How To Get Rid Of Negative Influences and Toxic Relationships to Protect Your Recovery

Having just one toxic relationship in your life increases your risk for relapse over 60%. Yes, 60%. That's crazy to think about. We've all heard that you need to change your people, places and things. That's a really common recovery saying. Sometimes people say playmates, playgrounds, and playthings. Basically, it's like you're gonna have to change your everyday environment. You know, you're gonna have to stop going certain places, you're gonna have to stop hanging out with certain people. And we can all easily see why that's so important. But it's not as easily done as we wish that it were. Because some of these relationships are a little bit more complicated than just a using buddy. Sometimes these relationships are family members. Sometimes these relationships are like long lifetime friends. Sometimes these relationships are these rocky, sort of toxic emotional relationships, you know, like. Like romantic relationships, usually, where there's just a lot of toxicity, or parent, child relationships where there can be a lot of toxicity there. So I want to take a little time and delve into each of these categories and take a look at what is the best way to address these things, and how do you back up and detach from these kinds of negative influences in your life. If you're watching this video because you are in recovery and you've been in recovery for a while, we definitely want to hear you weigh in on this topic. Were there people you had to detach from? How did you do it? If you're watching this video because you're in early recovery, you can be thinking about, who are the people in my life that if I'm really honest with myself, deep down inside, I know I'm gonna have to at least back up from, because maybe, maybe they don't use the substance you use, or maybe they don't engage in the addiction that you engage in, but they have some other type of negative influence on you. Because like I said, it's more complicated than just using buddies. And if you're watching this because you are here to try to figure out how to support a loved one who has an addiction, I want you to pay close attention. Because if you're the family member, you naturally want to just say, well, just cut them out. Just stop talking to them. Just block them from your phone. Just don't go around them. And you make it sound so easy. And we wish it were easy, but it is complicated, right? And if you think about it, how many people have told you to detach from the loved one that you're here trying to watch this show? To support. Right. It's easy for someone else to say, just get away from. Right. But it's a lot harder to do sometimes even when you want to do it, it's very difficult. But oftentimes there's a lot of ambivalence and mixed feelings about these relationships. They're never just one sided, like, oh, that's a bad guy and that's a good guy. Cut the bad guys out. It's a complicated mess. And in order to support someone who needs to make those changes, we have to have a little bit of understanding, we have to have a little bit of empathy about the difficulties and challenges that someone faces when they have to do this. Because you know, when, when people first start thinking about getting sober, their thing is I just got to let this substance go. Luckily, in the very beginning, they don't realize exactly everything they're going to have to do because if they did, they probably would be even more scared to give it up because really in the end they pretty much have to change everything. For those of you who are watching, who are thinking about getting sober, don't let this scare you, but it is the case. Luckily, once you do give up the addictive behavior, a lot of these other things just don't fit or work for you anymore. So some of the getting away from people, places and things is quite natural. It's not all super difficult, but you end up having to change your whole lifestyle. You end up having to change how you think about things. You end up having to develop all these like, new coping skills and problem solving strategies. It's a lot more than just letting go of some substance or some addictive behavior cycle that you're in. There's a lot to it and probably one of the hardest parts is the relationship piece. In fact, I find a lot of people have more fear and ambivalence and difficulty letting go of the relationships than they do of the substances. I've worked with a lot of people who, they're ready to let go of the, whatever the addiction is, and they do for periods of time, but they keep falling back because usually it's one or two negative influence or toxic kind of relationships. And it's not even so much that they don't want to let go of the addiction. It's like they, they're having trouble letting go of the relationships and it keeps pulling them back over and over and again. So let's, let's dive into this topic and let's start with the basic using Buddy. It's kind of easy to Think about, right when I think about using Buddy, I think about a bunch of people sitting at a bar and having drinks together. And maybe that's the only time that they get together, right, is just to have drinks. Or maybe the only time they get together is just to smoke weed or whatever it is that that