How Fear Holds Families Back in Healing from Addiction.

All right. Families often falsely believe that they have to do everything just right. They have to do everything perfectly, not rock the boat, not— they have to walk on eggshells or they'll be put into the bad guy role or they'll cause a relapse. And this is false, y'all. This is a completely not true thing, but raise your hand if you've thought that and acted accordingly. So today what we're going to do is we're going to talk a little bit about this because actually what, when we act like that, it actually inadvertently out of love and fear and anxiety feeds the disease of addiction. So by the end of this video, you can have a clearer picture of when to engage, when not to engage with your loved one and feel more at ease in this process of, of staying in the relationship with them. So there are clear green lights and there are red lights. So the red lights are pretty easy to see, but we fall victim into engaging with them. And those are when we hear any victim talk, when they are defensive, defensive, defensive, sorry, when they are gaslighting us, when they're attacking us, when we fall into the whole, like, are they telling the truth? Are they not telling the truth? If they're not listening, if we're lecturing, these are red lights. These These are signs that you should absolutely figure out a way to disengage from the conversation. And I like to not just say, hey, I'm not talking to you because you're being a toad, but more say, I totally forgot I was meeting Jane for coffee and I have to run. I'm running into a meeting right now and I'm going to have to talk to you later. Something like that so that you don't add more fuel to these red lights. These are not orange lights or yellow lights. These are red lights. So just get out of them. There's another red light that I think is under under talked about and not really recognized, and that is if we're just out of mental energy, you guys. If it's just we're exhausted, if we've had a bad day, if we are tired of this conversation, if we're tired of thinking about it, that's a red light. And I think we often are ignore and are told that we can't have that red light, and that we have to you know take every opportunity to convince them they have a problem, or every opportunity to. To redirect them, and that is simply not true. One of the things about addiction is you don't have to get it right today because tomorrow's another day. And so if you if you just are out of it today, it's okay to be out of it. So green lights are the opposite, and green lights are what tell us that maybe this is an opportunity to engage with our loved one. And this is if they are confiding in us, if they may be telling us about their. Boss being a douche, that they had a— there's a coworker they don't like. If they are reflecting on their life at all, if they're showing you that they are in the mood to talk about something, even if it's something silly and neutral, if they're— frankly, if they're just pleasant, then those are green lights. And those are signs that I would say engage with them and talk to them. But I want you to be very careful in your heads. This does not mean that the addiction is taking a nap or going away. This does not mean that anything you're going to say or do is going to change the situation. So I think that you have to recognize that this is a moment. Okay. That's all this is, is just, it's just a moment. And I want you to not get too jacked up about that and, and Lead it into. It's so easy. Also, addiction loves to show us little glimpses of our loved one, right? It's such a smart disease, and it figures out that we're like getting done. We are getting ready to put down an ultimatum or hold a boundary, and so it'll show us a little glimpse of our loved one that makes us think maybe it's not that bad. Maybe it's over. I remember this so clearly. Because one of my sons is a, is a big cook, was a big cook in, in, um, middle school and high school. And he came over once. He wasn't— he had very rarely been at home. And he came over and said, hey, I really miss making layered Thai with you. I was thinking we could do that. I immediately rush out to the Harris Teeter, get all the ingredients to make the layered Thai. And the whole time I'm like, we— I must be crazy. He doesn't have a problem whatsoever. Or if he did, it's long gone because Here he is. Here's my loved one. And so I got all jacked up and thought this problem is in my history. And of course, you know, the next day he was long gone and didn't see him again for days or weeks. I can't recall. But so enjoy them for what they are, but don't put too much power on them and give them too much credibility. There are, there are things that we can do, you guys. There's, there's two things that we can do. One is we can, we can what we call we can be muted or we can choose to be quiet. If we're muted, that's when they are. You don't know what you're talking about. You're stupid. You're a bad mom. You're the only wife that talks like that. That's like shutting down our conversation, and that we call that being muted, and that is not okay. That is never okay. But we often don't use what is really okay, which is. Selective mutism, which is I am choosing not to say anything. I am choosing not to engage in this conversation. I am choosing not to take the bait. This is where we get really, really smart because this is how we get out of the bad guy role. This is how we don't take the bait when they throw out those little fish hooks to have a fight or argument, which is really to mitigate their shame for what they have