How To Stop Addictive Behavior

So maybe you've tried to get sober and you've had some success, but the relapses just keep coming. And every single time you have to dig out of that hole, it's harder and harder. Or maybe this has happened to your loved one, which is why in this video, I'm going to tell you the one simple thing that's going to make relapses a thing of the past. If you're new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and This is a YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you're always five steps ahead of it and you can get your life back on track. If that sounds like something that you might need to do, consider subscribing and I'll make sure you have all the information, tools, and resources to make that happen. Okay, let's get back to our topic. I know before we start, you're already doubting me. You're like, amber, recovery is a very complicated process. In fact, I've even heard you say that on some of your videos. So how are you going to tell me that recovery can happen in just one step? Well, hang in there because I'm about to explain just that. You see, oftentimes when you're having trouble maintaining your recovery and you've put a lot of effort into it, but you just keep falling back. The issue is that you're having a. What I would call. This is a counselor term, so watch out here. It's called having a limiting belief. And the reason these things are so difficult and insidious is because a lot of times they're happening on sort of like a subconscious level, or it's like they're there, but you know how it's like you know something, but you're not paying attention to something. Somewhere in that subconscious or semi conscious state, a lot of these thought processes are still hanging on. And really what they are is they're just flat out lies. Sometimes I'll tell my clients, you know, like, addiction will lie to you. It'll tell you anything it can think of to get you either to keep using or go back to using or to even take a step that would get you closer to using next month. Some of these thoughts that you're hanging onto, and we're about to go over a list of them, are very likely the thing that's keeping you or your loved one stuck in this relapsing pattern. You see, if you're having any of these limiting beliefs that we're about to go through a name, and trust me, I'm not going to give you all the limiting beliefs you can possibly have. I'm just going to tell you, like, the really common ones that I hear in my office all the time. Feel free to add to the list. Okay, so now let's get on to the list, because I think once you start hearing some of these, you're gonna understand exactly what I'm talking about. Here's some examples of limiting beliefs that you or your loved one might be having. Number one, I'll never be happy without it. If you have it in the back of your mind that life is just gonna kind of like, be crummy or at best, boring without drugs or alcohol, then yes, you can have time periods where you're on the wagon, but essentially what you're doing is you're having these time periods where you're being good. Because in the back of your mind, you feel like you're not really gonna have real fun without it. And this is gonna keep you stuck, because if you're just in recovery and it's just because you're being good, kind of like on a diet, then the likelihood that you're gonna get wore out, that you're gonna tire of that, and that you're eventually gonna fall back are really high. So if you're having that thought, you need to confront it. Because a lot of times this thought is hanging around there, and there's absolutely no supporting evidence to it. But it's just in the back of our head, because a lot of times, especially with this thought, this has been ingrained in us culturally from friends, from family. Heck, we've probably told a lot of people this same thing ourselves. And so it'll hang around for a long time until you confront it. You gotta stare that thing right in the face and decide for yourself, is that really true? What's the truth behind that? Can life be fun sober? Is using the drugs, the alcohol, substance, whatever it is, is it really fun? Don't just hang on to this belief just because you've always believed it. It's time to call that out and see if it's really the truth. Let's move on to limiting belief number two. I don't have what it takes. So with this limiting belief, it's kind of like a lie that your addiction will tell you that you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you don't have enough willpower, you're not smart enough, you don't want it for yourself. This One can come in all these various forms, but it's some kind of form of you don't have the internal makeup of someone that can actually get long term recovery. Well, I can tell you over the years of seeing people get recovery for years and years and years now, it's really hard to guess who's going to get it and who's not. In fact, some of the ones I think will never get it. They get it and they get on track and they stay on track. And then other people that I think, okay, they got this, they don't got it. So what I want you to do with that is confront that thought. If you've had periods of sobriety and recovery before, then clearly you have what it takes. And it's probably just that addiction in the back of your mind telling you lies because you've done it in the past, which means you can do it again. Limiting belief number three, the drug, chemical, alcohol, whatever, insert