they're doing. And we think, well, those are just using buddies. Sometimes when you're in the midst of addiction, these using buddies, you can feel a lot more connected to them than. Than just a using buddy. And one of the things that happens is, is the people that are just your using buddy, they usually just sort of, if you get clean and sober, they kind of take themselves out of your life, which on one hand it kind of makes it easy and, but on the other hand is a. Is a little bit painful. And I'll explain what I mean by that. What ends up happening is those people that are using buddies, not always, but a lot of times they also have a problem and they engage in that behavior problematically and to the point that if they know that you're sober, maybe they care about you. It's not that they don't care about you, but. But they know that they can't do that around you anymore. You'll notice that you're using buddies just kind of go MIA they just stop coming around. And a lot of times you think that you're closer with this person than that. And one of the real difficulties people go through in early recovery is finding out who's their real friend. And, and almost every single person I work with, there's some surprises that come with this. There's always a few people that you think are really going to be there for you, that you're best mate forever. You know, you got like the heartbroken necklaces with them or whatever, and they don't. They just sort of disappear. And then there's other people that maybe you kind of know or acquaintances that you don't feel that close to. And all of a sudden they step in to really, really be there for you and support you. And it's always kind of surprising. There's always a few that kind of come out of left field that you didn't quite expect. And sometimes these using buddies, they just kind of fall off the map. You know, they just kind of stop calling, they just stop answering your text, they just stop coming around. And like I said, it's good for recovery, but it is a little painful, right, when your friend just kind of ghosts you from nowhere and you don't really understand why if that's happened to you, I want you to understand that in 99.9% of those cases, that's nothing to do with you. That's all because they have a addiction problem themselves. And either they don't want to put you at risk, which is at least kind and thoughtful in some ways, or they're worried you're going to judge them because now you're sober and in their mind, being around you sort of makes them feel uncomfortable. It makes them feel kind of icky and kind of guilty, and so they just start naturally shying away from you because it makes them feel just weird. Even if it wouldn't bother you or trigger you to be around them, it's a trigger for them in the way that they feel like maybe you're judging them because they haven't given it up yet because it brings up their stuff, is what I'm saying, saying. And so it's not usually about you when it's the use and buddy thing. Now let's move to the next category, which is like the long term friendship. This happens a lot. Like maybe this person's been your BFF since preschool or whatever, you know, and you, you have a relationship with this person outside of just the addictive behavior, right? Like you guys have known each other since way before addiction ever even got into the picture. But at some point in that relations, that person also started engaging in that behavior, which isn't too shocking, right? Because if you're that close with someone over a long period of time, you usually kind of end up doing the same things, liking the same things, going to the same places. I mean, it's sort of like the natural process of it. So when it comes to letting go of these friends, this, this is where it can get really heartbreaking because it's like deep down inside you know that you're gonna have to distance yourself from that person if you're gonna stay sober. Because you know that being around them is just too much of a trigger for you because you have so many using memories together now. Because even if, even if they're trying to support you and they don't use around you, just being around this person is gonna bring up so many memories, it's gonna keep you triggered, right? And even if they're trying to do the right thing by you and maybe, you know, they're not even bringing it, they don't even have it on them, whatever the thing is, or whatever. But you know, when they leave this conversation or, or they leave for the afternoon or whatever, they're going to go do that, and then you're going to start thinking that, and you're going to feel like you're missing out. So, you know, you got to let them go because you. You've tried to be sober and keep them in your life probably 10 or 15 times now. So you've already figured out that you're gonna have to, like, distance yourself in that relationship. But it hurts your heart because, like, you really care about this person. Like, really, like, this is way more than a using friend. And you feel guilty over disconnecting from this person. So the idea of just blocking them or going Mia or whatever, it really just doesn't feel right in your heart. And so I think when you're dealing with a situation like this, a lot of times a conversation is necessary, and most of