How Long Does It Take To Get Someone Out Of Denial?

Loving someone with an addiction can feel like absolute torture. It's like there are moments when you think they get it and they have insight and they're saying all the right things. And then overnight, it seems to go away completely, as if it never even happened. There are even times when you see that they make some significant changes and they actually do do good for a while. But it seems like it always slips back to the same old cycle. And at this point, it feels like you can almost predict the exact patterns of exactly what's going to happen. But no matter how much you talk about it and you argue about it and conversations that you try to have but that go really badly, you just can't get anywhere. And you're wondering to yourself, will this ever end? Will your loved one ever get out of denial and wake up and see this problem for what it really is? And I know it's going on for a long time, and you're tired and you're worn out. I want to give you a very realistic view about what you can expect. Now, the good news is, is that people do come out of denial, and they do beat addiction. Lots of people, every single day, be addiction. In fact, of the mental health issues, I think people get way better, way faster from addiction than they get from almost all the other mental health stuff. So I think there is a ton of hope out there. But it's going to be easier for you to remain hopeful and positive and support your loved one in the right way if you have a realistic expectation about how. How things are going to work. So, yes, I want you to be hopeful, but I also want you to be realistic. And I'm going to give you a bit of a roadmap so you can kind of gauge where am I at, really? Where are they at in this process? How close am I, and how far away from really, really getting better are they really? Like, is it ever going to happen? So the first thing I want you to know is you got to stop thinking about denial, as in they're in denial or they're not in denial. It is not so black and white, in fact, denial. It's not like people come out of denial. And it's like a straight line of progress from, like, active addiction to recovery. It's more like up, back, forward, sideways, do a loop, up and down, like a roller coaster with loops and all kind of sideways twist involved. That's more like what the process looks like. And during that process, there are these actual, like, I don't know if I would call them stages. I was probably calling phases, phases and, like, types of denial that people go through. So I want to kind of like lay them out here, and I'm going to put them in somewhat of an order for you. But I want you to know that it's not like phase one, phase two, phase three, phase four, okay, we're on phase eight, and then we're almost out of here. Because what happens is they sort of. They can move through these phases and then they can sort of backtrack and then move forward and then backtrack and then move forward and then backtrack. So, but. So it's not always predictable as like, okay, if we're at phase eight, then it's nine, then it's ten, then we're done. But knowing how close you are will give you a good gauge about what way you should interact with them, what strategies to offer or not offer. Because as you guys know that watch this channel all the time, I'm all about strategy. Our goal here is to keep you five steps ahead of addiction. You beat this thing by being a really good chess player. Not. Not by being tough, not by being a cowboy, not by tough love, not by all this hardness that you think is what it's going to take to help either yourself out of addiction or your loved one out of addiction. You beat this thing by outsmarting it. Okay, the good news is it's like you already know. It's kind of predictable, isn't it? Even people struggling with an addiction, even though they keep falling into the same cycles and patterns, they can tell you what the cycles and patterns are. Because sometimes, though, people come to my office and I'll say, well, what usually happens? We'll trace it back. Well, what usually happens after that? And they can tell me, well, first I start thinking this, and then I put myself in this situation, and then I give myself permission to do this, and then this happens, and then it just all goes to hell or whatever they. People, even in the middle of it, can usually tell you what their patterns are, and their loved ones can definitely tell you what their patterns are. It's just hard to break even when you know what's going on. So let's take a look at these phases of denial and how to kind of peel back that onion and see how close we are to getting out of it. On the other side, phase one would just be like classic denial. Like what you would think of, which would be in fancy terms, they call it pre contemplation. That's like the clinical way to say it But I like to say, you know, it's like this phase of I don't have a problem at all. Y' all are crazy. I don't even know what. Yeah, I don't even know why y' all looking at me. It's y', all, not me. Like, flat out, I do not have problem whatsoever. Y' all done lost your mind face, okay? And when someone's in this phase, you're really far from it. You're not even close. We got a long ways away. Every now and then, I get clients in my office who are in this phase, in this pre contemplation phase. And it's not like there's no hope for them. But one of the first things I do is I tell the counselor, the other family counselors who usually see in the family, hey, this is where we're at. It's going to be a minute. So we need to start back here at stage one. How do we get someone out of this I don't have a problem at all phase? And as the person moves through these