How To Help An Addict Or Alcoholic - (5 Things You Must Know!)

If you have an addict or an alcoholic in your life and you really want to help, this is the video for you. So stay tuned because I'm going to give you the five most important big major categories of things that you really must master if you want to be effective in helping an addict or an alcoholic. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can help your loved one and get your life back on track. Alright, let's get into our topic. So in today's video, I'm going to give you the big sort of high level, broad view, the five really big categories. You really, really, really got to know and master these things if you want to be effective. Now, some of the videos that I do, we really get down to like a granular level. Like we talk about, have this conversation, say these words, and those are really important. But sometimes in recovery they say, you know, keep it simple or back to the basics. That's what this video is. So let's take a look at the big five categories. Number one is get honest with yourself about what you're dealing with. You know, sometimes families can be in worse denial than the person with the drug or alcohol problem. Now, that denial can be on different kinds of levels. I guess you would say sometimes that denial is in like, well, I don't really think they're addicted. Or sometimes you may know that they're addicted, but you may think, well, you know, okay, they got a problem, but I'm gonna send them to see this counselor and it's gonna be all done. So you may be in denial about what it's gonna take to fix the problem. So in order to be effective, you've got to get really clear on what's happening and what you're dealing with. And which means you need to understand how addicts and alcoholics think, how they operate, how they manipulate, what they really need on the inside, you know, because sometimes what they say and do on the outside isn't going to match, or I shouldn't say sometimes, I say most all the time, it isn't going to match what they say or what they think and feel on the inside. And we have a ton of videos that sort of talk about that. So I think the place to start if you're new to all this, is to take a look at the videos in the playlist called How Addicts and Alcoholics Manipulate. Because Once you begin to really see what's happening and how they're interacting with you, and you're like, oh, that's that. Oh, my gosh, they've been doing that to me forever. It doesn't work anymore. And now, immediately, once you do that, then you have gained some control over the situation immediately. Because if you know when they're lying to you and when they're manipulating you and all that kind of stuff, it doesn't work on you anymore. And so now once you've done that, you have, at least almost immediately, you've stopped contributing to the problem. Even if you were contributing to it before, but you didn't realize it, you won't be anymore. So be real with yourself about what you're dealing with. The next thing on the list is understanding the sort of biology and the psychology of it. So one is like, does my family member? Does my loved one have a problem? How bad is that problem? What's it gonna take to fix it? And then the second one is, what does that mean? You know, what is addiction? So getting some clarity on what that is, you know, do you think it's a disease? Do you think it's a moral failure? Do you think it's a character defect? Well, the thing of it is, it's all of those things. And so once you really begin to wrap your head around what it is, it's kind of like you hear that saying, like, know that enemy. You need to know that enemy inside and out. And addiction is a whole different universe. And the biggest problem that most people have is they're still trying to play by the normal universal laws. Let me give you an example. Like, most families are still trying to think, oh, if I tell them that if they keep doing this, then X, y or Z consequences gonna happen, they'll stop. Well, that's normal universal laws, you know, that's like gravity. And I know you're using that because that would make sense. Like, well, no one would, like, give up their car. No one would give up their family for drugs and alcohol. But you are not living in that universe anymore. You have been transported to a whole different planet. And the faster you can realize that, the faster you can sort of understand what's happening, what you're dealing with, the faster you're going to get back in control, which is going to make you so much more effective, effective at helping your loved one. And not only that, it's gonna make you feel better, so much better, because you're gonna stop feeling overwhelmed and out of control. At least Reduce the feeling of overwhelmed and out of control a whole lot. Alright. Number three is learn to differentiate. Hey Alan, thank you, thanks for watching. Number three is learn to differentiate between what I call sort of your side of the street and their side of the street. So in counseling we call that boundaries. In recovery they call it your side street and their side of the street. And that is one of the most complicated things. I think probably of all the topics and videos I have on this channel, I have more videos on boundaries than any other topic. Because it's difficult. And the reason it's difficult is because like I said, you're not working the normal universe anymore. It's all different. And so understanding what your territory and what's theirs is so important. Earlier today I got off of the phone with a call I had from a parent and the parent was saying, well, I'm going to make them kind of counseling. If they don't, then, you know, they work for our company, we're going to fire them from the job. And I was like, wait a second, wait a second. Like, did they do a good job? Like would you keep them if they were a regular employee? I was like, you can't. If they're a bad employee and you wouldn't keep them if they were regular employee, fire them from the job. But make the work about the work and the family about the family. You see what I mean by their territory and yours. You got to get clarity on that. And so boundaries, I cannot emphasize to you how important that is. And it's not something that you're gonna watch one video and get down pat. It is something that I have to think consciously about and make decisions about and brainstor with my treatment team about on an ongoing basis, even as the counselor, because it's difficult. And you know, as counselor, we want to help too. You know, we want to figure out how much to help and how much not to and how much to push and all that kind of stuff. And so navigating those boundaries, their side of the street and yours is complicated. And so the more you can understand the philosophy behind it, you've watched those videos and I give you like so many specific examples and do this and don't do that and that kind of thing, once you watch that enough and you really begin to sort of grab a hold of it, you'll