How to Stop Feeling Stuck and Start Loving Your Life

Frequently when I'm working with people, whether it's people who are overcoming addictions or their family members, they want to know why things don't get better faster. And I got to tell you, it is completely understandable. In order to get to the goods, in order to grow and overcome and get where you're trying to get in life, whether it's about addiction or anything else, You're going to go through some rough times, but if you can change the way that you're looking at those difficulties you're going to incur, it's going to make it all that much easier for you to overcome them. You're going to be 1,000 times more committed to it, and you're not even really going to see those things as problems anymore. It's all about a mindset shift. When you are Faced with a challenge, you have to make some decisions, right? The first thing you've got to do to get where you're wanting to go is you have to become aware of what the problem is, right? You hear it all the time. It's like the first step is to admit you have a problem. Well, a lot of times people know they have some kind of problem, but they're not, they don't really actually know exactly what the problem is. A lot of times people identify the wrong problem or they're putting the wrong label on it. Like for example, I frequently see people who have addiction issues, but they think they have a spouse issue or a job issue or something like that, when actually it's the addiction issue that's causing the spouse issue and the job issue. Not all the time. Sometimes it's the addiction issue that's allowing them to distract themselves or not deal with Another issue. So the first thing you need to do is sort of get serious about saying, what is the problem that I'm facing? You have to become aware of it. And so we're going to call this step, it's like a wake-up call. You've got to wake up to what is really and truly going on in your life if you're going to fix it, right? If you're going to fix the problem, you got to know what the problem is. And Not only do you need to wake up to what the problem is and you need to become aware, you need to become aware of what's on the other side of it. What is it blocking you from? What is this problem blocking you from? Because too often we're just so focused on the problem, and when the hard things come, we're not committed enough to figure out how to overcome those challenges because we're not really sold on the idea of what it is that we could have instead. For example, when it comes to addiction, people get really caught up on whether I'm an addict or an alcoholic. I mean, spending months and months and months dealing with that. And the true reason why they're dealing with that is because they're trying to convince themselves whether or not they should give up whatever this substance is or behavior is. But to be honest, doesn't really matter, right? It doesn't really matter if you are an addict or an alcoholic. Right now I go through the criteria with people. I, we look at it, we go over it, we count them on our fingers. You know, we diagnose ourselves, do all the things. But honestly, even when you're doing that, you're chasing a problem because it's actually a lot more simple than that. The question you got to ask yourself is, is this serving me? Right? Is this serving me? Maybe it served me in the past. Usually some kind of addiction behavior, substance, whatever, it served you well for a period of time. So you got to ask yourself, is this still serving me? Is this serving me now? What is this doing to my life? Right? Because we get so caught up in hanging on to it sometimes just because of like the principle of the matter. Sometimes we're just hanging on to it, not even because we want it anymore, but because our ego is hanging on to it because we, um, want to power struggle. We want to feel like we're in control. We don't want to feel like we're losing something. And when we're in that state, we're really just not aware of what the problem is. So many people, before I see them, they spend years and years and years convincing themselves that whatever this behavior that they're engaging in is the best thing ever. And that could be because other people around them have convinced themselves that it's the best thing ever. So you buy into that concept without either reassessing, is it still the best thing ever? Or reassessing, was that ever even true in the first place? Sometimes we just accept things because we're told it and we get, when it comes to addictive behavior, we get told it from the people around, but we get— those messages are communicated to us constantly through our culture, through the content that we consume, through the videos and the commercials and the people around us. It's just constantly reinforced that this is what you need or want in your life, and if you don't have it, then you're going to be missing out somehow. And so you cling on to these ideas, you hang on to it, and you're not aware that you're actually— because you're clinging on to whatever this thing is for so long, whether that's an addictive behavior, a person, um, a bad job, a bad relationship, any of these things— or when you're clinging on to it, you're actually blocking your blessings. You're holding on to this thing so tightly because you're so scared to lose it that you're not allowing yourself to have All of those things that are standing on the other side just waiting for you. You know, the good stuff like contentment, you know, excitement, joy, motivation, you know, all the good, all the good brain chemicals like dopamine again. And you're