your own word there is the only thing that makes me happy or that fixes this problem that I have. So obviously this one can come in various forms, but it's essentially this same limiting belief just has different ways that it comes out. So it's like, this is the only thing that fixes my anxiety. This is the only thing that helps me sleep. This is the only thing that makes me happy. And sometimes there's a little truth to those things. But in the big picture, it's probably just mostly a lie because maybe whatever the substance is helps you with your anxiety a little bit in the short run, but over the long haul, it's probably making it worse. The same with sleep, the same with happiness. So this is what I mean when I say you've got to take these limiting beliefs, stand toe to toe with them like a big old bully, call it out, face it, and put the truth out there. Because all of these limiting beliefs are just falseness that your addiction is trying to tell you to get you sucked back into the vortex. Okay, limiting belief number four is people are going to think that I'm a total loser. Now again, this one can come in a couple of forms. Sometimes it's really hard to talk about being in recovery because you don't want people to know that you were addicted. And so you hide that fact. And that can put you in compromising positions at social functions and work functions. And it's hard to kind of get out of the substance use because you're not wanting to tell this truth to people because you're afraid about what they're going to think of you, or believe it or not, it can actually happen in the reverse as well. So a lot of people, especially young people, but actually, when I think about it, not even just young people, but lots of people in general, they've made an identity for themselves about being the good time guy, about being everyone's best friend or the guy at the party that always has the most fun or throws the best parties. It becomes part of your identity. And so you may be thinking to yourself, people are going to think I'm a loser if I stop using substances. And so it can work either way. Sometimes people are fearful about what people are going to think if they found out they had a substance abuse problem. And sometimes people are fearful about what people are going to think if they decide they don't want to use substances anymore. In my experience, I have never had anyone tell someone that they were in recovery and have a bad experience. In fact, they usually get a whole lot of really positive reinforcement. And the worst thing I've ever seen happen to someone is that now everyone wants to come up and talk to you about how maybe they really want to quit, or their brother, you know, drinks too much, or their uncle's in recovery too, and they just want to pour all this on you. That's about the worst thing that's going to happen to you. For the most part. People are gonna feel really proud of you. They're gonna look up to you, and people are gonna respect you for that. Because most people know recovery is no easy feat. Another version of that same one is a statement that's something like, well, that's just who I am. You know, a lot of times I hear people say things like this to get themselves out of responsibilities. And it doesn't even have to be drug or alcohol related. What I mean here is, is like, if you've got a really bad habit of something and instead of trying to work on it, you say, oh, me? Or that's just who I am. It's almost the way that we, you know, take that responsibility away and just give ourselves permission to keep on being the way that we've always been. Because we just hang on to that and we just accept it without even challenging it. And that one can go for all kinds of issues, not just drugs and alcohol. Okay, so the next one on our list is some version of this limiting belief goes something like, I can't take it anymore, or the cravings will never go away, or I'm just miserable. It's all these thoughts in our head that's Telling us that it's going to be miserable and horrible and it's always going to feel that way and it's never going to get any better. And it eventually leads you to the point that says, I can't take it anymore until you break. And then you go back out there and use or drink or whatever it is. Of course there are going to be hard times. There may be some really hard times, especially in the beginning. But one thing that might help you is to understand that the average craving only lasts about nine minutes if you don't fuel it. And I've got a whole video on dealing with cravings, and I'll link it up here for you, and it'll help you understand how to make those moments in time a lot shorter and a lot less intense. Okay, hang in there with me because I'm going to give you three more really good ones. And these are ones that I hear all the time. And this is so important because once you can identify this belief that you're having and you can be like, oh, my gosh, I have been thinking that. And you can look at it and really, truly analyze it for what the truth is, lot of times you can confront that and that belief goes away and it clears the pathway. What happens is, is it changes from the situation of, okay, I've been bad and now I have to be good. Like being on a diet versus, you know what? I feel so much better. I like my life this way. I don't even want that anymore. Being a lifestyle change, can you see the difference? When you're restricting yourself, your brain is