the time, if this person is close to you, they totally understand. Now, if you just go mia and you just ditch them, they are going to feel like, what the heck? You know, they are going to feel insulted and. And mad and let down. But if you have a conversation with them, them, and you just say, look, I'm really trying to clean myself up. I really need to stop doing this. So, you know, I might be in the background for a while. They're gonna say, I get it, man. I support you. You know, and eventually, sometimes that friend, one day, that friend's gonna call you up and they're gonna say, hey, man, like, how'd you do it? And they're gonna ask you that because they're thinking about doing it themselves. And maybe at that point, if you've had a long enough time sober, you can help them. What usually doesn't work is if. If the two really close friends or family members, which we'll talk more about in just a minute. But if you try to do it together, it sounds good in theory. But the thing of it is, is you're both so vulnerable that actually what ends up happening is you're both eventually just like, waiting for the other person to say, hey, let's do it. And as soon as one of you says it, you're like, yes, because you kind of like, you know, on those hard days, you're kind of hoping that they cave on you. And eventually somebody says, hey, let's. Let's do the thing, or whatever. And it's just easy to fall right back in that cycle. So in the early, early days, you really need to connect yourself with somebo who's got more stability in their recovery, Somebody who's done it, Somebody who's your stuff isn't going to really make them more vulnerable because they're solid in it. And it's not that you can't ever talk to this person again. It's not that you can't ever be around this person again. But the whole idea of like, because that's one of the bargains people do, they do this whole like, let's do this together because it kind of sounds fun, right? I mean it's like, let's do this hard thing together. It's kind of like let's go on a diet together, let's. Which is actually very similar. And it works about as good as the whole, like, let's get into recovery together, right? Like, because somebody's gonna cave and then it's so easy to just pull the other person down. So you really gotta attach yourself to somebody that has more recovery stability to make that work. When you let go of these longer term friends, you have this conversation and you know, you let them know that you care about them and probably eventually you'll be able to have some kind of relationship with them because you'll be more stable in your own recovery. Now, is it ever going to be great to be back best buddies with this person and be around them all the time while they're using or drinking or doing whatever the addiction is that you used to have? Probably not. And you're probably not even gonna want to. You probably aren't even gonna have any desire to be around that. It's not even so much you're scared of the relapse. It's just more that, that's just not fun if you're not doing that anymore and you just don't feel on the same wavelength with it. So I'm going to be honest with you here. If you stop and they don't, it is going to change the nature of your relationship. There's just no way around it. And it's not because you don't care for this person and it's not because they don't care for you. But essentially you are choosing different paths. And so it's hard and it's painful because it's like not only are you giving up the addiction, you're giving up somebody you care about that you love, that you have all this history with. And that is my experience, oftentimes more painful than giving up the substance. A lot of people come to terms with the fact that they need to give it the substance long before then. They come to the fact they got to give up the person and it's because they haven't come to that conclusion that they keep falling back so many times into talking about the family members. It just gets more complicated, right? Because you can't just go to them sometimes even if you want to, because they're in your family. Maybe they're your cousin, maybe they're your Aunt Martha, maybe they're your grandmother, who knows, right? And you kind of have to be around them to some degree and that can get really kind of uncomfortable, not just for you, but for like the rest of the family members too, because you can feel this, this tension going on. And so in that case, a lot of times there's not this 100% never see this person again. I think what you have to do when it's a family member is you have to damage control the situation. Now there is one, there's a little exception to that, and I'll come back to that in just a second. But if it's like your, your aunt, your cousin, even your brother, but like, let's say you're adults and you live separately and all that kind of stuff, then you're probably going to have to, to damage control it. Now if you have a solid loving relationship with that person, then you may want to have a actual conversation with them. If you're not really that tight with them but you know that they do what you do and they're really, even though your family member, they're really kind of more like a use somebody, then you can just kind of like quietly back out of it. You