phases, there are different strategies that the family can employ that actually help it go smoother and faster and can cut back on some of those regressions and fallback things. So there are things you can do. Can you completely control it? No. Can you influence it? Yes. And if you aren't familiar with this channel a whole lot, then you're in the right place, because that's what we talk about on this channel, is how to influence it. Whether you're the family member or you're the person who has an addiction, it's all about how to outsmart it. And there are things you can do, many things. So after the person comes through this, like, I don't have problem. Y' all a crazy stage, or let me say this to you, another version of that first stage might look like everybody does this, like, I'm in college or, you know, I'm a working grown man. Everybody drinks after work. You know, it's this, like, y' all are just way out of bounds. Like, if some version of y' all are crazy, not have prom at all. Number two phase looks like, okay, like, every now and then, I go a little too far. You know, I'll admit I've. I've made some mistakes with it. I've let it get out of hand, but it's not as bad as y' all are making it out. So in this phase, you're a little closer because you're like, yeah, I made some mistakes. It's a little Bit of a problem, but not like y' all want to make it out like y', all, y' all just exaggerating stuff. It's phase number two. I see a lot of people in that phase of it. Phase number three is what I call I'll do better. And this usually happens after something not so great happens as a result of the person's drug or alcohol use, like a DUI or a big fight. And then, you know, the girlfriend, boyfriend, partner leaves or whatever. It's after something not great. And it's I'll do better now, I'll do better isn't saying, oh my gosh, I'm total drug addict, alcoholic, I'm never going to use it again. It's a, I'm going to get this under control. And it's this phase, this phase three that people come back to over and over and over again. So it's kind of like we'll make some progress, something happen, we'll come back to the I'll do better, make some progress and what happened. We'll come back to the I'll do better. This is kind of one of those like home based points that people come back to for quite a while before they really, really get it. So when they're there and they say that to you, I know you're going to be frustrated because you're going to be thinking, well, you've said that again. But I want you to know as a family member, that is part of the process. And it doesn't mean they don't mean it and it doesn't mean they don't care and it definitely doesn't mean they're never going to get better. It just means, okay, this is where we're at in the phase of I'll do better. Another way that I call that in a lot of the videos, as I call that the bargaining phase, I'll do this, I'll cut it back, I'll just do it on the weekends, I'll just use this substance, not that substance, all different versions of bargaining after that. When the I'll do better doesn't really work out the way the person thinks it's going to or promises you that it's going to, then you get this version of it, of, okay, but you're making it worse. Like, I know that, you know, I didn't do exactly what I said. Although they probably won't even admit that out loud. But they kind of know that in their head they're gonna, but it's your fault that it keeps getting Backwards because you're making it worse. You're always on my case about it. That's why I'm sneaking it. I wouldn't have to lie about it if you weren't so crazy. So it's a middle ground level of denial of okay, yeah, it's a problem, but I would have done, you know, this wouldn't be a big of a problem if it weren't for you. And then that can move into full out, like number five. Like it's all your fault. Like you are the reason I drink, you are the reason why I go do drugs or why I have to steal or why I'm stuck in jail or whatever. Like the complete blame. And this is a, a far slide backwards out of. It's not like that full denial of saying I don't have a problem, but it's a full release of responsibility which is pretty far from the getting better phase. And this is this four and five phases. And just so you know, I kind of made up these phases. You're not going to find them in a textbook. I'm. There are stages of change which I've got lots of videos on that are like the clinical. I just want you to what they look like in real life. And the best way I know how to do it is to tell you what people say and what people think during these phases. So that's how I came up with these. But when people are the you're making it worse or the it's all your fault kind of phase, they're pretty far from getting better. And that usually happens when the family is getting put into that bad guy role. And it's really hard to stay out of that bag. I roll sometimes no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to stay out of it, they just like suck you into it. And even if you didn't do anything, they just put you in there so that if, if you're in that space where they're blaming you, that's an indicator to you that okay, I need to get out the back at row because I'm blocking their viewpoint on this problem. After the person goes through these phases for quite a while, like I said back and forth, we tend to go back to number three a lot. Then they get move into this phase of it's just who I am. Like, you're gonna have to get used to it like this, just me. Why can't you just love me for me? Why can't you just accept me for who I am? Like what, what's the problem? I. I deal with you. And you have, you have issues too. You don't own your issues, but you always gonna be on my