🔴 How to Stop Enabling

Have you ever thought to yourself, I know I'm enabling, but I just can't stop? Or you make promises to yourself over and over and over again that you're gonna stop doing that behavior, you're going to stop giving them money, you're going to stop bailing them out, and you just keep doing it. Or maybe it's not you, but someone else, you know, and you're. And you're wondering, why can't they stop? Well, there are several reasons for that. And in this video, I am going to give you one of those reasons. In fact, I'm going to give you the second most common reason why people can't get out of their enabling patterns. Even though they know they're doing it, even though they want to stop, they just can't seem to stop. And I think you might be surprised about what this is that keeps people in this enabling space cycle. Let's see here. Fix my camera. For those of you who are new to me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor, founder of Hope for Families Recovery center, and I've been helping families navigate the crisis of addiction for a really long time, more than 15 years, in fact. And this channel is dedicated specifically to family, families and individuals, especially families who have a loved one that has an addiction. And you're just stuck in the craziness. You can't seem to get out of it. It's ruining their life. It's ruining your life. And no matter what you've tried, it just keeps happening. So today's topic, the number two reason. You might be wondering why I'm starting with number two instead of number one, but the number two reason why. Why people get stuck in the enabling process is actually empathy. Now, we usually think of empathy as a trait that either some people have and other people don't, or some people have a whole lot more. Of those of you who know me, you know, I use this word a lot called it's yous Genius. And empathy is actually, I call it a genius that some people have. So the ability to empathize with someone else is a gift, but in some cases, it can also be a curse. And those of you who are gifted with this particular gift of empathy probably know what I'm talking about. Now, as we're going through here, tell me what you think the number one cause is, because next week we're going to cover that one. And I'd just like to know from you, what do you think is the number one reason why people get stuck in Enabling. I mean, why do they keep doing it? Why do they keep giving somebody money when they know they're buying drugs? Why do they keep them in their house even though they know it's like causing so much chaos and destroying everything? Well, empathy is actually one of those reasons, and we see this all the time. And I think, you know, if you can sort of understand how you can be empathetic but not enable, if you can separate the two things, then you can still be empathetic, which is hugely important, because those of you who know me, you know that, like, I'm a huge believer that being the bad guy is like the most enabling thing you can do. And one way to stay out of being the bad guy is to have empathy for someone. It's going to help you keep your calm, it's going to help you not be angry at that person, which is going to keep you out of the bad guy roll. So I think having empathy for someone with a substance use disorder is extremely important. However, if that empathy drives you to enable someone, now you've crossed the line. So let's look at the thin little line between empathy and enabling. So empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling or understand their situation on a deep level. So you can empathize with someone your thinking, you can understand it, and you can empathize with someone on an emotional level. That feeling, that ability to put yourself in their place, is a feeling and a knowledge. Enabling is a behavior. And that's where the difference comes in. Enabling is when you fix problems for someone else. And a lot of times, if you feel really empathetic for someone's situation and that triggers you to want to go in and do something for them because you care about them and you get it and you understand or at least you can put yourself in their shoes and so you want to help them out. But enabling in any situation, but particularly when you're dealing with someone that has a drug or alcohol problem is keeping them sick. And it's not going to do anything but lead you to a really bad feeling called resentment. Because what's going to happen is you're going to help and help and help, and they're not going to help the themselves and they're going to get in more trouble and it's going to get worse and they're going to have more problems and then you're going to get ticked off because they don't appreciate your help, because they keep doing the same things. And before you know it, you've turned from an Empathetic, caring person, that same trait into grumpy, irritable, spiteful, resentful, passive aggressive, or just plain out mean person. Because you've let that empathy leads you to enabling, which is going to lead you to resentment. So you've got to sort of draw that line in between those two things. Being able to verbalize to someone that you understand and that you get it is extremely important for. For getting that person to sort of, like, put their walls down. It's what counselors do. You know, we try to look at something from someone else's situation, from their point of view. But the good thing about being a counselor is we have relatively little power to enable someone, because if we had more, I would probably be a worse enabler. In fact, as a counselor, I've been pretty guilty of this in the past, and it's because of that empathy thing. And so if you think of it like you're a counselor, like, you can listen to someone, you can understand someone, but ultimately, you know, you're back here in the back. You see them an hour a week, or maybe a little bit more than that, but you can't fix their problems, you can't pay their bills, you can't, you know, like, do their homework for them or whatever it is. If you'll think of yourself like, what, what would I do if I were someone's counselor or someone's friend? I would listen to them, I would care about them, but I can't really fix the problems. And so if you'll try to think of it from that lens, that'll help you understand the line. But between the two, it'll help you keep a little bit of a better boundary. So let me give you some examples of some times when I think empathy leads you to enabling. This is one of the ones. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. This has really been on my mind for the last several months because what happened is I had one of my YouTube videos and it was on. It was on Facebook, and I don't even know what the video was about, but I frequently. Who knows which one it was because I do this all the time. But I use the words addict and alcoholic to describe people with substance use disorders. Number one, it's way easier to say addict or alcoholic than it is individuals with substance use disorders. Like, that's a lot. It's a mouthful. And since I talk about it a lot, that's just a lot. So that's one of the reasons I do it, because I'm just plain lazy. But the other reason I do that is because all the people in recovery, that's how they refer to themselves. They refer to themselves as addicts and alcoholics. So, anyway, back to my story. The person on Facebook left a comment, and this is, like, a caring person. This is somebody that's involved in the recovery process. And they. They left me this comment. They're like, amber, I really love your videos. You know, you put some really great stuff out, but I have to tell you, like, I cringe every time you use the word. It keeps the stigma up there and keeps people from, you know, reaching out, getting help. And so I thought about that, and I thought, well, I hadn't really thought about that before. And as a counselor, you know, I try to teach people before you jump to a conclusion, like, step back and look inside and think to yourself, like, is that true? Is there any validity to that? And I literally did a lot of soul searching, and I actually talked to a lot of other people, either people in family recovery or people in recovery themselves, and said, hey, what do you think about this? And here's what I think. Here's what I've come up with. And this is just my truth. Other people's truth might be different, and I invite you to leave that in the comments. But I honestly don't think that the big reason people don't get help is because of the stigma. Maybe that was that way, like, a bunch of years ago, but I don't think the stigma of it is really nearly what it used to be. In fact, I like to tell my clients, like, everybody who's anybody's in recovery, like, seriously, all the coolest people are in recovery. Like, it's practically like a status symbol. So I personally don't think that the stigma is the big reason why people don't get better. The big reason why people don't get better is because they don't understand that they have the problem. It's because they don't really get that they are an addict or an alcoholic. And so sometimes people like new in this process. They'll think to themselves, like, well, I drink too much, or, well, I let it get out of hand sometimes, or, well, I just shouldn't take Xanax because that makes me mean, or, well, I shouldn't just drink liquor. And they use all these different ways of thinking about it to minimize it or rationalize it or make it less of a problem than it is. And that is what keeps them from getting help. And not only does that keep them from getting help when they do get help. It keeps them stuck and it keeps them sick. Because most people somewhere, consciously or subconsciously, like they think to themselves, like, well, if you're an addict or an alcoholic, you gotta quit. Like, you gotta give that up all the way. But if you're just a heavy drinker, you can just back that down. So when they think of it in lesser terms, which, you know, I'm not a big believer that you have to call yourself an addict or an alcoholic, but. But helping someone come to terms with the fact that they are is actually pretty helpful to their recovery. That's why when you go to a 12 step meeting, like, literally every time you say anything, you have to say, I'm Amber, I'm alcoholic, I'm Amber, I'm an addict. It's a reminder, the fact that you have this problem and it keeps you in a healthy respect for the thing, that it can come back to you. And if you call it something less, you're much more likely to not do everything it takes to get better. In fact, the worse someone thinks they have a problem, the more willing and the more hoops they're willing to jump through to actually fix that problem. So when we water down the language, it may feel like we're being politically correct, but in some ways I think that's enabling. It's like me fixing this problem for you, like, well, I'll change the name of it for you. You know, like, it's like, I'm so worried about what you will or won't do, I'm going to change the name of it. When in fact, I think sometimes in some situations that's actually a little bit enabling because when you water down the language, that person immediately thinks to themselves, like, well, I just need to do a little less. And the truth of it is, and some people disagree with this, if you are an addict or an alcoholic, which most of these people are that want to water it down, if they don't quit totally, the problem's going to keep coming back. If you're an alcoholic, you're not going to be able to drink just a little, like, I hate it. I'll like work with you as you figure that out. In fact, every client ever had has to figure that out. I'll say, let's try that. Let's go down that road. And guess what they found out. They found out that drinking none is actually a lot easier than drinking a little. And so sometimes it's really acceptance of that term that helps people get better. Plus, when I say the word addicts, or alcoholic. Like, I don't even mean anything mean. Like all of my favorite people are addicts and alcoholics. So there's nothing when I say that word out loud that like attaches to some kind of negative, like thought or opinion about someone. So it's really hard for me to be like, oh, is that being ugly? Like, was that like a nasty word? You know, I like to think to myself, like, gosh, like, I'm not. You're not like being like old school like your grandpa, like saying words that like really you should not be saying anymore. Like, that's not cool. So I really did some soul searching about it and I think that watering down the language is enabling because I think it's fixing that problem for someone. Alright, let's look at another example. I got them written down so I don't forget. Let me give you another example. Like let's say you're a parent and you're divorced from your spouse. A lot of parents in this situation do like guilt parenting because you feel really bad and you feel like, oh my gosh, it's probably my fault why they had this problem. I probably scarred them from the divorce. And that causes you to make decisions in a totally different way than you would otherwise. That guilt is leading you to make bad decisions because you'll. Even if it doesn't have to do with addiction. You know, like sometimes