How To Rebuild Relationship When Trust Is Broken

Trust is the foundation for any strong relationship. But what happens when that trust is broken? It will essentially shatter the relationship, leaving both people shattered. Broken and with an army of defense mechanisms up, which means naturally, all of the guards go up. All of our defense mechanisms go up on both sides of the equation. So if you're in a relationship where trust has been broken and you've decided to try and stay in that relationship and work through it, you're going to need to fight through all those defensive mechanisms. So in this video, I'm going to help you identify exactly what those defense mechanisms are so you'll have a chance to heal yourself and your relationship. Now, I'm going to break this into two different categories. First, I'm going to talk specifically to the person who has done the trust breaking. And then I'm going to talk specifically to the other person, the person who's had their trust broken. Now, a little word of warning before I do this. No matter which side of this you're on, I'm probably going to say some things that you really wish the other person would hear. You may be thinking, that's right, Amber, they need to know this and they need to stop doing this or, you know, whatever. Listen to me carefully here. Avoid using anything that I'm about to say as a weapon against the other person. Because think about it. If you're using this information as a weapon by saying, Amber said, or watch this video kind of in an instigating kind of way, or by saying, well, Amber said, you need to stop and everyone knows, blah, blah, blah, it's not gonna help. Because what you're trying to do is get the defense mechanisms down. And coming at somebody offensively is never gonna get their guard down. In fact, that kind of go anything I talk about on this channel, don't use this knowledge as a weapon against the other person. It's just not helpful. Alright, everybody on board. Pinky promise. Alright, let's get into it. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. You are watching the YouTube channel put the Shovel Down. This channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track. We're here to make sure you are always five steps ahead of it. Whether you're trying to overcome an addiction yourself or you have a loved one with an addiction, and you're trying to figure out how to help and support them, you are going to find the tools, resource and knowledge that you need right here on this Channel, we are more than just a bunch of inspirational stories. Hey, we're not against those. We love inspirational story. You can find several of those here on this channel as well. But our main goal is to give you real tools, real advice so you can quit digging deeper into the hole of addiction. Because we believe you hit your bottom when you put the shovel down and you don't have to lose everything. You don't have to burn every bridge. You can step out of these negative cycles and patterns anytime you want. If you're interested in doing that and you want the tools, knowledge and resources, consider subscribing to this channel because it's all right here for free, right here on YouTube. All right, let's get back to our topic. This is specifically for the person who has done the trust breaking. Some of the things I'm going to say are going to be hard to hear, but hopefully it'll make you feel better to know that some of the things I'm going to say to the other person are going to be hard to hear, too. Okay, we're just going to put it all out there. The first thing I want you to know is that it is going to take a long time for this other person to heal. And you are going to become very frustrated that they're not getting over it, that it's taking forever, because in your mind, you're over it. And you know this time you mean different and you know that you get it and that you're really trying. But this other person in your life, they don't really know that. And no matter how many times you say it, it's going to take time. Because let's face it, you probably said it before and you maybe even meant it before, it just didn't work. And you kept making the same mistake. So above all else, you are going to have patience. Now, the longer time goes on, the less and less and less that this is likely to be a tension and a frustration and be brought up over and over. It'll get less and less, it will get better, but it's going to hang around for a long time, and it's unreasonable for you to think otherwise. One of my favorite young people in recovery used to always say, you hike seven miles into the woods, you got to hike seven miles out. Now, another little piece of advice I want to give you here. You're probably naturally and understandably gonna want to avoid the topic about whatever it is that you did. You lied, you stole, you broke promises, whatever the thing was, of course you're going to want to avoid the topic because it makes you feel terrible. Shame, kill, those are the worst emotions. Shame is the most uncomfortable human emotion there is and we'll do pretty much anything to avoid it. And when the other person starts talking about it, we'll do pretty much anything to get them to shut down. Maybe your tactic is just admitting and saying you're sorry and hoping that does it. Maybe your tactic is to deflect onto them and say, well, yeah, well, you did bad things too and try to deflect the situation. Or maybe you just get so angry and blow up or you shut down as a way of kind of like trying to train this other person not to bring it up. I get it, it sucks. It's uncomfortable. But avoiding the topic is actually going to prolong the trust building process. If you really want to expedite this thing, then guess what, you should bring it up from time to time, acknowledge it, bring it into the room. I know it's scary to do that because it feels like, ok, oh my gosh, like they just calmed down about it. I don't want to start another fight. I don't want to send us into a spiral. I get it. And hey, I'm not saying that couldn't happen. But the fact that you're willing to