How To Be Sober In Social Situations And Actually Have Fun!

How do you navigate social situations and stay sober? I was thinking this might be a really good topic as we're coming up on the holidays. And I want to give you guys not just the basic advice about, you know, practical things you can do to stay sober because I do have other videos on that that you can check out. But this video, what I really want to focus on is not just how to make sure you stay sober, but how to actually enjoy yourself, how to have fun, how to actually go participate and be a part of a social situation while staying sober and enjoy it. That's what we're going to talk about in this video. Now, the first, I'm going to give it to you in. Like I said, I'm going to give it to you in three steps. Are you ready? The first and probably most important step for you to take is to start telling yourself the truth. What this really means is you might be telling yourself some, to say it in a fancy counselor way, irrational thoughts or beliefs that are making things harder for you, and they probably aren't even true. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. You might have these thoughts in your head that you're more likable when you're either drinking or high or using or whatever. You might have these thoughts that you're more personable or you're more interesting or you're more social when you're intoxicated. But the truth of it is, let's look at it a little more closely. The truth of it is, is likely you do things when you're intoxicated that may make you a less less likable or less interesting or less easy to be around. Think about all the times when you've been into and you've done things that you really regretted or embarrassed yourself or wish you could take back. You see, the truth of it is that the substances we use sometimes can make us feel like we're better, prettier, smarter, faster, more interesting, all that stuff. But in actuality, it's not usually the case. Think about being around other intoxicated people when you haven't been intoxicated. Mmm. They're funny and interesting for about five minutes and then if you're honest, kind of annoying. And so one of the ways that people get in their own way of actually enjoying social offense is they get really super self conscious and they think that because they're not using, they're going to come across as dull or boring or everyone's going to think that they're weird. But these Are the things that I really want you to examine a little closer and ask yourself how many of those statements that you're believing are actually true. In reality, a lot of those beliefs that you have probably were things that you started telling yourself when you're in an active addictive state in order to justify your behaviors or your decisions that you're making. And so you just accepted those things in because that made you feel better about what you were doing. But like I said, in reality, a lot of those things you're telling yourself might not even be the actual real truth of the situation. And once you realize that those substances do not make you smarter, faster, stronger, more talented, more creative, you're gonna feel less anxiety about being in those situations. I know in some ways it can make you feel a little like, make the social situation feel a little easier. And the reason it does that is because it takes your filter off. But maybe you should really think about being grateful for your filter because think about all the bad things that have happened when your filter came off. Right? We all need a filter. I always say, like, if you've got any secrets you're trying to keep, don't drink, because they're gonna come out. If you got any bad or negative thoughts, you might think about someone that's somewhere and you don't want to say them out loud. Don't drink, because when you do that, you. Your filter comes off, and then you do and say a lot of things that you probably will regret later. So remember this. It does not make you more interesting person to be around for you to be using substances. It probably does the opposite in reality. Now, the other thought that kind of goes along with this one is that people a lot of times worry. A lot of my clients talk about this, that they really worry that other people are going to think that they're weird or they're just going to feel like left out or not included because they're not drinking or using or, you know, participating in whatever everyone else is doing. And the truth of it is, is people really don't think that the only. Well, I shouldn't say that. The truth of it is is most people don't think that. There are a few people that think that those people are probably the people that also have a problem with whatever substance it is that people are using, because it's hard when people have a problem with the substance. It's really hard for them to imagine why someone else would not use. Be using the substance. Or it sometimes makes them feel really awkward about what they're doing it makes them feel like maybe you're judging them when you know you're not. But it makes them feel critical of themselves because it's kind of like, I want you to be doing it along with me. Makes me feel better kind of thing. But that's really about the only kind of circumstance that the other person where the other person's really going to be thinking negatively of you. If you're not using substances, you're going to notice once you go into social situations not using that more people don't use than you think. Right. You're going to become more. It's kind of like if you. If you get a new type of car that you never had before, and then all of a sudden you notice that new. That same new car, everyone has it, you're going to start to be more aware that there are more sober people out there than you might expect. All right, number two piece of advice, and this one is the perfect connection to what we were just saying is tell other people the truth. So number one was tell yourself the truth. Number two is tell other people the truth about why you're staying sober. Now, I know when you're first newly sober, this feels super intimidating. And we all want to kind of. We all want to just sort of like, avoid the question or tell, like, a little white lie. And I'm not opposed to that for any moral reasons. And I tell my clients all the time, like, if you don't feel like you can say why you're sober or whatever, and you just want to say, hey, can't drink or do that because I'm driving tonight or because I'm taking a medicine doesn't mix with. I'm okay with that. But if you really want to enjoy yourself and be more comfortable in. In these kind of situations, then you really do need to tell the truth. Because when you're feeling so weird and you're hiding this secret inside and you're so worried about people asking you and people judging you, that probably is making you come across as a little more awkward