How to Go From Guilt and Fear to Facilitating Change
In this video, the speaker examines how well‑meaning actions toward loved ones struggling with addiction often stem from the helper’s own unmet needs and end up enabling the disease. She outlines the many ways people "prop" addicts—providing housing, money, covering up problems, lying, and smoothing over crises—and explains how these behaviors create false feelings of control, increase anxiety, and generate long‑term resentment. The core concept introduced is the "cost of doing business with addiction," a framework for measuring emotional, financial, and relational expenses incurred by enabling. The speaker advocates moving from enabling to deliberately allowing or creating "unmanageability"—setting boundaries that let the addict experience the natural consequences of their behavior. She offers a step‑by‑step method: identify the most draining enabling habit, stop it, and gradually expand the practice. Neurochemical explanations are provided, linking over‑parenting and low serotonin to continued substance use, and describing how dopamine receptors are hijacked in addiction, with a timeline for brain recovery (2‑week low‑dopamine phase, 30‑45‑day receptor down‑regulation). Practical tools such as refusing money, using sobriety monitoring (Soberlink), and encouraging alternative dopamine‑producing activities (hobbies, social connection) are suggested. The latter part of the video features live Q&A where viewers ask about relapse detection, setting communication limits with estranged partners, and distinguishing genuine recovery from placating behavior. The speaker emphasizes consistent boundaries, trusting the process, and avoiding “detox is treatment” myths. The overall message is that by stopping enabling and tolerating a degree of unmanageability, helpers can flatten their emotional roller‑coaster, preserve their own wellbeing, and increase the chance of the addict confronting their own recovery.
Chapters
In today's video, we are going to look at how our actions with our loved ones are typically fueled by our own needs, and then we're going to evaluate whether these needs are actually getting met and/or are they contributing to the overall problem being fixed. We're often guilty of propping up our loved ones, and this is out of fear and this is out of anxiety. We do this in the following ways, and I'm going to read because I have a lot to say today and I don't want to leave anything out, but The ways that we do this propping are, are many, but they include providing housing, fixing problems, helping avoid problems, smoothing over problems, lying, covering for them, smoothing the way, acting like it's all okay, and just ignoring the problem in general. Giving them money to make their lives possible, letting them work for us. So we see this a lot with Spouses working together and the one that's addicted is really dragging down, but the other one does all the work. Or parents who have a kid working for them and who's not showing up or doing anything, but we keep hiring them or keep letting them work. And then letting them live with us despite not working or contributing. What this actually does to us, you guys, is it actually propagates anxiety because we worry that they won't change. We worry that this isn't enough. We worry about what we're doing and what outcome it's going to have. It gives us a a very false sense of, of control, responsibility, and, and safety. And then that makes us more anxious cuz now we're responsible for this other person's life. It builds resentment long-term. It builds resentment, causes family issues. Other children don't like it when we're doing that. Spouses don't, just don't agree. Causes family issues for us. It makes us angry and taken advantage of, and it uses so much of our emotional energy and time that it just begins to— we, we lose ourselves. And that's sort of what we to look at today is reclaiming ourselves because addiction is like lava and it will just take and take and take. It'll take our loved one. It'll take our time, our money, our emotional resources. It'll take our lives if we give it to it. It'll take our marriage. So I really want to look at what we're doing and what the ROI on that is, if you will. Because ultimately what I prefer is to Allow some unmanageability. It's very hard to do. I totally get that, and more for some people than others. If you're very socially subtyped, you're going to really struggle with that. If you're very self-pres, you're not going to struggle with it as much. But it's still very hard to do because we think it's really helping our anxiety and our situation to do it. But in the end, it's not. The first step to that is decide what we are the most. Sick and tired of doing, most sick and tired of, and start there. Just pick one thing and stop doing that one thing. As you master that, you'll get more and more skilled at it, and you can go in and let