HOW TO GET YOUR ADDICTED LOVED ONE TO ACCEPT (AND DEAL WITH) THEIR ADDICTION!

Today we are talking about the levels of denial. And I mean, there are levels. It's not just in denial or not. And we're going to talk about the important things to understand about those levels of denial. Because if you have a loved one with a substance abuse problem, you need to understand where you're at so you can understand what tactic to use. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is specifically to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your loved one back on track, if possible, but definitely to get your own life back on track. I am a substance abuse counselor and have been for a long time now, more than 16 years. And I normally work with the person who has a substance abuse problems. But my office, we work with the whole family, so I have other people in the office work with the family. And I'm basically giving you the side scoop. Hey, Paige. So the information I'm going to give you comes from years of experience of sitting across from people with substance abuse problems and really listening for how they think, how they're making decisions, and what's going on, because it's the psychology of the problem that's so difficult to get through. Hey, Rena. Hey, Angela. And so today I'm going to be talking to you some of my sort of secret inside tips about different types of denial that you may be running into, and a little bit of tips on kind of, you know, what to do about it or definitely what not to do. And I think that'll help you kind of understand where you're at. I'm going to give you five layers now. Like I said. Hey, Aiden. These are not. You're not going to find these in a book. I just made up the names of these because this is from my professional experience. And so it's just the different versions, I guess, that I've seen over the years. And these are five categories, and the last one is probably the most difficult to deal with. So we're going to kind of start because usually these levels of denial, they almost happen in, like, a progression. It's kind of like stage one, stage two, stage three, stage four, all the way down to stage five. Hopefully you don't get to stage five, because not a good place to be, but this will at least help you understand kind of where you're at. Now. Most of us think about denial means that someone doesn't think that they have a problem, which is a pretty accurate definition of denial. But it's a little bit more complex than that because I would say what I'm going to call stage one denial. Is that really stereotypical, like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a problem. You all need to get off my back kind of denial, like a refusal to see. Hey, Vargas. A refusal to see that there is any problem at all. That is stage one denial. And if you're dealing with that with someone that you care about, the key here is to do two things. One most important thing, keep yourself out of the bad guy role. And the second most important thing is keep yourself out of the enabling role. That can be hard to do because they're almost like opposites, you know. And so we do a lot of teaching on this channel and in our family recovery academy about how to accomplish that very thing. But essentially what it is is you don't want to be the one that's the villain in the story. Don't let them make you into that person. I know they have superpowers for doing this, and they're really good and they push you buttons, but try really hard not to be the villain because that slows down the process. Because then they get focused and preoccupied on you and, and how unfair you are and how nagging and controlling you are and all that stuff. And it just distracts us from seeing that there's a problem. So it just slows down the process. So that's the first key. The second key is don't fix the situations for them. That is going to help someone begin to see that they have a problem faster. Obviously, families, you do not cause this problem. It's not your fault that your loved one has this problem. But I'm telling the truth. You could be slowing down the process. You could be hindering the recovery, and you're. You could be doing that if you're playing the bad guy role or if you're fixing their outside situations. Hey, Sue. Hey, Taylor. Occasionally I do tell people it's okay to fix it, but usually only if it's like leveraged. Okay, like, I'll help you. I'll help you get a lawyer, but only if you're in treatment for this long or something like that. I'm okay with that. But just fixing it and, and then just expecting it not to happen again with no other interventions, that's bad business. People don't do that. Okay, so let's say your loved one is past that part of, like, I don't have a problem at all. The next Stage you're going to run into is called. This is what I call it. It's called, okay, I got a problem, but it's not that bad. I just get a little carried away sometimes. I just need to rein it in. Let level number two is, it's a problem, but it's not that bad. And this is where I start to see a lot of the. What we talk about on this channel about the bargaining. Like, let me try to cut it back. Let me try to not use for a little while and reset my system. Let me try to just drink on the weekends. Let me try to just snort a thousand dollars worth of cocaine a week, whatever it is. They're trying to sort of cut it back, but they're not to the point that they are like, I really just need to stop this altogether. That's level number two, denial. And that stage can go on sometimes for years. And it's super frustrating. Hey, Rita. Tapering. That's right. That's in their mind. They're tapering. But it doesn't really work that good. Honestly, it's frustrating as a family member to watch this process because you know it's just gonna be a disaster. And their active addiction has just been so horrible, it's wreaked havoc on your life and just terrorized you. And so it's just like, it keeps you distraught. Seeing this, it's hard for me to watch, and I'm not even like their