How To Raise Kids That Can Overcome Absolutely Any Obstacle

No matter how hard you try, your kid is going to run into obstacles, difficulties, roadblocks. They're going to have their challenges. It doesn't matter how much money you have, resources, how many people you know, how many good schools you can send them to, whether or not you can give them a personal trainer. No matter how much you try, there are going to be problems and challenges, and that's okay. In fact, that's a good thing because that's how we build character. So knowing that your kid is creating competent, secure, resilient kids is the most important aspect of parenting. Easier said than done, right? The good news is it doesn't have to be perfect. In fact, once you understand these principles, you might feel a little less pressure to make everything perfect. And your kid might feel a little less pressure. So let's take a look at what are the five things that you need to focus on in order to raise children secure, confident, and resilient children. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is actually about the science and psychology of addiction. We help individuals and families get their lives back on track. Now, this topic is definitely relevant to addiction, but. But it's also relevant to any parent out there, or even grandparent. In fact, all these strategies I'm about to give you can actually work on anyone, whether they're your kid or a work partner or a friend or a spouse. This is how to help other people feel more confident, secure, and resilient. Now, as always, I've put the links for additional resources for you in the description, so don't forget to check that out. But let's get on to our topic. The first and probably most important thing you can do to help your child, or whoever it is, be confident, happy, healthy, secure, is to understand the value of the relationship that you have with them. Relationship is everything. Now, I'm not trying to tell you that you need to be your child's best friend, but what you do need to have with your child is a mutual sense of trust and respect. And that needs to go both ways. Not just my child should respect me because I'm the adult. In fact, if you have a respectful relationship that tends to go in both directions, the trust comes naturally. Let me give you a little side story to demonstrate what I'm saying. My very first job after graduating with my undergraduate degree was teaching. And not only was it teaching, but it was teaching high schoolers. And not only was it teaching high schoolers, but it was teaching high schoolers and one of those kind of like on the wrong side of the tracks school. And in fact there really was a set of railroad tracks that were pretty near the school. And I promise you, we were not on the right side of those tracks. And so I was just out of college, like 21. These kids were nearly as old as I am. And here I am in this classroom and all of a sudden I found myself having to manage four 90 minute classes a day of 30 plus high school students. Let me tell you what, that first year was rough. I mean, it was like power struggle city. I had no idea how to manage the classroom, which is really the important part of being a teacher. It's if you've got classroom management, you're really good at that. The learning part comes so much easier. And I was a newbie and I promise you, I was not very good. In fact, I got called bad words like the B word almost every day for the whole year. And looking back, I probably had it coming. And a little bit more about the school situation is the principal of the school at the time, he had this mission to help these kids graduate. And in fact, he was going to graduate these kids at all costs because he really was trying to do something for these usually underprivileged kids and make sure that they got through high school, which is great and wonderful and dreamy and all. But what that translates to was you really couldn't fail a kid and trying to send them out or suspend them or send them to the principal's office unless something really, really, really, really bad happened. It wasn't going to happen. In fact, if you sent them up to the principal's office, they would send them back to you. Now, if you can put all that in context, here you go. You got me as this newbie teacher with not great classroom management. You got these pretty hardcore teenagers and I had no real leverage over them. Eventually I did figure some things out. In fact, the things I figured out from being a schoolteacher are probably the most helpful things skills that I have as far as being a counselor. So while I would never go back to school teaching, that was really hard. I definitely don't regret my time there either because I learned so many valuable lessons. And the biggest lesson I learned is that you can't get someone else to do something because you're the boss or you're the authority. And biggest thing I learned from being a school teacher is actually how to get people to do the things I wanted them to do. I mean, Use your superpowers for the good people. I'm not talking about, you know, manipulating people into doing things for me. I just wanted them to do their work or behave. You know, simple stuff like that. And I quickly began to realize that I wasn't going to do that because I was the boss or I held all the power, or I was going to call their parents. If you called one of these parents, they just cuss you out. So I'm telling you that