underneath, addicts and alcoholics will shift the bl. For example, they'll throw you off track by talking about how difficult it is for work, how their boss is a big jerk and they're always on their case. And so you'll go down that road for a while and you'll try to help them solve that problem. You'll have empathy for them and you'll chase that lead for a little while. But then maybe if they're talking to someone else, they shift the blame over to you and they talk about what a big jerk you are and how controlling you are and how you're always on their case and you're constantly spying on them and they've got this other person looking under this cup. Yet to an even different person, they may talk about some really difficult things that happened in their childhood. Now there may be a little truth to all of those different things, but you can see how the addicted person uses that constant shifting of blame thing to keep everybody distracted and chasing a completely different lead. And this game isn't just to keep you off track, but it also helps keep them in denial because they will ruminate, perseverate on all of these different things and use that as emotional justification to continue to use. If you haven't seen my videos on enabling and staying out of the bag cop role, definitely check those out because we address this topic in much more depth. Moving on to number two, you know, the classic magician disappearing act. I probably don't even have to spend too much time explaining the disappearing act to you because I bet you've seen it in real life. People with addictions have a remarkable ability to disappear in several different ways. They have an ability to constantly be able to disappear from the things that they're supposed to be responsible or commitments. They just don't show up. They just don't do what they're supposed to do. Lots of times, not all the time, but lots of times they don't show up to family functions, or they show up really late, or they show up and they're really intoxicated. So they're there, but they're not there. Any of you who have a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You call them on the phone, they don't answer. You call them on the phone, they say, I'm on my way, only a few minutes late. And the next thing you know, they either don't come, or they come several hours late, or they come two days late, who knows? And another type of disappearing act that you might be familiar with is more of a psychological nature. It's that ability of the person with a substance abuse problem to disappear into their own denial. They don't see what's right in front of them. They don't see reality the same way you see reality. And that's why there's so much arguing back and forth. Now, before we move on to number three, I'd like to stop for just a second and address an important issue. A lot of times when I do these videos, I'm going to manipulation or lying or all of those things. People can get in a really big huff and they can feel like I'm being mean or judgmental or disparaging towards people with substance abuse problems. Now, I know it may sound like it because I'm sort of like calling the bluff and I'm kind of like turning the light on the lies and the deceitful behaviors. But the truth of it is, I have a huge heart for anyone with a substance abuse problem. I have spent my whole life life helping people. But in order to help them, you have to stop falling into these traps. Not that long ago, on a video that I have on Facebook, I think the title of the video is something like, how to know when an addict or an alcoholic is lying to you. Oh, my goodness, you should see all the comments and the arguments that go on. In fact, there was one person that seemed really, really upset with me because I indicated that addicts and alcoholics lie. And this person left a comment saying that not all addicts and alcoholics lie. Well, naturally that started a big old argument. And they even went further say that by my saying so, I could be keeping people from getting help. I could be keeping people scared from reaching out and doing differently because they're afraid to be judged. And that people might kill themselves or die. So I gotta say that was a pretty tough comment to hear, but I'm really not gonna back down from that. I'm gonna stand my ground and say all people with addictions, addicts and alcoholics or other addictions lie to some degree. And I'm not saying that in a mean or judgmental way. It is literally a symptom of the problem. And from years and years and years of seeing people with substance abuse problems, if I couldn't spot these, if I couldn't call them out, and I don't call them out mean at all, I'm very kind, or I say it with humor, they literally wouldn't trust me whatsoever. Because I think people with substance use disorders really don't have any trust or respect for you if you don't really know what's up. And if you can't call a spade a spade. Okay, off that tangent, back on to number three. Number three is the magic hat. Of course, we've all seen this. The magician has a magic hat and he pulls out bunnies, or he pulls out those, like, silky handkerchiefs for miles and miles and miles, or he pulls out something huge out of this little hat. Kind of like on Mary Poppins, when she pulls out, like, all those giant things out of her little bag, it's like, what the heck else is coming out of there? You don't know what's coming next. Well, the author uses that metaphor to describe how addicts and alcoholics can pull out these different various personalities. It's almost like these different people come out depending on the situation and who they're talking to. Sometimes they pull out an angry or aggressive personality to get you to back off. Sometimes they pull out a pitiful, meek, milder, victim personality to get you to do something for them. Sometimes they pull out a really reasonable, objective personality to help throw you off track. If you're dealing with someone with substance use disorder, you know exactly what I'm talking about. All the different personalities, you don't know what you're gonna get because the personality is all designed on helping them get to their goal. Number four, card Tricks. The classic card trick. Every magician does the card trick, you know, where they have the deck of cards, and then you pick one or you mark it, or you write your name on it, or you tear the corner off or something like that, and you put it back in the deck. And they are miraculously able to pick your card out every single time. Well, addicts and alcoholics have this magical ability, too. Their magical ability isn't about picking out the right card. It's about picking out the exact right button to push. Because they know what your buttons are. They know if grandma is a softy for a sad story, and they'll push that victim button. They know if you worry about their grades and them graduating school so they'll get out of doing things. They'll avoid punishments by saying, well, if you take my car, I can't get to class and I'll