How Many Chances Should You Give Your Addicted Loved One?

Everyone asks me, how many chances should I give my addicted loved one? But I'm going to tell you right now, that's actually the wrong question. It's not even the question that you should be asking. The question isn't about them and their honesty. It's not about whether or not they deserve another chance, and it's not even about whether or not they're manipulating you or being genuine. The real question is completely different. And when you hear it, everything is going to shift. By the end of this video, you're going to know the one question that you should be asking, and it's going to take all the guilt, all the confusion, and the second-guessing off your shoulders. Stay with me because this is going to change the way that you make that decision forever. Drop a heart in the comments if you've given more chances than you, than you can even count. And let me know if you're watching on the replay or you're watching live. Those of you that are watching live, welcome. I am so glad you're here. We are going to be taking questions and comments. There's a new feature on the software we use where if you actually put a question mark in your chat, it will signal us that you're trying to ask us questions. So go ahead and be getting those questions up there. And when we get to that point, Bree is making a list now so she can get ready to put those on the screen. So the whole idea behind this video is because I got asked this question just this week. Someone was talking to me about, I've given them so many chances and they do good for a little while and then they fall off the wagon. And when they fall off the wagon, they tend to get really defensive and they act like it's no big deal, or they act like they never said they weren't going to drink or use again or whatever. And then they make me feel like I'm the crazy one. I know you guys know what this feels like. It's a little something we talk about on this channel a lot. It's called gaslighting, right? And you're stuck feeling like you've got to choose between, um, being the good guy or the bad guy here because you're stuck thinking, well, if I don't give them another chance, then I'm the villain here. I'm the bad guy. Or it means, or they're going to take that to mean I don't love them. Or they're going to just backlash and it's going to make everything worse. It kind of plays on your guilt. It plays on your, the part of you that questions yourself. Am I making the right decision? Is what I think happening? Is that really happening? It leaves you all feeling confused and frustrated. But that's actually not how you should be framing this question. What's going on here that's keeping you so stuck and frustrated is because you're feeling exhausted. You're feeling worn out. You're feeling like you have to choose between being the bad guy or the good guy. You have to choose between enabling or drawing a hard line. But again, that's really not actually what's going on. You don't have to feel guilty about this. Everyone else is probably going to have an opinion about what you should do. If you ask me, if you're on a session with me and you ask me, should you give them one more chance? I'm probably going to tell you to give them one more chance because you guys know that I advocate for the person with the addiction. Can't help it. I guess being a defense attorney is just in my blood, right? But if you ask your friend, your friend's probably going to tell you something totally different. Other people are going to tell you you're enabling if you don't walk away. When you have an addicted loved one, you're constantly caught in this trap between feeling like an idiot if you stay or a jerk if you go, right? And I know some of you, it might not be a stay or a go question. It might be more of a, should I help them one more time? Should I keep helping them financially? Should I even keep contact with them? There's a lot of layers that goes into this whole question. And then you're thinking, well, why is this time going to be different? What if you're— what if you walk away and they really are genuine and they really are trying to change? You see, this whole thing is just too confusing. And you don't have to try to figure it all out because it's almost impossible to figure out. I've been doing this a long time and it's really hard for me because the problem isn't Always about whether or not they're being genuine and they're really going to try this time. Because sometimes they are really being genuine and they're, in fact, most of the time they are really being genuine and they really are going to try, but they could be fooling themselves, right? So it's not even about, are they going to try? Because maybe they're going to try, but maybe they don't really have a good idea about what they really need to do in order to make this problem go away. So it could be a totally genuine try and it's still not work. That's why I say you can't keep yourself caught up in the madness of constantly trying to figure out, are they lying to me? Are they lying to themselves? Am I being a pushover here? Am I enabling if I do this? You're just confusing the decision. This decision should be made based on where you're at emotionally, not based on whether or not you think they're lying. Or deceiving or manipulating