How To Be Kind To Someone With An Addiction Without Enabling

Helping versus enabling. You know, the other day we had a comment in our family Facebook group. It's kind of comment slash question where one of our listeners or group members said, made this comment. We. They were talking. I can't remember. I think it was on a video. I did probably one of the live videos. And the comment said, if I'm really nice to my husband, if I'm positively reinforcing him, won't that give him the impression that I'm okay with his drinking? And I thought, you know what? That's actually a really good question. And I bet a lot of people are wondering that, because I could definitely follow that line of thinking for sure, because you don't want to inadvertently make it seem like you're okay with something. And so that is what inspired this video. So in this video, we're going to talk about where is the line between helping, supporting, having empathy for someone struggling with an addiction and enabling. And hopefully we're going to shed a little light on this for you so you can kind of figure out which kinds of things are helping and which kinds of things are enabling. In fact, I'm going to give you five reasons why being kind to someone, showing empathy, even giving some positive reinforcement, actually helps them to figure out that they have an addiction problem way faster than when you try to do it in a more direct way. You see, most of the time we get so frustrated. We deal with someone who has an addiction because, like, so, so clearly, like right there. And it's just mind blowing because the person with the addiction, they can't see it. And it's just like, wow, really? Why can't you see it? So we get impatient and we get frustrated and we try to make them see it and we try to give them evidence. And it. It's kind of like we're trying to force it faster. And the more we do that, the longer it takes them to get out of denial. Because when you come at someone directly like that, even if you're not coming at the mean, but you're coming at them, you know, it's been like, dude, this is a problem. You know, you're pointing it out immediately. What happens is their walls and their defenses go up. And instead of hearing or really listening, considering what you're saying, they actually, it's almost like a reflex. Even if they don't mean to, they're going to be defensive in their head, and they're immediately going to be somewhat oppositional. Now, some people will say that to you out loud. Other people won't But. But either way, they're doing it in their head, even if they're not saying it out loud. They're thinking about how you're wrong and how you don't know me. And that's actually problematic because when we do that, we're actually slowing down. What would happen more naturally if we just let it. You know, I've noticed, like, over the past couple years, I've noticed that when I have clients who live alone, for whatever reason, like, maybe they just weren't living in family. Maybe they were away at college, or they just. Just live by themselves. It's really interesting because those people eventually will bring themselves in, they'll call up, they'll say, I have a problem. And it's like they get it, and they get it on a much deeper level than the people with the family do. And I think the reason why that is is because when you have family, you get so tangled up and trying to defend yourself, trying to prove them wrong, and then it becomes this power struggle, and before you know it, it's years and years of power struggling, which getting in the way of the natural process of figuring out that you have a substance abuse problem and then figuring out what you need to do about it. So even though it would seem like on a logical level, if you're too kind, too nice, too positively reinforcing, that that's actually enabling and that you could send the impression that you agree with their substance use, it actually does quite the opposite. And you don't have to tell someone that you agree, or they. You don't have to tell someone. Like, oh, I don't think that's a problem. Oh, you're fine. Like, those people are crazy. You don't have a problem. I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about responding in kindness to someone, being pleasant with someone. It actually makes them see their own truth faster. It's kind of like if you're in a big fight or argument with someone and you finally just like, okay, that's it. And then you apologize. What happens Usually once you apologize, you put your weapons down. What do they do? They're usually like, well, you know what? I shouldn't have said that either. And I was kind of in the wrong too. And actually it was kind of my fault. It's like they put their weapons down too. So that's the way I want you to think about. I want you to think about, like, okay, we're putting our weapons down, and you're probably going to have to put your weapons down. First, as the family member, to get your addicted loved one to put their weapons down because they're running out of fear, shame, guilt. They don't feel good physically, so they got a lot of things going on, and they feel very backed into a corner all the time, and it's really hard to get them to put their weapons down. So let's talk about on sort of a psychological level and even on like a biological level, why responding to someone with empathy and kindness works. I mean, if you think about it, most people that have addicted loved one, they stay on their case forever and ever. Trying to get them to go to the counselor. Guess what? The counselor does responds with kindness and empathy. And that doesn't mean that the counselor is saying you don't have a problem or, you know, like your family's overreacting. That's not what I mean. I just mean, like, when you do that, when you show empathy towards someone, it actually cools down the emotional part of their brain, which on a physiological level, allows the thinking, the front part of their brain to activate and to think through what is going on and to be able to learn from their mistakes and to make better decisions and to have good judgment. You know, this part right here, this is where your judgment comes from. That's where