start to understand the philosophy of it and you'll be able to apply that philosophy across the board to different situations. You just, in the beginning you just need to know like, you know, do this and don't do this. But eventually you're like, okay, I got it. Like, I know how this works. I have the framework. And then it gets a lot easier from there. Number four is don't allow the person with the addiction, the addict, alcoholic, don't allow them to put you in any of the really unhealthy roles. Now, a lot of times I'll say don't allow them to put you in the bad guy role, which is totally true, but there's actually more than the bad guy role. And so that's just the one that is really common is because they make you feel like it's your fault. They make you feel like you're crazy. They turn everything on you. Eventually you start trying to catch them and power struggle with them and argue with them. And that puts you in the bad guy role. We call that the persecutor role is like the official word for that. But that's not the only unhealthy role. You can also get put into the rescuer role, which is they constantly have a problem and you feel like they just aren't capable of fixing it themselves. And you're constantly bailing them out of it. Well, the thing of it is, they're never going to be capable until you let them be capable. And so the rescuer role is just as unhealthy as the bad guy roll. It's like the good cop role. And then the other role that you can get stuck in is the victim role. These are all roles that we talk about in our video on the drama triangle, which where we talk about these roles in, like, much more detail. But the victim role is where you're letting them treat you terribly. You're letting them run all over you, you're letting them take advantage of you. Ultimately, you're a victim of them, and then you're resentful and you're angry, and that resentment and anger is going to lead you into the bad cop role. And so you're just. Most of the time when you have an addicted loved one, you're just circling around one of those three unhealthy roles and gaining control back of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and making strategic decisions about how to respond to different situations. And is the key here. And these are the pieces to do in that. Now, those first four are really sort of those big categories of, like, courses. Like, if you had to take courses in school, you'd have to take a course on boundaries, a course on addiction. A course, you know, there's a course on addiction. It's Kind of like what the biology and psychology of the problem. And then there would be this other course I would call the course on the addict, which is like what you're going to deal with them. That would be like all the manipulation and hiding and secrets and splitting and all that kind of stuff that they going to do. You need a course on that and then like eight courses on boundaries. I don't know, like a whole lot, a whole curriculum on that. And then. Then you would kind of want to move into some of the more refined nitty gritty, as I call it earlier in the video. You know, how do I have this conversation? How do I word things? How do I ask questions in a way that's going to lead a person more toward wanting change versus ask questions or say things in a way that's going to get someone to put their walls up or be defensive or just be focused on being upset with me or feeling sorry for themselves? Those are sort of the more almost like clinical things that I teach. It's about literally the conversations that you have, what you say and what you don't say and how you say it and what you do next after you say that and you get your answer. And you can find a lot of that right here on the YouTube channel. There's several videos that have been released lately that talk specifically about that. Like the one on reflective listening. There's just several, and there's a couple of coming out really soon too, that kind of come right in on that topic. If you want to go even deeper than that, then you can consider becoming a member of our family recovery academy, where I really get down to teaching you. Like, this is what counselors do. This is how we ask the questions. And in that program, I teach you something called the craft method, which is statistically the most successful method of intervening with an addict or an alcoholic or an addicted loved one. You know, how do I get them to get help? How do I get them to start to at least acknowledge they have a problem and move towards change? We teach that in there. We also teach motivational interviewing, which is a specialized technique that addiction specialists sometimes get. And that is particularly helpful in dealing with someone that's in denial and getting them to move through those stages of change. And actually, I'm pretty excited. I was working on the final touches of editing a video today where I actually got to record a session with a young man who gave me permission. He knew that I was going to record it. It wasn't like a planned or rehearsed or scripted session. It was a real session, but he knew I was going to record it for the course where you get to see the whole thing in process. So that's the first one of those I got to put in there. I'm pretty excited about it because, you know, it's one thing for me to tell you about it, say this, do this, if they say this or you do this. But you're gonna get to see that. And that is gonna be in the family recovery academy, hopefully by this weekend, because it's almost done. It's getting the final edit. So I'm excited about putting that in there. And if you want even more specific, you're like, amber, you just don't even know. Like, I'm gonna need more in a video. Like, I'm gonna need you to walk me through this situation. Then you can always schedule a consult with one of our special. We have parent specialists. We have a specialist that deals specifically with spouses. And if you want to know, you know, what do I do about this? This is how old they are. This is their personality, all that kind of stuff. We can help walk you through that. But if you can start with those basics, which you can get right now, doesn't cost you anything. Start digging through those videos, and, you know, you may have to watch them more than once. There are some YouTube people that I follow that I learned things from, and I literally watch their videos sometimes over and over, because I'm like, mayface wash again. Like, it's gonna, like, absorb into my subconscious, and I'm really gonna get it. You know, it's kind of like levels of getting it on a deeper and deeper level. Thank you guys for hanging out with me today. I appreciate it. I will be on here next Thursday, live at 1, and you can actually ask questions and interact with me on these lives if you want to. Hey, thanks. My name's Mud. Thank you. I don't think I've seen you up there for. Thanks for checking us out and watching us. And we also release new videos every Tuesday, so I'll see you then. Bye, everybody.