case. So it's this. I'm gonna call it the it's just who I am phase. And during this phase, there's kind of an acknowledgment of, yeah, okay, I drink too much. Yeah, okay, I have this like addiction over here. But everybody's got their problems, which is like a little bit of truth. And so that's why this phase is kind of hard to sort of defend against, I would say, if you're the family member, because it's kind of a way of. Of letting themselves off the hook. So it's acknowledgment, but it lets themselves off the hook of responsibility, of trying to do anything about it. It's so. It's. It's just who I am face. And if you really unconditionally loved me, you would just love me anyways, which is not accurate. So don't fall for that. The next phase, number seven phase, is the person really and truly starts to think, like, this is a bad problem. I really do need to do better. Like, I really do gotta get sober. But they think I just don't want to do it. Like, life isn't even worth living sober. And so this is like a different kind of denial, because the person really thinks I don't want to live sober because it is going to suck. And the reason why they think that is because they're so dependent or they've used so much for so long that every time that they are sober, life does suck. But the reason why it does suck is because they're dependent on the substance. If they have literally lost the, like, neurochemical ability to experience joy and happy from regular things. So it's very hard to make someone in this phase believe that life won't just be pure misery without it, especially because it is kind of pure misery for a little while without it. And so that's another phase. It's like, okay, that's a problem, but I'm just going to keep doing it because I don't even. I don't even want to keep going without it kind of thing. Then you can see this other kind of denial where it's like, I've tried and nothing works. Like, there's just no hope for me. I'm just never going to get better. Like, I've been to aa, I've been to treatment, I've talked to counselors, and nothing works for me. And it's probably true that they have tried some things and they've had some back and forth progress, but this is kind of a level of denial because really, if the person really looks at it and they look back at what they've tried, they know exactly why it didn't work. They know the part that they left out or the part that they bargained with, or the, the one piece of advice from their counselor that they didn't take. So this is just sort of a, a release of responsibility. Again, like I said, there's. There's different kinds of now there's this I don't have a problem phases and shades. And then there's the I can't help it and it's not my fall and I'm just stuck this way phases and stages. And the I can't help it stages are usually after the I don't really have a problem where it's not that bad side of things. And then this level 10 kind of deny, which I think honestly is like the hardest kind of denial to deal with, is when someone just feels like they've completely ruined everything and there's no sense in even trying because there's just no coming back from the mess that they've made in their life. And it's hard when you're dealing with someone in this phase because it's not that they think they don't have a problem. It's not that they think maybe they couldn't ever get sober. But it's just like, I've burned so many bridges, I've dug such a deep hole that I'm never going to get out of it. And this one, when someone gets here, there's a real kind of hopelessness involved, a real, like deep, dark depression. And it's more difficult, I think, to reason with than some of the other kinds of now, like some of those other earlier phases. People tell me all the time people say, well, my husband says he loves drink, he's never going to quit drinking. Like, I better not make him pick because he's going to pick drinking. Everybody says I don't care about that. Or people, you know, when people say, well, they just refuse to admit they have problem. Like everyone goes through that face. Those things don't bother me at all. People tell me that stuff all the time. Like, oh, everyone's ever walked, mom, that kind of thing. Don't worry about that. But I do worry a little bit more when people get really, really depressed and really hopeless because it's like they lose the energy to quit trying when they're blaming and rationalizing and that kind of thing, those are phases that are a little easier to move people through and you can get people out of the I've ruined it phase, but it's going to take a little bit more work and a little bit more different of approach. Like for example, if someone's in the I got a problem but it's not that bad phase, then it's your job at that phase to just step your little self out the way and let the consequences occur. Because probably the person thinks my life isn't really that bad and it's not causing that much problems because there's someone else in their life that's kind of like holding all the pieces together. Like maybe you're dealing with like a functional alcoholic and they're going to work and they're making money and they feel like I'm fine. But you're holding together all the pieces. You're paying the bills, you're dealing with the kids, you're making every appointment. You are literally holding everything together. And if you stopped doing that, maybe it would be clearer that everything wasn't as great as person thinks. So that would be the strategy you would use. If someone's in that phase. If someone's in this hopeless phase and you just step back and let things get worse and worse and worse, you could see how that would be the wrong strategy. As you can see, it's very important to