your ability to weigh pros and cons and. And learn from your mistakes, all of that comes from your frontal lobe. And when someone feels under attack, their emotional center of the brain, the volume is turned up on that so high. When that volume is turned up, the thinking volume is turned down. And in fact, understanding that isn't just to apply to dealing with someone who has an addiction. That's literally to apply to anyone who you want to really think about what you're saying, whether it's in a work situation, whether it's your kid has done something, you want to talk to them about it. If you come at someone straight on, you're literally going to accidentally hit that trip wire where all their defenses come up, which physiologically disallows them to think about what you're saying. So you definitely don't want to do that if you can at all help it. The second reason why responding with kindness and empathy is so much more effective is because they don't get. The other person doesn't get as bogged down and distracted by being mad at you, because literally, not only during the conversation are they feeling defensive in their head, but for like five days or three months afterward, they're replaying it in their head, and they're just so dang distracted by how you weren't right, you were wrong about this. You don't. I mean, that's what they're thinking over and over and over. And as long as they're thinking that, they're not thinking about what we want them to be thinking about, which is like the situation that's causing all the trouble, they get preoccupied and focused on their resentment towards you. Now, like I said, not everyone will show that to you on the outside. So you might feel like, well, I don't think my loved one does that. Your loved one does that. Like, if you have an addicted loved one and you're trying to make them stop and see it and, and they're not wanting to, and they're continuing you, I guarantee there's no way around that. That's just going to be the natural response. Even if you don't want to be that way. You almost like reflexively. It's almost like we have that built in oppositionalness when we feel defensive. And so that is definitely going on. We don't want to distract them by putting ourselves in a bad guy roll. You guys that watch this channel, you all know how I feel about that. Don't get yourself in the bad guy role. Don't. When you feel them sucking you into that argument or something, you need to think to yourself, not me. You're not making me be the bad guy here because you going to deal with what you did. And as long as you're the bad guy, they won't deal. They won't see, they won't feel the natural consequences of their own choice because they'll be focusing on your choice. The third reason why responding with kindness and empathy is just 100 times more effective is because when you do that, you help someone feel much safer around you. In general, when people feel safer around you, they're a lot more likely to be vulnerable. And I saw this a few times in sessions that we had in our office this week. Most of you know that we work with whole families and typically we give the person with the addiction like their own coach, counselor, consultant, whatever you want to call it. And we give the family member their own person. We like to call it lawyering. But occasionally all four, the two counselors and the two people or whatever will meet in the same room to sort of hash something out or talk through something. And. And a lot of you know that I'm usually the one that sees the person has addiction problem. I always say, I'm always the defense attorney, so I'm usually going in there, it feels like going to court with your client who's in trouble. That's what it feels like to me when you go into those, those sessions. And I'll know that over the course of the weeks I've been talking with that person one on one. They'll have been. They may not be telling me, oh, my gosh, I'm like a full blown addict now. I got to go to treatment. But they're usually telling me stuff like, you know what, I shouldn't have said that. And I really have been drinking too much. I need to cut it back because really, you know, makes me feel bad. So they're actually giving me a lot of. I mean, the clinical word for it is change talk. But basically it's like they're being vulnerable and they're opening up and they're letting me know that they do see it, at least on some level. But what's funny is what I saw happen this weekend sessions is when I got that same client who I know done told me all that stuff, like, sincerely, tearfully, like really meant it, got them in session. And immediately, because the family members in there, they're like, I don't have a problem. It's you. You know, they're just like in there starting to fight. I'm like, wow, look at this. Like, I know, you know, you shouldn't have done that. You told me yesterday that. But when they get in there in front of that family member, they're just acting all big and tough. I call it the big talk. You know, they're giving the big talk and they just refuse to show any vulnerability. So sometimes you could be looking at your addicted loved one and you may think they don't get it at all. Most of the time they get it on a little bit. They may not get it, like, really, like, to the full extent, but they do kind of know that it's problematic. But a lot of times they just won't show it to you because they don't feel safe enough. They don't want to get a big lecture. They don't want to get a big I told you so. They don't want to be forced into going to treatment or giving it up when they're not ready to. So they won't let you know that they know and they'll stay in that big talk kind of defensive lane. I'm telling you, I watched Happening Session this week. I'm like, what in the world? Like, they don't know, you know better than that. But get them in there. But at least it lets me know. Okay, this is, what's, this is where the communication gap's going around here, right? Like, they're not, they won't show any vulnerability whatsoever to that family member just because they're slocked into that power struggle. The other reason why empathy and kindness works is because when someone feels