some other unmanageability happen if you need to. You've got to be able to evaluate your needs and the cost of doing business with addiction. And that's a phrase I don't ever think I've said before or heard before, but as I was thinking about this last night, I'm like, That's exactly what this is. The emotional cost, the financial cost of doing business with addiction will take your job. It'll take everything. So you have to decide how much are you willing to give it, or how much are you willing to let it take? You have to evaluate what it is. What is it that I need and what am I doing to get that need met? And is it actually working? If I'm terrified that my child Will deal drugs, so I'm going to give him money for drugs. We are not solving addiction. We are not getting anybody to see that this is not a good thing, but we are just frustrating ourselves. We are building resentment, and we are enabling the disease. So our our need to avoid is costing us. So that's where I'm going with this today. So figure out if there's something you can do. And see what else you can stop doing after that. You have to know that until we are sick and tired of being sick and tired, and really mean it, addiction will thrive. When we stop and we change the way we're interacting with addiction, it might stop the addiction. There's zero guarantee on this, but until we do, there's no possibility. So I think that's the biggest thing to do is recognize that as long as I am letting this creating this manageability and building this life and taking care of the problems and funding it or whatever I'm doing. There's zero chance that my child is gonna have an epiphany, or my spouse is gonna have an epiphany and say, you know what, this isn't very wise. Like, I should stop this. They're not. So sometimes you have to— I say this a lot— you have to kind of go into this, I love this person so much that I'm gonna tolerate what I'm getting ready to create in the hopes that this may lead to some level of sobriety. Otherwise, if I can't tolerate creating or allowing unmanageability, then I'm just feeding it. And I think that's a really big thing to get your head around, but it is key to moving out of this phase. It'll take us, it'll take our kid, it'll take our other children, it'll take our marriage. So think about that. There are— and when we overlove like that, which is what I call it, overparenting, overloving, is If you think about it from a chemical standpoint, when we overparent or overlove, the other person's narrative is, I'm only functioning, or this is only happening because they're making it happen. And that is erosive of serotonin. And you guys know serotonin is one of the keys to overcoming addiction. If you don't have enough serotonin in your brain, which is a long-term pleasure chemical for pride, And if you're living at home alone, you're not doing a good job at work, but you're still getting paid. If you're taking money, if you're doing all the things we talked about at the very beginning, you don't have any pride. And so that guarantees chemically that addiction lives, because if the brain doesn't have enough of those long-term pleasure chemicals below the line, it will keep going above the line to get the dopamine that comes with drugs and alcohol. It has to, because our brain has to have these chemicals. So if we don't have the good kind, which addiction makes sure we don't have, Then we will go get it. So again, it's the we're feeding the disease by by allowing these some of these things and not creating some unmanageability. It feels counterintuitive. I totally get it, but it is the way to to try to shift the boat. If we don't, we're not going to shift it at all. So the benefits to us by allowing unmanageability or creating it, whichever is the situation, creating would be you can no longer live here. That's creating unmanageability. Allowing it is to lie for their boss. Or I had a client the other day that said a really good phrase. She said, I feel like I'm constantly putting a satin pillow in front of him so that nothing— he doesn't get hurt and nothing matters. And she didn't mean literally, but she meant like emotionally. And by lying to his boss, things like that, she's satin pillowing it. So other ways to create would be, Not give them any more money. Allowing would be you don't go fix the problem at school. You don't allow— you don't lie to the boss. You don't seek the boss out. You don't initiate a call. But if he says, why is he not at work? You don't say, oh, he has the flu. You say, he doesn't feel well. You'll have to talk to him about that. It's again, like, that's allowing. And there is a difference. The same result, but sometimes it's easier to start with allowing it. Versus creating it. But you, I promise you, if you do this, you will, you will see some results. You will see some shifting and it will feel better to you and you'll do more and more and more of it. I think the