you, or they're genuine. None of that stuff. Giving them another chance and deciding your boundaries, whatever that another chance means, whether that's like your partner and you're staying in the relationship, whether that's your child and it's like, keep helping them, you know, or your brother or your sister, whatever that give another chance means to you. It really should be. about you and not about them. The truth of it is it's going to take people who have an addiction a lot of tries to get better, even when they are genuine and even when they are, when they do mean it. So like, you got to decide, do I have enough emotional reserves to continue down this pathway? Now, there are a lot of things you can do That actually keep your emotional reserves up. And the way that you do that is you have realistic expectations about what this process looks like. Like, for example, you guys know I talk on here all the time about it takes a lot of chances. I talk on here about the bargaining process. And if you're really honest with yourself and you understand that we're in the bargaining process, you're not going to be completely on empty every time it doesn't work. In fact, If you really follow my work and you really understand the philosophy behind how to get this person that you love to see that there's an addiction and to conquer this problem, you might actually feel kind of, I hate to say it, but like jazzed up when it doesn't work, right? When they fall off the cliff, not because you want them to suffer, but because you're trying to get them to see the depth of the problem. And when you can look at it that way, you do have more emotional reserves because it doesn't devastate you when that happens, because you have a realistic look at how this process is going to work. You don't have to be the judge of their honesty and their genuineness. All you have to do is be the owner of your own boundaries and your own emotional reserves. Okay? So don't Let yourself feel like you have the option between being the good guy and the bad guy, because that's not really what's going on here. I do have videos on here, lots of them. In fact, if you really have a hard time figuring out are you being manipulated or not, there's actually a whole playlist of videos on this channel about manipulation. What are the signs and the symptoms? And I do think it's good for you to know that, but I don't necessarily think. that you should be making the decision about giving someone one more chance or not based on the manipulation. Because sometimes if you follow my methods, you just, sometimes you might know they're manipulating you, but you just allow it to go down because you have a strategy. If you're new to this channel and you're like, what the heck is she talking about? Then hey, we're glad you're here. Welcome to our community. My name is Amber Hollingsworth. You're watching the YouTube channel called Put the Shovel Down. And this channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction from all the angles, like from the angle of the person, if you're the person that might be struggling with it, if you, or from the perspective of the loved one. And this whole idea about, are they manipulating or not? It's all about strategy. And I do teach on here, like sometimes you give more chances, not because of whether or not you think they're manipulating, not because of whether or not you think it's going to work or not. Because you have a strategy. On this channel, we talk about being 5 steps ahead of addiction. And when you're ahead of it and falls happen, you're just, you're literally not as devastated because you understand that it's part of the process and you have a whole plan of what you're going to do when that happens. If every time someone falls off, as in like they were doing good and then they have a relapse or they go back to using or drinking or doing as much of whatever their addiction was as they was before. If you are under the impression that every single time they do better, this is it, this is it, then you're going to be devastated when it doesn't work. But when you shift the way you think about this, you have, you just have a lot more gasoline in the tank to withstand the ups and downs of this process. So take the pressure off. The good news is you don't have to be the judge, right? All you have to do is be the judge of where you're at emotionally, about where you're at and your genuineness, about where you're at and how much you can take or not take. And it doesn't even have to be a complete, like, I'm with them or I'm not, right? Like, I encourage you guys not to set these all or nothing rules, like, Um, if you drink one more time, I'm divorcing you. Or if I find X, Y, or Z, you have to move out or anything like that. All you do when you set those kinds of all or nothing rules, they're not boundaries. They're really, they're kind of, well, I guess they're, I don't know. They're really rules. You, you back yourself into a corner and you don't leave yourself room for a game time decision. And then that's what puts you in that position to feel like you have to decide at this point, do I give them another chance or not? Because you've said, this is it. This is your final. This is your last go around or whatever. I encourage you to never, ever say, say that because you just don't