like they have a lot of support and they have, like, that safety net, they're actually a lot more likely to take big, courageous, difficult steps. You know, it's like when you know someone's got your back, when you know someone you know is there for you and you've got, You've got people, you're just a lot more likely to go out and try new things and try harder to overcome the problem just because you feel stronger. When you know you have that support system around you, when you feel like you're the only one out there and you're backed into a corner and you're lonely and you're defensive and you're angry, you're. You're just going to cling on to whatever safety that you have. And usually when you're dealing with an addiction, that safety comes from, from the addiction. And they literally don't feel like they have anything else, so they won't let go of that. They're just hanging on to it like a security blanket. Even when they want to, they. They're. They're too scared to, and they don't. You know, even if you're in a really bad situation, you've probably been in a long time and you're used to it, and so you, you know that, and it's predictable, and that seems less scary than going out there and making another big choice. But when people feel supported and backed up, they're likely to be able to do that. And I don't just mean with addictions. I just mean in life, in, in general. You know, kids that feel like they have parents at home that are supportive and they have their back and they have, like a solid home base are more likely to go out into the world and try new things and travel and explore and, and do big things. Because it's like, I know no matter what, I got my home base. Now, I know some of you might thinking, well, they can't be coming back to my house if they're using. I understand that. And, and I understand also if that has to be a boundary for a family, I get why that happens sometimes. But even then, you can still be that emotional support home base for people. I'm telling people just Function better. You'll see the better qualities in people when they feel safe and they feel like they have that. Now lastly, and this one's for you as the family member. The reason why responding in kindness and empathy is so much better is because when you engage in all those other behaviors like nagging, complaining, yelling, threatening and all that stuff, you're actually enabling. In fact, some of you may have heard me say this before. I feel like that kind of behavior is more enabling than like giving them money and stuff. I know everyone thinks like giving people money, like that's the ultimate enabling thing to do. I mean, I guess it is kind of enabling, but you give someone 20 bucks, that 20 bucks is gone in five minutes because they don't spend it on drugs or whatever. If you yell at someone and treat them crappy, they'll literally use that emotional fuel and leverage to justify their bad behavior for the next six months. Remember you said that to me? So it's almost like you're giving them the currency, the emotional currency that they need to continue to use. So when you enable by way of being the bad guy, you give them what they need to make that next bad choice, which I'm telling you is more problematic than the money. Now I'm not saying give them a bunch of money, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying like, there are other ways to enable. And you may be like, oh, I don't enable it, I won't give him anything. But if you're playing that bad guy roll, you're enabling. Now also when you're responding kindness and empathy for yourself, this is one for you. You like yourself better, right? Because you, you know deep down in your heart that that's the kind of person you want to be. And you know, you feel like no matter what they did, that you've made the right decision and you can feel proud and you've kept your side of the street clean so you feel better about you. And when you feel better about you, you have more self confidence. And when you have more self confidence, you act better. It's like, it's like dominoes in the right direction, right? You feel more secure, you feel more confident, they respond to better way which then feeds the positive, you know, like feedback loop. So for them and for you, when possible, responding with kindness and empathy is the better response. Now I totally get that. When you're dealing with someone, an addiction problem, sometimes they are going to start a fight and poke at you like a beast until you lose it. And they're just not going to let you be kind. I. I saw that in a session this week. I'm like, what is that? Now my person is like, starting to find, like, what are you. What are you doing over there? Like, why. Why are you doing that? Just, like poking and poking, purposely trying to start something. So I get that it is not always possible, but when it is possible and when it is a choice that you have on how to respond to a situation, kindness, support, empathy, it's just much more effective. I know it feels like you're doing nothing. I know it feels like maybe you're like, positively reinforcing bad behavior, but all you're doing is allowing yourself to get out of the way so they can see it. Because I'm telling you, when you do that, people will see it. And most of the time, they already know it on some level, even if they're not telling it to you. The reason I know that is because they come in my office and they tell me. And so I know that they know. You know, they may not label themselves an addict or alcoholic, but they probably think I'm using too much, or I let that get out of control, or I need to stop doing that, or this isn't good for me. They know it already. So you just. If you'll just let the natural process happen. Usually in most situations, letting the natural process happen get you there faster. Occasionally you have to take some other steps, but as a general, I think that is the best way to go. Now, let's see who's here. All of you who are joining me live, I'm so glad that you're here. If you're watching this on the replay, I am glad that you're here as well. So definitely jump in there and join this conversation, see what you guys have to say. I want to hear your