How Loved Ones Fuel Addiction

In sports, football particularly, the best defense is an offense. And this is also true when in real life, when someone is doing something wrong. So in addiction, it is very, very, very true that the best defense is an offense. What do I mean by that? First, I'm gonna break it down what they do that would support this theory, why they do it, and then what we can do. To offset that. So what they do is they do anything to be the victim, but that includes blaming, deflecting. And by deflecting, I mean putting the light over here when you're trying to put the light over here. So you might say something like, it seems like you've been drinking this afternoon. Well, for God's sakes, the dishwasher was completely dirty and I couldn't even get a glass in there. So yeah, maybe, but you know, that's because the dishwasher, Obviously you can hear the oxymoronic quality of that. It doesn't make sense, but that's what deflecting is. Gaslight— this is very similar to deflecting, except they will like turn the situation back on you in that they'll twist it around a little bit so that you're wrong. They accuse us. They flat out say, you've been going through my things, you were in my room. Maybe true, maybe not true, but That's what they'll do to flip it. They attack us and they fight pick. They criticize. And by fight picking, this is a huge one because this is chronic. And the reason they do this is so that they can go use or justify the use that they just did because you did something wrong. So they might say something like, like this is a classic famous story. My son did this to me years ago. I was sitting on the sofa. Drinking my tea, reading a book, and he came down the stairs. There's already somebody out there to pick him up, and he says, "Oh my God, you look so stupid sitting on the sofa reading." Now, in his defense, the sofa was red with big white swirls on it at the time, and I did have on red corduroys with the white turtleneck. But that's beside the point. Well, what I did wrong, and so how this gets fuel, is I said something like, "I can't believe you're." I can't believe you're saying that. Like, why are you being so rude? Like. I'm just sitting here reading. And so that little tiny exchange, and if you're, if you think about it, raise your hand if this happens to you chronically, is that little tiny thing took in his little addicted brain, well, I wasn't gonna go use, but mom looks stupid on the sofa. And that moronic thing is fuel for addiction. And they do it to us all the time. I hear about clients saying it all the time. Like, yeah, they found fault with the fact that I made spaghetti for dinner and I know they love spaghetti or I don't like the pillows on the bed. These little things that have nothing to do with addiction and truly are very separate from some of this deflecting and gaslight and accusation that I talked about. Those little tiny things are feeding it all day long. So be very aware of those. They also do some negative self-talk or self-loathing, which is, oh, I'm just a worthless person. You know, I know I'm worst husband ever. You love the other children. Like, and that's again, like, so that we'll come back in and feed the opposite messaging, which is you're great. No, that's not it. Because very rarely do we say, you're right, I love the other children more than I love you. Even though you might like the other children more than you like the addicted one, but you don't say that. You go in and you defend it. So all of these things are, I guess, like soft blankets or protective things that they put in place to protect themselves and to fuel their addiction. So, so that's, those are examples of things that they're going to do. Why they do it is to, maybe they lie to avoid being caught where they deflect and to avoid being nailed down. Definitely they do all of these things to keep the addiction going, to fuel it. They do it to avoid consequences and conflict. So it's easier to maybe have a, Truncate a conversation and argument by saying, "I'm just the worst husband ever." You can hear how that just shutting that conversation off, which avoids the conflict and the consequences that might have ensued had that conversation kept going. Another way they do that is the reason they do that is frankly the big one, which is to avoid shame. Remember, addiction is a shame-based disease, and so. The disease does everything possible to avoid feeling that shame, which is that whole justification and rationalization of why we're using, which feeds right into what we're talking about today. Is you know the fueling system is to feed the system, and so these other things are to keep you out there, keeping their denial perpetuated. So if they can flip it over to you, they don't have to think she's right. I I did drink today, or I did drink seven beers. I Told her it was only two, and she didn't believe it. But I'm gonna stick with it. So that's to keep their denial going and to buy time. Addiction's favorite word—one of its favorite words—is tomorrow. I'll stop tomorrow. I won't do this again tomorrow. On Monday, I'll stop. I have a client right now whose husband is trying to stop drinking, but it's always Monday, and yet on Monday he has a drink, and so then he says, "Well, next Monday." So this is like the best strategy I've ever heard because that Monday is never going to happen. So what we can do about it is really important. All right. Because otherwise we just get stuck in the conflict of their addiction and, and we lose ourselves. And this is what Kim and I talk about a lot is sort of how we lose our peace by trying to get ahead of their addiction or slow their addiction or stop the problem or intercede somehow. So what we can do is Use very simple