own it, the fact that you're willing to bring it into the room and acknowledge it, it goes so far in building trust with your loved one because it's going to make them understand that you do get it and that you are trying and you're not trying to run from this thing. If you only ever address it when they're bringing it to you, then it can feel like you're just saying whatever to make them shut up. And hey, maybe you are. That doesn't really mean that you don't regret it or that you're trying to do better. It just means that the conversation is uncomfortable. But I want you to bring it in from time to time. Say, hey, I know this might be triggering. Is this bothering you? Are you worried about X, Y or Z? I'm telling you that consideration will go a long, long way for healing things. All right, this next one, I really should have put this one at the top. I don't know why I didn't start with this one. Because this one's really important. Okay? Your loved one is never going to heal. If it is continuing to happen, they're just not gonna heal. Or if you're continuing to engage in behaviors or say things that are really, really close to what used to be happening. Let me give you some examples. If the issue between you and your loved one was something like, you're drinking too much, maybe you got out of control, you've made some really bad decisions, you were aggressive, you got DUIs, whatever bad things happened. But now it's been some time you're feeling like you can drink occasionally, you can drink socially, you can have one every now and then. I understand that in a normal situation, still reasonable, like having a beer, having a glass of whatever, it's no big deal. But the fact that you're drinking has caused so much hurt and damage, it's not all that reasonable to expect your loved one to totally be cool with it and not worry about it because it's just one. It's just a glass of wine, or it's just a beer. Here's another example that might help. Let's say if the betrayal in the relationship was some kind of outside relationship, some kind of cheating, whether it was emotional, sexual, whatever it was, there was some kind of trust break like that. If you are still trying to hang on to this other person as just a friend, or you're working with them, or they're in your work environment every day, it's gonna block your loved one from being able to heal because they're constantly going to be worried about it. In fact, in these kind of situations, you need to come to terms with in order to heal this relationship. You may have to give up, at least temporary and maybe permanently, the right to have friends of the opposite sex. Which I know is frustrating because it feels like it's normal, it's not out of control, it's nothing bad, but because you've crossed that line in the past, you kind of give up your right to that. So it's kind of like if you've cheated with someone, you give up your right to have that person as a friend and maybe even your right to have friends of the opposite sex, at least for a good while. So don't get mad and resentful at your loved one when they're not cool with it. Because to be honest, you wouldn't be cool with it either. Yeah, I know that you know that your intentions are good now and that it's different, but how are they supposed to know that continuing to bring it into the room and into the relationship is going to constantly keep your loved one triggered. Now, this next one is a biggie, so pay close attention here. When you have been doing something you shouldn't be doing in a relationship, lying, cheating, stealing, whatever that is you're betraying a trust of sorts. You have most probably been telling yourself reasons why it's okay to have done that. And a lot of times, in order to make ourselves feel okay about doing whatever it is we've been doing, we vilify that other person and we reinforce it in our head over and over and over again. For example, in the situation where maybe you've been having an outside relationship, you've probably been telling yourself, maybe I married the wrong person, or, you know, she's naggy or she's controlling or she doesn't get me, or I've fallen out of love. You've told yourself these things over and over and over again. Or if it's drinking or an addiction or a substance, you've said, well, she's just. She's controlling, she's naggy. I wouldn't even need a drink if she wasn't like that. She's always negative. She's just scared because her family was scared. These are the kind of statements that you've convinced yourself of for a really long time now. And maybe some of those things are true about the other person, but also maybe your behaviors are triggering certain reactions in the other person. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously, you've been putting the other person in a position to behave in such a way to validate this narrative that you have going on about them. So if you really want to build trust with the other person, I need you to confront these narratives head on. And this takes a lot of humility and willingness, as in, hey, maybe I was wrong about that, or maybe I was just telling myself that to justify the decisions I was making, or maybe that was something I was doing that was causing them to react and respond in these ways. All kinds of psychological defense mechanisms pop up when we're doing things that we know deep down inside we shouldn't be doing. I need you to identify and confront those. Now, I'm going to move on, and I'm going to talk to the other person in the relationship, the person whose trust has been broken. Now, some of these things that I'm about to tell you may not feel fair because you may feel like, well, I'm not the bad one here. I'm not the one who messed up. I'm not the one that needs to work on all these things. So what I'm going to tell you, I. It's not going to be fair. But if you are trying to restore the relationship, then I need you to hear these things and really take them to heart. The first thing I want you to know is you are not an idiot for being deceived. Anybody can be deceived. And we can most easily be deceived