How To Help An Addicted Loved One, (when they're easily defensive)

Now I truly believe that positive reinforcement combined with positive, healthy boundaries is the key to motivating someone to get clean and sober. But lately I've been getting a lot of questions about what do you do if positive reinforcement isn't working? And that's what we're going to cover in today's video. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and you're watching Put the Shovel Down, a YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track and get back to living the life that you want to live. I always try to put things in the description of the video that are additional resources that you may find helpful. Okay, so back to our question. What do you do if positive reinforcement isn't working? I think the best way to cover that is I want to cover three reasons why it may not be working for you as effectively as you want it to, and some workarounds, how to remedy that problem. The first reason is because you're very overtly connecting the positive reinforcement to the substance use behavior. Like, for example, if you're saying something like, wow, I like you so much better when you're clean and sober, or, wow, you're really doing great staying clean and sober. If you're always sort of taking this positive piece, but shining a light on the negative piece, it can come across as kind of offensive. It's kind of like when someone gives you one of those, like, I call it like a backwards compliment, like, wow, you look so much better, you've lost so much weight. It's kind of a compliment. But then you kind of feel like, well, I guess I looked terrible before or something, you know? So if you think that's what's going on in your situation, then what you want to do is just give the positive reinforcement part. You don't even have to bring the comparison piece in there. You don't even have to directly relate it to being sober, to comparing, to when they were addicted or anything like that. Just put the positive reinforcement in there. And secondly, they can draw that conclusion for themselves. You don't have to point that out. And like I said, it's like you're trying to hit this positive button, but when you're doing it that way, you're hitting the positive button and the negative button at the same time. It kind of cancels out. So it's not always the best way to go about it. Issue number two that you could be having if this whole positive reinforcement thing doesn't seem to be working. You guys have asked me before, you know, what if they get angry when you positively reinforce? What if it just doesn't work? Problem area number two for positive reinforcement is you could be coming on a little too strong. It means you could be being, like, overly positive, like overly cheerleader Y. You know that weird feeling when someone's giving you a compliment or they give you like a lot of compliments and it just feels like kind of embarrassing or overdone or just cringy? You can definitely overdo positive feedback. You have to balance it in with being real and genuine, because if you don't do that, it doesn't even feel sincere. So while I give a lot of positive feedback to my clients in my sessions and groups, and that helps the person know that I'm being truthful with them when I give those other pieces of feedback, I don't do it in this super negative, awful, like, direct confrontation kind of way. I'll just be real with them. Now. The third reason that your loved one might not be responding so well to positive feedback is that you just haven't build enough trust in your relationship. You've got to build that foundational relationship before the things you do are going to be effective. And yes, positive reinforcement is a part of building that foundation. But there are a few more pieces than that. If I've previously had like a not so great relationship with someone and I've been angry with them recently or judgmental or critical or something like that, and then I come in with the positive reinforcement, it's going to get like, hit the wall, the shield and bounce back off. That's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, it could start a fight. What you may have to do here in this situation is you may have to go back and address the negative. Because if not, it's like you got this big crap pile right here that's really stinky, and you're just trying to, like, put some rose petals on the top. Not going to work. Right? So in order to do that, you may have to go back and acknowledge that you haven't always responded the way you wished you would have. That does not mean that you have to go back and take responsibility for their decisions or that you have to blame yourself or that you have to say you're the only one at fault. But what you may have to do is you may have to say something like, you know what? In the past, I know I've been kind of reactive about this, or I've been negative and critical. But I want you to know I'm really trying to do better. And I think just by acknowledging those past things, it's going to help that person's wall come down because they're going to know that you get it and that's going to make you seem like a safer person to your loved one. Would also like it if you acknowledged your relapse too. I know that seems kind of strange, but we all mess it up sometimes. It's okay. It's okay to go back and mend fences because when you do that, you're showing that you're paying attention, that you are self aware, that you understand what you bring to the situation. And bonus, you're modeling humility and willingness and openness. And when you do that, chances that they'll do that go way up. Positive reinforcement plus good healthy boundaries. That's the key to motivating someone to getting clean, sober and into recovery. So up next, I've got my playlist here for you, specifically on how to have healthy boundaries with an addicted loved one.