know what the situation is going to be. You don't know how you're going to feel about it. And you want to leave yourself room to make a game time decision based on where you're at emotionally. And based on just how you feel about the whole situation. So you don't have to give a, you have 5 chances, 3 chances, 1 chance. You can say something more vague, which is what I recommend. If you feel like you have to like give them sort of like, um, what, what Kim calls like an information update about where you're at, you can say, listen, I can't live in this insanity forever, right? Because this is, This isn't good for me, or this isn't good for me and the kids, or whoever's in the house, or whatever. And you can say something like, I can't promise that I'm going to give you infinite chances. But you don't have to say exactly how many. Again, that just backs you into a corner and it puts you in that bad guy position. And then you have to decide, should I give them another chance or not? Where you feel bad if you don't give them another chance, but you feel like a liar. Or enabler if you do give them another chance. But when you leave it open like that, it doesn't mean that you have to continue down this path with them forever. It just gives you the option and doesn't make you feel like you're enabling if you do give them another chance, or like you're the bad guy if you don't, right? So give yourself the breathing room to make that. Stop asking yourself how many chances is too many. I never tell people when to leave or cut off the relationship with an addicted loved one, whether that's emotionally or financially or what, because you're going to know when you get there and you won't need me to tell you. In fact, even if I came and told you to give them 5 more chances, you would be done and you would say, no, I'm done. Right? You're just, you're going to know. I can give you a little piece of advice about making these decisions. And I will tell you that You shouldn't ever, I encourage you not to, try not to make the decision that you're done in the heat of a moment or of like of an argument. Because when you've made that decision that you're absolutely done out of a really strong emotion, almost sort of impulsively in the moment, you're likely to not stick to that. Because when the emotion is gone that fueled that decision, then you're gonna— Possibly regret your decision and you could start backtracking on your decision. The decision to be done really should be based on you, but also thought through. This is not about they had one more lapse. This is not about I'm really angry with you in the moment. It's either about your emotional reserve, your safety, or you've just thought it through and you just realize that You're done. Not— it's not about whether or not you giving them one more chance is going to make them be in recovery or not. That's just too complicated, right? Make this decision a lot more simple and you'll be feeling better about it. And actually you'll be doing your addicted loved one a service by not trying to create all those complications. It's, I don't know why we do this, but we feel like we have to set these rules or limits for people. I think it's because I don't know where this comes from, but somewhere deep down inside, it's almost like informed consent. We feel like we have to give them a heads up, but you don't really. Right? I promise you, if you're watching this video, you've already given a bazillion chances before you ever got to this video. Okay? So like, if you're asking yourself, am I being mean or haven't given enough chances? If you're here watching this video, you've probably Technically given enough chances to be fair. Okay. So let me just go ahead and grant you, uh, you are fair if you need to leave or you're done, right? Because you didn't get to this video by accident. You didn't get to this video the first time something happened, right? You got to this because it's been a long time coming, right? So if it's the time for you to shut it off or take distance, maybe it's not forever, but maybe it's just take some distance for a little bit. That's okay. You don't have to feel guilty about that because you're making that decision based on you, not based on the other person. Okay. We're about to the point we're going to take some questions, some comments, some concerns, because I know that this is a hot topic. I know if you're watching this, that you have struggled with this before. And I'd love to hear from you guys. Do you feel guilty if you don't give a chance? Do you feel guilty if you do give a chance? Chances are you probably feel guilty either way, right? That's the whole problem with being in the situation of having an addicted loved one. It's like you're in a rock and a hard place and there's no good answer either which way. So go ahead and get your questions up there. Love to hear about your situations. Has this happened to you before? How did it work out? Did you set this strong line in the sand and then you had to go back on it? How did that work? Are you glad you gave someone another chance? Do you regret it? All of those things. While you get your questions in there, we'll tell you that there are resources in the description. If you're watching this video and you have a partner who is a functional alcoholic in denial and you're