How to Help Yourself When You Have An ADDICTED LOVED ONE

I know if you've got an addicted loved one that you're probably walking around on a daily basis feeling lousy with a ton of negative emotions. Fear, anger, all kind of bad stuff. Which is why in today's video, I'm going to teach you how to let go of those emotions. But I'm going to warn you before we get started on that, we are going to go deep today. So bear with me. Make sure you watch this whole video because by the end of it, you're going to have a systematic way of being able to control your feelings throughout the day. And that same methodology is also going to increase the chances that your loved one or the person that you care about is going to get better. And lastly, you're going to have an opportunity to help somebody else. And lastly, you're going to have the opportunity to help somebody else achieve the very same thing. Okay, so the idea for this video came from one of our viewers this week. She said that she wrote to me and messaged me and she said, you know, I'm really having a super hard time just letting go of these negative emotions. Could you make a video on that? And my first thought was, gosh, I don't know. And I had to really dig deep and think about that and do some sort of soul searching inside of me about what is the best method for doing that. And so I've come up with a systematic way to. For you, or at least a systematic way of being able to explain to you how to go through that process. The first thing that you want to do is identify exactly what negative emotion is it that's bothering you at any given moment that you'd like to let go of. And you can have a ton of emotions at one time, but a lot of times there's this sort of. There's a, there's a. My son might call it, there's a Big Mama one. There's the main focus, one that may feel like it's overwhelming you or controlling you at any given moment. Once you identify what that thought is, I want you to try to. Or that feeling is, I want you to try to trace that back to what is the underlying fear causing that feeling. Because the feelings that you're having, they're probably maybe anger, resentment. You might be scared of something happening. You might be feeling guilty, you might be feeling shameful, you might be feeling desperate, you might be feeling hopeless. What is it that's underneath that feeling? What is it that your brain is trying to protect you from? Because remember, feelings are just little Chemical messengers from your brain that's trying to protect you, but trying to send you these sort of messages. I guess you would say figure out what that message is, because if it's a negative message, it's probably some kind of warning message of some sort. And so maybe if you can acknowledge that warning. Okay, my brain is trying to warn me of this, then you can say, okay, brain, I got it. You can stop, you know, can turn the alarm off now. I'm aware. So once you become aware of what that negative feeling is that you want to let go of. Oh, wait, sidebar. Let me tell you this. If you're going through this process as a family and there's someone else involved with you, I'm not talking about necessarily your addicted loved one. I'm talking about someone else in the family who also cares about this person who's addicted, then you're probably going to be having different feelings at different moments. Because really, you're actually both going through the grief stages. The grief process. You've heard of those, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, those stages. And then lastly is acceptance. But it's. But it's pretty much going to be. You're not going to line up on them. And so then you're probably having other feelings and frustrations about where the other people are at, and they may be feeling frustrated with you, which may be compounding the issue. So having a little empathy and understanding of where the other people are at with it and what they're experiencing and knowing that tomorrow you could feel like that too, because usually maybe somebody's scared and somebody's angry, and then the next day that flip flops. So have a little tolerance and empathy for the other people who are around you that are. That are also going through this grief process. All right, back on track. Once you've got those negative emotions identified, the next thing I want you to do is hold on. I got my little list here. I want you to identify what you would like to replace that emotion with. What is it that would be a better feeling to have? Would that be hope? Would that be courage? Would that be. I wrote a bunch on my list here because it's hard to think and talk at the same time. Would that be. You'd rather you want to feel serenity? You want to feel more loving towards someone? So maybe you have been feeling angry, but you wish you felt more loving towards someone. Would you like to feel more. And I know this is more of a thought than a feeling, but is respect. What you're looking for is dignity. What you're looking for, identify what it is that you want instead of that negative thing that you really want to let go of. Because we're going to figure out how to replace those things now. Now here's a little tidbit of information about how I think I'm kind of a believer in the whole, like manifest your destiny sort of things. This whole idea that sort of, if you can picture it, if you can believe it, you can sort of program yourself in some ways create things in your life. So I know that's a little