How Long Should I Hold Out Hope For My Addicted Spouse?

How long do you hold out hope for an addicted spouse before you just have to move on? That's what we're going to explore in this video. For those of you who are new here, this YouTube channel is all about helping you take your life and your family back from addiction and get back to living the life that you want to live. You know what made me think about this video was last week I was sitting in my office with a gentleman who I've been seeing for quite a long time now. And he's doing so well, remarkably well. His business is doing well, his marriage is on track, and he's finally gotten his life together. But I tell you what, it was a rough, rough road. And there were some points in there where I really thought his marriage wasn't going to make it. In fact, during the time that I've been working with this gentleman, he was probably asked to leave the house at least three times during the course of our work together. And I really thought this is just not gonna work because the more the addiction went on, the more family drama and chaos. Of course, and when that happens, it's not just the conflict with your spouse, but the. The children and the hurt feelings and the being in the house and out of the house. And then there's the extended family, like the in laws and the other parents and what everybody else thinks. It's like, can this family ever even come back from this? And I'll have to admit that when you're in the middle of this storm, sometimes it feels like it's never going to get better. But I have seen this situation turn around like a big, huge, giant turnaround lots and lots and lots of times. So obviously there's no black and white answer to how long you should hold out hope. But I would like to give you some general guidelines or ways of thinking to help you figure out what's right for you and make the best decision for your family. Now, the other day, one of our viewers left a comment on a video that said, my husband says he doesn't even want to quit drinking. Should I even keep trying at all? And I didn't really have the right response to respond back to that in the comments. So if that was you, I want you to know I did hear your question. I do have a lot of thoughts about it. It was just too much to put in the little comment section. However, my first thought when I read that question was this. First and foremost, no one has a drinking and drug problem, wants to stop using. It's just the way it is. And even when they're telling you they want to stop, maybe there's a part of them that wants to stop and a part of them that doesn't. So I wouldn't necessarily let a statement like that stand in my way. I know it's disheartening to hear, but there are a few other things I want you to take a look at in addition to just that statement. They all say that, at least in the beginning, does your loved one realize on any level that they have a problem with the substance? So maybe they don't call themselves a. An addict or an alcoholic, but they'll say, well, I drink too much, or sometimes I go a little overboard, or I need to stop doing this or stop doing that. If you're hearing any kind of statements like that, what that means is that they are in the contemplation stage of change. And I have more videos that elaborate on these stages of change. But essentially, when they're in this stage, it's kind of a bargaining phase. It's a realization that something's out of hand, but I don't want to stop completely. So there's a lot of trial and error and bargaining with it that goes on. They'll try all kinds of different little tactics to get it straight. The unfortunate truth of it is, most of the time, those tactics don't work. But I do want you to understand that even if it's not perfect and even if they keep trying things that aren't working, it's actually a sign that they're moving along in those stages of change. So I don't want you to feel completely disheartened by the situation. It truly does take a little figuring out for pretty much everyone. Now you might be thinking, well, okay, what if they admit they have a problem, but they're minimizing it? Like they say, okay, yeah, like, whatever, I'm alcoholic, but I'm a fuck functioning alcoholic, and I work hard and I provide for this family, so who cares? So it's kind of like they're sort of admitting it, but then they're like, but it doesn't really bother anybody but me, so I'm not really gonna stop. I would call that minimizing the problems. And when someone's in this phase, probably some more difficult situations are gonna have to arise to get their attention to say, you know what? This is causing more problems than I thought. And then they'll probably move to that bargaining stage like we just talked about. I can't tell you how many times I've Been working with clients and they're doing this like trial and error, trying to figure it out. They' good, they'll have slips, they'll do good. And I know that they're really close because I see this all the time. I know that there's a lot of this involved in the recovery process, but so many times the spouse really just gets worn out and it's just too little too late. I gotta tell you, I don't blame the spouse at all. As a therapist, it's a little bit hard for me to watch because I'm like, oh, they're so close. They're gonna get this. They're gonna get this. I can definitely see both sides of the situation. And there are for sure times when you need to at least back up from the Maybe you're not giving up hope completely. Maybe you're not saying I'm divorcing you, but you need to back up now. Here are three really quick reasons why you might want to do that. First and foremost, if whatever they're doing is putting you and or your children or other family members in danger, like seriously, it's not cool. They're having drug dealers in and out of the house, they're drinking and driving, they become abusive when they're drinking, whatever, if it's a major safety issue, then you have to deal with that. That doesn't mean that you're giving up on your spous, but it does mean that you have to deal with safety first. Another time when it might be time to get a little distance in a situation like that is if it's got you to the point that you don't even recognize yourself anymore, like I call it, when it's gotten you to flat out crazy and you don't trust yourself and you've turned into like the FBI officer and you're constantly investigating and you're constantly arguing and it's all you can think about and you can't even function at work and you can't even concentrate on the kids and you're just not even you. That's another clue that it is time to back up and get a little distance from the situation. Now one other thing you may want to think about is even if they're not physically putting you or other people in danger, but emotionally and mentally, the whole situation is just abusive and it's just not good. Like they're constantly yelling or angry or raging or threatening or saying mean nasty things or even stealing or taking things. To me, that's kind of like being held hostage emotionally and mentally. And that is also not okay. You see, here's the deal. It's like, no matter what you choose, if your spouse is struggling with an addiction, you are in an impossible position. There is no good answer, especially if there are children involved. And it's you that has everything weighing on your shoulders. You probably feel like you've been the responsible one the whole time. You feel like you're holding the whole house together. And no matter what decision you choose, you feel like you're letting someone down or you're doing the wrong thing. If you choose to stay, you're like, am I doing the right thing? Is this. Is this messing up my kids? If I choose to leave, you're thinking, am I doing the right thing? Is this messing up my kids? And it's just so very difficult. One thing I will remind you that might help you just a little bit is that you don't have to make a forever decision right this moment. At least not in most cases. You can choose, okay, I'm gonna stay for today. But you can work quietly and kind of behind the scenes to get yourself an escape plan. If you need it, you have it there. And if you do need to back up, it doesn't mean that you have to be back up. And distance forever situations could change. It doesn't even mean you have to quit talking to your loved one unless that's unsafe. You can keep that relationship going while at the same time giving yourself and your family a little more sanity as you do it. I always say when you have a front row seat to this, it's really hard to keep your sanity in check. Now, I know that this is a big, complicated situation and every one of your situations is completely different. And it's very hard to give you general information that's going to apply across the board. But these things we've talked about in this video are pretty applicable no matter what. However, if you're still struggling and you're not sure what to do in your situation, you may want to think about having a consultation with one of our family recovery specialists. We've collected all the puzzle pieces. We can then give you our best, most strategic, individualized plan for your situation. If you want to learn more about that, I will put the link in the descript. Now, up next, I have for you a video about a spouse who was in just that exact same situation. And you can hear from her how that story went, what they went through, and how things stand now. It's right up here. All you have to do is click it.