statements. If they said, "Well, I only did that because the dishwasher was empty," you can say, "Well, dishwasher was was empty. No, the dishwasher was full. It was full, but I don't know. I don't think that's a good reason to drink, but you might." And just acknowledge it and then flip it back on them, or just say, "Oh, you're probably right." You can totally even own it. Like even as stupid as that example is, you can say, "Oh, I get it." And walk out of the room. They know, they know that that's not the thing. But what they're trying to do is get you embroiled. And all of the strategies for you to do is to recognize, how do I not get sucked into this? Because by being sucked into it, we are fueling the addiction for all the above patterns that we're talking about. So it seems like you're being hard on yourself. That makes me sad. You're right. I am a terrible mother. Just walk out of the room. Do not feed it. Also, you guys don't ask questions to things you already know the answer. Have you been drinking? You already know that, or you wouldn't have asked it. Don't do it. You're feeding the addiction because now we're gonna have a fight over it. Okay? And when we have the fight, then they find the reason to blame it on us. And so by even asking the question, we are losing the fight. So another example of that would be. Did you go to school today? Did you? Did you take money out of the bank account? That's a big one. Did you take money out of my wallet? They're just going to lie, which is going to fuel the shame, which is going to fuel all the things that they do to get rid of that shame. So it's just like a giant knot, and we have to recognize that our role in it is to get out of it, is to not. Have that role. Don't take the bait. Do not take the bait. That goes back to that fishhook conversation we were having about the sofa and me in the red out red and white outfit. Don't take the bait. Just say, "Oh, you're right. I do look pretty stupid, don't I?" And just go with it. Just don't even don't even get into it. Use the empowerment triangle. And for those of you that don't know what the empowerment triangle is, is. You empathize, you validate, and you empower. So if he said, I was, um, had a terrible, terrible day at work today, and, um, I drank 4 beers, you could say, I'm so sorry you had a terrible day at work. I hate it when I have a terrible day at work too, so I get it. But maybe next time you'll choose to do something besides 4 beers, or you're a smart guy, you know how to do that differently. So you don't, you don't get sucked into it. Okay? Don't be the sponge and get sucked into it. Just flip it back very nicely and very empathetically back into their court. Use false humility. And that goes back to sort of what I was talking about at the top by simple statements is, hmm, I don't, I don't recall that. Oh, that's an interesting perspective. Kim had a client the other day that said something like, I drink because the house is dirty. Hmm, that's an interesting perspective. Don't, don't— well, that's a stupid reason. Um, well, the house is dirty because you drink. You're just fueling the addiction when you engage. Just remember this, you guys, you do not want to play tennis. And all these strategies that they're using to fuel their addiction is sort of getting you in there to play tennis. And when we start to play tennis with an addict or addiction in general, We are not going to win. We're not going to win the match. We're not going to win the game. We're not going to win the set. We're not going to win the point. So don't do it. Just don't do it. Don't play tennis. You can bat. You can do— we're on sports analogy now. You can, you can do baseball and you can bat it away by saying, you might be right, or, hmm, interesting perspective. That's sort of batting it. It doesn't— it does— it just lands. And if they, if they pick it back up and try to throw it at you, just say, I, I have to go. I'm busy. I've, I've I forgot that I was meeting Jane for a cup of coffee. Something. If you're gonna bat it, don't, don't try. You're not gonna catch it because then you're just playing tennis with a different sport. You know, one of those would be hmm, hmm, or I'll have to think about that. These are really very neutral, neutral statements. Okay? And that's what you really the overarching thing today is: don't be part of their fueling of the addiction. Don't be part of it. Don't even be the gas pump. Don't be the nothing. You just recognize what's happening, get out of it as fast as you can, and know why they're doing it. Okay. All right. See what questions we have. Somebody has 60 days of sobriety. I saw super quickly. So congratulations to you. That is outstanding news. All right. This question is, my ex-wife is in denial. I think she's using meth. Recently during a video chat, a man who I don't know threatened me with a gun, showed me a lot of money. Should I allow parenting time? No, not if that's happening. That's a safety issue. Safety trumps— oh, she hasn't worked a full-time job in 2 years now. I find she's been supported by a drug dealer. Yeah, I think again, you're all right. And the end part of the question is, how do I not be the bad guy in the situation? So let's go over that super fast. Doing something that is the right thing to do, even if it is perceived as being the wrong thing to do, is not being in the bad guy role. Remember, there's a difference between being the bad guy and being dragged into the role. In this case, we are protecting children, and that may be perceived as bad, but you and I, everybody watching this knows that this is the right thing to do. You can do it kindly. You can use nice tone of voice. You can say, "Hey, in light of what I've seen recently, I'm very not