wasn't going to work. And eventually I figured out that the way to get these kids to do the right things was to build a positive relationship with them. And that truly is the key. Because, you see, when you like them, they usually like you back. And when they like you, they want to do things that you want them to do. They want to make you proud. And so that is the key underscore ingredient. To have an influence over your children or just over the people in your life, you have to have a relationship of mutual respect and trust. I'm telling you, it is the foundation. And without it, you are not going to get far. And if you try to do what I try to do, which was, I'm the boss of you, you better do what I say, or else it's just not going to work. You can occasionally force compliance, but you can't force them to develop the character you want them to develop and to really learn the lessons that you're trying to get them to learn without the relationship and trust. So anytime you are about to do battle with your kids, I realize that there are times you kind of have to go toe to toe and do some battle. I get it. You need to decide for yourself, is this battle worth chipping a notch away from our relationship? Right. So one of the biggest things I can tell you is don't fight over stupid stuff. Don't power struggle over minuscule things. Because every time you do that, it's like you're chipping away at the relationship. And that is the thing that you need. Especially when they get in middle school and high school, you want to be able to have that influence over them. Because the days of I can make you do what I want you to do are over by the time you get into the, like, fourth or fifth grade. So you better have some different skills. Of course, that doesn't mean you let them do everything they want to do. It's all about how you handle the situation. Number one, don't fight over things that are not important. And like, in my house, those things are usually like, safety Things. If it's a big safety issue, then I will probably go to toe to toe with you. And the other thing that I can kind of get hung up about is like manners and respectfulness. That's probably the other thing. But things that most parents get us out, I don't really get upset about. And I'll go more into that later. Which brings me to point number two. Focus your attention on the right things, not the wrong things. And you might be surprised about what I'm about to tell you about what the right things are. You see, as parents, we all have things that are important to us. Some parents really care about school. Some parents really care about health. Some parents really care if their kids are in athletics or in sports. Some other parents really care that their children develop into responsible, hardworking people. I mean, in fact, all parents care about all those things. But usually just based on our own experiences and our personalities, one or more of those things will make it to the top of our list. For me, I think the things that are top of my list as a parent are probably like manners and respectfulness first and then responsibility and hard work and then school and then sports if I had to line them up. However, focusing on those particular things are not really the right things to focus on at all. Decide what your values are as a parent. What is most important to you. Once you have that figured out, I want you to focus on the process of how to help your child move in that direction, not necessarily the results you see. If academics is your focus as a parent, that's cool, that's good. But if you focus on making sure that kid brings home good grades all the time and they don't get bad grades, you're going to put yourself in a position probably to have to damage your relationship with your kid. If academics is your focus as a parent, then focus on helping your kid love to learn things, right? And you're gonna get a kid who hates to learn as to force the good grade issue. So when your kid is learning something or even their, you know, these days, kids watch YouTube videos. My kid loves watching YouTube videos. Constantly watch YouTube videos. And he likes to learn stuff like, you guys seen those? I think it's like the bright side videos, there's always like teaching random facts and stuff. Loves to learn about Titanic. And what I do is I like to point out to him how much he loves to learn. Then he comes, tells me all boring facts and I listen to it and you know, pretend to be somewhat interested usually. But the fact is, is I'm nurturing that part of him and helping him see how much he actually loves to learn. If you'll focus on that more than the actual grade, then you're going to develop a lifelong learner. So like I said, put your attention towards the process, not the result. For example, if you want your kid to be a very healthy eater and you want them to have good nutrition because it helps their body and their brain work, that's a good value to have, right? Then help your kid notice the difference in the way that they feel when they eat a lot of sugar versus when they eat protein or whatever it is. Help them call their own attention to what it does to them and their body. Not focusing on exactly what they eat or forcing them to eat certain things, or not allowing them to eat other things. What you're doing when you focus on this process is you're helping them develop the desire to have healthy nutrition. And just like with the grades, if