know, you can just kind of quit coming around, quit calling so much and it, and that won't be so hard. It's really when you're really tight with some someone that it can be super difficult. Now the exception to that, and I've been having, I've seen this question several times on, in the comments on videos lately, is what do you do if your partner, as in your like romantic partner, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whoever that like lives with you is still using? And I haven't really done a good job answering that question because I don't have a good answer to it. Well, I have an answer to it, but it's not going to be an answer that anybody wants to hear. So I just haven't really put it in the comments because it's more of a conversation than it is a comment that's really difficult. It's kind of like the whole trying to get sober with your friend thing that that doesn't even work when you're Both trying to do it. It definitely doesn't work if one of you is trying to do it and one of you is not. Right. Because even if they're still using doesn't trigger you to want to use because you're just that tight in your recovery. And that. That could be. Even if that's the case, what is eventually going to happen is you're not going to relate the same. And I know you don't want to hear that, but you will be on two different paths. Because like I said, giving up a substance or being in recovery is a lot more than just giving up a substance. You are going to change as a person. You're going to change how you think, you're going to change how you feel. You're going to change what you do in your everyday life. You're going to not be interested in those things, other old things anymore. You're going to be interested in new things, and you're just not going to be connected in the same way. So, I mean, usually you have to give it that relationship to even get sober. Okay, let's just be real. Like, if somebody's still using and you're trying to give it up, it's a constant trigger. So chances are you're going to have to give up that relationship before you even get that far down the road. But even if that's not the case, then you're just not gonna be on the same wavelength. Now, it's a little different if your partner. Maybe they. Maybe you're giving up drinking and maybe your partner drinks, but they. They drink occasionally or they drink socially or they drink, like, not problematically. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when this is your partner, your husband, your wife, and y' all party it up together like they're. They're either in it as bad as you are or not that far behind you. Okay, because what. Because the reason that's not going to work is because they've got a problem, too, and they're not going to be able to put it aside enough to support you the way you need to be supported. Right. They're not going to be able to not drink, you know, when they're home, because they also have a problem. So I don't mean, like, if your friend every now and then does it and. But it's not like their whole thing. That's. That's different. I'm talking about, like, when your partner is right there with you usually. I mean, it's not uncommon to have Two partners that have a substance abuse problem, usually one of them either has a slightly worse problem or maybe they. The. The actual addictive behavior is about the same, but it, but it's causing a lot more manageability for one of them. And so that one gets labeled the problematic one, right? It's like, oh, you're the one with the problem. And so all of a sudden that person has to get in recovery and they do get cleaned up, and then they're looking at their other partner and they're like, you know what? I think you got a problem too. And that's one of the most difficult kinds of situations that you can run into. I mean, sometimes you're married to this person, which can be super complicated, and you're going to end up not connecting with them the same way anymore, and you're going to end up resenting them because they can't put that addiction aside and be in the relationship with you, and they're going to end up resenting you. Like, sometimes they may not say it, but like, they're gonna miss their use somebody. And sometimes they sabotage you sort of semi on purpose, right? They don't. It's not always super direct. Like, they're not always like, hey, let's go do whatever. But if you're having a weekday and you're like, man, I'm really thinking about X whatever it is, and then they're like, okay, let's do it. Like, they don't even try to stop you because really they kind of miss you doing that with them. And they don't want to say that because they know that doesn't sound good. And it doesn't, does. It's not a good look, but it's sort of true, right? And it's kind of like, you know, I miss my. I miss my buddy and I'm feeling disconnected from you. And so they sort of secretly don't want you to stop. And that. That can be really hard. Now there's this other category. This is like a whole different category. It's the kind of relationship that's not necessarily bothersome. It doesn't have to be bothersome exactly because that person uses or has an addiction or anything like that. But like, when you have a toxic, an emotionally toxic relationship with someone else, the emotional roller coaster