How to Help an Addict Without Enabling 🔴

Hello, everybody, and thank you for joining our livestream. We have a great topic for you right in time for the holiday season. Some of you know that I am in a couple of family support groups. I'm in a couple on Reddit, and I'm in a couple on Facebook. And the other day, I was interacting in this Facebook support group for parents, and this woman came on and she was asking about. She was saying something about wanting to buy Christmas gifts for her young adult daughter who was in active addiction, but who was living out on the street. And she was asking advice from other people in the group and, oh, my gosh, like, you would not believe the kind of like, almost like, arguments that this question started, because people had all kinds of different viewpoints on this issue. Some people were saying if you. If you buy her gifts, then you're enabling her and you're gonna kill her. And just really, like, super, like, don't do it. And then other people, like, you do what you want. You're the mom. And so there was just. And this thread of discussion just went on and on and on. And then people started arguing with each other. And I was like, what? Whoa. Like, apparently this is a hot topic that's confusing a lot of people, causing a lot of distress. And I know with the holidays coming up that this might be something that you're struggling with, too. So in this video, I'm going to give you the do's and don'ts of gift giving to someone who is either in active addiction or in early recovery. Because I know that's another question. You know, if you have a loved one or child or spouse in early recovery, you know, how safe is it to give them money? How safe is it to give them gifts and all that kind of stuff? So we're gonna talk about that, and I'm gonna give you, like, a little formula or framework from which to think about that so you can answer that question and you can put in sort of the data and information from your family to make decisions about that for yourself. Okay? So for those of you who are new to us, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you are watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping families understand the psychology of addiction so that they can recover their loved ones from this. From this mega problem. I don't even know what I want to call it from this whole giant, evil, terrible issue and get their life back on track. So I think with this topic, I want to go ahead and start with the don'ts. You know, how sometimes it's easier to identify what not to do. Well, I think a pretty clear and obvious don't is don't give your loved one, if they're an active addiction, a giant wad of cash. That seems pretty obvious, right? You're like, amber, we didn't need you for that. But just in case it wasn't clear, let's go ahead and put that out there. Now, you may be thinking, and a lot of people are thinking, well, give them gift cards or gift cards to, like, restaurants or gas cars or things like that. And a lot of people do that because they feel like, well, that's safer than giving them cash. Just so you know, the don'ts list here I have. Don't think that just because it's not cash that they're not going to use it or just because it's not even like a valuable thing that they can't use it to turn into cash, because they absolutely can. There is a huge market that will buy gift cards and gas cards. I mean, they pay you a lot less than what it's worth. But you. It's super easy for people to get cash for those kind of things. And you may be thinking, well, what if you just buy them some groceries? Well, guess what? I have seen on numerous occasions, people that will actually take groceries back to the grocery store that their parent gave them or whoever and turn that in and get cash. So I guess what I'm saying is don't think that you can control it by trying to outsmart the system. Don't get in your head and think like, well, if I do it this way or this way, they won't be able to get cash. That's just gonna make you crazy. And those of you who are familiar with this channel and have watched some of my videos, you know, that firmly believe you cannot control addiction externally. You can't control it by running off all those friends. You can't control it by trying to, you know, give certain things and not give certain things. All of that just absolutely does not work. Now, I do believe that you can influence someone towards recovery, but that's done a whole lot more in how you interact with them than it is in some of those other environmental things that you might be caught up in trying to control. And it's that trying to control that makes you feel so out of control, so powerless, so overwhelmed, so sad. And I know that during the holiday times, particularly many of you, if you have a loved one, a close loved one, struggling with this, this is going to be a tough time for you. It's going to break your heart because seeing all of the Facebook posts and the Christmas cars you get of all these other families that look perfect and you're maybe worried about your K who's out on the street, it is tough. You're either gonna have a really sad thought in reaction to that or you might even have a really angry thought in reaction to that. It might just tick you off that everybody else's family or life seems to be going well and you know, you're scared to death about what's gonna happen to your kid or what did happen to your kid. So I know that the holidays can be particularly triggering and that's why I really want to give you a lot of information so you can make some strategic, objective decisions instead of just emotional or irrational decisions. Alright, let's move into the do's. I'm gonna make this really simple for you. I am not a big believer that you absolutely cannot help them in any way. You know what I think you're not gonna make or break addiction with 20 bucks. So I could care less if you give them 20 bucks. Like it's not gonna make somebody go over the edge or make someone stop using. Now I hear this a you give them the 20 bucks and that's the 20 bucks that kills them. Well, let me tell you something, it's not that likely. And addiction killed them, not your $20. So don't get caught in this shame, guilt, anger, trap of just trying to figure all that out. When you give a gift to an addicted loved one or someone in early recovery, you might want to think about gift giving a little bit opposite of what you would normally think. So normally you think about gift giving about the other person. Well, sometimes if you're a family member, particularly if you're a parent, then you want to help your child and everything inside of you wants to give them something or get them something. Or maybe it's just socks to keep their feet warm, or maybe it's food so you know that they're fed. Guess what? That's okay. And you know what, you might be making that decision for you. So the do here is to include yourself in the decision making framework about what to do and not do. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about what they're gonna do with whatever you give them. Okay? Like you can't control that, you can't outsmart that, you can't think of more things than they can think of and you're just gonna overwhelm yourself trying to do so. So just Skip it. And don't make yourself crazy about that. You don't need anything else to deal with. Do think about what is your need. You know what? You count too. And I think so many times the family's needs and feelings just get completely discounted in this whole process. Whether you're in Al Anon or you're in, you know, you've been through treatment program or you're seeing a counselor. Sometimes, you know, even I've been guilty of doing this. We can get caught up in telling you what to do or not do. That's best for the addictive person. I do. Of course, that's part of the equation, but you're part of it too. And if your heart needs to know that your baby's got, you know, socks on their feet and food in their belly on Christmas, then do it. That's what I'm gonna say. I know a lot of people might tell you otherwise. If they're already on the street or if they're already that bad or if they're in jail, guess what? Consequences isn't making that better. So by not doing that, what you're really thinking is you're thinking, well, I can't make it better for them. I gotta let their consequences be. And. And then maybe they'll get better. Clearly that's not working if they're that bad off. So if you're totally stressing yourself out about it, stop. Stop worrying about it. I mean, obviously, you know, I do encourage people, like a lot of the people we deal with maybe have like trust funds or big inheritances or something coming. And I'll say, you know what? Let's do something about that, because that really could kill someone. But you going and giving your kid a gas card or some, you know, cards to get fast food or chick fil a or whatever, it's not going to kill your kid. And it might make you feel better. So if you need to do it to enjoy your Christmas to feel better about what's going on, then guess what? I'm okay with that. A lot of you may disagree with me and you may get mad and you may hate me, but come on, the family's feelings count too. And I am just not of the belief that consequences cure addiction. So this whole idea of this whole, like, be the bad guy, be tough, like, don't show them love, like, cut them off. Like, not just financially, but people will tell you to cut them off emotionally. Sometimes you have to do that. Sometimes you absolutely have to cut them off financial and emotionally for your own well being. But don't be doing those things because you think it's gonna fix them. If you need to do that for you, you do it for you. If you're in the mad stage and you're like, heck no, they don't stole everything I got. I'm not giving them nothing. Give them nothing. All I'm telling you is count your feelings in the equation. And there's one, there's one last thing in here that I want you to sort of put into this formula of decision making. Excuse me. I want you, if it's, if it's your child or if it's your spouse, then I want you to take into the account the feelings of the other people that are really close and involved in this. So for example, if this is your kid and you're trying to make this decision and you're like, no, I'm not giving them nothing, but your spouse is heartbroken and they're super stressed out and they really want to, then the most important thing is to be in alignment with your spouse. So it's better to make a wrong decision. It's better to make a wrong decision as long as you're united than it is if you make a split decision. So that's the other thing that needs to come into consideration. If this is, let's say it's your spouse that's having trouble and your kids are involved and they're heartbroken and they don't know why you can't give daddy or mommy something, then it's okay. You are not enabling by doing those little small things that may make you feel better or your kids feel better or your spouse feel better because it's your Christmas too. So those are my thoughts on this year. I hope it helps you. I would absolutely love to hear from you. If you have any experience with this, if you're a family member and you've been through this and you've done it and you've got some advice for us on don't do this because that was terrible, or do do this because that was great. Or especially if you're someone in recovery and you've been on the other side of this, tell us what your thoughts are about. When your family gave you things, what did you do with it? Did you exploit the issue? Did you take advantage of it? Did you sell your gas car and go get drugs? It's okay, you can tell us because like I said, we're not going to try to control it from that arena. I mean, obviously we're not going to go give you a thousand bucks. Like, don't do that. That's crazy. You know, I think a mom I heard of recently, she went, got her kid who was living on the street, and, you know, she went and saw him and stayed with him in a hotel room for a couple days. Okay. You know, other people are going to tell you you're enabling, but guess what? Your feelings matter, too. And like I said, living on the street, he's already been living on the street, and that's not making him get clean. So thinking if you let him live on the street longer, that's gonna do it. Maybe. But it's obviously clearly not working right now, so it's time to try something different. Thank you guys so much for joining me. I enjoy being with you guys every week. And next Thursday at the same time, noon Eastern time, we're gonna talk about just how far should you let them fall? So it's that sort of when do you intervene and when do you stand that balance between the two? Which is a very difficult subject, but I'm going to give you a similar kind of formula to figure that out for yourself in your situation.