done or getting ready to do. And the other thing that with Well, another thing that we do when we have selective mutism is we just keep some of our peace, right? We don't have to get riled up or feed our anxiety or have an argument and get mad and let it ruin our evening or our day. We can just say nothing. We can absolutely say nothing. And if they come at you like, why are you not? Why are you not? Just say, I don't really know how— I don't have anything to say right now. I don't have a response. I'm going to have to think about this. I don't. I hear your point, and one way I like to do this is maybe not just to not say anything, but just say you may be right. So when they start a little fight or throw something out there that you can feel is just is just it's an orange light, right? It's it's definitely a yellow light. It's turning in. It's going to be a red light. Is you just say, "No, you might be right. You you have a point. I I'll have to think about that," and get out of the argument. So I think. This is a really— this is a skill that takes some practice to hone, but it is a liberating skill. And it is a skill that they won't like for a minute there because they're used to us engaging and fighting and arguing and lecturing and doing all the things that we do at the beginning before we figure out they don't work. Because those things actually, in their little addicted heads, It flips the script so that well, I wasn't going to do this, but you said that. I wasn't going to do this, but you yelled at me. I wasn't going to do this, but you argued with me. And so that's a lie. All right, they were. They absolutely were going to go open that bottle of wine. They absolutely were going to go out and take those pills or smoke that weed. They absolutely were. But they're blaming it on you, which is how addiction works because addiction, remember, is a shame-based disease. And so when we can mitigate that shame. By flipping, then we feel better about ourselves for just a nanosecond. And and so that's what they're doing. So when you're like, you might be right. That's the point. Yeah, I can see where that would be. Then we are. They're not. They can't flip the script. This is not changing their behavior though, you guys. This is not. This is not going to stop the disease. This is not going to keep them from using. It's just going to someday allow them to look in the mirror and see themselves. And meanwhile, more importantly, allow you to have a little bit more peace. Because that's what that's what red light green light is all about: is how do we get the peace in our in our day, in our in our heads? Even if it's just for ten minutes or an hour, take it. Little tiny points add up. The other thing we can do is we can choose to not react. We can choose to say nothing ever. Or we can come back later and we can respond to a topic. We can respond to something that they said upon reflection, upon calming down, upon thinking about it differently. So that's another thing that's not a selective mutism. It's just I'm going to put this thing on pause and I'm going to come back so that I'm not going to react, which is going to add fuel to their well, I wasn't going to do it until you blanked. So I think those are little tips to help you sort of. Get out of the, out of the red light zone. If we were in Amsterdam, I guess I'd say the red light district, and then get more into the green. And the green is for your self-regulation. The green is for, for you to establish a different atmosphere in your home and for you to not live in this way up here place of, of craziness, because you guys know Addiction makes us absolutely crazy. So bear that in mind that these are things that are helpful for you. So there's another video that I did, I guess it was a couple weeks ago. I couldn't find the link to it, but it's called Navigating the Gray Areas. If you haven't seen it, go watch it because it also sort of reinforces sort of this like peaceful place. This is a really hard disease to navigate, as you know. And so watching the gray or navigating the gray really is helpful. The other thing I would recommend is there's a link below in the description, is join our membership because then you can be in a community of other people who get it. You can either ask blatant questions and get answers that will keep you out of the red, keep you sort of balancing a little more evenly. And if you don't want to ask the question, you can just listen to what other people ask. You can watch the, the live stream later if you're, if you're not available. It's at 1:30 Eastern Standard Time. And if you really are on the struggle bus with this and really cannot self-regulate or get into a peaceful place, absolutely, y'all. Next week, Kim and I are launching a course, and this course is called Beyond Boundaries, and it is all about our own relationship with ourself and our own relationship with how do we navigate with our— can we navigate? How do we navigate? And how do we find peace if we don't navigate as well as we're being told to do? There's a billion people out there telling any kind of advice about this. It's all— it can be very confusing. It can be very conflicting. And so lots of us get stuck in the, I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to keep doing it my way, and my way isn't working, so that makes me feel powerless and hopeless and sad and lonely and all those things that we just don't want you to feel. All right, we absolutely don't want you to feel like that. So there's a bunch of resources, there's tons of videos, there's the membership, there's the course, but please live in the