How to Love an Addict Without Enabling | Non-negotiable Boundaries

Hello and welcome. Today we are going to be talking about how to love an addict without enabling them or allowing them to run all over you. And yes, if you were just watching a second ago, this is take two of this video. I just did this for you when I was outside and then realized when I went to check it that the wind was horrible and the sound was terrible. So I'm going to do it for you again because this video feel like it's really important because we're going to talk about the lines in the sand, the boundaries that you shouldn't flex on at all. These are the lines in the sand, as in do not enter. That's where it is. This is the stop sign. Because most people that know me know or if you've watched many of my videos, you know that like my number one rule is have as few rules as possible. The reason is, is because I like to leave it in my ball, like in my sort of court to make a game time decision. And when you make a bunch of whole concrete rules and home contracts and crazy things like that, you don't leave yourself the freedom and the power to do that. But there are a few rules that I feel like you should have. In fact, today I'm going to tell you 10, I got a whole list of them for you right here that I don't feel like you should break or flex on. A couple of these you might feel like are obvious when you hear me say them. But I want you to stop and think, I bet you've been putting up with this. I bet you done let it happen. Because when you live in chaos every day, you forget that it's not normal, it's not okay. And sometimes you just even need me to hear, you need to hear me say like, hey, not okay. Let me know in the chat or the comments if that's the case. If I say something and you're like, oh yeah, like she's right, I shouldn't be letting that happen. I know it just becomes your regular and then you don't even think about it. So today we're gonna think about it. Don't let these things happen. Number one, don't let someone abuse you. I know you think I shouldn't have to say that, but I'm saying it because especially when you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic, someone with a substance abuse problem, it's like you think, well, they were intoxicated, they didn't mean it. They wouldn't have done that if they weren't, you know, messed Up. That is probably true. But if you've got someone who's getting messed up on a regular basis and treating you crummy, it doesn't matter. It's not okay to be emotionally abusive to you. Physically abusive to you, nothing. It is not okay. So don't allow that. Put a boundary. Protect yourself. This isn't about trying to control them. This is about where the line in the sand is. This is where you cannot cross. If you want to hear more about that in detail, I released a video, two videos, actually, a few weeks ago, about dealing with abuse. One's about emotional abuse, one's about physical abuse. If you haven't watched those, check those out, because it sort of spells out what things fall in that category. Because I know you probably think you know what, you know what abuse is, but sometimes you forget because it's just happening so often. Number two, stealing. You see, I think stealing is one of those things that fall into the category of abuse now. Okay? Like, I know if you've had a kid, maybe they talk $5 out of your wallet one time, okay? That's, you know, something. Ground them, whatever. I'm talking about. When someone is, like, taking things from you to the point that you feel like you can't sleep at night, you have to sleep with your wallet under your pillow. You've got stuff locked up in the trunk. You're hiding things all the time. If you're living like that, it means you're being held hostage in your own home. And it is not okay. To me, that's a form of abuse. Would you let anyone else stay with you who was abusing you like that? I don't think so. So stealing falls in that category. Don't keep letting that happen. You shouldn't have to live in a house where you can't just leave your purse on the kitchen counter. Come on. Number three, don't let emotional blackmail keep happening to you. And if you don't know what that is, it's like when someone, they know you care about them so much that you don't want something really bad to happen to them. And they use that care and concern to basically force you into doing things they want you to do that you don't want to do. Like, for example, if you don't give me the money, then I guess I'll have to go out on the street and prostitute myself and I'll probably get killed. And I guess that'll be on you. Seriously, that's emotional abuse. If someone says, if you don't do this I'm going to kill myself. That is emotional abuse. We're going to come back to suicidal threats. But that's still emotional abuse. When they're trying to. If they're saying if you don't, then this not cool, dude, that's blackmail, don't do it. You know, and so they're using that care and concern against you and they're holding you hostage. And in my mind, that is completely out of bounds. And here is why. You really, really should not let that happen. Because if you cave into it one time, it, you can guarantee it's gonna keep happening to you. It's like letting a two year old get by with a tantrum. Like because they wanted something in the target, like you might have been gonna, you know, if it's me, it's been like, oh, I was gonna get that for you, but you don't throw fit. So now I definitely can't get that for you because you validated a really out of bounds behavior. Don't let someone hold you hostage with emotional blackmail. Number four is suicidal threats. Now here's my rule on that. Never take it lightly. Even if you think that it's just an emotional blackmail and that they don't mean