really, you're just so fixated on either I need this thing, I don't want to let it go, or you're fixated on It's going to be terrible if this thing happens. Like, like sometimes you, you might think maybe your family member, and you might think it would be terrible if my loved one got arrested. It would be the worst thing ever. So you cling onto that and you pay for lawyers and you, you just do all the things right to prevent that from happening. Because obviously we don't want to see our loved ones in pain because it, it hurts us when they're in pain. So we, we block it, we block it, we block it. When a lot of times that could be the very thing that needs to happen. To get the ball rolling in the right direction. And so often that's the case. The thing we're pushing against so hard is it's like this false belief or false idea, and it usually has something to do with, I can't tolerate X, Y, or Z feeling. I can't tolerate what life would feel like without alcohol. I can't tolerate what life would feel like if I didn't have this specific relationship in my life. But once you become aware that Maybe those things you've been telling yourself all along just aren't really true. Maybe it doesn't really matter whether you're an addict or an alcoholic. If you can just look at the situation and analyze it from a different lens, you know, walk over and look at it from a different point of view, you're going to see that the problem isn't really what you think the problem is. So you got to become aware, what is blocking me? What's blocking you from Being able to help your loved one? Well, it's probably either you've convinced yourself that they can't get better, or you've convinced yourself that you're just so codependent that you're just never going to stop doing what you're doing, or you've convinced yourself you can't tolerate their uncomfortableness. And, and because of that, you cling onto it. And all of those things are usually just Sort of, they're more than just false beliefs. They're just these mythical ideas that hold us hostage that aren't true at all. And we stay stuck because we're clinging onto them. So the first step is you've got to wake up to what the issue is. And you probably already know it. Whatever the thing is you've been fighting against, that's the thing. So if you're not sure, you say, what am I resisting? What am I resisting? What am I resisting? Right there in that spot, in that placeholder. That's the thing. It's always the thing, the thing that you've just been resisting the most for the longest. That's it. Um, once you wake up, the next thing that you have to do is you have to, you have to make some decisions. And when you, when you make a decision, you decide one thing Over everything else. And it, and a decision is final. Decide is to split the things apart. It's, I'm on this side of the fence. Decide which side of the fence am I on? And you make that decision and you don't come back to it and question it. When you, you know, like, um, when you go to AA meetings or stuff, they say just for today. And I can see where they come from with that, right? Like you're, you're breaking it down into little chunks is what you're doing that feel a lot more manageable. It's, It's the same thing as, you know, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Really, that's what you're doing. But it can be confusing when you're saying one day at a time, because a lot of times when people are saying that, what they're doing is they're leaving their options open. Well, I'm going to be good today, but I could change my mind. And you may think, you may be telling yourself that that makes it easier, but it actually doesn't. It actually makes it a lot harder because When you do that, you have to constantly come back to that choice over and over and over again. And then you're in your house one day and your family's gone for like 5 hours or maybe overnight or maybe over the weekend. And now you got to come back and you got to choose again. Am I going to be on my good behavior? Am I going to stay sober? Am I going to relapse? Maybe if you're on the family side, it's like something sketchy happens with your loved one. And you've already, you've watched a lot of Amber videos and you've said, okay, I'm not going to do the sneaking and the snooping and the yelling and the preaching. I'm not gonna do that anymore. But you're just like, I just know they did it. And you're just having that urge, that craving, and you want to go snoop. You want to look at the bank account. You want to pull up the records. You want to call a friend and get some intel or whatever it is. You want to drive by the place, whatever. And now you're back in that position. You're going to choose to do that or you're not. Well, the thing that makes it easier about making a decision once and for all is, you don't revisit it. And it's amazing. Once I see people make the decision and really make it, it's so much easier. It's like they may have struggled with it for years and years and years. I had a, I had a fella I was working with this week and he, some things happened and he just, he's like, that's it. I'm just done. I've decided. And occasionally I run into people and it's like, When they've already decided, I can't even have a conversation with them about them. If you try to talk to them about cravings or relapse, they're just not interested because it's not a possibility. Not so much a possibility that they're not going to have a craving, but it's not a possibility that they're going to give into the craving because they have decided. They've made a commitment to themselves and they're not going to