bit woo woo, but hang with me because I'm going to teach you how to maybe use some of those techniques to help you let go of those negative feelings that you really are sick of having. And I think you got the message already and it's time to let go of that. Okay, so once you've identified the feeling that you do want to have, here's a little saying about manifestation that I've heard recently that I really like. The saying is, we don't get what we want, we get who we are. Or I've said it wrong. We don't attract what it is that we want, we attract what it is that we are. So most people, when they think about manifesting their destiny, they think about sort of imagining what this thing out here is that they want. And that's a little bit part of it. But you've got to go a step further. Imagine how you would feel if you had that thing. So take a second. Maybe for you, that looks like, what would it feel like to be on the other side of this addiction with your loved one? To watch your loved one graduate from a drug or treatment program, to sort of be in your loved one's life when they've gotten on the other side of it and they've become the best version of themselves. What is that feeling that you have attached to that? What would you feel like? Would you feel proud? Would you feel respectful? Would you feel joy? Would you feel courageous? What is that? What's that feeling that you want? Because ultimately it's never a thing that we want. It's a feeling that we want. So once you can grab a hold of that, bring it right in here. Now what I want you to do is I want you to become that feeling. And you're like, okay, like, what does that mean, become that feeling? I want you to act as if you already had that. Because like I said earlier, we attract what we are, not what we want. In fact, when we stay in a wanting state, what we're doing is we're telling our brain that we're lacking something now, which puts us in a bit of a desperation state. And then we just attract more desperation because we're coming at something through a feeling, fear based lens. And that fear is what's going to cause you to engage in all those behaviors that in all my videos I'm trying to get you to let go of. You know, like controlling, nagging, preaching, checking, making home contracts, all of those things that I'm always trying to get you guys to stop doing that's being driven by the fear. So you're going to have to replace that with that other emotion and act as if. So I want you to interact with your loved one if they were better, or at least as if you knew they were going to get on the other side of it. Let me give you a little small example. So last night I come home from work and I said to my son, he's eight, I said, you know, how was your day? And he's like, not so good. I said, not so good? Why not? He's like, well, I made another bad grade. He's in the second grade, he's not the best at spelling. Must have got that after me. Anyways, so he says, I made another bad grade. It's my fifth F now. Not an F on a report card, but like on a spelling test is usually what it is. And so I said, oh, you did? Let me see. And so he showed it to me and you know, I can interact with him in such a way. And honestly, I've had this impulse and I have done this before, so I know as a parent you've done this, I've done this. But my first impulse is to say, well, no more electronics and you need to be studying and blah blah, blah, blah. And I caught myself going down that pathway just a little bit. And then I thought to myself, nope. I said, what? I just put my arm around. I was like, oh man, that's no good. But you know what? I know you're gonna do better next time. So I'm interacting with him in a way and I'm telling him he's going to do better next time. Because in the same way that I'm teaching you how to manifest what you want, you can subliminally program the other person if you will treat the other person with respect and love. Now that doesn't mean, that does not mean let them run over you because you got to treat yourself with respect. But if you will interact with them in a way that wasn't so fear based. That is when they're more likely to make that change. And you can do a lot of things to cultivate that, to influence that, to pull that motivation out of them, and even to sort of subliminally put a little seed in. Now when you do this, you put these little subliminal seeds in there. I think it's probably best to do it in most incidences, pretty casual. Like, so if you could imagine this metaphor, like you were just sort of walking around your neighborhood, just having a little stroll, and you had some seeds in your pocket and you just casually took one of those seeds out and dropped it onto the ground. And you didn't make a big fuss about it, and you just kept walking. But the next day you're walking around your neighborhood, but you had your water bottle, you just dripped a little water on that seed when you walked by. You didn't, you didn't make big deal about, you just dripped a little water on it. That's kind of the way I want you to think about. And so let's just say you do that consistently for a while, that seed's gonna grow into something. And so if you want to implant these ideas in someone's head, like you can say things like, when you get on the other side of this, or when you get that job you've been wanting or whatever it is, I want you to talk to them as if it's happening now, or if it's just like right there, so close you can see it, like, oh, yeah, it's