green light zone. All right, all right, let's see what questions we have. Um, Carol wants to know, how do I become part of the membership? I'm going to just go ahead and speak out of turn and she can just shake her little head at me over off, off screen, but you can call the office at 864-901-2395 and then give me your email and And she can send you the link, or we may have your email, don't know. And if so, she'll just send you the link. But that's how you get it. And then you just create a Kajabi login and do it. Well, there you go. Look at that, Bri. Thank you. Yeah, it's easy sneezy and it's super good. Not only does it have the live call, but it has a ton of content, a lot of information that Kim has generated, that I've generated, and we put out Quotes like it's it's a pretty good it's a I find it very helpful. All right, this question is from Mel. This relapse I tried to hold my peace and stay calm, and he took it as rejection and that our relationship was over. How do I stay out of the chaos when whatever I do he takes it the wrong way? So a couple tips on that. One would be maybe it's addiction, and remember addiction always has to be the victim, and it flips everything around to be the victim. And if that's what's going on. Don't worry about it. Stay— step out of it. Do sort of what I just said earlier, which is say, that's not what I meant, darling. I'm sorry you feel like that. I'll try to say it differently tomorrow. The other thing you can do on that would be to sort of reflect with him. Why does he feel like that? Like, where's that message coming from? Is that coming from an old narrative? Is that coming from something that you're saying incorrectly? And try to have that kind of conversation with him. Um, I, I feel like in early recovery, or certainly while they're using, they really, they just always have to be the victim. And I'm probably thinking that's what's going on with that, Mel. Just stay calm. Remember, there's a difference. You can be the bad guy by using the wrong tone, the wrong time to have a conversation, um, the wrong affect, the wrong time, the wrong topic. You can sort of be the bad guy. But generally we're dragged into the bad guy role by the flip in their head of what we're saying to make them feel less shameful. So 2 ways to look at that. All right. Was looking for the 5-day Get Out of the Bad Guy Role Challenge. I can't find it anywhere. Can I help you? That's something that Amber put out and I don't know where it is. But we'll look for it, and we will shoot your email up there, Jeanette, and we will email it to you once we figure that out. I know what you're talking about. I just don't know because that's a that came from an Amber thing, and I don't know where where that would be stored right now. Okay. All right. Where do I begin? My son, who's an addict, became physically violent toward me. He has been living in my home rent-free. I pay all of his bills to help him get on his feet after being homeless off and on. How do we know how old the son is? Is he old enough to not let live there? And how do you feel about that would be some questions if you could pop those answers in. If he's physically violent towards you and you don't feel safe. Safety trumps everything, you guys. You always call 911. You always make make sure that you are safe, especially in your own home. He's 47. I think you could also you could sit down once it's deescalated and say, "Listen, that is not okay, and if that happens again, you won't be able to live here." And if I have to take eviction notice, you know, steps, I will. But the biggest question I'm going to ask you right now is. This is all like black and white advice I can give you based upon like what makes sense, but your heart does not have to make sense. And your heart is what we need to put into the factor here to tell you what to do. So that— because this has to be something he— you can tolerate. The other thing you could do, because he has no job, is you could say, look, it's July 17th. Starting August 15th, September 1st, you will need to pay rent to live here. That gives him plenty of time. That's a feasible timeline that's viable and doable. And at that point, if he doesn't do it, then it's either going to be because he can't get a job because he's using, he is entitled and won't get a job because he thinks you won't kick him out, or he can't keep a job, one of the— or he can't save his money. So at that point, you would have a lot of information that might help you be able to say, you know, Yeah. Living here is not an option. But when we don't charge rent, we sort of set the stage that they won't get a job. And if we don't charge rent for an adult, we absolutely set the stage that if they have a job, they can use their money for substances. So again, this is, this is all, this is your relationship with yourself and your ability to have a boundary Or not have a boundary, to know what those are. That that's what the course is all about. Because I can tell you this would be what I would do, but I have like so many boundaries and I'm so self-pressed that it's pretty easy for me to do these things. Not not super easy, but easier than for someone who is more one-to-one driven or more socially subtyped or like isn't very good at boundaries or was reared in a home where. There were no boundaries, or was punished by having boundaries. So I all I can say to answer the question today is: If he is violent, then you just need to call the police and extinguish that behavior. He will either get tired of the police coming, or eventually they'll tell him he has to be removed from the home. Something. But you for you to live with someone who's raging angry for fifteen years. That's just not fair, y'all. This is not our dress rehearsal to life. This is our life. Like, you got to claim it. All right. Would the Vivitrol shot work for a 30-year-plus alcoholic? How long would it take to work? He was in it for 7 months before, but it didn't work. Hmm. Vivitrol shot, generally, yes, it would work for for someone with a 30-year history of alcoholism. It usually starts to work right away because it's a 30-day injection. So it's actually pretty maximum at the beginning and then tends to wane right there. 