fail. You see what I'm talking about? They know what button to push. If this is your spouse, they'll say, what kind of person are you to take your kid's mom or dad away? They'll push that button. And they know exactly which one every time. They know if they need to push the anger button, the guilt button, the shame button, the sad button, they've got it down to science. Now, number five is the one that this author calls the escape act. You know, like the old school magicians who used to be in the tank of water with all the chains and the locks and everything, and you think there's no they're ever going to get out of this, or they're locked in a box. Well, people with an addiction have this magical ability. I know you've seen it, because it's like they can escape consequences like no other. Like, they can get out of arrest, they can get out of paying things. They can talk themselves in and out of so many things. It really does take a long time for the consequences to build up or for them to help bottom, because they literally, like, escape it and get out of it so many times. Now, eventually it will catch up to them. But I tell you, there are gonna be hundreds and thousands of times when they should have gotten some kind of consequences and were able to sort of skate through it by the skin of their teeth. Now we're moving into the last three. Make sure you watch this video and get all eight, because you've got to learn how to identify these so you can stop falling for it, because that's the first step to getting your family back on track. Number six is sleight of hand. You know how with a magician and they're gonna do some trick, they'll like show you their hands or they'll show you in the, or under the cloth or under the table. They'll make sure and show you that they're not tricking you. They'll have you hold something, squeeze something, touch something. They'll have the person from the audience come up. They'll give you a piece of truth to throw you off the scent. Well, addicts and alcoholics love to use sleight of hand. They'll definitely give you a piece of truth. And I gotta tell you, as a counselor, I see this one all the time. This is the one they like to use on me. This is their favorite one to use on me. They'll give me a piece of truth. Like for example, they'll tell you about a situation that's going on in their life. That's probably a situation. But they won't tell you the whole story. So they might tell you about how they have to take care of their aging parent. And so when they miss sessions or they don't do what they're supposed to, they have that to fall back on. And it's easy for the other person to say. Well, I'm sure that they're just inconsistent because they're going through this or they have this at home. They'll tell you a little about their situation that will explain away or give them the ability to kind of skirt by on some of their natural responsibilities or for taking accountability for some of their behaviors. Sometimes it's a sad story. A lot of times it's an excuse or a reason, but it's that little grain of truth they give you to keep you from seeing the whole big picture. For example, a lot of times if somebody's going to fail a drug screen with me, they'll come in and they'll tell me that they were in the car with someone that was smoking or they were with their friends and they had this one relapse. They'll tell me a little bit of truth. But the whole truth maybe is they've been using every day or something like that. Little bit of truth to totally throw you off track. You got to be smarter than that. Alright, number seven. Number seven is that old school magician trick that you've seen where the magician puts the sword through the box. You know, there's usually like a really pretty lady in the box and the magician just puts the sword right through, usually a bunch of swords. And you're like, oh my gosh, like she's got to be cut to pieces. You know, I'm sure you know that they're really not, but it's hard for you to figure out how they're not. Well, with this kind of magic trick, the magician pretends to be hurting a person when they're really not. But when you see someone with a substance use disorder do this trick, it's really the opposite of that. They will, in fact, hurt you emotionally, financially, sometimes physically. And they'll act like they didn't. It's the complete opposite. So when they don't follow their responsibilities, when they say something hurtful, when they do something hurtful, when they split people against each other and then you confront them about it or you call them out, they'll act like you're the crazy one. They'll act like they didn't do it. So they really use this trick, but in the opposite way. Okay, before we get to the last one, which is number eight, I'd love to hear in the comments below, have you ever seen any of these magic tricks? Have you ever done any of these magic tricks? What's your experience with this? Or would you like to add one to the list? Now, number eight is the mind bending trick of levitation. So you see this. Sometimes street magicians will do this, and it looks like they're levitating off the ground. And they'll usually sort of put their hand through to show you there's nothing there, that there's no secret prop or anything like that. And you're just like, how are they really suspended in air? You know, it's not possible, but somehow they're doing it. They get you to believe that the laws of gravity don't even apply to them. Now, when people with addictions do this particular magic trick, this is a trick they more use on themselves rather than on you. Because somehow people with substance use disorders are able to over and over and over again convince themselves that the laws of the universe don't apply to them, that they're never gonna have that really bad wreck, that they're not gonna get arrested, that they're not gonna flunk out of class, that they're never gonna lose that job. And they're probably part of the reason why they think the laws don't apply to them is because of that escape trick. Like, they've escaped it so many times. They really do convince themselves that it's. It's not gonna happen. Earlier today, I talked to this lady. She. She was calling, concerned about her husband, and she said she was thinking about leaving. And I said, well, does he believe you? And she said, well, probably not, because I've said it a million times, but I really mean it this time. And so, because it's not happened so many times, they literally, when you say those things, when you make those threats, when you tell them how these bad things can happen, they literally just blow you off. Because in their mind, you're being ridiculous, you're being overly dramatic, and that's not gonna happen. This video, make sure you watch these, because it's going to add on a lot more information about the manipulation tactics and strategies and lies and what to do about them when you have an addicted loved one. I'm going to put it right up here in the corner, and all you've got to do is click on it.