understand where your person's at and match your response to where they're at if the goal is to sort of get them through and out the other side. Sometimes when people get in those really deep depressed phases of denial, they need a hand up, they need a little bit more encouragement and they probably need you to step in and help them a little bit clean up some of the messes. Because sometimes if you can just help them get one of the messes cleaned up, they might see that there's a little light in the tunnel. But this is a hard decision to make because you don't want to get working harder than they're working too much and you don't want to enable. But sometimes when someone's in that phase, if you just step back and you try too much tough love, they're not. They just don't have the internal resources to come back from that. If you are dealing with a loved one who's in one of these phases or you, you think you kind of know what phase are in but you're not sure what to do. There are tons of resources on this YouTube channel. There are tons more resources on our website. We have several online programs from how do you use motivational interviewing techniques? How do you have conversations with people? We have invisible intervention for how you get people out of denial and into recovery. That that online program is designed to take you through all these phases. We do consultations and coaching. We have a skills program, which is our membership. There is tons. So if you're looking for more help and you need some more specific help on your situation, to go deeper into this, definitely check out the resource in the description and on our website now. I also want you to know that even after the person gets sober, they're still not completely out of denial. Usually once someone gets sober, they're in an active stage of change. Maybe they're sober for a week, two weeks, three weeks, a month. You think, okay, they're completely out of denial. But not usually. Actually, the denial continues to lift more and more and more and more the longer that the person is sober. It's really a kind of. It's kind of a fun, cool, interesting. Part of the job I get to do is watch people come back to life, is what it feels like. And not just come back to life, but, like, be happy and joyous and have freedom and be so happy that they are sober. But that does not happen immediately. The. Just like the denial before the action stage, that comes in phases. So does the coming back to life. That happens in phases, too. Like, if I had to put some words on it first, it's like, this sucks. I hate it. I don't even want to do this. I'm just doing this because I have to phase one of being sober. Phase two, okay, fine, I'm doing this, but I don't like it. And I'm just gonna do this long enough to get off probation, to get my wife off my back, to deal with this one consequence or whatever it is. And then I. I'm not even gonna stay sober. So I'm doing it, but against my will, sort of, kind of. And then there's the. Okay, actually, I do feel a lot better. And actually, I'm really. I'm really pretty glad I got sober now. I'm feeling a lot better. I see what you're saying, Amber. I believe you now. But in the back of my mind, one day I think I'm gonna be able to use manageably, and I just won't let it get back to that old, terrible state like it was before. For then you kind of move into the. When you get past that and You. And you get several months sober, you start to, like, look back at your old self, and you're like, you can't even recognize your old self. You're like, I was completely brainwashed. Like, I was delusional. Like, the way I saw the world was completely hijacked. You start to really get clear on what was going on with you then. And I'm telling you, you don't see that until you're a few. Several months out of it. At least several months out of it. And then you move from that phase into the. Finally you get to this. I am so grateful to be sober. I would never want to go back to that misery. And it's not like the thought of the drug or the drinking really causes a big craving for you anymore. It might be a little bit, but it doesn't even last long because you. Because immediately you start to think about the misery and you really get honest with yourself about the misery of it. And you're like, dude, I wouldn't. I would not want to go back to that misery. You can pay me to go back to that misery. And you feel solid. Like sometimes in recovery, like if you go to 12 step means, you'll hear people say things like, I remember I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic or something like that. And that's how you can tell someone's in this phase. Like, they're glad they're sober. They're not ticked off that they had to get sober. They're not white knuckling it and just like craving all the time, but completely miserable. Believe it or not, people, if you get sober and you stay sober long enough, you get to this phase. And I know it's hard. If you're watching this and you're struggling, you're like, I know you don't believe me, and that's okay because I'm just one person. But stick around and watch people's stories long enough. There's million stories on YouTube. I've got some on my channel, but there's zillion more. If you listen to people who've been sober for long enough, you're going to hear this time and time and time again. That's how I know it, because I've heard it time and time and time again. And that might make you at least consider believing it. Although sometimes people in active addiction, or you usually they don't tell me it when they're in active addiction. Usually they tell me it when they're closer to these better phases. They'll say, dude, I never believed anyone and they said that, like, I