because you feel more awkward on the inside. So you probably are a little bit more awkward. And if you can be comfortable with the fact that you're sober, other people will be comfortable with the fact that you're sober. And one of the best ways to do this is, number one, if you're just sort of. I call it like, out of the recovery closet in general, then people probably already know that about you, and you don't have to have the conversation. So that's Your best bet is just to be pretty open about your sobriety. Telling you it's the best bet because you don't have to worry about all these awkward conversations. But maybe you're in a situation where you're around people that don't know you that well, so maybe they don't know that you're sober. If people ask, do you. It's okay to say, hey, I'm in recovery, or, hey, I used to drink a lot, but I'm drinking more because I did too much back then, or whatever. Just be. Tell the truth about it. Because when you tell the little white lie, what that really does is it just. It almost like delays or puts the problem off for a minute, but then the problem comes back. For example, if you say, well, I can't because I'm driving tonight, then the other person's gonna say, well, you can have one or two. Like, it won't hurt you. You'll be sober by the time you leave. You know, if you say, I'm on a medicine, they may say the same thing. Or if you. If they don't say it at this social event, they're going to say it at the next social event. So if you're comfortable with your sobriety, other people will be comfortable with your sobriety. I usually say, find ways to say it that are kind of funny or kind of humorous because it makes the other person not feel weird. And the reason the other person doesn't feel weird about it is because you don't feel weird about it. So be comfortable with it. Now, my third suggestion for making sure that you are not just staying sober at any kind of social event, but also enjoying yourself is this. I want you to focus on other people. You can do this in two ways. You can be sure to offer, like, if you're not putting on the social event, maybe someone else is offer even beforehand to be of assistance. Say, what do you need help with? Be in charge of something. Be in charge of the music, be in charge of the advertisers, because it'll give you something to do and you won't feel like you're just sort of awkwardly standing around and not sure what to talk about. So give yourself, like, a job to do and you'll feel more empowered and you'll just. It'll give you something naturally to talk about and to focus on. So that's one way to focus on others. And you'll feel proud of yourself after the fact, so you'll feel good that you were helpful. The other way you can focus on others is just to realize that instead of being so worried about yourself, so self conscious, really just realizing, you know what? Everything's not about me. And if you could get out of your own head and start thinking about someone else, so maybe you don't have like a job to do, like you're in charge of something at the party. Maybe you can make it your job to find someone else at the event that looks like they're maybe a little uncomfortable and go and talk to them and you're helping someone else. If you're having conversations with someone else, the best way to not feel awkward is to ask the other person questions about themselves, get to know them, listen to them. And you can only do this when you let go of all this sort of self preoccupation. One of the best things that helped me to not feel awkward as far as doing these videos, which I still feel a little awkward, but this was the turning point for me was when I was reading in a book or something, it's not about you. Focus on the other person. And when I realized that, it really sunk into my head. It was like, hey, it's not about you. It's not about your hair, it's not about this. It's about what you're trying to do for someone else. It totally changed where I was coming from and what I was thinking about, which completely gave me the ability to be more natural and engaged and just more like my natural self, which comes across as much less awkward. So being less preoccupied. Hey, C.J. hey, Jill. Thanks for joining us. If you let me know in the chat or if you're watching the replay, let me know in the comment section. What events are the most difficult for you? Or if you're watching this for your loved one, what events do you worry about for your loved one the most? Is it those work events? Is it those, like family holiday Christmas gatherings? What is it about that certain event that is so difficult for you? Are there certain kind of situations you just don't want to go into? Which is another question you can ask yourself. You don't have to go to every social event. You may not even want to go to every social event. Occasionally there are some things that you just kind of have to do. Maybe it's a work something and you just have to do it or, you know, like your daughter's getting married and you kind of have to go to that or something like major huge that you have to. But other things, if you don't feel comfortable and you don't want to go. It's completely okay to just not go. And I know we all have these like, well, I should or I supposed to or something like that. But you know that you might get triggered if you know that you are. Especially if you know that you're like, in a bad place emotionally recently. Like, you're really stressed out or you're really sad about something or angry about something. Those are times when you want to choose when, if at all possible not to put yourself in those types of high risk situations. It's like, why make things hard on yourself, right? Why make it harder than it has to be? You don't have to attend. Find a way to graciously bow out. That's okay to do that. Because if it's an event that's really just about drinking or using or getting high, like, that's what the event is about. Like, the whole thing's about that. That may be an event that you don't want to go to. If it's an event where people may be drinking or using or whatever it is. But there is another focus of the event that might be a little bit more in the middle ground. And if you want to go to it, those may be a little bit more safer. But we all know that there are some things that are literally only about the substance. A year or two ago, there was this guy in our group that we ran, and I just loved him. He was so funny. But he belonged to some kind of. It wasn't called, like, the country club where he was at, but it was basically like the version of that in the town where he lived. And he brought into our group one day, he brought like, the. I don't know if it's like the monthly, like, little flyer or newsletter or whatever that says, like, all the events that are going down. He's like, would y' all look at this? Like, literally when you looked