28, 29, 30 days. We hear it's like fades a little bit. I'm wondering. I mean, in some people it just doesn't work well on just chemically. Their brains are just different, and some people will drink on top of it. So. If it if it didn't work once before, my guess would be it wouldn't work again. But I'm wondering if a does this person want to get sober, and if so, maybe the backtrack or the sober link would be a good option for them, or an abuse. And so naltrexone and Vivitrol, which are the same thing—one's just pill and one's shot—those work to decrease cravings. An abuse is old school medicine that makes you ill. Violently ill if you drink. Most people will not drink on anti abuse. A serious good old alcoholic that has zero intention of stopping will absolutely have a quick throw up and keep drinking. But most people won't. In fact, most people on anti abuse are super like nervous because they don't want that that nauseous feeling, and they'll even like scan at a restaurant. Does this have any like any liqueur in the whipped cream, or is there anything in this? They're very careful about their. Their deodorants, their lip gloss, their things like that. They're usually the opposite of that. But if it didn't work once, my guess is it won't work again. But it's certainly worth a conversation with a doctor to see what they think. All right. So this person whose son is raging says, "I had to call the police, who advised me to begin the eviction process. I'm in the process of eviction." And you know, you guys like. That's a tough spot to be in. Like, I, we almost had to get in with one of our children, but luckily he left on his own and then tapped out and went to treatment. But it's a really difficult place to have to evict a loved one. But if it's a safety issue, you just have to. And I'm assuming, I don't know, but in most states, the eviction notice is a 30-day process. And in that 30 days, if you could, If you want to and you financially can, or he will even listen to you, you could say, "Look, I'm getting ready to evict you because I can't live like this anymore. But if you are interested in sober living or treatment on some level, I could talk have that conversation with you so that you're not homeless. That choice will be yours. But I don't want you to be homeless. I don't want you to not have anywhere to live. But I just can't live like this anymore." That also gives them time to. Get a job and find somewhere else to live. My guess is he won't, but since he has no job heretofore, is he'll play the— he'll play the card. And by that I mean, as you get closer and closer and closer, he's going to go into that emotional blackmail mode. Oh, I can't believe you're doing this. If you love me, you wouldn't do this. I don't know what to do. I'm going to be homeless. I hope you feel good about yourself. I don't even have a car to live in. Those kinds of things. And those are going to be tough to hear. Which is why I always say, if you can, again, if you want to and you have the money, is I would say, look, this makes me really sad. This is what I have to offer, or I'll be happy to take you to a shelter, but this is not an option. And that way you, you feel a little better that you gave him a couple options. Don't think he'll take them, but you at least feel a little better. Um, have I heard about neurofeedback helping addiction from alcohol or Reiki? Yes, I have heard about it. I actually had an interesting conversation with a client who lives in Japan, um, today, and he was telling me about hypnotherapy. I, I'm a big fan of all— anything. I mean, there's not one way to get sober, and I'd say if it works, yes. If it If the person is just using it to kick the can down the field, to placate you, like if you say you have to do something or you can't live here, or I'm not gonna stay married to you, then I don't know that they would work. If the person is absolutely determined to get sober and will use them and do them well and take advantage of it and follow it all the way through completion, yeah. I mean, I don't know how much research is out there for the long-term successfulness of it, but I'm not opposed to trying anything. I mean, there's Ozempic. There's a bunch of theories out there. I don't know that we have enough research-based scientific evidence that they work long-term or even work at all, but people are always trying. People are always coming up with new things, and I'm all about it. Like, I— there's not just one way, and it doesn't have to be AA or NA. It doesn't have to be old school. It can be whatever works for the person. Yeah. Any more questions? Come on, y'all. Someone has to have a question about what's a red light, what's a green light. Is this a red light? Is this a green light? What do I do if? Okay. All right, well, that's it for today, and I hope this was helpful. Um, watch the other video. I think that also would be helpful, and they're sort of linked, um, and can be connected mentally. All right guys, thanks a bunch. Uh, see you next time. Bye-bye.