revisit it. And once you take other options off the table, it really does become so much easier. When you're constantly trying to leave all the options on the table, then you have to come back to it and agonize over it. You end up using all of your willpower and all your emotional energy trying to figure it out over and over and over again. Make a decision, set a boundary for yourself, decide which road that you're going to take. And you're going to say, I am going to do X, Y, or Z, come hell or high water, no matter what. No matter what comes my way. And the reason this is important is because right after you decide something, immediately you're going to get a roadblock. You're going to get an obstacle. Something, a curveball, is going to get thrown right in your face. And it was already hard enough. You already knew it was going to be hard, but immediately some new challenge gets placed in front of you. And if you're wishy-washy on your deciding, maybe you went to treatment, maybe you got sober and you're like, I'm going to stay sober, but you You get out of treatment and you find out your dog died, right? You get out of treatment and you found out that your girlfriend left you while you were in treatment. You get out of treatment and you found out you lost your job because you went to treatment. I mean, big obstacles, big hard things can get thrown your way. And in fact, you can pretty much bet it will get thrown your way. And if you've left yourself the wiggle room in there, Guess what's going to happen? You're going to take the out because you've left yourself the wiggle room. If you haven't done that, when you face those challenges, it's not even going to occur to you that you could go back in that other direction. You may feel frustrated with the challenge. You may not like the challenge, but you're going to immediately, all of your energy is going to go into solving whatever challenge that is that's put in front of you. Because you've decided, you've cut these other choices off and now they're not available to you anymore. Right? And so there is no other choice but to move forward, which frees up all of your energy instead of will I, won't I, will I, won't I. It's okay. What do I got to do next? What's the next step? How do I put one foot in front of the other? And all of this stuff is really hard work. But no one ever did anything great while they're comfortable. You know where I heard that? I heard that in a spin class one day. I like it. I was like, I don't know who originally said it, but my spin instructor said it and I liked it. It's true, right? You're not going to get anything great easily. It doesn't work that way. It's— I like to think of it like, um, if it's a seed of change, think of it like a seed of a tree, right? In order to get the fruit of that tree, The roots have to grow down into the ground first. If the roots do not grow down into the ground first, the tree won't stand. It definitely won't produce fruit, but it won't even stand. And so if you're constantly trying to get around the hard work and you're constantly trying to want to take the easy route all the time, you just want to say, okay, that's it. I'm going to be done. I'm going to get sober, but I never want to have to talk about it again with my spouse. And I never want anyone to bring up what I did. And I, and I don't want to have any issues because of all the legal trouble I had. I don't want any of that to stand in my way of getting a job. That's irrational, right? It's unreasonable. And what happens is when you are thinking that way, when your mindset is that way, that it should be easy, not only are you likely to just fold under the pressure, but what happens is you start to feel sorry for yourself almost immediately. Right? And then you build a resentment and then you use the resentment and the feeling sorry for yourself as the reason to make the bad choice. Instead, if you can look at these challenges that are putting, that are being put your way, I just want you to literally imagine that you're growing the roots into the ground that are going to hold you steady and bring the fruit of your life that you are looking for. And realize that no matter what, you're not going to go back to blocking your blessings. If you've been stuck, you're probably stuck because either you're not done growing— you're actually not really stuck, you're just growing, right? It feels like it's not working. Like, for example, when I first started this YouTube channel, it was hard. Okay, like really hard. It was over a year before I had 100 subscribers, and probably half of those people were like people that were just in my life that I harassed to subscribe to the channel. You know, like your friends and family, your coworkers, and all that, right? It felt like it wasn't going to work. It wasn't easy, right? It not only was it not easy because there were so many. skills to learn, so much to figure out, all of which I had no knowledge of. I wasn't techie whatsoever. I had to figure out all the technology, all the algorithms, all the things like video equipment, all this stuff. But it wasn't working. And the people around me thought I was crazy, right? It was draining the resources of my business. It was draining the resources of my family. It was causing a lot of tension and stress in our practice. We lost people over it, people that we like, because it seemed ridiculous, but I had already decided it was happening. Right. And there were times when I questioned myself and I'm like, no, I'm going to do it. It's happening. It's happening. And sometimes you just got to make a decision and you've got to stick