and the drama is a constant trigger for you. So maybe this person you have this relationship with, maybe it's a parent or something. And it's not, it's not that you can't be around them because they use or whatever, but it's like there's so much water under the bridge with you and this person. There's so much hurt feelings and turmoil and resentments and love and care. You know, it's when you have those that like hot and cold mixed kind of relationship with someone, if, if you just had the anger and the resentment, it'd be easy. But th, but those toxic kind of relationships are not clean like that. They're messy. Right? It's this love hate thing. It's this ex that you keep going back to a hundred times, even though it's either you're just toxic together. Maybe it's just the combination of the two, or maybe they're like flat out abusive or something like that. Or there's an attachment issue and you keep getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and breaking out, getting back together and breaking up. The emotional turmoil of that is not going to allow you to have enough stability to maintain your recovery because you're going to constantly be in a crisis, you're going to constantly be upset, and you're going to be constantly having to deal with this relationship issue because it's so unstable or because you have trauma around it and it's going to keep you triggered in a different way. Not because they're using, but because of the emot. Chaos and drama that it causes in your life. Those relationships are probably the hardest of all the ones we've talked about so far to let go of. And it's, it's because of the hot, cold dynamic there. It's because there is so much positive feelings and negative feelings. Those are the hardest relationships to get out of. And anybody has been in one of these relationships, which is a lot of people, maybe most people at some point have been in a, a not great relationship like this. You know, it's difficult to leave and you, you, you know, it's not healthy for you and you promise yourself you're not going back and you stay away and then you go back and then the drama comes back and you're like, oh, yeah, that's why it doesn't work. And it's like there's something there that works with that person. There's something either a love you have, a history you have, a chemistry you have that keeps drawing you. You really just want it to work and you really wish that that toxicity wasn't there, but it just is. And in my experience, it takes several times to break away from that relationship. Like it usually does not happen on the first break. That's kind of part of what makes it toxic? It's not usually one big falling out and then I'm done. Right. It's a lot of back and forth. It's a lot of trying to make it work. It's, it's, it's a lot of like disappointment and hurt feelings and falling back into same old patterns. And it's very painful process. And sometimes you're in a toxic relationship with someone who does not want to let you go. And this particularly happens when it comes to like, romantic relationships. Like this person is pursuing you or stalking you or just inundating you, right? Like, and they just don't want to let you go. And maybe you're even kind of scared of this relationship. So it's like you want out, but you can't even figure out how to get out. Sometimes in those kind of relationships you kind of have to tiptoe out of because it's so volatile that you have to have like a strategic plan on how you're going to leave or get out of it. Especially if it's an abusive kind of relationship. But it doesn't even have to be abusive to be like this. It's, it's just one of those relationships that's so emotionally charged that whenever one person leaves, the other person starts the pursuing thing. And maybe you've been on the other side of that because this has been probably going on for a long time between you and this person. That's very, very difficult. Right. If you're in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder specifically, that can be hard relationship to get out of. Now, I know everyone says just block them, just don't talk to them or whatever, but I'm telling you, sometimes these, these people don't want to let you out of those relationships. If you've ever been in one of these toxic relationships and you've experienced this back and forth and this complicated dynamic and this difficulty, I want you to put a little hand emoji in the comments. Like you're raising your hand. You're like, oh yeah, that's me. So raise your hand in the chat or in the comments if you know what I'm talking about. I bet there's, I bet there's a few of you out there. Now in just a minute, we are going to go to our chat for our people who are here watching us live, and we're going to take some questions and comments from you and I, and I would love to even hear from you guys about. Do you have any experience with this? Have you been able to successfully pull away and detach from one of these kind of relationships. And what did it take to do it? Right? Because it's not simple. People want to make it simple, but it's not simple. And if you're watching because you have this loved one and you're trying to support, the best thing you can do do is understand what they're going through and try to have an empathetic