How To Deal With Manipulative People

Do you have a person in your life who's super manipulative? Has it become toxic? Is it just a constant stream of frustration in your life? Well, if so, this is the video for you because we're going to be talking about how to deal with manipulative people. In fact, I'm going to be giving you some very specific strategies and things to think about and ways to interact in order to neutralize the toxicity of those relationships. And these are very practical things that you can do. Now, you guys know my philosophy is to be five steps ahead. So in order to really get control of this situation, instead of letting this manipulation sort of run the show, you want to think about your situation, the person that you're dealing with. You know, is that a romantic relationship? Is that a family member, a co worker, a friend, whoever that is that you feel like you're being manipulated by? And get a strategy on it. Because when you think about it, you've probably seen their pattern long enough that you know what's going to happen next. And if you can almost predict how they're going to come at you, then you can be sitting on ready with some strategy on how to interact. It's hard to think when you're in the moment and things are pressurized and you're under. You know, all the emotions are high and all that kind of stuff. You're under pressure. So having some strategies lined up, I call it like in your back pocket, almost like it's on a note card back there. Doesn't have to literally be on a note car back there, but it can be if you want it to. Then you'll feel more confident about what's going on. Hey, Taylor, thank you so much for the super chat. That is awesome. Super sweet of you. I certainly appreciate that. And hi, Stephanie. All right, if you're new here, welcome to put the shovel down. This channel is all about understanding the science and psychology of addiction. And you could imagine that manipulation is a big part of addiction and recovery, especially family recovery. Now, the things that we're going to talk about related to manipulation are general across the board. They're not just specific to addiction. These type of tactics are going to work whether you're dealing with someone who's struggling with addiction or not. But if you have a loved one struggling with addiction, then you're very likely experiencing some of those manipulation tactics. So you really, really, really need these skills. All right, the very first thing that you need to do in dealing with a manipulative person is you need to understand what button Is it that you have that they're pressing all the time? Because manipulative, manipulative people are so good at figuring out what your buttons are. And once they find that crack in your armor, they're going to exploit that. And so if you can understand where that crack in your armor is, maybe we can, like, get some sealant and seal it up. I like to picture it like on those movies where there's like, like the nuke the war, and it's like, do I press the nuclear button and just blow the whole world up or whatever? And how there's usually like this plastic clear cover over the big red button, and it's got, like a lock and two people have to unlock it. That's what I want. I want you to create that plastic safeguard over top of your button so that it can't just be pressed at once. You can do that. You will have so much more control over your own emotions and how you choose to interact in those situations. Now, some examples of these buttons might be. Are you easily made to feel guilty about situations? Do you feel bad if you don't do something for someone or if you do something for someone or do something that they didn't want you to do? Do you struggle with guilt? Do you struggle with fear? Are you all the time scared of something bad's going to happen and you're held hostage by that fear and that makes you do things that you don't really think are productive or that you really don't want to do? Are you super conflict avoidant? Do you just hate tension? Do you hate difficult conversations? Because if you are, that's a huge one. It's a huge button that could be causing you to sort of give in just to avoid those difficult conversations. Are you just really naive? You know, if you have a loved one who has a substance abuse problem and you've never been around that before, and you've never had a substance abuse problem, it could just be that you don't even know how all that works. And that's okay. It doesn't mean anything bad about you. But you may want to sort of get yourself a little education on what's really going on here. You know, what is. What's your button? What is it that you're avoiding? Once you can figure that out, you can get more control over that. Because what that is is just an emotional decision on how to deal with a situation. And trust me, they can find that button. Like, for example, the guilt button. Like, if the person you're dealing with is your child, maybe it's an adult child who has a substance abuse problem. And they guilt you because they know that you divorced their dad and their dad was mean. You know, they say, well, you know, you stay with dad and he was mean all those years. And they're like pressing your guilt button or y' all got a divorce and that caused drama and that Yelp button as a way to control you into doing things or not doing things. So just be mindful of what your buttons are so that you can protect them. And you can also, when that person is hitting those buttons, you can ask yourself, like, should I feel guilty about that? Should I really be worried about that? Or what's the chances that that could happen? You know, all of those kind of things. Just really examine what's happening there instead of just making that emotionally charged decisions. And probably you're going to realize that there's