parents in the situation, they'll like buy everything for the kid and they just sort of try to overcompensate for that difficulty. And I'm not saying that it's not difficult and I'm not saying that as a parent you shouldn't work through that or anything. I'm just saying like, you shouldn't use that guilt to make bad parenting decisions. And I see that one like a lot. Ready for the third one? I'm giving you some like examples of enabling through empathy that you might not have thought of. And I'm going to give you this one and this one's. This is one of the ones I might get some comments about. But here it goes anyway. A lot of people enable other people because they empathize with the fact that they have some other kind of mental health problem. So they have empathy for the person because they have depression, or they have empathy for the person because they have anxiety or bipolar. And so what they do is they allow that person to keep making really bad choices about how to deal with that because they feel bad for it. Let me give you an example. A lot of addicts and alcoholics have anxiety like most of them. And so most of them feel like they're using their substance, whatever it is they're addicted to, to help manage their anxiety. And family members will fall into this trap faster than any other trap. If you haven't seen my video on how addicts and alcoholics manipulate by hiding behind mental health problems, you should probably check that out. It's not that they don't have those problems. It's not that they're lying about the anxiety or the depression or the whatever it is. It's that even though they have that, that doesn't mean that they should keep making a really bad and ineffective choice about how to deal with that. It doesn't mean that you should allow them to keep doing it. I can't tell you how many addict kids I've seen that are anxious, that complain to their parents about being anxious all the time. And the parent is literally going out on the street and buying the kid wheat. Okay, number one, it's not even legal here where I am. And secondly, talking about, like, 16 year olds, 17 year olds, so this is like a bad deal. Or we see loved ones who know their person has anxiety and they're like, yes, but please don't tell them they have to come off the Xanax. Like, I know they're an addict or an alcoholic, but don't take them off the Xanax. And I'm like, dude, I get that they have anxiety. I get that they have this problem, but you cannot rescue them or feel so sorry or empathetic for them that you make a bad choice about it. So be careful with empathy. You guys know I'm a huge fan of empathy. I think being an addict or an alcoholic is horrible, torture, terrible way to live. And I have huge, huge empathy for it, which is why I want them to beat it, which is why I want something better for them. And if and as long as someone's enabling the person that has a drug or alcohol problem, they're just not gonna get better. So in my mind, there's two keys to helping someone make the decision to get better. I know you can't make someone get better. Before y' all leave me all those comments. But you can help someone make the decision that they want to get better. So the two key things for that are empathy and not enabling. If you can do those two things, you've got the formula right. You know, what most people do is the opposite of that. What most people do is they. They're mad at the person, they yell at the person, they judge the person, they scream at the person like they're nasty or they're negative in their interaction with the person, which isn't empathetic. But then they go fix all the problems, and then they feel resentful about fixing all the problems, so then they act nasty and negative to the person. That is the absolute worst combo. And that will keep someone sick and in addiction forever. So if you've got a loved one who's addicted to drugs or alcohol and you want them to get better, remember this formula, empathy. And don't fix their problems. When you empathize, it helps someone feel safe. It helps someone take their walls down. It actually helps their front brain, the thinking part of their brain, actually activate when you don't fix their problems. That gives them something to think about. They start to realize, oh, I've got all these problems here. They feel safe enough to let the wall down and actually see it and get help for it. That is the formula. If you are someone that gets stuck and enabling. I had this. We had a call this week from this woman. She said, oh, my gosh, I know I'm doing this. I know it's ridiculous. I know I'm going to kill my kid, but I can't stop doing it. Like, literally, I cannot stop doing it. This poor lady, she was so insightful. She was so well meaning, but she was honest. She's like, I can't stop. Like, you know what if we take your debit card away? She's like, dude, I'll get up and go to the bank. I'll get up and go withdraw it. Like, she's like, I got a real problem. At least she knew that. So empathy and not enabling. If you have a real problem with this, then you may want to consider one of two things. You may want to consider being a part of our family recovery academy, which is includes the innovation invisible intervention stuff and a whole lot more stuff, which kind of helps give you some extra motivation and education and tips and tricks on how to deal with these situations. Or if you're like, no, I'm really gonna need you to hear my situation because I'm really in a bad predicament here, Amber. It's a little different. I need you to hear that. Then you can consider scheduling a consult, phone consult with one of our specialists. Now, if you live near us, then you come into the office and we can just book you a session. But if you live far away from us, if you don't know we're at. We're in upstate South Carolina. If you live kind of far but you still want some help, you can schedule a phone consultation with myself or one of my staff, and I will after I get done with this. If you're watching on the replay, I'll post the links or how to do that in the description and comments below. Thank you guys for joining us. I hope this was helpful for you, and if it was helpful for you, then then please share it out with someone else that you know. Because my goal is to spread recovery faster than addiction is spreading and I can't do it by myself. So if you're in a group, a Facebook group of people with loved ones, or you just know someone, or your best friend or your sister or someone has this problem, share this video and subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure that you conquer this problem. See you next time. Bye.