comfortable with the children spending time with you, and so for the time being, I'm just not going to allow that." And I'm glad you've put in that order of protection. You may need it. But you can give bad news, and you can give harsh consequences to somebody with a nice tone of voice. They again are probably going to drag you in, but that goes right into what I just talked about. Dragging someone into the bad guy role is a is a method of method of fueling the addiction, right? So don't discern between the difference and recognize why it's being done. All right, but yes, absolutely don't let the children. That's it for questions. So the person who's good in sixty days is using Zoom meetings, which I'm super. Glad to hear about because I have a lot of clients that say that Zoom meetings—they're not going to try them because they don't feel connected. So I'm really glad to hear that the Zoom is working for you. I always encourage them to do it, but I've never actually talked to someone who's done one. So yay, that's good to know. All right, all right, Kaylin. Sorry you won't be able to. Chat, and you're very welcome for all that we do. We—it's a most fabulous job in the world. All right, so let me talk a little bit more about this while we see some more questions that are going to pop up. So the disease of addiction has to be fed, right? And just like—and also one of the ways they do this, you guys, is they lie, and the lying pathway in our brain. Is like the strongest pathway in our brain, and the more it's used, the stronger it gets. So addicts often lie about things that they don't need to lie about at all because they're so used to lying to themselves, to twist situations to fuel the disease. Those are all lies, right? Those are lies they tell themselves. They're also lying to everybody else around them— their bosses, their spouses, their parents, their friends. And so every time they do this, it gets stronger and stronger and stronger. And then that pathway becomes like automatic. So that's another reason to not ask questions when you know the answer to it. They will lie. No one ever says, have you used drugs today? And says yes. They always say no. What are you talking about? My God, get off my back. You're such a nag. And that's a lie. And so as we're, as we're asking those questions that are going to force them to lie, We are fueling the addiction because we are strengthening addictive thinking. So you can see how it's just like one of those things when you were little and we did with a string, like cat's cradle and witch's broom. As we feed into this, we're just weaving a thing which allows them to have a different picture at the end. So be very, very careful about that because that pathway, shoot, and that can last for 3, 4 months after they stopped using. I was once running group. And this kid was sitting in group, and he had on his feet were up on the coffee table, and I could see a sticker, $79.99. Could see it on the bottom of his shoe. I'm old, and I was ten feet away, so it was clearly perfectly visible. So I said, "Oh, you got new shoes?" No, I didn't. Like, "Oh, did you? Do you take those shoes off when you go outside, and you just put them back on when you get on rug?" No. Do you wear boots and put your shoes on when you come in the office today? No. I'm like, oh, well, he goes, ah, yes, they're new. I don't even know why I lied about that. And that sort of led us to that conversation about the lying pathway. And so with our loved ones, we don't want to strengthen that because it'll just be longer and longer after they stop using before they can walk away from that pattern, which is irritating as thunder. All right, Adriana. My boyfriend is an addict but in denial. How can I get help? Are you asking for help for yourself or helping getting help for your boyfriend? If it's for yourself, the answer is to stop focusing on it. Stop trying to talk him into seeing that to get him out of denial. Focus on yourself. Allow allow the consequences to happen. Allow external things to happen, like he falls or he runs out of money. Oh, for him! Okay. You really can't get help for someone who's in denial because they don't believe there's a problem, or they're not willing to admit that there's a problem. You can get help for yourself, which is to understand the neurobiology of addiction, to understand why this is happening, to sort of. Think about these things we talked about at the beginning of the video, which is these patterns of of communication and behavior that would allow us to see the problem. They're not seeing it because their brain is rationalizing and justifying what they're thinking or saying. Disease of addiction will make sure that it thrives and lives, and no matter what we say, we're not going to get somebody out of denial. We have to wait for something to happen, and they say. To themselves, hmm, maybe I have a problem. So pre-contemplation, remember, is I don't have a problem. You're crazy. When that happens, just stop talking about the problem. Contemplation is hmm, maybe I have a problem, but I don't think so. So again, still in denial. Preparation is out of denial, which is yeah, it's a problem. I need to do something about it, but I'll start on Monday. And that goes back to sort of the client that I'm seeing. Her husband's constantly waiting for the next Monday. That's preparation stage. Then there's action, and then there's maintenance, which is staying in action and staying sober forever. But the disease loves to pull them in and out, pull them in and out. So the more we talk about it and point it out and focus on it, the more they're going to go back out and deny it and defend it. So Don't do that. Let that let that happen naturally. If it's too difficult, if you can't