experience with this topic because I know you have some. Hey, Shelly. Martha. Buddy. Buddy says you can show kindness by being brutally honest and set and stick to boundaries. It's. Or it's just silliness. I think when you say Buddy, when you say brutally honest, I think the word brutally, when you put it on there, sort of circumvents or overrides the word kindness. Can't be brutal and be kind at the same time. You can be honest and be kind at the same time, but brutally honest and kind doesn't always mix so well together. Hey, Shelly. Hey, Meg. See, Jacqueline says I have constantly shown empathy. Even with his couple of relapses. I haven't said anything different than I know that You. That you go. That your go to coping skills can be really hard. Have you gotten. How does he. How does your loved one respond back to you? Am I saying your name right? Jaquena, Let me know how that works. Does it work better? Does it work worse? What's the. What's the outcome of that? Oh, here we go. Here's some more on that. But he will project his anger onto me. So trying to get him to understand that I'm here for him through his journey. But doesn't. But doesn't me. He can use me as. Doesn't mean he can use me as a punching bag. I see what you're saying. That's exactly right. And like I said, sometimes you're dealing with someone with addiction problem. They just. They'll either project onto you, like what you're saying, or they'll just start a fight because they actually do feel really guilty inside. If they start a fight with you, then they can be mad at you, which is easier than feeling guilty. So, like I said, you. It's usually. Well, it's pretty much always the best response to be calm, but. But don't think that your loved one, if they're addicted, will always respond in kindness back. See here, Robin says, makes perfect sense, but difficult to do in the moment, a hundred percent. Sometimes it's easier than others based on how much they're trying to hit your buttons or not trying to hit your buttons. Hey, Hondo. Ebony says, I feel like when I was showing compassion, he was taking advantage. He started using more, so I put him out. Now he claims he needs a home, and he's struggling. He's struggling here. What in the world? Okay, that's actually. I'm glad you said that, Ebony, because that. That happens sometimes, especially for the people that are in our invisible intervention. Inside of that online course, we. We teach families how to intervene with an addicted loved one. And we use the craft method for that, and it focuses on positive reinforcement, relationship building, a lot of the stuff that we're talking about here. And when people first start doing that, they get frustrated because they think, well, it's not making the using better. In fact, the using's gotten worse. But what I want you to know, Ebony, is actually that's what. That's. That's okay. That means you're on track because the being kind doesn't make them not use. The being kind allows them to see the problem. So if you're being kind and the problem escalates a little bit, that's actually a really good combination. For getting someone out of denial. Now, I'm not telling you that. Ebony, if you have someone in your house that's, like, not okay. They're not. They're abusive. They're doing things, you know, I don't mean that you should be kind and keep someone in your home who's treating you really badly or causing some kind of chaos or being abusive. That's not what I'm saying. But it's okay when that happens. And I know a lot of people get frustrated. They're like, but they. But they're not slowing down. They're using. And I'm like, yeah, but that's not what we thought would happen. What we think is going to happen is that they're going to start to see it. And actually, when it escalates, that's actually better because it. It makes them have to see that it's even more problematic. And when you're not in the way distracting them, they'll see it faster. So it usually gets a little worse, and then it starts to get better. So don't see that as a sign that it's. That what you're doing isn't being effective. Like, when people come into my house, I'm, like, super nice to them, and they tell me they're going to do this and that, and it's going to make it better. And I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, not gonna work. But I'm super nice to them, and I let them do it. And then it usually gets worse. And then eventually they come around. They're like, you know what? You told me that probably wasn't gonna work. You were right about that. And because I have a good relationship, they can be vulnerable enough to say something like that to me. I know. You told me, and you were right. If. If they're locked up into, like, a power struggle with you, even if they know you're right, they're not gonna tell you that they're not gonna be vulnerable with you like that. Let's see. Christine says, my daughter is in early recovery, but still acts defensive. She gets irritated easily and triggers me by her reaction, since I fear her relapse. My guess is, Christine, you probably are both very vulnerable. She's in early recovery, and you're easily triggered. And she's easily triggered. Like, if you're worried about her relapse and probably triggers her that you don't trust her. And then she probably acts defensively towards you, which then triggers you, and you're like, are you using again? You know, it's just it's kind of a circular feedback process. And in those early days, everybody, everybody's vulnerable. And there are trust issues on both sides. Let's see here. Buddy says addicts shouldn't require more sympathy than. Our veterans are dying, but they get it. I'm a veteran and one who dealt with my demon. Well, what I would say to you, Buddy, is, is that many, many veterans are also people struggling with addictions. And what I teach on this channel isn't about who should or deserves kindness. I'm not saying they do. They. They don't. I'm just telling you what works. I'm here to tell you that if you want X to happen, you do this. And it's not about whether they deserve it or should have it or not. I'm just. I'm just here to tell you what, what works. Because some of you are out there and