first thing I did was stop going to the school to meet with how to get him to do his work. I was like, you know, I'm just going to let that happen because it's costing me emotional, just causing me distress and it's costing me time from my job. So the other benefits that we can get from this are it changes our relationship with addiction in general, which really does help us get back into that learning and planning phase. We can look at addiction differently rather than that reeling phase, which is just incredibly fear-based and anxiety-provoked. And it's just like, we're just like this hamster on the wheel. This will change it back up into a more cognitive function, which is very helpful. It will decrease fighting. Because you're not micromanaging. You need to get up and go to work. Don't you have a meeting? It's time to go to school. I've calling the lawyer. Like, it's just going to decrease all that. Most importantly, though, is this flattens our emotional roller coaster. And let's be real. You guys all know this. You're on this call. You're living on an emotional roller coaster. These huge highs and these huge lows. And there's this. Oh, maybe he's done. Nope, he's not. Maybe this time it'll be the. No, he's not. So. Anything we can do to flatten that out is the secret for us. Less pain, less anxiety, less fear. And the whole point of allowing unmanageability is that it does flatten your roller coaster. It doesn't feel like it's going to. I understand that you're like, no, I'll be so stressed out about where is he or what's he going to do. You will be less stressed out than if it's in your home constantly and the lying and all the things that go on with addiction are happening Over and over and over and over, right there in your face. It will flatten it out. It's not gonna—it's not gonna flatten it, but it's gonna flatten it out. Okay? You're never gonna live with addiction without some level of distress, whether that's sadness or fear or anxiety or anger. I talked to a woman today whose husband is a severe alcoholic, and she's doing it all like so many of you guys are—you know—rearing the children, working. Covering for him at work, going to school herself, like doing it all. And she just said, "I'm just livid all the time," and that's just not a way to live. That's a that's a bad emotional roller coaster, especially for this woman. Like she's trying to take care of three little kids, not being angry, and it's really like she's like, "I'm just done at the end of the day." Like I have to go to bed at like seven because I'm so tired. So. I think this is a really big topic. I think it warrants a lot of thought. And like, are your— is what you're doing helping the situation or you, or is it just helping the addiction? I think that's sort of your big decision-making thing. Is it helping the addiction or is it helping me? If you decide to allow some unmanageability or create it, trust it. Okay. Believe in it. Don't second-guess yourself and don't let them talk you out of it by saying, well, I'll go to detox, or, and then calling that treatment. Okay. Detox is not treatment. Or by promising to change, like, don't do that. I'll change. Like, this will be the last day. Like, don't kick me out. Just go with it. Trust it. Because otherwise you're going to capitulate and then we're back to square zero. We read this book. I don't know the name of it years ago for the business. And it was talking about when you're changing and change is difficult. Big change is hard. I understand that. But this book used the metaphor of if you're in a sailboat, and I don't know any of the sailboat words, but if you're in a sailboat and you're going to turn, you have to tack or do something. But what happens is the boat gets very, very, very, very close to the water. And then, and what happens with a lot of inexperienced sailors is as they get in close to the water, they're thinking, oh, holy moly, I'm going to be soaking wet or we're going to go over. And so they pull on the lines or whatever they do to stop that, and then the boat just goes right back to where it was going. So we didn't make any change. The book was talking about, and we've learned this in this business, like there have been many times we're like, oh, we gotta, we gotta change course, but not Amber. She sticks with it and she's like, sailboat, sailboat. So you may feel like, oh, this is going bad. This is not a good idea. This is Hold, hold. You will see some change, and then your boat will right, and then you'll go in a different direction. So remember that this is not going to be easy. This is not going to be comfortable. No one's going to like it. But at the end of the day, you'll feel better. We have a fighting chance with addiction, and you will have much more emotional energy left for yourself and other things in life that are important. All right, so I put a link in for the membership where we talk about this if that's