trying to figure out how to get them to see the problem, then you should definitely sign up for our Motivation Unlock Challenge. We did this a few weeks ago and we're going to do this one more time before the holidays come around. We're going to do this again next week, Thursday through Monday. Last time we did it a Monday through a Friday, and I know that some of you probably couldn't attend because you have work, so we— I tried to kind of put it over the weekend so you'd have a little bit more time to either watch the replays or show up live so you can ask the questions. I've got the link to that in the description, and I will also put the link to that in the chat here and in the comment section for those of you who are interested. And while I do that, Bree, if you will, um, go ahead and get us some questions, some comments popped up here on the screen. We'll see if we can answer. Elizabeth says, hi, my son is going to be released from jail on November 16th. We have decided to give him a safe place to heal and grow. It's a limited amount of time. However, we still have concerns about trust. He talks about genuine change, but he has had some behavior problems in jail and he argues with us about being transparent. Any thoughts? The first thought that I have is when you say it's time limited, I'm not sure the word you used there, but basically you said we're going to let him, or what I understood that you're saying is you're going to let him come back and live with you for a while. But there's like a time limit on it. Did you set a hard time limit on it? And if so, what is your backup plan if you get to that hard time limit on it and they haven't? I'm guessing it's kind of like, I'm just gonna guess that it's something like you can stay here this many weeks or months so that you have time to get yourself a job. And, but we expect you to be out. What are you going to do when we reach that line and they haven't got the job or they don't have a way to leave? Because that puts you in a really tough position to have to hold that boundary or not hold that boundary, especially if you've put like that hard time limit on it. And I'm not saying you shouldn't necessarily do that. I'm just asking you, what are you going to do if you get to that line in the sand and it's either not working or let me ask you this. What are you going to do if you're way far away from that line you drew in the sand? Like, let's say you said, we're going to give you 3 months or something. But they're there and they're at your house for 2 weeks and the craps hit the fan and the chaos is rolling and it's a bad situation, but you're not anywhere near that line that you drew in the sand. That's where it gets complicated with drawing these hard black and white, um, like rules or boundaries. Um, and, and like I said, I don't even know, Elizabeth, if you set it up that way. I'm just saying that for the benefit of everyone, really. So you need to make the decision about whether or not they're in your place based on, is it work for you? Okay. Because let's say they're trying to find a job, but they don't find a job and the time limit comes. Now again, you're in that position. It's like, you know, they're really trying hard, but now they're to the line you set. Are you going to throw them out? Are you not? All these things, it's just so complicated. So I think it's really, it's not always a great idea to let an adult child come back into the house that has an addiction, but I know sometimes you don't have another choice, right? Or it feels like you don't have another choice. I get sometimes that you have to do this. So if you're going to draw a boundary around it, I would really say, listen, if this, if the chaos of this gets too crazy in the house or we're arguing all the time, or it's not good for you, or it's not good for us, Then we need to make another decision. But I will tell you that once you've got someone living in your house, you can't just kick them out legally. And if they won't leave, you could find yourself in one of those positions where you have to go through a whole eviction process. It's a whole big mess. If you're struggling with this and this is your son or daughter, you should be talking to Campbell about this. This is her specialty. She's really good about setting boundaries like this. So That's another resource for you. What's our next question? Chrissy says, I always feel like he's close. He says he wants it. He cries. He hates himself. He told me about childhood trauma, but he never gets any sobriety. And he has been reducing for ages as Community Addictions recommend to stop seizures. How fast can you reduce From a half bottle of vodka a day. Okay. So you're saying, Chrissy, that your person has an alcohol problem and they seem like they really want to change. But the question is, is how do they physically stop? Because stopping alcohol cold turkey can be dangerous. So a lot of people have to come up with a taper plan. The thing about a taper plan is this, Chrissy. In theory, And sort of like brain-based, like, like science-based, that could work and should work, but it doesn't work when it comes to the psychology of addiction. If you could consistently control how much you drank and consistently taper yourself down like that, then you're probably not alcoholic. So you see, like, From