going to constantly want to go back to it. It's like it's just counting down days until the time that you can drink or you can use or whatever that is. This is a complete shift. If you've ever heard anyone in recovery say, the desire was lifted, or, you know, it's just, I just don't even want it anymore. In fact, when I think about it, I'm like, oh, that sounds terrible. It's because they've shifted these thought processes. They no longer think like this. And staying sober is a whole different thing for them. And it doesn't really feel that hard. It doesn't really feel like they miss the substance. It's their new reality and they like it. So this next limiting belief is some version of, I've made too much of a mess and I can never dig out of this hole. So that can look like my family is never going to trust me again, or I've just destroyed any Kind of ability I have to get a job because I've had these legal charges or I've ruined my credit or whatever it is. All these messes, you might be telling yourself, it's too late. I've already dug the hole too deep to get out of. So I gotta tell you something really important about this one. I have seen people dig out of holes that even I thought, I don't know how they're gonna get out of this mess, but they do. In fact, what I tell people about it when they're telling me, you know, about these, like, really bad problems and situations that they've got to figure out in the recovery process, is I say, you know, I can't really tell you how that's gonna fix itself. But what I can tell you is that when people get on the right path, things sort of work themselves out. Now, I don't mean like, everything in life will be sunshine, rainbows, and you won't ever have any problems. I'm just saying, like, these big, giant things that feel like they'll never fix, you'll never get on the other side of. I'm telling you, I see them work out every single day. So I know this one might feel like a little bit of, like a faith leap, but look around you. Look at other people in recovery. Look at the messes that they had themselves in. Look how much they turned their lives around. It definitely can be done. And you definitely can be one of those people. Okay, we're down to 2 left. This next one is one that's kind of a pity party. And it is called I don't deserve it. And so you may feel so bad about everything that you've done that you feel like you don't even deserve happiness. You don't even deserve to turn your life around or have those good things. Well, that is just addiction talking to you. I'm telling you, addiction will tell you whatever it needs to tell you to keep you stuck. Sometimes it'll build you up and it'll tell you things like, you're a grown ass man. You can do anything you want. I don't know why these people are trying to control you. It'll tell you things like that. But once you've done made a whole bunch of mistakes, it'll tell you really negative things. It'll beat you up, tell you what a loser you are, tell you you don't have what it takes. You can't turn it around. You. You might as well not even try because you've already ruined everything. It's just a barrage of negative self talk. And so you may be thinking you don't deserve better. Well, I gotta tell you, that's just simply not the case. Everyone deserves better than being stuck in addiction because it is pure hell and miserable and no one deserves to be stuck in there. And if you cannot wrap your head around that, you just are so shameful and feel terrible about everything you did. How about this? The people around you deserve for you to get better. This is the whole, like, I'm powerless. It's a disease, I can't control it, self talk issue. Now, if you've been watching many of my videos, you know I have some out there about how I feel about the powerlessness concept and how I feel about the disease concept. It's not so much that I totally disagree with those ideas, but. But sometimes people hide behind that as a way to not get better. And so that's why I'm not 100% on board with some of that thinking and terminology, because people will turn it around in their head to be like, I can't do anything about this. I'm just sort of at the whim and the mercy of this addiction. And, well, it might not be your fault that you ended up with the problem, but you can help it. There is something you can do. And you're not totally powerless. At least not in every way. Okay, so I thought of one last one. I'm gonna give it to you as a quick bonus here. You may be thinking some kind of version of without blank. I can't get recovery without my family support, without medications, without money, without treatment. You may be thinking to yourself, I can't get it without. And fill in the blank there. Well, here's the real truth to that. People get clean and sober every day without treatment, without their family backing them up. People get sober in all kinds of situations. I usually say you don't have to have but one thing to achieve sobriety. This is it, Ray. I'm about to tell you what that one thing is. It's humility. You gotta have enough humility to really understand that you have this problem and a willingness to do the things it's gonna take to get you out of it. People get recovery every single day in all kinds of conditions. The key to recovery is one simple thing. It's about changing the way you think. Addiction is a thinking issue. And so I want you to watch these videos next, which are all about changing that unproductive thinking.