you focus too much on the food, you can actually end up getting the opposite response. I think you can apply this to sports and some of those other things that parents tend to value, which are all good things. Number three, give your kids problems to solve and allow them to solve their own problems. Don't run in there and immediately fix things when your kid encounters a problem. Like, for example, if your kid has a mean teacher at school, it might be really hard because your kid could come home and tell you, Ms. Smith said this and Ms. Smith said that, and you're gonna, it's gonna hit your mama or daddy button and you're gonna want to run up there and tell that teacher what's up and tell them how they can, can't and all this kind of stuff. I get you feel the same way. However, in life, going to run into not so great people or difficult bosses and allowing your kid, or maybe even talking with your kid, not telling them how, but just listening to them and allowing them to come up with possible solutions or workarounds or things like that, that's the better way to go about it. And if it's just plain difficult and they're not going to be able to fix the situation, empathize with their situation, you don't have to get on your high horse and you don't have to say, hey, you're going to have to deal with mean people in your life, so just suck it up. You know, such thing as fair, all that kind of stuff, you don't have to say that. So have empathy for their challenges, allow them to trial and error how to solve the problem. And if you want to get on the advanced track of this whole parenting thing, then if you can identify what strengths your kid has or past times when they've done really well conquering a similar challenge, bring those up. You can say things like, remember that time that you ran into that one kid and he was such a jerk on the playground? You handled that like an expert. And so you're reminding them of the things they've done and that they have the ability to overcome these challenges. If you go up there and fix it for them, then you're sending the message that you're not competent, you're not capable. And let me tell you what, you cannot have good self esteem if you don't feel competent and capable. That's the whole key to it. And you can do this more effectively with your kid if you will give them real life examples. It just works better. You can say you can do this, which is an okay thing to say. That's not a bad thing to say. But a better thing to say might be like, remember that time you dealt with that dude, you were a superstar. Like, that was tough. I don't even know what I would do in that situation. So you give them a specific example because it, it makes it very real for them and it feels like, oh, like she really means it. Or I do have the skill. Not, my mom's just trying to be nice to me and say nice things. Right? It goes to that next level. If they've got a problem and they can't solve it themselves. A question you can ask is, is there anyone else that knows how to solve this? Is there anyone else that's good at this? Have you talked to this person about this? You know, ask them the right questions that maybe lead them on how to solve it. And also under this category of problem solving, I want to comment wisdom that's out there that I don't think is the greatest wisdom. Like the idea that you need to give everything your 100%. Okay. It's not possible to give everything you're 100%. And sometimes you might see your kids slacking in one area or the other. Guess what? That's okay. Guess what? As parents, as adults, we do that too. And that's all right because there are some things in your life that are the most important and that's where you put your energy at. And other things. Yeah. You can do with just getting by and allowing your kid to have the space to do that is totally great. In fact, you're more successful when you can know what doesn't need your attention, what you can kind of like half ass to be honest with you, and where to put your big attention. So like if it's Saturday and your kid's sleeping in and they're slacking a little bit, but they do their work other times, who cares? They do not have to be productive every single moment. They don't have to give their all every single ball game, they don't have to ace every single test. If you take the pressure off of yourself for that, you're going to feel a lot better and so are they. And you're going to be improving that relationship, which, remember, is the cornerstone of everything I'm telling you here. Now, number four, I mentioned just a little bit ago, but I want to go into slightly more depth about it, Number four is have empathy when they mess up, when they fail, when they can't solve a problem, when they get frustrated and locked down. The reason why you want to have empathy for someone who's in a bad situation is because it actually allows their brain to learn the lessons. So for example, if your kid comes and gets in your car after school and they tell you they failed their math test, you're probably going to have the urge to say, well, I told you to start studying, you know, last week and not to wait till the night before. And I told you you need to do this and you should have called so and so to tutor you don't do that. I told you so's right. A much better response is to say, man, I know math was really hard for me. In fact, I made a D in geometry. That's true, I made a D in geometry. But it's not the end