thought they were just lying or full of BS or they were just high because I didn't believe them at all. That's how unbelievable it can really feel. But this is where you get to this. I'm grateful I'm sober, but as a family member watching this, and you're expecting your loved one to feel that way on day one or day two or day 20 or day 30, you're gonna miss the boat and then you're gonna be aggravated, and then you're gonna probably inadvertently, not on purpose, but say and do the wrong things, which. Which I'm not gonna say it's your fault, but which isn't helping things move in the right direction. So what I like to do is I just like to encourage and validate and positively reinforce every step of the way. And that is the way you get someone to move through these phases faster. Earlier this morning I was like, reading comments on the videos. I try to go in there every day and spend a little time answering comments and trying to answer questions as I can. And someone left a comment. I can't remember what videos on, but they were saying, I totally get what you're saying. Like, I'm following you. But it's just so hard because it feels like I'm like, enabling and I'm just like, helping them have their cake and eat it too, by, you know, by not being mad, by not doing the tough love, by not doing all that stuff. And I can definitely see where this person's come from because it does feel like I'm making it easy. But what I want you to know is you do not have to make someone who's addicted to life hard. No need. You don't have to punish. You don't have to put any consequence in place because if someone is addicted, those things happen. You can't stop them from happening. You. You try really hard and it's still going to happen. And ultimately the person is going to be miserable. They're going to be upset, they're going to have anxiety, they're going to be depressed, they're not going to be sleeping well, they're not going to be happy. So if you have this idea, like, they have their cake and eat it too, even if they look like that's what's happening, even if they try to act like they're totally fine with the situation and they're just good with it, 9.9 times out of 10, they're not. Sometimes people are more reluctant than other people to let you see that. Vulnerable part of themselves. But, you know, being a counselor, being a coach, and having people sitting on my couch and get really honest with you, there's almost always some level of distress and regret and shame and guilt and not good negativeness associated with addiction, even in these really early stages of denial. So our goal is just not to block that uncomfortable feeling, because it's that uncomfortable feeling from the inside of them that's actually going to make them change. So if those of you family members who've watched my videos for a long time, I get what you're saying. It feels like, am I enabling? Because I'm not screaming and yelling and threatening and ultimatum in and all that kind of stuff. I get what you're saying. You. But I just want you know, you don't have to make them miserable. You jumping in there to make them miserable makes them think you're the one making them miserable. And that blocks them from seeing the addiction is the thing making them miserable so they're not having their cake and eating too. I don't care what it looks like. There may be like, okay, two nights or weekends of that or something, but it ain't going to last long. And if it's an addiction, unmanageability will happen. And there will be misery no matter what you do. Because this is what addiction is. It's misery. So it will happen. It's funny because even when I see people in my office are in these, like, really early stages, and I'm. They're trying to tell me, like, I'm gonna do what I want to do. I'm a college student, whatever. I'm a teenager, you know, like, they're all just full themselves. They're miserable. Like, you can tell by looking at them like, dude, for somebody who's holding onto this thing so tight, like the most miserable human being I've ever seen, like, look at you. You're depressed. You're miserable. Your anxiety is going cr. You don't like anything. You don't enjoy anything. You know, your grades are tanking. Like, you can tell on the outside by looking at them. They are not happy. And deep down inside, they know that, too. And so there are ways of getting them to access that part faster. And the best way to do that is for you not to be the one bringing the misery. Now, you don't have to stop the misery. That's enabling. If you're stopping all the measure, you don't. You don't stand in the way. You don't fix things. But you don't have to make the punishments. In fact, I strongly encourage that you don't make the punishments because they don't connect the dot that the addiction is the problem. When you make the punishments, they connect the dot that you are the problem. So you gotta step out the way. You gotta let that happen. I feel like I'm preaching, like, can I get, like, an amen or something? I feel like I need an amen. All right, let's see who's with us today. We'll take some questions and comments, and I will put the link up on the screen in just a minute. If there's somebody out there who wants to join us live and talk about their situation, I would love it if. If you could talk. Somebody could talk to us about seeing these stages. Whether it happened to you yourself and you've been through these stages related to addiction or you've witnessed these stages with a loved one, it would be super cool just to get some experience, strength, and hope from somebody who's seen it firsthand or at least secondhand. Okay. All right. If you want to come on and talk about that, then we'll do the guess a number thing. I know we hadn't done that a couple weeks, so if you're not familiar with that, you pick a number from 1 to 100, you put it in the chat, and then. Just a minute. I will do our random number picker, and I'll pick the number. Whoever's closest. I'll give you the link, and you can pop on here, and we can talk about it together. And it'll be fun. But remember, this is public. Don't talk. Don't come on here. If you don't want to be on public. Don't talk about anything you don't want to talk about. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna get you any place you don't want to go, because I don't want you to say or do anything that you might regret later because it's on YouTube and Facebook and probably shared in other places, too, so. So be mindful. You do need decent Internet and. And a decent light source so we can see you. But other than that, you can do it from your phone, your laptop, your com, your p. IPad, tablet, whatever. If you're watching this video on it, then you can do it from that device. All right, you guys put your numbers in there if you want to come on and share with us or ask some questions. In the meantime, I'm gonna say hello to the people who are here and maybe answer some questions. If there are Some. Hey, Anthony, my friend from New York. I always think people from New York are like, so sophisticated. I always feel like New York just sounds like, intimidating. And I know like all New York is not like New York City, but still. Still feels kind of intimidating. I don't know why. Hey, Dana and Marianne. You're the one that calls the shovelers. I gotta remember, I'm start calling. We're shovelers. That's what we are. But we're. But we're trying to put the shovel down. We're trying to quit digging that hole. Hey, Jan, I'm glad you got to be on here live too. Teresa says I'm asking why rehab keeps so busy in rehabs that the mind and body is not getting proper rest enough for the mind and body to heal. Just so busy in meetings. I think they need time to heal. You're right, Teresa. And the fact that in rehab, like inpatient rehab, I'm assuming that's what you're talking about. They do keep you really busy. It is sort of one meeting to the next. Doctor's visit, yoga, whatever, you know, they keep you busy because too much time alone, too much time to think isn't a great thing for someone in early recovery because their mind goes to dark places or they get cravings or they start having little side conversations that probably aren't the most productive or creating little relationships. So there are reasons why they keep you busy, but for the most part, they usually do try to feed you decently, depending on where you're at. And they usually do try to let you get eight hours of sleep and that kind of thing. But I know sometimes, you know, when you're in the recovery process, you. You a lot of times need more downtime. But it's sort of a balance between giving people downtime to rest in, heal, but not giving them too much time, because that can be a disaster too. Let's see here. Fancy says Fancy plants says phase two. That's where my person's at for sure. Redskis. Religious reading only just found your channel, but I must say it's very brutal information, good guidance, handful of stories sprinkled in. It's good way useful. Thank you. I'm super glad that you're here. Welcome to our little community. We go live every Thursday at 1 Eastern, and I release a new video every Tuesday. That's like a. An edited video. It's not live, but I release a new video every Tuesday. So I hope to see you at more of our live videos, which are Thursdays. And then if you're not subscribed. Sure you're subscribed and hit the bell because I always do Tuesday and Thursday. But I throw in like little bonus episodes in there and if you, if you don't have the subscription and the bell hit, you might miss those little random ones that I throw in. I, I do several of those a month. So. Let's see here, let's see, let's see. Facebook users, which videos are best for level 10 issues? That's a great question. I think I would look at the videos that talk about mental health and addiction and, and sort of the ones that talk about when you have like depression, anxiety and addiction all at the same time. So those co occurring disorders, I would look at that. But I, but even when you look at those, I want you to understand that that severe depression can be symptomatic of addiction. It's not necessarily like, I mean, I guess it is a dual diagnosis if you have both. But for most people when they get sober, the majority of the depression and anxiety gets better. Sometimes it can get a little worse, especially if there's like a trauma history. But most of it gets better. Other than that, I think you should still follow the same techniques as far as getting someone out of denial because like I said, you can go into that depression hole with them but until the addiction gets better, they're not going to, they're not going to get better from depression. They're just not. Because it's the thing that's neurochemically causing depression and it's making their life a disaster. So of course you're depressed, your life's disaster, your relationships are a mess, your finances are a mess. So there's like a lot of reasons to feel depressed. So even when there's dual diagnosis, I still. You cannot ignore the addiction part. You're just never going to get anywhere with any kind of mental health something as long as the addiction's going. I'm stand firm on that. Let's see. Teresa says it's once you get out of the darkness and living in the light, you look back and wonder, how did I fall into that dark pit? That's right. And you know what, if you're watching this video, Teresa's right. If you're watching this