at, like, the, like, little calendar that had all the events on it, it was like Tuesdays, you know, it's like Margarita Wednesdays, like, you know, Wine Fridays or whatever. Like, every event on that calendar was literally about alcohol. Like, that was the title of the. And I was like, wow. And he was like, I know, right? Like, the whole thing is literally around the substance. In that kind of situation. You probably don't want to go. You probably won't enjoy yourself. And one of the last practical solutions is if it is something you really need to go to, you don't have to stay the whole time. You don't have to stay until people get sloppy. Drunk and annoying or, you know, the partying, you don't have to go that far. I usually say, you know, if you're gonna do it, go in, plan to stay a couple of hours and have an exit strategy. Let's see here. We've got some comments up here. Let's take a look at what we've got going on here. C.J. says, in the 80s, I partied, we were partying crew. We were the partying crew of 82. I like it. Our class motto, alcohol, weed, pills that were available, Coke, etc. I used to look back at those days as fun. Now I have. What does that say, C.J. aD I don't even know what that means, but sort of the looking back to, you know, it's that nostalgic look. But when we really examine those situations, a lot of times it's just sort of our culture and society that tells us that that's the only way to have fun. But it's honestly, it's not true. And when we really look at the situations, there's a lot of misery that comes out of that. Right? A lot of embarrassment, a lot of bad things, a lot of decisions that you made that you wish you wouldn't have and stuff like that. But we rarely acknowledge that to ourselves because in our mind, we've already decided that this is fun and this is the only way to have fun. And because we've already made that decision in our head, we don't really look for the truth. It's that tendency we all have to filter for information that fits with what we already think. So I'm asking you to get out of that box and look at it more truthfully. And what you may find is it may not be as fun as you initially were telling yourself. Allie says, all get togethers with friends always make me nervous for my loved one. Any kind of, like, friend social gathering. I know, especially, like a lot of my clients talk about sporting events, you know, getting together to watch sports on tv. Stuff like that can be particularly high risk and difficult. Cherie says, you have really helped me. You have really helped me with this. New to me. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, you're welcome. Thanks for joining us on our live. Let's see here, Jill, for me, work events, this is judgment if you choose not to drink. I've never had a problem with alcohol, but I don't care for it. You know, Jill, I don't drink or use any kind of substances either. And even. And it doesn't even tempt me. So when I'M at an event and people are using it. It's not like I want to use it, but I can occasionally feel a little awkwardness where people don't quite understand it. And I think the more comfortable that you are with it, the more comfortable I am with it, the more comfortable other people are with it. They're going to take your lead on it. They're going to feel that energy that you're putting out there. So I get it. There is definitely peer pressure is not just a kid thing. It's an adult thing for sure. Jessica says our friends throw parties centered around games like poker or DD or whatever board game. Those always end in half the people sober and other half super drunk. Hey, at least half the people are sober and it is around another event. Right. It's not just the substance. Jill says she tries to be proud about not drinking because I just don't like it. It's crazy how many people will say, me too, once one brave person says it first. I know you're right. People are gonna like if you're open up about it, a lot of people will open up about it and tell you more truthfully how they feel about it too. I'm a food addict and it's very difficult this time of year. I'm kind of right there with you, Kim. It's definitely more high risk situations, especially if sugar is your. Is your drug of choice. Connie says she doesn't even touch alcohol anymore. Jill says, I found things started getting easier once I hit 40. I just don't care what people think anymore. There you go. Oh, Stephanos is from Greece. Hey, thanks for joining us. TK Says our office party gift exchange has been basically a wine exchange for the past few years. I don't participate. Yeah, perfect. That's a great example, TK that may just be one that you just aren't even interested in going in. So why put yourself there? Why make yourself feel uncomfortable if you don't have to? I'm with you. Tone says if you must attend an event that has alcohol or drugs, it's best to go with someone who has good recovery in their life. Stay as long as you need and then leave. I'm with you. That is a great piece of advice, Tone. Take someone with you. That's one of those practical pieces of advice. Take someone with you that knows what's going on with you, that also plans to not drink or use and that will sort of have your back if you need it. If you need to escape early, if you need someone to run interference You've got someone there for you. Terry says, I've been sober for over two years and I love going to parties and being sober. I can actually have intelligent conversations and I can be me. Don't close them out anymore. Used to be the last one. I love it. Terry, Pam says, I'm glad I caught you live. Oh, thank you, Pam. Thanks for jumping in here and catching us. Let's see, it's our last one. Jill says, oh, on the topic of fun, I'm a morning person so I always say I have X, Y and Z to do tomorrow. I don't want to be slowed down by alcohol. That's another really great suggestion is you can always say have to get up early if you're not comfortable. Like I said, saying the whole you don't want to tell your whole story or whatever. Maybe it's a work event. Having something to do will not only keep you motivated to not go off the deep end, but also give you kind of an excuse or a reason to either not partake and or to leave early if that's what you choose to want to do. Thank you so much for everyone who joined us live. We are on here live every Thursday at 1 and I try to sneak in another video or two for you as bonus on the weekend. So make sure that you're subscribed with that bell icon push so you can get those bonus videos if you want them. And up next for you, what goes right along with this is all of my other relapse prevention techniques for you. I'm going to put the link to it right into the description. I'm going to put it right into the chat for you and I will come back after the fact and put it in right here at the end of the video for you. Okay everybody, I'll see you next time. Bye.