statement. You're not, you're not enabling them. You're not saying, oh, it's fine, you can have that person over, whatever, whatever. But. But at least understand why it is difficult to disconnect from them and why it's not just as simple as. As you want it to be. It helps people when they feel heard and understood. It helps people to make those hard decisions. Right. But when they feel like you're pushing on them and pushing on them, they feel like they have to cling to whatever they have and it's just going to make them cling relationships even more. So. So handle it, you know, with kid gloves. Handle it with care and kindness. Now, while you get your questions in the comments, I will tell you, as always, there are resources in the description. I think there's still one spot left in October if you want to start recovery coaching with me. Not, not next week, but I think the next week and then always. There is tons of tons and tons of resources down there for people who are trying to support someone who need either is in recovery or needs to get in recovery. Okay. If you have a loved one who's in denial and you need them to figure it out, then look at our invisible intervention. Or we have a free Facebook group or we have a, a coaching group where you can get live coaching group coaching every week from our family experts. All that's down there. All right, Bri, do we got some good ones? Hey Anthony, thank you for the super chat. You are so sweet. You put a super chat last week. You're awesome. Thank you. That money helps to go into producing all these videos and getting them out there. Thank you. Sensible crime says when a friend detaches from us, we think we did something wrong. Sometimes people just avoid someone who is open about addiction when we are still using. Amen to that. Right, right. It's usually about you, especially when it comes to like a use. And buddy, it's usually because it makes them uncomfortable because you're making a positive change. Because deep down inside they kind of know they need to make a positive change and they either feel like you're judging them or it just makes them feel like maybe you're going to talk to them about it and they're just running from it. But you're so right. Sensible crime. You're spot on. All right, here we go. I don't think I can say that name, Bri. All right, but the question is, what if you have a fear of the unknown and no support or anything with the kids, the devil you know type? It's a double edged sword. Yeah, right. Like you, you bring up a good point. Right. It's like at least I know what to expect. Even if I know I'm. I'm in a not great situation. But sometimes the pain of the situation outweighs the fear of the unknown. And when you get to that tipping point, you'll take that leap even though it's scary and you're like, I don't know what's going to happen out there. I don't know how I'm going to figure it out and how I'm going to take care of these kids, but I'm going to figure it out and it's not going to be this bad. And eventually it usually reaches that point where you get, you get brave enough to take that leap. That's a good question, though. Carolyn says this is similar to the management of other chronic diseases where you have to make lifestyle changes to stay healthy for the long term. Sure. 100 like it's not, it's not rocket science. It's not that different than anything else. Maybe some, maybe two friends, one of them decides to get really in shape and now it changes the friendship. Yeah, it's just like that. But, but it kind of is difficult. Trustee says, Amber, I took your advice, let his addiction roll and did not put on the brakes when he slipped up this time. He, he has passed out since three days with barely food, any food in his system. I worry about his health. Is there more to that one? Brie, is there like a question? No, that's just it passed out for three days. So if I'm remembering right, Sri, the issue you're talking about is drinking. Right? I'm trying to remember. I think that's right. And so the person is, is passed out three days makes me think that they're still drinking. He did not put the brakes on when he slipped up this time. So it's like he's on a bender. That is pretty scary. And so if it's been going on and it's that bad, even if the, even if he does decide he wants to stop, then you're Going to need to be really careful and mindful about detox, especially if it is alcohol. If I'm remembering that right, that is scary. But if. If. If he slips so bad that it's that bad, I can tell you one thing. When he gets on the other side of this bender, he's gonna. He's gonna realize that he's not managing it. Because I remember when you said on one of the lives a few weeks ago or something tristy, you said, he keeps slipping up, but it's like, you know, every few weeks or something, and then he slips up and then he gets back on track. And I said, well, it's probably making him think he's managing it. And so it's going to be clear now that he's not managing it. So if we can get him on the other side of the spender, it might help to clean up some of that denial. Right. Even though he was saying, I know I've got a problem, but. But I need to stop. When they're just having a little lapse every few weeks, and they. They start to see it like a cheat day, and