pattern for you. It, it may be all those buttons, but it could just be one or two that you really struggle with. Hey, cj. Hey, Terry and Iris. All right, the next one on my list, y' all know I'm always looking at my list, have to make notes, is you want to make decisions about what level of relationship or interaction that you want to keep with this person. So if they're super toxic and super manipulative and it's just a really bad situation, you may want to get out of that relationship completely if possible. Right? Because there are some situations where you can't just get out of the relationship. Maybe it's your boss, right? Maybe it's your parent, and you can distance yourself, but you can't completely get out of it. Sometimes you may not want to get out of the relationship totally because maybe it's not a totally bad situation. There are just certain aspects of it or pieces of it that you don't like. And in that, in that kind of situation, you may want to distance yourself. Now, how to go about doing that is a little bit more complicated. I have some different videos on that coming up for you. Because if you're dealing with a super manipulative person and you just try to ghost them or just get out of the relationship completely, that can blow up on you. It can hit their buttons in such a heavy way that they get super emotionally reactive. Mickey is asking, is this live? Yes, it's live. Glad to have you here. And Kathy. Hey, Kathy. All right, so the next thing skill on our list, and I know I told you five was on like the thumbnail, but once I got making this list, there was A couple extra bonuses I had to put in there for you. So right now we're on number three. Number three is choose not to get on the emotional roller coaster with them. And that one really kind of goes back to protecting your buttons, right? You don't have to get all emotionally charged up. And one of the things that they may do is they may press you, trying to make you make a decision really quickly. They may threaten. All these bad things can happen if you don't. And they're just trying to get you out of your logic and into your emotion. Because when we're in our emotion, we don't make good decisions. Choose not to get on that roller coaster. I'm telling you, it's a broken roller coaster, and the coaster is going to slide off the tracks. It's not good. Don't do it. All right, the fourth one, this may surprise you a little bit. A couple of these next ones are probably. Are going to surprise you a bit. But the fourth one is know when to allow it, right? Not every fight is worth fighting, right? When I used to be a therapist on the adolescent unit in a psych hospital, the saying, our saying was the staff was, that's not the hill I want to die on. And that's something I had to learn as a teacher, too, right? It's like, what is worth fighting about if. If you. Even if you know someone's trying to manipulate you, but you really don't care what they're asking for or need or whatever really doesn't upset your life, it doesn't cause an upheaval, and you really don't care anyway, then it might not be worth fighting for. Now, if you're. If your button is conflict avoidance, you may want to really look at this one twice. Because while I do think you really do need to select your battles with people in general, if you're super conflict of what, you may never select any of the battles. So get real with yourself. If you have trouble determining that, get yourself a sounding board or someone to say, hey, you know, should I hold the line on this, or is it worth it? Because. Because you may not be able to trust your own judgment if you. If you just tend to shy away from difficult conversations across the board. All right, the next one is to get ahead of it. Now I'm going to give you an example on get ahead of it. Campbell is really good at this. I'm going to give you an example of something she was telling a family just this past week. Campbell is our. One of our family recovery Coaches and they were dealing with an adult child who wanted some money. And they were trying to decide whether or not to draw a boundary. Right? This is a super common scenario, obviously. And you know, the adult child was, I'll have money, you know, at the end of the month or I really need it for this or that or the other. Now, obviously the parents knew that the kid was manip. The kid was trying to manipulate them on some level. But what Campbell told them to do was, you know, I think the kid wanted X amount of money. And she said, you know what, go ahead and give them that plus give them 50 extra, right? And say, you know what, I know you're struggling right now and things are hard, so I'm going to give you, you know, this to help you get through to that or to take care of whatever it is you need to take it care of. But then no more after that. So it's like a get ahead of it, right? And it doesn't even mean you always have to like give in like that. That's a strategy. But it's saying like, okay, I'm either doing this or not doing this this time. But you're all, you're automatically going on out into the future and saying, hey, I won't be able to do that for you anymore, or hey, from now on, I can only, you know, only have availability for that on Wednesdays. Get ahead of the manipulation, especially if it's something you know is just going to keep coming back at you. Like this conversation about the money is just going to keep coming and coming and coming. And so trying to get yourself, stay out of that bad guy role that we talk about so much on this channel. Also sort of balancing that with the not being manipulated. That's how you do that. You give them plenty of warning ahead of time. The other, and I forgot to say this back on the emotional roller coaster, one is sometimes they're going to want to get you really upset and heated, especially