gonna be great when this happens. They don't realize it, but you're implanting that seed of information inside of them and that starts to work on them. And if you nurture that, that's another one of those ways which you can start to change their behavior. And that's gonna help you feel more powerful and in control. And like you're doing something about this problem which is going to help you let go of all that fear and those other negative emotions that you're having. And I know your brain is trying to defend you right now. And your brain is telling you something along the lines of that's bs, that one doesn't know what she's talking about. What if she's wrong? Okay, let's take a look at that. What if I'm wrong? Is it gonna make it worse? What I tell you is not gonna make it worse. So you can be sure of that and is it might make it better? Yeah, there's a real good chance that it might make it better. So if your brain's trying to sort of shut down this thought, or if your brain is trying to tell you something like that won't work with them, or this. This situation doesn't work for me or whatever, you can shut that down because I'm telling you it does. I'm telling you this is what I do in my office every day. You pay me a pretty good amount of money to do it, and so must work somehow. And so implanting that idea in someone's head is so much better. And so the next key to this, I think we are on number three here, is to identify the limiting beliefs. And that's a little bit of what we were talking about just now, is this whole, like, that immediate thought that comes in your head that could stop you from getting what you want. Because let's say you feel like you're trying to manifest your destiny, but you're getting stuck, and it's not working for you. If that's happening, it's because subconsciously you've got some kind of belief in there that is stopping you. And so you might be like, what beliefs? What are you talking about? Let me give you some examples of them. And once I start saying some of them, you'll be like, oh, I get it. I know what you're talking about. Like, deep down inside, you may feel like, I've got a list. I have to look at it here. You may feel like you may be telling yourself statements like, I can't do this, I can't it. Those are definitely blocking beliefs. If you're telling yourself that, then that will be the truth. Let's look at another one. There's nothing you can do to help someone else. If that's a belief of value that you have, and probably other people have told that to you, and it's being reinforced from the outside. Let's look at the truth of that. Is that true? If you've watched enough of my videos, then you should have a subliminal message by now that that's not even true. There's a lot of things you can do to influence situations. If you really didn't, if you really believe that, why would you take your loved one to a counselor? If you really, really think, like, there's nothing you can do to help someone else, it's just that you think, well, maybe this other person can help them. They have the magic trick. Well, if a counselor has a magic trick, if a sponsor has a magic trick, then that means that there's a magic trick and it can be found and it can be used. So you're going to confront these limiting values or belief that you're having, probably even on a subconscious level that could be stopping you from really sort of getting what it is that you want. And what it is that you want, remember, is a feeling, it's never a thing. You want to feel secure, you want to feel safe, you want to feel happiness. Remember this is about manifesting a state of mind or a feeling. You might be telling yourself they'll never get it or you might be telling yourself they're way too far gone off the deep end, they're never going to come back. If you're telling yourself that thought, then what I want you to do after this video is I want you to go over to the playlist I have about stories in recovery. I want you to watch some of those stories and if you want one that's really going to make sure you change this belief, watch Lucas's story. Because when you listen to his story, number one, it's long. And the reason it's a long video is because it was a long story. I mean, he was in treatment like a bunch of times and you would have thought he's never gonna get it, but he did. And when you see who he is right now, I would literally trust Lucas with my own kids life, I would trust Lucas with anything I had. He is such a great guy. And if you listen to his story, you might have thought, oh, he's one of those, he's just not gonna get it. Well, he did get it. So that whole idea, they're too far gone, it's too late, they're not gonna get it. If they're alive, it's not too far gone. Alright, so next they don't care about anything but themselves. So you could be telling yourself some kind of statement of there's no use, they're just totally selfish and as long as they act that way, you know I'm just going to be miserable. You could be telling yourself, well, my situation is hopeless because we can't afford any kind of good treatment, so there's nothing that I can do anyway. You know what? Most people with substance use disorders get better all on their own with nothing at all. And so you don't have to have really expensive treatment. Yes, it's nice and sometimes that can help your situation, but it's not a have to. So you could be blocking your own ability to be hopeful and see something else. And the problem with blocking