Amber HollingsworthRecovery Conversation Simulator, Amber's Recovery Practice Lab · Interactive learning tool trained on Amber methodoloy

How to Set Boundaries

13 Oct 2023 · 1 min

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Amber Hollingsworth explains the difference between boundaries and punishment. Withholding sex until a partner is sober 90 days reads as punishment; a boundary is saying you need connection and repair before intimacy returns. The key is being honest about what you actually need, not what you're trying to make them do.

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So if you're upset with your spouse and you're like, no sex until you're sober 90 days, you're going to try to convince yourself that's some kind of healthy boundary you're setting for yourself. But probably that's a punishment. Now, if you're saying, like, I need to feel more connected to you, I need for us to repair our relationship for those kind of fun things to happen, then that can be a healthy boundary. But you got to be real. Are you really setting that and you mean it and you're open to fixing things, or are you really just saying that, but you really just holding out because it's a punishment? This is where it gets hard and it gets complicated. And it's difficult sometimes to. To see that we can be boundary crossers, too.