interesting, or make an appointment with one of us, or if you want our course Beyond Boundaries. I also put a link in it. I was interviewed on a podcast that got dropped last weekend, so I haven't watched it yet because I just haven't had time, but I thought it might be fun, so I'll put the link in. Okay, let's see if we have any questions, and feel free to ask questions about this topic. Or something else. All right, this is from Carl. My wife moved out five months ago and went no contact. I found it a month ago. She relapsed. She's just contacted me and wants to take it slowly with weekly fifteen-minute phone calls. Well, Carl, do you want to do that? Would be my first question. He wants to know any advice. Um, I also would like to know what she's done. About her addiction since the relapse, and what her goal is in. Okay, yes is the answer. What her goal is in these fifteen-minute phone calls? If you if you do want to do it, which you're answering yes, then I think it's a great way to start. If they go south or they don't productive, then you can put them on pause, or they could go well and you could grow them. But I would kind of want to know what her goal is in that. Is she trying to talk you into giving her something, letting her come back home, funding something, or is she humble and willing and just trying to, to do the right thing and, and stay in contact with you? Um, this from Aisha: How do I know he relapsed or not after 6 months after 90-day rehab? He doesn't drug test and he has money and he can hide it very well. Oh yeah, that's addiction for you. Um, typically you will know if you really watch the behaviors. Are you seeing lying? Are you seeing unreliability? Are you seeing, um, victim thinking? Are you having little fight picks? Those behaviors or isolating, no longer interested in things that we're interested in. No longer want to sit down and watch a movie with you. A change in pattern would be, I guess, my fundamentally overall answer. But those 4 things I looked at, like unreliability, lying, isolation, those are signs of addiction. You don't really need to drug test. You just need to watch for those signs. Okay, Carl. She has not mentioned drinking to me yet other than she is doing it. She wants to feel that she can make it on her own. She was unemployed for 2 years. If again, if the if the phone calls are if there's if she's sober and they're productive or enjoyable, then do them. If she's calling you because she's drunk or she's trying to prove to you that she's making it on her own, like then I don't know that they're going to be good for you. I think you're just gonna have to decide how do I feel about these calls and then decide whether to continue them or not continue them. I would at least have one. Unless you're just furious with her and are like, no, I don't want to. But I would try one and see how it feels to you. I'm a big believer of give things a whirl, and if it feels good, is fun, enjoyable, or beneficial, do it again. If it's not, don't. I don't believe in acquired taste. Was that the last one? Oh, we'll give them a minute. Wow. Okay. All right. So remember, is what I'm doing helping me or actually feeding addiction? And that's— it takes a lot of practice to look at that, but it is a huge thing to do and will help the situation overall if you can get a handle on that and change. All right, guys. We'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye bye. Oh, Dale! Wait, I'm staying. I'm staying. Dale said, "I feel my wife is just pretending to recover to keep me in the house." Online apps. What does that mean? Um, well, I do think there's a lot of pretending in addiction. There's a lot of promises. There's a lot of what I call box checking. There's a lot of kicking the can down the road. Like, I'll show you this nice little piece of me. I've got a client I was talking to last week and her husband is on— she's on the edge of leaving him and now he's love bombing her, but he's still drinking. So they will change their behavior when they think you're about to get done. So I don't— just look, is this placating? Is this action or is this words? Um, I wouldn't respond to it per se. Like, I wouldn't accuse her of just pretending. I would just know it and decide, how do you want to handle it? Do you want to continue with what— why? I mean, I guess I don't even know why. Um, I guess she's trying to keep you from leaving. But if you think she's just placating, pretending, like, then just leave. And if she isn't, then You won't feel like that, would be my guess. So bear in mind that they do lie. Words do not mean anything in addiction. Promises mean nothing in addiction. You're looking for actions and you're looking for behavioral changes, like what we just talked about, like for positive patterns, for interaction, for humility, for willingness, for joy, for being— living life without alcohol and having fun. Um, so he says, so bringing up her drinking