do it, then it's okay to take a break from the relationship, or it's okay to put distance on it. Setting those boundaries of how much of this front seat do I want to have to this situation with somebody who's in complete denial, and in complete denial, they're going to be they're just going to be using right because they don't have a problem. So I think this is sort of a self-care topic. be honest, for you is to think about how much of this do I really wanna watch and how much of this do I really wanna be embroiled in? We can't really get help for anyone else. That's the problem. How do you respond when they are self-loathing and feeling sorry for themselves? Can't agree. So would you just ignore it rather than say, no, you're good? I would say something like, I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. Or hmm, that's not how I see it. But I don't think you're gonna talk them out of it if it's further fueling their addiction. They're not gonna be talked out of it. So I would maybe say, why do you say that? And if they actually said something like, I don't know, that would start a conversation, I'd pull that string and go with it. So let's just say my husband said. I'm the worst husband ever. She would never say. I would say, why do you say that? He'd say, cuz you did all the work for this visit with our family and I really just let you do it and I feel bad about myself. In that case, I would say, well, in that instance, I would've liked more help, but that doesn't make you the bad, the worst husband ever. So I'm acknowledging why he's saying it, but I'm also saying that's not Doesn't warrant the statement. If my son, who is high as a kite and just broke, punched a hole in the wall, um, said, well, I guess you're just gonna say I'm the worst son ever. I would say, nope, that's absolutely not what I was getting ready to say. And I would just keep moving. Uh, you can't get in there and say, no, you're not. You're not. If they're saying it for a purpose, they're, The purpose is more important than the outcome. The purpose is more important than the conversation, and that's where you have to recognize because the minute you start that, if it is for a purpose, you're playing tennis because then he's going to say, "No, really, I am." You're just saying that. No, I'm not, honey. And again, that's you want to get out of that pattern of behavior. You want to get out of the pattern of communication because that's what's fueling it. All right, turtles and plants—that's fun. Can you give us some strategies to keep my head my head clear when the addict is pressuring me to? Believe his stories. For example, taking care of that taking care of myself and the children is doing something horrible to him. Well, you got to recognize that he has a need for you to believe his stories. So I think you can say that's an interesting perspective. That's not my intent. I think if you think about that, honey, you'll realize that maybe that's not 100% true. True. I think again, it's the strategy. Why is he telling you those stories? Why is he? Why is he saying that taking care of yourself and the children is is harming him? It's so that he can be the victim. So there's no point in engaging in a big old conversation about this because the disease has to be the victim. The disease is going to find any way possible to be the victim to mitigate the shame. For what they have done, are getting ready to do, or did. So I would just—I have—I to be honest, I have really short conversations with addiction. If I've got a client that's coming in and he's just like making up all this crap to defend sort of what's going on, just say, "Wow, that must have been crazy," and then I change the subject. Or, "Huh, that's nuts," and I change the subject. I'm not going to be like. You're right. Stealing those this twelve pack was a really good idea because you know Quip Trip's just a bad store. Like you're not gonna just just say huh well I'm glad you didn't get caught. Like just know what the purpose is and don't play the game. Carla, my son admits he has a problem, but he thinks that he'll be able to drink in moderation later on in his life. What's the best way to let him get out of that kind of denial? Well, you absolutely don't argue with it. You just say, well, I hope that when he comes to that decision, you have some good solid resource points to bounce that off of. Don't say no, you're not. No, you can't. Because he might. He actually might. Probably not, but he could. So the only way they get out of denial is by trying it and failing. And I learn I call this the great American experiment. It very often succeeds, but you can't say to someone that's not going to work. You're crazy. I could say something like, well, I hope that you are successful with that. Research tells me that you probably won't be, but you know what? You could be the one that beats the odds, or you could be in that small minority that is able to do that. Usually those same clients will come back in six months later and say, yeah, I gave that a whirl and it bit me in the fanny. So. I just, I've learned I really just can't. Amber and I used to have, well, it was Amber's client. I was just the intern. She had this client that came in and he was, um, had been sober for maybe 3 months and he came back in. He said, okay, so you're not gonna like this, but I'm going camping. And camping's where this guy pretty much did a lot of his drinking. And Amber said, okay, well, do you feel solid about it? He goes, absolutely. It's gonna be great. So he comes back. We don't, we don't see him again. Like, he misses his next weekly appointments for like a month. He finally comes in very sheepish, and we're like, where have you been? Like, what's up, dude? And he goes, well, you