they start to see, like, okay, it's okay. Like, I got rubbing on track, and then it kind of sends them a denial. Yes. Drinking pattern of eight months, two weeks, no alcohol, then a slip, then back to silver life. Yeah. So this is gonna. Because what I say to people, I always say, I'm not saying you can't ever manage your addiction. I'm just saying you can't manage it consistently, and eventually it's going to get you. And that's what's happened this time. And so you tell people that they don't believe you. They have to kind of do it a few times before they're like, yep, it always ends badly. So this could go either way for you. This could be like a learning moment where we really get it, but we got to get on the other side of the spender first. Modern monarch says, amber, my alcoholic says that I'm the reason why he wants to go to rehab and get clean. How sustainable is this? Would a breakup help him stay focused? Can you be friends with an ex addict? Okay, there's like, three questions here. Let's take the first one first, this. I'm glad you asked this question, because we talk about this on this channel a lot, and I think it's definitely like one of those myths out there that you have to, like, get sober for yourself. I disagree. Most people get sober for some external reason. If they're being honest, it's because they don't want to lose relationship. They don't want to go to jail, they don't lose their job. They realize that they're destroying their finances. They get sober for some external reason. So if someone says that the main reason why they're getting sober is for someone else, then I say, wonderful. I think that's great. Eventually, once someone gets sober at some point in there, they have to decide they want to stay sober for themselves. But. But don't worry too much if someone says, I'm doing it for some kind of external reason because. Because everybody does it for some external reason to begin with. So, yes, that can be sustainable. Now, my guess is, is that he has other reasons other than just you. Because if he thought it was completely ridiculous and that they didn't have a problem at all, then even if you wanted them to, they just wouldn't do it because they're like a stupid. Like you're. You're wrong. So there are other reasons in there. Maybe you're the main reason, but there are other reasons I in there. Would a breakup help them stay focused? No. A breakup would definitely disregulate the situation. It would have the opposite effect. Sometimes people say, you know, I want you to. Maybe it's like their partner. And they say, you need to leave the house while you clean it up. Now, a lot of times that's good for you as the person. So I'm not telling you not to break up. I'm not telling you not to have someone leave, because sometimes that's what you got to do for you. But if you're asking me is it good for them, the answer to that is no, because usually you're the person that's holding the dam back. And when that goes, it all goes. But please don't take that as me saying that now you have to stay with this person because you know their recovery is dependent on it because you got to worry about you too. Okay. Can you be friends with an ex addict? I'm not sure if you're saying, like, somebody who used to be an addict or you're saying like, somebody who you used to be in a relationship with, like an ex, as in you broke up, but they are an addict. If you're saying somebody who's an ex addict, now they're in recovery, yeah, you can totally be friends with them because people in recovery are the best. People in recovery have these emotional and social skills that are, like, better than other people, so. And they kind of have a wisdom about them, so. Yes, but What I think you're saying is, can we, can I break up with this person? Like, what if we break up and they're still an addict? It's probably not going to work. I think trying to stay friends with somebody after a breakup in the beginning is pretty much a mistake always. And so if you throw that addiction on the top of it, you're definitely looking for a mess because part of the addiction is going to involve a lot of self pity and resentment. And when you break up, that's just going to give them the perfect, most biggest reason ever. And they're going to have this, they're going to, they're going to blame you is what's going to happen. So maybe eventually, but you need to give it some time if you want to be friends. Debbie says, what if literally everyone in your life is a using buddy, spouse, family and friends? Is it safe to just be alone for a while? Yeah, I would say that's probably what you're going to have to do. And you're going to, eventually you're just, you're going to need to build some new relationships, some positive relationships into your life. But if everyone around you is using, yeah, you're probably going to have to take a break. I think it would be safer to distance yourself than to stay in, in those relationships because you got to get your feet under you. Good question. Debbie, Ivan and Lydia says my addictive partner struggles with relationship with his addicted mother. Yeah, I guess. Is there any advice on how to support one or both of them? Is it appropriate to suggest some distance? I think it works better if you get them to say that they need