might be something I can do down the road because I require her to be sober before she moves back in. Okay, good. Yeah. So I would be thinking like, how will that look? Will it be a sober link? Um, would it be alcohol testing? Um, and then you can, as you're getting there, you can sort of put those out in the conversations of like, this is what it's going to require for me to let you come back in is Not the lick and the promise of I'm not drinking, but my actual knowledge that you're not drinking. And sort of get a feel for how does she respond to that? Is there a lot of pushback? Then you know she's not ready to come back. If there's a lot of, or even a little bit of a, well, that's not something I want to do, but okay, that's a positive response. And then do they actually do it? Do they sign up for it? Do they motivate it? Do they turn it on and get it going again? You want her to have it, have been on the Soberlink if that's the condition you're gonna put out before she comes home. Not, I'm gonna do it after I get home. All right. That's important. What are some other ways to address the dopamine need? Well, normally we get dopamine from anything that comes with desire. So typically for all humans, it's food, liquid when we're thirsty. For me, it's when someone says let's order pizza because I really love pizza. My husband doesn't eat it. It's new shoes, dress, a movie, a visit with a friend, painting. It's whatever your brain wants to do is how you're going to get dopamine. Like you can get dopamine from a million things. Like some people get it from gardening. I do not. Some people get it from driving. Some people get it from music. Like you can get it, but The secret to, in my opinion, for recovery is to start to bring these things in as you are not drinking, because otherwise you don't have a source for dopamine and your brain's going to go right back to the drinking. So I have a client now that we're like, before he was really working on sobriety, like, let's sign up for a woodworking class. Like, let's get some of the things that you like to do going so that as you give it up, You've got a source for it, and then it takes a minute for your brain to recognize that that source is actually a good source because it's really been trained that the only thing is drugs or alcohol. So anything that brings desire to us is what delivers dopamine. The problem is with addiction is they have—I'm making these numbers up—they have a thousand dopamine receptors in their brain when normally we should only have ten, and so. A cheeseburger, a new dress, a visit from your friend is gonna fill those 10, right? But it's not gonna fill 1,000. And so that's the problem with addiction. That's that term pleasure pathway gets hijacked, is that there's just too many dopamine receptors in the brain to be filled by sober life. And so that's why it takes time for those receptors to go to sleep, for the brain to get better and better and better. Starts at 30 to 45 days after not using anything at all. The brain will start to put some of those receptors to sleep, and after two weeks of not using, the brain will start making dopamine again because during active addiction, it's like we got a math problem going on in this brain. We do not need any more dopamine to slow this roll because we got we already have way too much coming in. So you got that two-week window where they're pretty they don't feel well physically or emotionally because they don't have much dopamine in their brain. That kicks in at 2 weeks. In 30 to 45 days, the brain starts to put those receptors to sleep. And so that's when you see, like, at 60 days, they start to say, I actually feel much better because my brain's making a normal amount of dopamine and I'm shrinking those receptors pretty exponentially quickly at the beginning. And so I feel less cravy, jumpy, irritable because I'm getting enough of them filled that I can function. That's a good question. Uh, Leslie, seems like spending money is one of the ways he's replacing the alcohol. The bigger the ticket item, the more. Yes. So so shopping is an addiction, and it brings you dopamine just exactly like alcohol does. Um, all addictions come from dopamine or endorphins. Endorphins those addictions would be self harming and anorexia. The rest of them all get dopamine. So that would be my guess. Is he just trying to fill those dopamine receptors? In a more socially acceptable way, or even a way that you wouldn't squawk about as much. It's super common with addiction for them to swap one thing for the other because of that. It's just the brain. It's just the brain. You're welcome. All right, guys. Thanks for the extra questions at the end, and I think it'll be me again next week. The other two are out next week, but. Maybe not. Maybe someone will join me. But anyway, have a great week and I'll see you next week. All right. Bye-bye.
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