you may know that they don't deserve. That's your kid, right? And you, you just can't walk away or that's your husband or there's, you know, there's all kind of reasons why, even. Even when they don't deserve your compassion and grace, still the best thing to do. Plus, I'm telling you, it. When you act right, you feel better about yourself. And you know deep down inside that you want to be a good person. You don't want to be a crazy, screaming lunatic, because when you do that, you hate yourself and then you hate them for making you act. And it's just a mess. Loretta says, how do I become but enforce boundaries? Red, that is a great question, but it's a big question. I don't know if I can answer that on this video because we're going to run out of time soon. But I do have a whole playlist on boundaries, so definitely check that out because it's a good, good question. Jimmy says it's hard to be empathetic without enabling. So challenging your videos and information are great to help understanding someone having addiction. Hey, thanks, Jimmy. You're right, it is challenging. Especially the more negatively they act towards you, the more challenging it is. Sometimes people have addiction even though they're addicted. They don't necessarily act negatively towards you. And that can actually cause you to be overly empathetic to their situation. The ones that come at you and are kind of aggressive and defensive, they're actually easier to deal with on some levels. The other ones that act really depressed and pitiful, they sort of pull you in to be so empathetic to your situation that you won't hold appropriate boundaries so you know it. The manipulation can go in either direction, but it is still manipulation, so know what you're dealing with. Let's see here. Kathy says, I'm trying to be nice, but had to have my husband leave recently so mad that he has to seek help to come home. It's so tempting to let him back in. If you've already set that boundary, I would probably hold it because you've already said it and you've already said it, and I'm big believer, you know, I'm not a believer in having a lot of rules or setting a lot of boundaries or giving ultimatums. I say avoid it whenever possible. But if you do have to do it, then you need to hold it because otherwise that is when you could be reinforcing negative behavior. Hey, Lisa, I'm glad you found this channel too. Robin says even aa, it's getting, is getting sick of him showing up drunk and rambling, even cut him off and now his feelings are hurt and he likely won't continue to go. Yeah, like that's bad. If AA is like, dude, you can't come here, you're too drunk. It's kind of bad. But if anyone, even if it's aa, people in aa, anyone needs to have some kind of healthy boundary. And even if they want to help you and they understand that you have, you know, alcoholism, you have addiction problem, even though they know they may have done the same thing before, if letting that person come to the meeting literally disrupts and make sure no one else there gets anything. I mean, it's kind of like an appropriate boundary. And, and what you're saying, Robin there about the person then using that to feel sorry for themselves. That's such addictive thinking. I say addiction is fueled by self pity and resentment, which is another reason to stay out of the bad guy roll because you're just, just not giving them the fuel if possible. See here, Ebony says, when can you let your spouse back into the home? If you have asked someone to leave the home, I would not let them come back home until there's been significant change. Not just like, okay, I went and saw Amber the counselor one time, because then you loan back in, then everything's just going to fall through. So if you've set that boundary, you need to hold that boundary. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't have conversations with that person, have dinner with that person, maybe let the person come to the house, have dinner, whatever. Doesn't mean you have to be mean or have like a, a bad or distant relationship with the person. But it's. This is just about setting that healthy boundary for yourself. Let's see. Sunshine says every day is like a battle for me to convince my husband to quit drugs. He doesn't stay at home, he stays out with his addictive friends and gets more and more angry. I hear you, Sunshine. The craziest thing about dealing with someone who has addiction problem is they're literally breaking every boundary possible. They're stealing, they're lying, they're cheating, they're manipulating, but they're mad at you. And I know that that's like Maddie's like really like I'm the. But that's kind of the way that addiction works. It's part of that thinking, messed up thinking. So Judy says, I try to speak from an open heart to my daughter in law but I still have resentment towards her because of her emotionally or psychologically abandoned my grandchildren. I can understand that. I can understand that. And sometimes it is hard when you have such hurt feelings to respond in kindness. I still think you're probably doing the right decision. And I can even tell Judy that you, even though it's hard for you, you don't like it, you still feel like you're making the right decision. And I agree. I think you are making the right decision. If you agree, if you agree that kindness and empathy and support is a better way to go at helping someone get out, then I'll then give this video a thumbs up. Let me know that I'm on track or that you've tried that. Let me know I'm not, I'm not crazy over here by myself. And if you're watching this and you are a parent of someone who has a substance abuse. We are going to open a coaching community specifically for parents in October and our parent recovery specialist Campbell is going to be leading that. It's not open yet. You can't get into it. But we are making a late a waiting list because we're only going to keep it open for very short time for people to enter. So I'm going to put the link up here for you so that you can get on the waiting list in case you want to do that. And up next for you, I'm going to put some more videos, more about enabling versus helping, how to stay out of that enabling role.