family member because I know it's just going to end in disaster. But the thing about this level of denial, hey, Em, you can't skip this part. Everybody's gonna go through this part. But there are some things that you can do to speed it up. So, like, for example, when there's someone in my office and they're doing this bargaining thing, they're like, well, this is what I think would be manageable. I just want to do this. I just want to smoke weed. I just want to drink. But no more than three drinks, and only on special occasions. Whatever their plan is, I probably know dead that is not going to work 100%. Inside of me knows that. But I also know that people have to figure that out for themselves. So the way I deal with that is I say, okay, you're right. Like, if you can just drink three drinks, like, there's nothing wrong with that. That's not problematic. Let's try that. Let's hurry up and try it so we can get that bargain out of the way, because we're going to have to go through the List and check off every single way of trying to manage it without really, really addressing it. Kind of like the shortcut way of addressing it. We're going to have to do all that. Hey. A. They get a sense of control from tapering as well. That's right. And to be honest, like, who wants to like totally say I'm an alcoholic or an addict and that means I can never even drink a beer again? Like, we're not. That's not gonna be your first conclusion. So it doesn't mean that they're a bad person. Doesn't mean that they don't get it or they're. They're not trying. That's like a normal human response that we would all have. Including me, including you. You know, we don't want to give up everything, so let's try to cut it back. That's normal. I know it's frustrating, but that's level number two. And you're not gonna skip it, but you can speed it up. Alright. Level number three I'm looking at because I got my list down here. Level number three. It's almost like these are almost like, I call it round one treatment, Round two treatment. And by treatment, I don't necessarily mean like full out, $100,000 treatment. But that's why sometimes you want to start with a lower level of treatment because you're going to go through these levels. It's happening now. Sometimes people go through all these levels before they ever walk through my door. But they went through them. And then other times people come in and they're still one of these or other levels of denial. But this third level is okay, I know I got a problem. I know I gotta stop. Like I really gotta stop this problem. But I can do this on my own. Like, I stopped before I stopped for three months one time. I got this. So this is not denial about having a problem. This is denial about what it's gonna take to fix the problem. So it's just a process, you know, it's just a process of like helping someone understand you got a problem. Yeah. It's bad enough you're gonna have to just like give it up. And bad news here is like, it's gonna take a whole extreme makeover. Because it's even hard for me to explain to someone what it's really gonna take to be in recovery. Being in recovery is not. I stopped drinking. Yeah. That's like the first thing you do. Excited for your first counseling session. All right. Wanda said that's like the first thing you got to do. But in order to stay sober or be in, like, what people refer to as recovery, like, you got to change your thought processes, because otherwise these dysfunctional ways of thinking are going to come back in. You got to change your relationships. You got to mend fences. There's a lot of work to be done. You have to change your routines. It's extreme makeovers. It's way more involved than just, I'm not going to drink, because probably all of your. All of you who are watching this with a loved one who has problem has stopped before for some period of time. That did not cut it, did it? It's still there. That addictive, problematic behavior is there. If it's there long enough, usually the substance comes back as well. So getting people to really understand what it's going to take to get better. There's a guy who's an alumni in our group right now, and he was like, this guy, when he called us, he was as ready to change as I've ever seen. Like, he knew he had a problem. Like, he's like, oh, yeah, I got, like, a really bad problem. Okay, what? You tell me what to do. I'm doing it. You tell me, go to detox, I'm going. So he was willing, but then it's like, you get out. We want you to come to iop. Won't you have therapists? Why don't you have recovery coach? We want you to have a sponsor. Why don't you go to 12 meetings? And it's like, what? Why don't you do all that? And he was telling us not that long ago, he's like, you know what? At the time, I was like, that's crazy. I don't need all that. And then he was like, I need every bit of that. I still need that. So it takes a while for people to really understand why all those pieces are so important. Level number four, denial, is more like, okay, I've got this problem. I stopped using. I worked my steps. I did what I was supposed to do, and I just won't put this whole ugly mess behind me. I hear that a lot. Hey, Lori, your husband's been working twice as hard now since meetings are on Zoom. I know the being on Zoom meetings, I don't think it's quite the same. It's. It's better than you would think, but it's not the same. Oh, thank you, Roberto. So this idea of, like, I just want to put this ugliness behind me, you know, you really can't blame someone for this. It's probably not something I think about. It's something they feel embarrassed about and shameful about and they just want to have dealt with it and then just put it in the closet, lock the door on it and just move forward. And this isn't a bad way of thinking. It just doesn't work that way. I think we could all relate to this. How many of us watching this video as family members, we like to just shut the door on this and walk away too, wouldn't we? Okay, went to treatment, got that done, now we're out. But this is something you