video as a family member and maybe you've never had an addiction, if you're grown up like most of us, you can probably look back over your life and think about a situation where you fell into the darkness of some sort of. And you lost your mind and you got out of it eventually. And you thought, what in the world. Whether it was a bad relationship, a bad habit, a bad friend group, just some. A bad career, and you've been there somewhere where you shouldn't have been and got out. I think almost anyone can relate to that. And you can relate to the fact that you don't even know it until you get far enough out of it to sort of get like an objective viewpoint on it. So I want you guys to be able to relate. Even if you don't feel like you have an addiction, you can relate. And that's helpful to be able to relate to the person struggling with addiction and not get all judgy and all critical because we've all made some mistakes. We've all gotten ourselves into a bad place. It's part of the human journey. At least that's what I think. Besotted says the thing I needed most when I quit two and a half years, two and a half years ago, or two to five, I don't know if it's two and a half or two to five is someone to tell me it gets easier, but it will take at least a year. Yeah, I think if you. If you are like in the pit and you're miserable and you're in pain, we can deal with that. But we got to know there's an end to it. Because when you're in middle of it, even. Even when you're really sick, like think about when you're just really sick and you just think, I'll never feel better. You just lose hope. You just get exhausted. So knowing if there's an end and. And I think that's why I try my best to give people a Best kind of a timeline I can. Even though there's not really a timeline, because you want to know, like, how much longer, you know, like if you're in layer, you. What am I dilated to? How much longer? Because I'm about done. So I agree with the side of like, knowing that there's some light and reminding somebody of that as much as possible is. Is something helpful you can do. And then helping to reinforce when things are getting a little bit better and you can say, man, last week I saw you laughing like, it's so good to see you. Coming back to that, you know, reinforcing that they are getting better is super helpful. Redsky's religious reading says, it took me a year before a slice of my sanity reigned in my mind. And 15 years later, I'm still here and sober. It's doable. Yes, it's very doable. And not just doable. I don't even want you to think like that. Being sober like the whole time is just like tolerating it and missing out and just being on good behavior. It's not just doable, it's preferable. I know you don't believe me. I promise you your life will be better. You just got to trust me. Or at least watch enough videos where you trust some other people and give it a try. Let's see. Here's a question Mr. Oh what? Let's see. Peridian 1989 I know I butchered that. I'm sorry. Can someone stay so without AA and or N A you really can't stand those groups. Yes, there are many ways to get sober and you do not have to go a RNA Although I'm a big fan of Aaron, I love the 12 steps ups it most of the people that I treat get sober without going to AA or na. That's why they're there to send me. So yeah, it can be possible. The thing about AA and na that's helpful but you don't have to get it from there is just a reminder that it's still there and not to be sliding back into them like stages of denial. So if you can remember that whatever plan helps you do that, then you're good. It's going to work. What doesn't work is the bargaining phases of I can manage it, I can make it better, I can do less. I don't. I don't really think those phases work. But any other plan I'm good with. Natalie says, what if my ah, is that is ah, alcoholic husband something? Our addicted husband wants to go through a divorce and they are showing no emotions towards even the adult children and grandchildren. I think that it probably means that they're in one of these stages of it's just who I am and you guys just don't accept me. And I know it's hard as the family member to be like, how am I the bad guy in this? How are you mad at us when you're doing all this? But that's definitely a phase of it. When someone's in that phase, there's. There's not a lot you can do other than back up and give them some space so they can see the reality of it. Yeah. Anthony says for me, I cannot ever imagine going back to addiction. I was pretty bad on heroin and coke. See, Anthony is saying that and I know some of you guys don't know Anthony. I only know Anthony from These videos because he's a regular viewer and supporter. And I remember Anthony saying he couldn't imagine being sober and staying sober long term. Like he's in those early stages when things were so hard. And he's great evidence and proof that you will feel better. A few weeks back, Anthony was on Here Live. You can actually see his episode. Not last week, a week before, but we before that. So like beginning of December, there was an episode with Anthony on it. And he's got a cool story. You guys should check it out. E. Hopkins Denial is strong. Drinking numbs the bad, but also the good emotions. Amen. She let the booze win and lost me. Amber, you helped me understand it, but I reached my limit. Thanks and Merry Christmas and that's okay. Even though on this channel I'm here to help family members try to reach their loved one, I want you guys to all understand I get that there's a limit and I get that you have to balance your needs and their needs. And I would never tell anybody to say stay in a situation longer than you can tolerate and to like totally let yourself self