it. The reason why, there's two reasons why you never take it lightly. Don't just say, oh, they're just drunk or whatever, they don't mean it or something like that to yourself. Because number one, it's just, it's just not a judgment call that you want to be wrong on. Even as a counselor, even if I think, you know, I don't really think they're gonna do it, but if that's what they're telling me, I'm gonna take that serious. And I want you to as well. I've got a whole video on this when I jump off here, I'll link it for you in the description. But you don't, you want to not just sort of brush that off for two reasons. One, they could mean it and you need to keep them safe. And I'll put the video up here to tell you what to do if that happens. But two, even if you, they're just sort of emotionally blackmailing you with it, you still don't want to just brush it off. You want to take action and take that serious in a way. And they're gonna know, oh, that didn't get me what I wanted. That just got me a whole big headache and a hassle of having to deal with some mental health professionals. And so if it is emotional blackmail, Then they'll stop doing it because it's not effective. So if someone's threatening suicide, take it seriously, call the authorities, get them seen and checked about, because you're covering your base either way. Number five, do not let the person with the addiction, the add alcoholic, split you against other people that are involved in the situation, like other family members or friends or something like that. Because some of you have probably seen my video on splitting. So you may know this a little deeper level. But addicts and alcoholics, that's what addiction does is it keeps everybody pit against everybody else. It keeps my mom pit against my wife, it keeps mom pit against dad, it keeps siblings mad at parents. And as long as that's happening, addiction will continue. Because as long as that's happening, everyone else around that person is going to be totally tied up in being upset with the other people involved in the situation. And it's like a distraction technique that throws everybody off course from the real problem, which is this big addiction. Living right in your house is not okay. So they'll know what your buttons are. They know if you know, like you don't like your mother in law. They know if you are mad at dad because X, Y or Z. They know that. You know if it's a teenager or college kids, a lot of times if there's other kids in the house, they'll pit those kids against the parents because they'll be like the other kids, maybe they're younger, they'll think, well, mom, dad are being mean to him and that's not fair. Do not let yourself fall into that splitting. Don't do it. Number six, don't try to like physically force a situation. And most of the time when it comes with like addiction, what that really basically means is like, don't stand in front of the door if they're like, screw you, I'm leaving. Don't try to wrestle their cell phone out of their hands. Don't try to like beat them and like take the tequila bottle. Don't physically try to intervene on that. It's not safe for you. It's just sucked you down into a level of craziness. And so don't do that. You know, if it's you trying to take a cell phone and it's your kid, go online, turn that thing off. Like it's pretty easy. Just say done because you're paying the bill. You know, if it's a situation, like you're worried because someone's intoxicated and they're about to leave and go get in the car and they're telling you, you know, you've said, you know, don't think you should drive or I'll drive. You've said all that kind of stuff and they're just intent on doing it. And you know, then call the cops when they leave. Say, this is the license number. This is the road we live on. Like, I'm really worried. They are not safe to be on the road. But don't stand and block the door. That is going to escalate on you really quickly because you're either going to be dealing with someone's intoxicated who's not going to be rational and things are going to get ugly or worse, you're going to be standing between an alcoholic and their drugs. And let me tell you what, that's not going to go down well. That's is gonna get ugly fast. Don't do it. Number seven. This one's interesting. You probably didn't expect this one. Don't try to force the other people in the family to forgive the addict or alcoholic or give them another chance. Let me tell you where I see this most often. Most of the time it is families usually like a mom or dad trying to convince the siblings to forgive the sibling that, you know, the brother or sister that has the addiction, or it's a parent that's had an addiction or has an addiction and the other parent is trying to make the kids forgive, forget, you know, let go of all the things that mom or dad did when they were like messed up. And the reason why you don't want to do this is because it doesn't really work and it causes the person to be even more resentment and be even angrier at the person. So maybe this person's in recovery now and they are doing better and you really do want them to be able to mend those relationships. I hear you on that. And a lot of times I feel the same way because I'm usually one seeing the person with addiction, I'm usually like on their side and I really want them to make it work, but it's really for them to fix it is part of the natural consequences of everything that happened. If you've watched any of my videos, you know, do not intervene on the natural consequences, which is they burned a bridge. Like, let them mend those fences. You don't try to force it because most of the time when that happens and someone is like really dug in and doesn't want to forgive the person. It's not even because that person, like