have to keep your eye on all the time. Now. It doesn't mean you have to go to meetings every day of your life for the rest of your life or something like that. But you need to have an awareness of this thing. Because addiction is, they say, recovery cunning and baffling. And that is for sure. And I usually say recovery management is really not about focusing on not using or drinking. It's about sanity management. Because when you're really in recovery, it's when you start to just feel overwhelmed and you start losing your sanity that you're at risk to use substances. You know, it's like life gets hard. You get to this stuck point, you feel like this the only thing that's gonna help. You know, it's only things like your anxiety better or whatever. And that's how people end up talking themselves into it. So I don't think it has to be the only thing in your life forever. But I don't think that you can fold it up and put it in a little box and put behind you and just forget it ever happened either. I think that's kind of dangerous. Alright, moving on to level number five, denial. I think I told you at the beginning, I think this probably the most difficult kind. Level number five, denial is the denial that it's the opposite kind of, I don't have a problem. It's kind of like I have a problem and it's so bad I can never stop. Like, it's like probably this person has tried before, they've been to treatment before, they've probably failed a few times and they literally just give up. So it's not like denial of the problem. It's more like an acceptance of this is just my fate. Sometimes it's almost like a passive suicidality because it's just like, this is my journey, this is my fate. You know, I'm just gonna drink till I die or whatever. You know, it's kind of like, have y' all seen that movie, like Leaving Las Vegas with Leaving Las Vegas with Nicolas Cage. It's a rough movie, but it's like that. It's like I'm just giving into the process. And that, to me, is the hardest thing to get through. Because the other parts of denial is just almost like removing the lens from their eyes, the obstacle, so they can see the problem. This other level is a hopelessness. And if you're dealing with someone in this level of denial, the thing that's important is to, number one, make sure that they're not just sort of being like that because they're playing victim. And that just makes you get off their case because it can be sort of manipulation, but also, like, to help the person feel hopeful, to help the person know that life can get better, that they have the strength inside, that even though they may have been to treatment and it hasn't, they did make progress. You know, you kind of have to sort of sometimes give them a pep talk. It's not. It's kind of the opposite of the other, because it's a hopelessness. And you have to get them back to being able to see the possibility that things could be better. So those are my five levels of denial. I hope that's helpful for you, because all of you who are watching probably have loved ones at various stages, and you don't approach one the same way as you approach the other. Like the person. If you have a person, a loved one in stage five, denial, and you're trying to convince them they have a problem, like, you're making it worse. Stage two, how do you speed it up? That's the bargaining stage. Good. Question is you just let the bargains happen and you just, like, don't interfere with the process. So, like, most of the time, as a family member, you're so fixated on getting it to stop, you're not really gonna get it to stop doing what you're doing, but you might slow it down. And you have to change your thinking from, I'm trying to make it stopped. I'm trying to get it over with quick. It's the rip the band aid off. So it's like, instead of trying to get them to not try to manage the drinking at first, you can say, okay, let's try that. I mean, this is. Provided they haven't tried it 500 times before, and then say, okay, you're gonna have to, like, let them try that. Don't try to say okay. But three, and then you're policing it, and then you're taking it away. Or whatever, because then you just slow down the process. Like, we need to figure out is this gonna work or is it not gonna work? Can you cut it back or you can't? We got to try that. They're probably going to try it in a lot of different ways. Sometimes that's cutting back the substance. Sometimes that's like switching from one substance to another substance. You know, it's like, I'm going to stop doing cocaine, but I'm just going to smoke weed. Like, it's natural. Everyone smokes weed. Super common. Everyone either wants to still drink if they've had a hard drug problem or they want to still smoke weed. I'm telling you, it just doesn't work. But those are like the last strongholds for a lot of people because they feel like, well, this was never a problem for me before. It was this other substance that was a problem for me. And the reason I think that is because the other substance just caused more problems faster in a way that they could see. But once you take whatever, the harder substance out or whatever their main drug is out, it's not that you have a problem with alcohol. It's not that you have a problem with cocaine. It's that you have a problem of not coping with life and of using a substance to do it. So the switching the substance isn't going to help. But you, you gotta let people figure that out. It's painful, though. Hey, Paige, thank you for the, for the encouragement. It's like you're a little cheerleader. Alright, guys, I'm on here every Thursday at 1. You guys leave me some comments in the comment section telling me what you want to hear about next week. I try to take inspiration from you guys, and if you're dealing with a loved one in denial and you want more help on how to get them through the those stages, then consider becoming a member of our family recovery academy because that's going to really expedite your process. That's the way you make this faster. All right, guys, see you next week.