if you won't cave in to what they're trying to manipulate you about. And they may want to get you to say something crazy or negative or draw you into this big long argument or make you overly defend yourself. You really need to keep conversations brief about it. And then I would just, if there's any way to exit, like if you're talking to the, talking to them in person, just sort of casually answer their question, say what you're going to say, and then leave the vicinity, you know, don't keep engaging because they're just trying to press your buttons until you give in, and you're just going to say and do a bunch of stuff that's not helpful and that you'll probably regret later. All right, the. The next thing on my list for you to do is to learn how to do something I call this. Or it's sort of a counselor. It's not just me. I didn't make it up. But it's a counselor thing to do. It's called making a process comment. And so it's kind of like this way of calling out what the person's really trying to do. But I'm going to give you a specific strategic way to do this. Not just to start a fight. It's not a call out, like, start a fight. What I want you to do, a process comment, is instead of engaging in the topic that they're trying to talk to you about, whether that's like, money or will you babysit my kids? Or, you know, can you pay the electric bill? Or, you know, can you do this or that or whatever, instead of engaging in that conversation with them, you make a comment about what's happening between you and them. Like, what is the underneath thing? Let me give you an example. So what I mean by that is you might say, sometimes I get the impression that you're trying to, you know, scare me into doing what you want. Or, you know, every now and then I really feel like you're trying to guilt me. Is that what's happening here? The way you do that without being super, super confrontational is you don't use a really confrontational tone of voice. And you can couch it. Another thing you can do is couch it in some humility. And you can say, I might be crazy here, or, you know, maybe I'm imagining this, but it feels like this is happening. Or it seems like this is what's going on here. Now, when you do that, the person may not respond to it in the moment really well. They may, you know, get mad or deny it or say something ugly, whatever. But I guarantee you, when you do this, it basically say, hey, I'm on to you. Like, I get what you're trying to do here. You're trying to press my fear button or my guilt button or whatever, my empathy button. And so when you say that, even if they don't respond to it really well in that moment, it plants that seed inside, and you can guarantee it's going to start to soak in and they're going to know that, you know, and I think that helps a lot to get the Manipulation to sort of back off a bit because you're, you're like, I got it, you're calling their bluff sort of thing. But you got to get out of the conversation about it. Now there are other ways people try to manipulate you other than just getting like money from you or getting you to do things. And I cover these more in another video that's coming out soon. But other things for you to think of when it comes to manipulation is sometimes people are trying to manipulate you to get you on their side of an argument or to get you to buy into their narrative about something. Or they're just trying to manipulate you because they want you to have a particular emotional response, to be nice or happy or sad. So you gotta think broader in the terms of manipulation. It's not just about I want something from you, but it could be I want you to interact in a certain way or feel a certain way or think a certain thing. Because all of those, there are different reasons for some of those. And like I said, I've got some videos coming out for you about that when those kind of situations happen and how to deal with it. Now the last thing that is this last little weapon or skill I want you to have here is this. It could go bad when you're having these conversations with your loved one or friend or co worker, whatever, and especially if not doing what they want you to do, if they're not a super manipulative person, then they can accept no. Right? Because all of us have to be able to accept no. Except no, I'm not really, I don't really see it that way or except no, like I have a different opinion or I can't do that for you or I don't want to do that for you. Healthy people can, can be okay with that. Unhealthy people just cannot be okay with that. And so when you draw that kind of boundary, what's going to happen? What's could likely happen, I guess I would say is they could start hurling some like insults at you. Or they could say, well, you did this in the past or you did that, or you're being unfair. You know, they could kind of put some accusations out there. When they do that, your best bet is to sort of neutralize those accusations, sort of accept the accusation. And I know that may seem weird, but you've got to remember that this is nothing more than a ploy to get you to get on the emotional roller coaster. It's just an invitation to get on the roller coaster. That's what I Want you to view it as. And you're not getting on it anymore. Right? Like, seriously, we should do some kind of like pinky promises or something. Don't do it. So what I mean when I say accept the accusation is, is like if they say you're not fair, you're mean, or, you know, you don't trust me, or something like that, then you can say, I guess there might be a little bit of truth in that, you know, or you can say, I could see how you would see it that way. Or something like, don't, don't dig into this argument with them about that. Just either go with it. If it can be gone, if you can go with it. I mean, sometimes people could throw something at