stole from Them. It's not even because that person did something bad to them. You know why it is? It's because that person hurt someone else they really care about. Like, a lot of times, if it's a kid that won't forgive a parent, it's like they've watched that parent be mean or abusive to the other parent or to other kids in the house. And you know how fierce that is. You know, it's like, oh, you don't mess with my people. That's strong. And so they're not ready to be over that very easily. And you have to give them their time to do that. So the other time I see it really often is with siblings where one child has an addiction and the other another one of the kids or all the other kids are really mad at that brother or sister. And that is because they've watched that kid totally ruin the family's life, Totally consumed the parents. They've watched it make the parents fight. They've just seen it cause so much chaos that it's really hard for them to let go. There's a video on my channel about making amends where I interviewed a couple of my friends in recovery, and both of them talk about, in their story about amends that they both had a sister that literally took them three years after they were cleaning this over to forgive them because of exactly what I'm telling you now. Don't give permission for your child to use drugs in your house. Blatantly. This one's a little complicated and gray. If you know that they're using and you know you can't stop it, you're not ready to throw them out. Okay, fine. I'm fine with that. Even if you know what's going on up there right now, but you're not ready to deal with it. Okay, but don't do this, because sometimes when parents are faced with that, they'll, like, say, I know they're gonna do it anyway. I can't stop them. So they'll say like, okay, fine, you can smoke weed, but smoke weed in the garage or out in the, you know, barn in the field or whatever. Don't do that, because once you open that gate, you can't shut it back. And I've seen a lot of parents, and once they do that, it's like, even if they bring that person to me, I can't hardly get under control because you've set the precedent to actually put your endorsement on it. So I'm not telling you have to wrestle them down. I'm not Telling you you have to go up there and pay police officer and absolutely make sure that they're not doing your house. If you're dealing with an addict, alcoholic, they're using it in your house. That's all there is to it. Don't lie to yourself, but don't just say, okay, fine, and then they're just using in front of you, or you're going out and, like, buying the weed or something. No, don't do that. This one's kind of funny. You ready for it? Don't use anything I say or another counselor says against your loved one. Because we see this happen in the office all the time. And I'm guessing that this happens out there. Maybe even people I've never even met. But they'll say their loved one. Well, Amber says that you shouldn't do that or that that's this or that's that. Come on. That doesn't. That's not effective. Like, no one wants to hear. So so and so says that doesn't work. So even if you know it, that's not a good way to introduce the concept. And another thing that happens a lot is, like, sometimes people will call me up and they'll say, hey, will you work with my loved one? Will you counsel them? Will you just talk to them one time for a coaching session? If you've done been telling them for months. Amber says this, and Amber says that. Amber says, you shouldn't been doing this. You done burnt my bridge with them. Like, I can't do anything with them because they see me as a bad guy. So don't. Just don't do that. And it's not effective. And Then here's number 10. This is the last one. Don't ignore your intuition, because your intuition is pretty much going to tell you, right? And when family members tell me something that they just know, I don't ignore their intuition. I believe them, even if they don't have evidence, because I know that you know now, even though I don't want you to ignore it, I want you to listen to it and know that it's telling you a truth. I also don't want you to necessarily immediately react to it. Because, yes, your intuition will tell you the truth, but it probably won't give you a very good solution on what to do about it. So I want you to take time before you make any decision about how you respond to a situation. Because remember, this channel is all about staying five steps ahead of addiction. So don't just immediately, like, confront someone or bombard them until you've thought about it and you've got a game plan on how to do it. Okay, Those are my 10. If you are having trouble with these boundaries or any other boundaries and you need further help, you should consider joining our Family Recovery Academy, where I sort of teach you step by step, in depth, like, exactly how to motivate someone towards recovery, how to get them from A to B to C to D. I mean, I really go through and teach you everything that I would do if they were sitting in my office, and I'll put a link to that in the description. Or if you want some individual help, you can schedule a phone consultation session with myself or any of my staff. We are all trained in mental health and addiction, and we all sort of work from the same playbook, so we would love to help you. Now, the next thing I want you to do, which is super easy and doesn't cost you a thing, is I want you to watch this next video. I'm going to link it up here for you as soon as I get off here about boundaries. Because boundaries is such a complicated topic. You. You really need to. Third, you need to get your master's degree in boundaries if you've got a loved one with an addiction. All right, thanks for hanging out with me, and I will catch you next.