from one point of view, it can work right. Like I do less and less and less each day so that it's safe for me to stop. So from a biological level, that works. But from a psychological level, it kind of doesn't work. And another thing specifically with alcohol about the whole taper thing that doesn't work is because alcohol when you drink shuts off the part of your brain that lets you make those kinds of decisions that lets you remember that you're only drinking this much today or whatever. It literally shuts off that critical thinking part. So that impacts the ability. So if I read the way I would look at this, Christy, is yes, you probably need to let someone try that, but you need to understand in the back of your mind that that probably isn't going to work. So you need to set it up like, okay, but if this doesn't work, then are you open to trying something else? And you can maybe even go ahead and put out there what that something else is. But it probably needs to be, you need to work with a medical professional on how to detox yourself off of that. Because the whole just drink less over a long period of time, I don't know. I've seen a lot of people try that and they have really good intentions about it. It's not even that they don't mean it. It's just that it doesn't really work with the laws and nature of what addiction is, specifically with alcohol. Dale says, I've been living this discussion the past 1+ years. I'm finally living by my boundaries and making a decision based on my feelings. Oddly enough, it seems to be having a positive impact on my loved one. Oh, is that it? Okay. I thought there was a question. So you finally switched to making it based on your own sanity and your own emotions, and it is working. Yeah, that's it, Dale. That's what we're saying here. Like, make it based on you and not them, and you'll feel so much better because you won't feel like you have to figure out if they're lying or not. You won't figure out if they're genuine or not. It's just like so much easier and less complicated. Good for you, Dale, and thank you for sharing that. My husband has been sober for over 2 years and attends daily AA meetings on Zoom. However, he has untreated depression and constantly talks about how terrible he feels. It brings me down, and then I feel bad for feeling angry with him. Part of his depression is because he's overweight and is struggling trying to lose it. I'm out of encouraging words for him. How can I best support him? These, um, Kaylin, if you, if you've been around a while watching these videos, then what I can tell you is everything I teach you on this channel about how to get through to someone about their addiction Actually works on how to get through to someone about any big change they need to make, whether it's about getting treatment for your depression, even if it's about weight, even if it's about someone's in a toxic, bad relationship or something. These methods that I teach you work. So go back and look at some of the videos on denial or look at our Invisible Intervention Program or something like that, because the techniques work regardless of what the change is, because it has to do with motivation and how to get someone out of denial. It's all about the psychology of it. It's not specific to addiction. So try those things. Charlene says, I'm unclear about making a boundary protection statement and when and how to include the consequence. Thank you. Good question. Good boundary question. Here's the thing. You don't have to say your boundaries out loud to someone else. Boundaries are for you. I want you to think of boundaries like rules you set for yourself, not rules you set for someone else. And so if you're thinking of it like, I need to tell him the boundary and what the consequence is going to be, you might be thinking about it a little bit backwards. And I know it can be complicated, but your boundary is for yourself. So if you could, if you can put in the chat what boundary it is that you're thinking of. And then maybe I can help you reframe that or figure out if you should say it out loud or not, because it's not always necessary, to be honest. In fact, when you say it out loud, it just starts argument a lot of times. So it's not always— it's a decision you make for yourself. Kelly says, my son always wants to come back home after rehab, detox, sober living, saying it doesn't work. What type of plans to put in place Put in place to bring him home. This time he is very depressed and feels defeated. Well, Kelly, when when I hear this, you're telling me that this is or maybe I'm reading into it too much, but I get the impression that this is like a long-standing issue that has happened many many times. And if he's saying going to sober living and detox doesn't work, and you've let him come back to your house a bunch of times. Then you've probably figured out that doesn't work either, right? So I would ask you, is the best plan to bring him back home? So the question you might should be asking is, how do we set— how do we say we're not bringing you back home? So if you've done it over and over and over again, it doesn't work. And he's telling you that detox and sober living and treatment's not worked. That means that the addiction's probably still there. Andy's feeling depressed and defeated, then bringing him back home, I