distance. So the next time you're in a conversation and it comes up, either ask the right question that gets them to say it versus you say it because deep down inside they know it, but they have mixed feelings about it. And so if you say it, then immediately in their mind they're gonna defend why? Like that's my mother. Like I can't just abandoned my mother. You know, they're gonna start defending why to stay in the relationship. So it, it's, it works best if you get it to come out of their mouth, right. And when it does come out, you can say, you can empathize with how hard that is and how it's going to be sticky and difficult and how it might be a little messy, like it might not, you might not be able to have a clean break. So if you get them to say it and then you empathize with the difficulty of it, you're going to get them to gain insight because they said it. And that empathy is going to help them have the strength and the safety in order to pull that off. So get it to come out of them. Ronnie St. John says my daughter and spouse are both alcoholics. They are toxic together. She decided last week to move back to California from Texas and go to rehab. Second attempt in three months. How can we best support her? Last time, after 28 days, they decided he would come back and bring her to Texas. So she says, she still says they are staying together and is focused on going back. Well, you're, you're asking me how do we best support her? And the, the unfortunate answer to that is there's going to have to be some distance between her and the, the father. If they're both using and they're both. Maybe they don't use together, but maybe they both have a problem. And because of that, they have all this emotional toxicity and they have this like, roller coaster relationship. It's probably gonna have to be a break in that. But if you, if she's just gotten into rehab, maybe she hasn't figured that out yet, but she, if she's going to be there a while, she might come to terms with that herself as she gets healthier and healthier and healthier. But even if it's, even if it's with a family member, when you have one of those toxic relationships, the emotional instability and the being upset with each other is just going to keep everybody triggered. Tay says I am sober, curious, from alcohol. My spouse says that I'm unbearable when sober. Should I move. Should you move on from your ex? Oh, X. Wait, move on from your ex? Oh, I think that's Tay talking to I'm sober curious. My F says I'm unbearable when I'm sober. Should I, I think you're saying, like, should I leave that relationship? The thing of it is, is my guess is Tay and I, I don't know you. So this is total guess. Okay? Everything I say on the chat, by the way, is theory and guess, right? This is my best guess. But you're probably unbearable when you're sober because you're in withdrawal and because your brain chemicals haven't normalized out and you're probably. Oh, should you do it alone? And you're probably grumpy and you probably don't like things and you're irritable and you probably have. Maybe you are miserable when you're sober, but have you ever been sober, like, long enough for your brain chemicals to re stabilize because most people are better once they get over the hump, but there is a period of time where they're worse. I mean, it's not uncommon for someone to say, dude, I liked you better when you drank, but that's because you're not. You got to get over that withdrawal process to really come back to be in yourself. Should you do sobriety alone? If what is happening to you is what I think is happening to you, which is you're unbearable because you're in withdrawal, then maybe you just need a little distance for long enough to get yourself back in order. If, for whatever reason, when you're sober and you're sober for, like, a long time and you're back to your real self and your real self just isn't compatible with their real self, then that may be different. And. And unfortunately, sometimes when we have a relationship, when we're in an addiction, once that changes, we don't realize it, but sometimes it changes the relationship. So I don't know that necessarily know that you have to go it alone. You may want to take a week or two away because you might be grumpy. You know, I don't know. What else do we have? Dawn says, I moved out three months ago to focus on my sobriety, and my spouse of 15 years keeps asking when I'm coming back. How do I make them understand this break is permanent if they do not get sober? Also help. I think you're. Have you said that to them, Don? Because you're saying I moved out to focus on my sobriety? Like, are you telling them this? Just a break? I just need to focus on me? Or are you saying, look, like, I. I don't think this relationship is going to work if we're not both on this path. If you haven't directly said that, I think you're gonna have to make that clear. All right, everybody, we are about to run out of time. You guys were awesome. As always, you ask the best questions. You guys are, like, getting smarter and smarter, which makes me have to be on my toes. If you're watching the playback, thank you for being. Thank you for watching on the playback. And if you want to join us live, we're live every Thursday at 1. All right, everybody, see you next time. Bye.