that is impacts the way that you interact with the situation, which impacts the outcome of the situation. I know I told you we're going deep, so hang with me here. You may be telling yourself, well, they're not willing. You may be telling yourself, no one cares. You may be telling yourself, well, I just don't even understand all this. If you're telling yourself that, then you need to watch more of these videos because you'll understand it better than you wish you did. You may be telling yourself, people are judging you because you have a child that's addicted or a spouse that's addicted. Find out what it is that's blocking you because that's keeping you stuck. So remember, this is about identifying this negative emotion that you don't want anymore, the positive emotions that you do want. And what could be standing in the way of you getting those positive emotions. So the next step after you do all that is going to be to surround yourself with things that bring that emotion out in you. If it's people, if it's books, podcasts, YouTube videos, movies, whatever that is that brings out that emotion, surround yourself with that. And that will help to continue to cultivate that emotion inside of you. So it'll help to sort of keep water in that seed inside of you that you want to continue to happen. Because you are going to take on the energy of what you put in your life. You're going to feel like the people that you put yourself around. So make strategic decisions about that. You actually steal and take a little piece of whatever it is that you put. You know, the energy from a book, the energy from a stage speaker or seminar that you go to, the energy from your friends or your family. So be strategic about who you put there, because that just automatically rubs off on you, almost just like some kind of, like, magic force field. But I'm telling you, it works. And you know, it works if you think about it, because you know, there's certain people that you're around that just bring you down. Certain situations that you walk into that you're just like, oh, my gosh, I dread this. It's because there's a lot of negative energy there. So to help yourself keep yourself in that state, surround yourself with all the things that you know that help you keep that going. Number 5 here is when you have a negative thought, creep in those bad emotions, which your emotions are connected to thought. So if you're having a negative feeling that you don't want, it's probably because you're having a negative thought that you don't want. So when Those thoughts start creeping in. Confront it, catch it, and push it right out of the way. And so you're gonna have those. And you may feel like, well, you can't help it. You can't help that thought that jumps in there. But you can decide whether or not you're going to nurture that. And that's exactly what I tell my clients about cravings. I'm like, sh. Sure the idea is going to creep in your head that you want to dream. You can't control the first thought, but you can control the second one and the third one and the fourth one. You can decide you're just not going down that realm. And this may be one of the times that you want to take one of those positive influences and put it back. And then lastly, take action. That's going to help you feel more empowered about the situation. That action could be trying to do something to influence and motivate your loved one. Maybe it's a time right now where you can't do anything about that. Maybe you're separated from them, you don't have contact with them. Maybe they're passed away. Maybe that piece of it isn't quite there. But there is an action step that you can take. Because remember, the goal is never really a thing or a situation to have to happen. The goal is a feeling. So take the action steps to get you towards feeling what it is that you want to feel and embody that. Show that to the world. If you want to feel like your loved one respects you, be respectful in your interaction with them. If you want to feel positive, act positively. You will get back what you put out there. I think on some level, we all kind of know this. So it's time to get sort of purposefully, mindfully, that's a big counseling word, which I don't really use a lot, but strategically, that's a word I use a lot. In control of that, so that you can control the way that you feel. Like I said, you'll feel yourself slipping back. But when you do, grab a hold of that, and if you can't seem to get yourself back on track, then find out what it is that's sucking you into that vortex. You know, is it one of those negative thoughts? Is it an underlying belief that the situation can't be fixed or that you'll never feel differently? Confront that, and what you're going to find is most the time with those beliefs and thoughts, they're just not true. Sometimes they're a little true. It's not that they're like a bold face lie. There's a little truth, but more not truth than truth. And so once you take a look at that, doesn't it hold you hostage anymore? Alright, guys, hopefully you feel more in control of your emotions. In fact, I know you feel more in control of your emotions and you're like, wow, that's kind of easy. I should have thought about that before. You really have the power and the ability to do this anytime. And there's a lot more techniques to this that you can add into your arsenal skills. And I will be coming out with some new videos on that and teaching it to you coming soon. Alright, see you next time.