A short, practical YouTube talk by Amber Hollingsworth (Apr 4, 2018) advising family/friends how to get a loved one into addiction treatment. Core claims: there is no bad reason to get someone into treatment; people typically enter treatment to avoid consequences rather than purely intrinsic desire; use one of three engagement strategies — leverage (avoid bad consequences), side-door (address stress/anxiety or other less-stigmatized complaints), or the "we're in this together" approach — and avoid shaming, instead build confidence and offer alliance to reduce denial.
Chapters
Getting your loved one to go to treatment. Okay, I've said this in, like, 15 other videos, and I'll probably say it in 15 more, but there's no bad reason to go to treatment. So any reason you can get them to go is a good reason. If it's because they're avoiding going to jail, great reason. If it's because they're avoiding losing their kids, great reason. Guess what? Let me tell you a secret. No one gets sober because they don't want to drink or use drugs anymore. Everyone who's ever got sober gets sober because they want to avoid some kind of consequence of their drugging or drinking. So even people that tell you, like, I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, there's some truth in that. But ultimately what happened is they eventually got to a rock and a hard place, and they had to make one decision over another, probably because they didn't want to avoid something terrible happening to them. Sometimes they'll totally, like, glorify it to you. People that are in recovery for a long time, and they try to make it, like, yeah, I just decided I was done. Mm. Mm. Trust me, I'm on the front lines, and everyone does it leveraged somehow. So don't buy into this belief of they have to want it for themselves. Like, that ain't gonna happen. If they do, then they're probably not addicted. Okay? So no one wants to get sober, okay? So they're gonna choose to get sober better than the alternative, which is usually some kind of bad consequence. So don't worry if your person's going into treatment or deciding initially that they're doing this for some. For the girlfriend. I don't care if it's for the girlfriend, like, as long as they're gonna do it. In the other videos, I talk about that. The key to it is how long they stay in treatment and all that kind of stuff. So the thing that gets them in the door is just the thing that gets them in the door, and whatever works, works. So if they're facing some kind of big consequence, like, help them avoid that consequence by saying, hey, let's get you out of that. If we get you in treatment, I think we can avoid that. That's what I do with my clients all the time. Like, hey, let's do this. You got dui. Let's do this and this and this. We're gonna put you on the sober link. We're preview having drank a drop since it happened. And then when you go to court, it's gonna look really Good. And we're gonna get you out of this trouble. Totally good reason, like use whatever you got. If they're not facing any kind of big consequence right now, but you need to get them into, in the door, into counseling, into something and you haven't been able to, then do what I call the side door approach. So don't come at them and say you're a total drug addict, you need to get some help for your drug problem. Don't do that. Makes people defensive. They pretty much don't like that. Plus they think you're crazy. They don't have a drug problem. They have a wife problem or a mom problem. So they don't think they have a drug problem probably. Or if they do, it ain't that bad or something like that. So come at them through the side door. Don't say you need to get some help for your drinking or your drugs. Say something that they do feel like they have a problem with. Because if they have a drug problem, they then they're going to be stressed out about something, okay? Something ain't going right like their boyfriend or their girlfriend left them or they're super stressed or not doing as good at work or something. They're going to be complaining about anxiety or sleep problems. They're going to have some complaints of some sort. Use those complaints to say, hey, you know, you're so stressed, you've got a lot of pressure on you right now, why don't you go talk to so and so. They're like super good with stress management. Okay? As long as the person that you're getting them into knows the deal, knows what they're dealing with and can help get them around to that eventually. That's still an okay reason. And a lot of times people are just a lot more likely to come in and deal with something not the drug and alcohol problem because people just feel like super defensive about that. Most people don't feel all that defensive about talking about stress or anxiety or maybe they're depressed or some other problem going on because that's pretty much the norm. Like everyone talks about that and people don't necessarily feel judged for that. So there might be a lot more open minded for coming in about that issue. So that's one way to approach it. The other way to approach it, we teach families this a lot when they call us is to say, instead of saying, hey, you got a problem, you need to go talk to someone, say, hey, I know we've been arguing a lot lately, you know, I don't know, I Just want to fix this. You know, maybe it's me, maybe it's you. It's probably both of us. Let's both go talk to someone. So you're not pointing the finger straight at them. You're saying, hey, I know it's like, us, we got a problem because we've been arguing. Because they'll probably agree to that. They got a problem. The fact they've been arguing with you and you're saying, hey, you know, this is partly me too. Let's go, you know, figure out what to do together. Because like I said, then they're going to feel like you're taking some ownership or whatever the problem between you guys have been, and they're gonna feel less defensive. And that's another thing that will get them in through the door. So the three options would be leverage. So them deciding they don't want some kind of really awful thing to happen to them. And you say, okay, let's like get you out of it. Let's take you to treatment. Great. You using the side door approach, which is like, maybe you should talk somebody about that stress. And, you know, I know you're drinking a lot, but it's probably just because you're so stressed at work. Like, talk to somebody about that word stress, side door approach, or the let's do this together approach. And hey, let's, you know, we're in this together. You know, maybe it's not you, maybe it's me. Let's just talk to someone. Maybe they can help us sort through this. So the we're in this together approach can work. The key is, is trying not to come at them directly. Trying to be an ally of sorts, even if it's there, trying to avoid a consequence. You're going to be their ally, and if you can go into this as their teammate, it's going to go so much smoother. Because the key to getting someone out of denial is help them feel someone safe enough to see the truth. Remember, denial is a defense mechanism and its defense mechanisms are there to protect us. And so they're there for a reason. It's something that our ego can't see without shattering us. So. But your husband drinks too much. It's like really hard to say, like, I'm an alcoholic and maybe I'm a bad dad and stuff like that. So you have to like. It's kind of the opposite, I guess, of what people think. People think I have to, like, tear you down and build you back up. Like with me, with my clients, I almost have to like build you up enough that you can admit you have this problem and still feel okay enough about yourself to address it. So it's almost like I have to like get you to like a self esteem point or a confidence point enough to be able to say, yeah, I got this problem. But you know what, Like, I'm still a good dad dad or I'm still a good kid or I'm still really smart and I can pull this together. And you know, I'm not the only one that ever had this problem. So it's not about making them feel terrible enough that they'll go get treatment. That really doesn't work. All it makes them do is like hate you or hate themselves. Either way, it's probably not going to result in them like deciding to do better. It's about being their ally, joining forces with them. I don't mean enabling them, I don't mean lying to them. I just mean be their teammate, be a helping person. Help them see that they're worth it. Help them see their good qualities and that even if they have this problem, they're still not a bad person and we can still get this problem under control. You've got to get them sort of built up enough or even if that's what you do, just get them in the door and then that's what I'll do with them or whoever will do with them when they get there. That's my method for it. I really don't believe in this. Tear you down. If I can make you see what a low down, sorry, crummy person you're being, you'll stop doing it. Because that's not the way it works. Addiction is fueled by shame. And so if you're shaming and guilting them, it's probably going to make them use more. So let's get a new technique. Side door leverage or team. Those are the three I know that work the best. Try one of those.