by the people closest to us. Let me explain why that happens. It's because our brain works for efficiency sake. And so anything new or novel we pay a lot closer attention to. We analyze it because it's new. It's different. We don't understand it. But when we have things in our life on a regular basis or even every day, we kind of put those people not in a bad place, but in a safe autopilot place. We're not looking at them the same way. We're looking at new people, situations, relationships. We've been around them so long that we kind of think we know who they are and how they operate. And we've just made these assumptions and all of that stuff gets on autopilot. So we just continue to see them the way we've always seen them. We are not looking for them to be lying to us unless it's happened in the past. So it is very easy to be deceived. Do not beat yourself up. It doesn't mean anything about you. It happens to the best of us. All right, now, these next ones are about work that I need you to do. Now these next ones are harder because these are action steps. These are things you're going to have to actually do. Firstly, I want you to avoid the temptation to go into the pit. Do not go into the rabbit hole of rehashing, remembering, going over it and over it and over it. You will make yourself crazy. Now, your brain is going to want to do this because it's like a protective mechanism of trying to find out what's really happening so you can prot yourself and you won't be fooled again and you won't be hurt. But your brain gets, like stuck in this loop when there's been a big betrayal and you get to where you obsess about it. You think about it constantly, which can cause you to do things like constantly be investigating and spying and trying to catch them. What you're trying to do is you're trying to either prevent yourself from being fooled again or assure yourself that it's not happening. But this obsessive thinking and digging and looking isn't healthy for you. It's going to keep you stuck, it's going to keep you traumatized, and it is not going to let you move forward. Now, I know it's going to happen to some degree, but when you feel this Happening. Put the brakes on it. Avoid the temptation to go into the rabbit hole. There is nothing good in there. Now this next one kind of goes along with that one and that is avoid the temptation to bring it up over and over and over again. You're hurt and you're probably rehashing it and you're re injuring yourself and you want this other person to know it. Or maybe you are needing that, this reaction out of this other person or this certain kind of apology or this certain kind of reassurance. Or maybe they do something else that reminds you of the past hurt and you just want to throw it at them over and over and over again. If there's one thing that you can do to help the relationship move forward is to the best of your ability. Try not to do that or at least damage control it a little bit. I'm not saying you can never talk about it. I'm saying you can't constantly talk about it. Try not to. This is going to be really hard, but try not to use it as a weapon against the other person. You are going to have triggers. You're going to have the urge to do this. You are going to want to do this. The more you give into that urge, the more habitual it's going to become. And it can become almost like an addiction of yours. I also want you to avoid the temptation to give them a taste of their own medicine or exact revenge or hurt them in some way. That anger is a natural feeling. It's there to remind you that you need protecting in some way. But giving someone a taste of their own medicine and getting revenge, it really isn't going to make you feel better. And it certainly isn't going to help the relationship heal. Avoid the temptation to get into a tit for tat or to even use their bad behavior to excuse your own bad behavior. Maybe it's not that you're doing the exact same thing, but maybe you're doing something you know you shouldn't. And then maybe they're upset about it, but you keep throwing their bad behavior up as an excuse to why you're doing it. These are the parts I said that are going to feel unfair. It's kind of unfair, but this is what's necessary for moving on. Instead of punishing them or bringing it up or reminding them what's going to work a little better is for you to just. Just ask for what you need from them. Because a lot of times what you really need is just a little reassurance or comforting or togetherness. A lot of times you're needing something positive from them, but your gut instinct as a way of getting it is to lash out, remind them, punish them, throw it at them. It's just not going to get you what you need, which means you're not getting what you need to heal. When you're coming at them super negatively like that, they're either going to wall up and freeze and just be stuck and not be able to do anything, or they're going to just try to say whatever they need to say, make you shut up, when you're going to know they're doing that, so it's not going to make you feel better and then it's going to make you madder, or they're going to get defensive and yell back and put up their spikes to make you stop doing that. None of those things are going to help you heal. So try asking for what you need from the other person instead of jabbing them with a knife, hoping they give you what you need. As you can imagine, it doesn't work very well. Now, if you want to know more about restoring a relationship and trust after a betrayal, there are other great videos on this channel. In fact, there is a playlist specifically on this topic. So I suggest that you check those videos out or if you want to even go a next step. If you're the person who's broken the trust and you're really struggling to heal this relationship and it's stuck, I have a whole online course called Rapid Relationship Repair which is giving you the step by step process to expedite this healing process for yourself and for your loved one. I'll put the link to that in the description and I'll see you guys in the next video.