don't know, is the setup for success. So you might be asking the wrong question. Are there indicators to spot genuine effort for quitting alcohol? My loved one bargained for a year a lot, but since the past one year, he gets plenty of plus days sober. Does this count? And he also sees a doctor, keeps us with prescri— I think it means kept up with prescribed medication for a few days and then falls off. When he falls and faces bad consequences, he regrets it and gets back. So I think your initial question was, was it genuine? I think if someone gets 20 days sober, it's genuine because getting 20 days sober isn't easy. And so my guess is, is that, is it a genuine effort? Yes, it's probably a genuine effort. However, there could be, there's still some kind of issue here that's not necessarily being addressed. So does he, does he mean it? Is he serious? Probably yes. But there's something not working about the plan that he either just hasn't figured out yet, doesn't have the insight into. Maybe he's in denial about a piece of the plan. Maybe it's the medication or something else, but he probably does mean it. But something's still going wrong. Colleen's Music Channel says, what do you think is a good strategy for healthcare workers, rehab institutions about the second, third, or fourth chances? Are you, Colleen, are you saying like whether or not rehabs should readmit people second, third, and fourth times? I think that's the question you're asking. I don't know how else to read that. So if that is the question you're asking, I don't know that rehab facilities should be making a decision about how many chances to give someone. If you're a treatment center, I don't know that— I just don't know that that's your place to decide that. So I don't know if I would be thinking about it that way. When I've done treatment programs in the past that are like where there are groups of people, so like an intensive outpatient program or an inpatient program, I used to make those decisions based on whether or not it was harmful for the group or not. So like if someone is struggling and their struggling is putting other people in danger, that's when I would make the, like, this isn't working. Like you can't stay in the group kind of situation. And that doesn't even mean I give up on that person, but it might mean that they can't be in the group, not because they failed a certain amount of times, but because what's happening with them is putting other people in jeopardy. So I made the decision based on that when I was in treatment. Yes, that's what I mean. I was curious about you. Yeah. So I never had a hard rule, like if you have 5 relapses, you're out. The only hard rule that I had ever was about the safety of the group, because my philosophy has always been have as absolute few rules as possible. Because when you have a bunch of rules, then you got to have a bunch of like, what are you going to do when you break the rules? And you take your own power and decision away. So for me, it's about the safety of everybody else concerned, not about how many times. It could be one time and it put every— if the one time means I'm out in the parking lot dealing drugs to the other people, that's it. And somebody else could have relapsed 20 times, but they're trying and they're not putting other people in jeopardy. That's fine too. Charity says, my husband is using meth but says he's not. His behavior changed so much I had to leave. We still talk, but it's limited. He has so much pride he won't admit to it. I just want to help. Is there a question? Let me reread that for a second. Husband is using meth. He says he's not. His behavior changed so much you had to leave, but we still talk. It's limited. He has so much pride he won't admit to it. Is your question about whether or not you should still be talking to him? If that's the question, Charity, then that question is whether or not You can do that and maintain your own safety. You don't have to make someone admit something or not admit something. In fact, I always say don't ask the question because usually if you ask the question, have you used, did you relapse, are you drinking, whatever, you're almost always going to get like an immediate lie. It's almost like a reflexive response. What you can say is whether or not you feel comfortable communicating with them or not. Based on his behavior, and you don't even have to prove or disprove that he's using. You don't have to say, "Well, I'm talking to you because you're using or not using." You can say, "This is working for me," or "This is not." So keep it more simple just by looking at what's going on on your side of the street. It'll be less frustrating for you. All right, guys, we are about to the end of our time. I will remind you one more time. That the challenge, if you have a functional addict alcoholic living in your life, as in they're your partner or your spouse, check out our Motivation Unlock Challenge. There are other resources in the description, and we will see you guys again next Thursday at 1. We're always live Thursday at 1. If you're watching the playback, that's great. We're glad you're here. Put your comments and questions in the, or put your questions in the comments. We do read all of those, and maybe you can join us live next time. All right, everybody, I'll see you soon. Bye.