of the world. I'm sure you're going to figure it out. Let me know if you need some help with it. And it's okay to say, let me know if you need help. If your kid comes to you and they need help with something, that's great. But if you're trying to impress your help on them, force them to listen to you or study with you or something like that, not so great. When you respond to other people like this, it actually soothes that emotional and upset part of their brain which actually allows the thinking smart, critical thinking part of the brain that will allow a person to think through, learn their lessons from, and solve the problem. If you engage with them the other way, all you're going to get is eye roll, more frustration, they're going to feel bad and they're going to be mad at you. And you have really haven't helped the situation at all. Which kind of leads me into number five. I want you to realize when it comes to raising happy, healthy, secure, confident, resilient kids is don't try to teach lessons or solve problems with your kid when you are in a hurry, when you are emotional or when they are emotional. Because if you're in any of those states, you're upset or they're upset, or you guys are in a hurry, you're not going to do this effectively. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Let's say that morning times are really hectic for your family. You're trying to get ready for work, your kids are trying to get ready for school. You're trying to make sure they have some breakfast. You're trying to make sure they've got all their stuff together, that they have their hair combed and their teeth brushed and their shoes tied so you can get out the door. And you've noticed lately that one of your kids, let's call her Jenny, tends to not want to eat the breakfast that you put out there. And then she wants something special or she wants something different than her brother or sister. She, she just doesn't like it. Now if you try to solve that problem in the middle of the chaos of the situation, when you're trying to hurry up and get out the door, you probably either gonna find, you might find yourself in a power struggle and you're probably gonna come across with your not best self. However, if you make a mental note that this is kind of an issue that's going on and you decide, I'm gonna come back to Jenny. And when you're in a good mood, and when Jenny's in a good mood, you just have a conversation about it. Don't say we need to talk because that puts people's like walls up and stuff. Just say, hey, I've noticed that you sometimes want something different for breakfast. And then just lay the problem out. Say something empathetic like I know it's hard to agree with like everyone else about what to eat, isn't it? You could say the problem is, is that I don't have time to make four or five different things. So what might be a good solution so everybody's happy and let Jenny come up with a solution. Maybe Jenny wants eggs every morning. You don't have time to make eggs. You can say, you know what, let's have some me and you time. I'll teach you how to make eggs. And then Jenny can make her own eggs. And then when she makes them in the morning, he can be like, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. Give me a bite of those. Those are awesome. So now, Jenny, to solve the problem, you've come up with a solution which looks a whole lot different than in the morning when it's chaotic and you say you're going to eat what I put down there or you can just go to school hungry. Not the best, right? But that's what happens to us all. All of us. I've done things like that plenty of times in the past and I want you guys to know I mess it up all the time. The good thing is as parents, we get lots and lots and lots and lots of do overs. And it's even okay to say you mess something up to your kid. You don't have to be right all the time. I tell my kid I'm right all the time because it's funny. I tell them know everything. It's kind of like our inside joke. But really I'm just playing because if I mess something up, you can say, you know what, I was totally wrong on that one. I'll give you the points on that when you have that one right or you know, I did this yesterday, probably wasn't the right way, I should handle it. I've rethought about it. I think let's do this instead or something like that. It's okay to do that because you're modeling humility. You're showing that it's okay to make a mistake. You're showing how to go back and correct that mistake. The role modeling of your own making of mistakes is probably one of the best things you can do for your kids. Now I think you can see that if you can focus your energy on these five things that it just sort of naturally builds that relationship of respect and trust. I'm telling you what, once I figured this out as a teacher, my life got a whole lot easier. And honestly, it's really good. I figured out because as a counselor, it's literally the only tool that I have to use with the client is the relationship. I don't have any ability to leverage, I don't have any ability to really reward. I don't have ability to take something away or to force something. It literally has to happen between me and a person in the chair and on the couch. So you have to learn how to pull the motivations out of the other person. And this is how you do it. Now up next, I want you to watch these videos, which go more in depth on creating a happy, sustainable relationship.