you that you just can't go with because it's that big of a lie or like super inflammatory or something like that. And you can say, wow, yikes, that's not the way I see it at all. And you could just walk on, but you want to sort of neutralize it because that's just an emotional jab at you. It's kind of like a last ditch effort at trying to push, force their way on you. All right, let's take a look at some of the comments and questions you guys have, because I see them piling up over here. Let's. Kathy says my adult addicted daughter does that with me. She will keep calling and texting when I'm at work to take her to the store. I'm constantly saying no, but one or two times I have give in and now she figures I will keep doing it. I have tried to be distant from her and she doesn't live with me. I want, I don't want. I won't give her money. And I feel bad that she needs food, but it drives me crazy because she keeps asking me if I want her to starve or die. That's that. Emotional blackmail is what I call that. It's a threat to self, Kathy. It's like, if you don't do this for me or if you don't give this to me, then this bad thing's gonna happen to me. That's called. I call it emotional blackmail. I know she's being manipulative and I've tried that. I've tried that one day. I feel like Kathy in that situation, that's the really good kind of situation. For one of those process comments where you call out, not just the argument about whether or not you can go to the store or give her money, but call out what's happening. You know, you can say, you know, I could be wrong here, but it feels like that you're constantly trying to force me into doing things by threatening, you know, that something bad's gonna happen to you, or you're being really emotionally manipulative here. You want to say what's happening, not in a I'm trying to start a fight way. They're probably going to deny it when you say it, but like I said, it's going to put that seed in there, and they're going to know that, you know, Iris says, I feel like I always have to be the bad guy. And if I end the relationship, both of our families, even if they know about the use, will blame me. Look at me like it's my fault. I hear what you're saying, Iris, and that probably is the case. You probably will look like the bad guy when. If you get to the point to draw a healthy boundary, especially if they're like extended family member and friends that don't really get it. But here's what I can tell you. Eventually down the road, when you're out of the picture and then it all comes towards them, they're gonna get it right. If you're the one with the front row seat and you leave all those other people that don't really understand the dynamics of what's happening, when it comes their way, they're going to start to get it. So sometimes you just have to let go of what other people think. That's what. That's maybe one of those buttons, you know, if you worry about what other people think, that's one of those buttons you need to build that safety case. On top of, Courtney says, going through a divorce due to my husband's addiction problem for 10 years of a constant roller coaster. I found a small recovery group at church that I feel helps me stick to my guns. The extra support to stay strong and keep focused on the direction I know I need to go. He always seems to know how to reel me back in and manipulate me and not moving on. Having the extra support group, I feel like, is a jump start that I know I need. I'll be able to make these last steps of divorce for me and for my kids. So I feel like what you're saying there, Courtney, is that that support group is. It's almost like it's helped you build the case over the. Over your buttons, over your emotional triggers that suck you back in over and over. Mickey says, if the person says they want to get better but doesn't actually do anything, is that Manipulation? Oh, that's a really good question, Mickey. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes people say that knowing full well they don't intend to do anything. They're just saying it to get you off their back or to get something for the moment. And other times people say that and they really mean it and intend to do it, but they aren't able to do it or it's more difficult than they think. So that's a really good question. And you, you just have to sort of decipher. A lot of times, like I said, people mean it when they say it, but they are. They just don't get how difficult it's going to be, or they minimize how much it's going to take to actually change. Says example, I'm not available, therefore I cannot do this for you. What you want or need, is that acceptable? Yes, I think that is acceptable. Like, if the person wants something from you during a certain time and it just doesn't work for you, you're at work, school, whatever, it's during the time of your favorite TV show and you gotta watch it, whatever that is, you should be able to say, hey, I wish I could do that. Or you don't even have to put that part in there if you want to, but you can say, I'm not available during that time. If you're dealing with a reasonable person, a healthy person, I should say, they're, they're gonna get that and they're gonna move on. If you're dealing with an unhealthy person, they may not accept that limit and they may start to push. And that's when you get into the manipulative kind of stuff. Because really unhealthy people, or people that unhealthy boundaries just don't accept. No. Very well. Next week, if you need some help with dealing with a manipulative loved one, friend, family member, and you just, you just need some help with some boundaries, consider talking to one of our family recovery counselors. I will put the link in the description so you can learn more about that. And up next, more videos about dealing with manipulative tactics.