remember the camping? We were like, yeah. He said, so I decided that I would just buy 2 tall boys to take up to the campsite, one for both night, one for each night that I was going to be there. So I loaded those in the cooler with you know my snacks, my food for dinner, and I drank them on the way. So then when I passed the last gas station on the way up the hill to go to my campsite, I decided well I'll just buy, I'll get two more, and then I'll just drink one tonight and one tomorrow. But then I got inside and I thought well I really should just get like a six pack. So he buys a six pack, he drinks the six pack on the way to the campsite, and then decides well I can't not have beer for tomorrow. So he turns around. And goes back to the gas station to buy another six-pack, but he gets pulled and gets a DUI on the way down to the gas station. And so because it was not his first DUI, he had spent some time behind bars. And instead of shaming him or doing anything, we Amber just kind of laughed and she said, "What do you have to say, Campbell?" I said, "Well, what'd you learn?" And he said, "Not to camp." And we're like, "Okay, good job." So again, we could have said to him right there in that you know first session when he said, "I'm going camping." This is an error. Don't do this. This—it's too soon. You're not ready. Take other people. But he did. We didn't because you can't talk someone out of denial. You have to let them learn the hard way. Unfortunately, it's terrible again. Hard to have a front seat, and that's where for parents it's particularly hard if the child is living at home, and for spouses hard because the spouse is living at home, and there are often little children involved. But if you can. You can get out of taking the front row seat to it. All right, Luke. My father is a cocaine addict and has moved into the summer house in the garden. Whenever he calls me, I feel stressed. How far should you go with boundaries? Should I buy his food and do his laundry? I definitely would not be doing his laundry. You can buy his food if if you're doing it for you. If you're doing it because it makes you too uptight or too sad or You can't put your pillow, your head on your pillow at night because you don't want your dad to be hungry, then buy him food. If you're doing it because your dad won't buy his own food and is just sitting out there doing drugs and is waiting, you know, feeling entitled, then I wouldn't do it. Um, this, these— that's a gray question in my mind because maybe the right answer is not— the brain answer is not what the heart answer needs to be. So I think for you, Luke, you're gonna have to decide. Am I gonna feel terrible if I don't feed him? Am I gonna feel terrible if I don't do the laundry? Or am I doing it because he's not doing it and someone has to do it? You know, I would— addiction doesn't respond to consequences, but until something happens for them to determine their life is unmanageable, they don't recognize that they truly have a problem. So you're— again, this is sort of a gray question, and I would do what your heart tells you to do. Absolutely. All right, Dale. My alcoholic loved one is starting showing signs of liver damage. Are there different approaches to use at this stage to help break through the denial preparation cycle? I think the way I the approach that I would use is to ask your loved one upon receiving that news: How do you feel about that? What is is that is that making you scared? Is that Do you believe that? I would ask questions for them to sort of breadcrumb themselves to the truth. But if you start harping on it, they'll just deny it, right? They'll be, it's not that bad. It's just the beginning. Your— my liver— livers repair themselves. Like, calm down. So you don't wanna over-highlight it, but you can ask questions around the topic so that they can see, God, like, yeah, I am kind of scared about that. Maybe I should do something about that. You know, I've been trying to stop drinking, but I'm really not having any luck. Maybe I need to go seek some professional help. Like the more you softly encourage thought, the more the action will actually be happening on their part. The more we shine the flashlight, harp, point out this is horrible, you've gotta stop. Like, didn't you hear the doctor? They're, we're going the opposite way. Okay, so don't do that. All right, do we have one more quickie? My husband had one year of sobriety but has relapsed repeatedly over the last six months. He is currently in detox and does not want me to tell our adult children. I don't want to lie. Advice: I wouldn't tell your adult children, but if they say, "Where's Dad? Haven't heard from Dad lately. Can I talk to Dad?" Then don't lie. But if he doesn't want you to tell, I wouldn't overtly. Call them all or text them all and say, hey, BTW, Dad's in detox. But if it comes up organically, I wouldn't lie. All right, we are out of time. What, what do you do if he wants no contact even after trying to reach out after a realistic time frame? I honor no contact. I— if they would say they want contact, I would give it to them, because if you, if you don't If they relapse, if they use, it's going to be because you didn't honor the no contact. So again, you don't want to fuel the addiction by engaging in a way that they're not going to engage in well. All right, we are out of time for today. I hope fueling the addiction was a helpful topic. I hope that we put the links in this video for our membership, because if this was helpful, then maybe you would like to be curious about what our membership entails. And then we put links in if anybody needs individual sessions. With either Kim or me. So anyway, hope that helps. It was great to see you guys. All right, bye-bye.