destruct. Okay? Even there's what's good for them and there's what's good for you. And you're always in this balancing act of, of finding that balance. And sometimes you gotta, you gotta take care of you. And I would never judge anyone from that. In fact, in a lot of these situations, I would do exactly the same thing. Sonia and wv. Where's wv? This is the first live video I've got to watch. Thanks for sharing. Okay, Jan, my 78 year old mom is enabling. My 25 year old son emptied her bank account and has her car. How can I go about taking it away without conflict? You can't. So what if you can't? If I'm under. If I from understanding you right here, Jen. So what you're saying is you're the mom, but your mother, so the grandmother is enabling your kid. And I see this kind of thing a lot and it can be very, very frustrating. But I'm assuming by the time you got to this point you've, you've tried to talk to the grandmother about it and you've tried to talk sense and reason with them and you're not getting anywhere. And so as painful as is, you've got to step back and let grandma learned the lesson before your son is ever going to learn the lesson. So you can use all those same techniques that I teach you on how to talk and motivate someone with an addiction, you want to back up and you want to use all those techniques on your mom first, which is not throw it in her face, not try to force it and let her get out of denial. Because when she gets out of denial, then he'll get out of denial faster. So it's the same process. You just need to back up one step and do those phases and then it'll trickle down. I know that's frustrating, but if it's. If it's your mother's car and your mother isn't either, either she gave it to them or she's just refusing to take it back, it sucks. But there's not a lot you can do about that. And it, the consequence is gonna be for your son, but also for your mom. So it's sort of doubly hard, I think. Claire says my husband is in denial. Every time I see him drinking or high with weed, I'm turned off sexually. So no intimacy is almost gone. And that frustrates me, creates more issues. Any videos to help? That is tough. And I'll tell you when it's particularly tough, Sierra is sometimes when people drink, their. Their intimacy meter turns up and they're more interested in it, and that can create a major conflict. I know this may sound crazy. I don't even know. I don't even know how I feel about it. But one thing you can do is if that, if the intimacy is something that your partner wants more of, you can use that as a positive reinforcement. I'm not saying like you're ultimatum. I'm just saying like when they're doing good and they are sober, be more affectionate with them. Even just hugging, touching, sitting by them, hold their hand, show more affection. When they are sober in a good state of mind. You don't even. You don't even have to mention that's why you're doing it. But you are just like slowly, positively reinforcing that in the right way. Especially if that's something that's important to them, that's a strong motivator. Let's see here. Hey, mary. Hey, shelly. YouTube YouTube user watching YouTube. Hello, Amber. Do you have a video explaining how the brain changes with alcoholism? I do. I have a whole playlist called. I think it's called like the science of addiction or the biology of addiction. And it goes into the brain. The brain changes. So we have like playlist on the biology, playlist on the psychology, all of that nerd out science stuff, it's on here. So definitely look for those and check them out. See here. Hey, Vicki. Hey, Sonia. Oh, WV, WV. See, I'm just slow. Thank you for that. Mary Kay says I asked my husband to figure it out before he can come back. It's been five weeks. He's staying with his adult daughter and not at home with me. Yeah, and sometimes you have to set that boundary, but you need to have in your mind, what does figuring it out mean? Because he could call you up today and say, I get it, you're so right. Like I'm gonna do better. Does that, does that qualifies get it? Or does get it mean I've got three months sober. What does get it mean? So I would encourage you to clarify that for yourself. And even if he's away, if you are still hoping to make the relationship work and you are still in communication, you can still use a lot of my motivational techniques to help move that process along, if that's your goal and that's what you want to happen. Speaking of, when I hop off here, I will put a link in the description for how you can watch a real motivational interviewing session where you can see me use like those motivational techniques and how they work with someone who's in the stages of change process. The video is about someone who wants to stop smoking. It's not specifically about addiction, but it's all works the exact same way. You just replace the smoking with whatever you want to replace it with. The, the techniques, the communication techniques work the same. The reason I have it on there about that is because most people don't, whether actively in addiction, they're not in a good space to make a public video which they're okay with the whole world saying. So it's a little hard to get volunteers for that. So this person was already like sober from the primary addiction, but wanted to was considering stop smoking. And you can see all the techniques. I'll put the link for that. And you can actually watch that whole for free and kind of look at how that works. Thank you. Thank you so much everyone who joined us. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas next week. We will still be on track. We'll have a Tuesday video and a one o' clock Thursday video. I look forward to seeing everyone then. Bye everybody.