and you've got to move all the way through it. And then when you get on the other side of it, what ends up happening is you look back at all those challenges and you're like, well, I needed that. I had to have that. If I didn't learn that lesson, then I wouldn't have got to this point and I wouldn't have learned this lesson. And if I wouldn't have got to that point, I wouldn't have met that person. And if I wouldn't have met that person, like when you get on the other side of it, you can look back and you can see why the path that you took was necessary. You could see why it took you 5 times of going to treatment. You can see why, you can see why it wasn't working for you. It's hard because when you get on the other side, the answer seems easy to you because you can look back and you can say, okay, here's the steps, 1, 2, 3, 4, right? Like change your playmates, playgrounds, and play places and just really simplify it. But when you're in the middle of doing all that, it's very difficult to learn, especially when you're trying to learn something on your own. So I'm going to go ahead and call that step up. So it's wake up, gear up. Step up to the challenges, right? And then push through whatever it's going to throw at you. I get asked all the time, how long before I feel better? How long before I stop missing the weed, the alcohol, the cocaine, the whatever, the gambling? You know, how long before that's not an issue for me anymore? And it's really hard to answer that for people because it's actually the quicker you decide to be done with it, you just don't fool with the thought anymore. You don't romance it. You don't remember when. You don't try to sneak. You don't try to figure out how to loophole it back into your life. You're done. You moved on. And once you make that decision, it is remarkably fast after that. I was working with a guy recently in our recovery coaching program, and he was doing really good. He actually had like a month of sobriety before he ever even has first meeting with me. And so I was like, man, you're doing awesome. I think you got this. You know, like, he's like, no, you don't understand because I've been here before. And I was like, well, tell me about that. And he was telling me about, he's like, yeah, I'll get a month. I'll get 3 months. I'll be doing great. I'll feel so much better. And you know what? Before you know it, I'm right back. I've done ruined everything. I've done dug myself back into a hole and gosh, is it miserable. digging out of it physically, financially, emotionally, relationally. It sucks. And then I'll spend all these months digging out of the hole and I'll do good for a while and I'll be feeling good. My business will be going good. I'll be physically in shape. My relationships will be good. And then the next thing you know, I'm back in it. I said, well, when that happened to you before, when you were sober for those periods of time, those weeks, those months, those long periods of times, Had you decided at the time, that's it, I'm done, I'm sober, I'm moving on? Or were you telling yourself something more like, I'm going to take a break, or I'm going to do a reset, or I'm going to give it a try? And when we think it, when I thought it through with this person, it comes out that really it never worked before because they never decided it was going to work before. They always knew they were going to go back to it because they kept telling themselves, not that they're going to go back and fall in the hole, but they kept telling themselves like, okay, I'm going to reset. I'm going to get my act together. I'm going to figure my stuff out. And then I'm going to go a long time without it so I can reset my whole system. And then I'll just do it every now and then. Man, this is the thing. I'll just do it a little bit every now and then. Because initially, even when you stopped, you premeditated it. And so, yeah, you did good for a long time. You felt good. And the more you felt good, actually, the more you convinced yourself, okay, yeah, now I can do it again. And so the reason it wasn't working for this person before wasn't because he didn't know how to do it, because he clearly did and he felt better. He was getting the good results. He was finding the fruit of those choices. But he, the problem in the steps is he'd never decided. And I said, the difference is, is you're decided, you're done. Doesn't it feel different? He's like, yeah, it does feel kind of different, right? Because he had tried it so many times, he already knew how much better his life was going to be on the other side, and he already knew how much crappier it was on that side of the fence, and he already for sure knew that there was no straddling the fence. It's the straddling the fence thing that keeps people stuck. Especially if you're battling addiction, it's the straddling the fence. It's, I want to keep it in my life a little bit. I want to do it every now and then, or I want to keep this addictive behavior, but not that addictive behavior. I want to keep my drug dealer friend in my life, but I want to quit doing drugs. You cannot straddle the fence if you want to beat this thing once and for all. And so I said, I'm not worried about you. You're not going to fall this time because it's different. You're not sitting here planning and making these little deals with yourself like you used to make. Because before it'd be like, well, let me do 30 days, right? Or let me just get through this DUI. And once I do all the things I got to do to make that go away, then I'll be able to drink, right? So the reason you always fell back is because you always knew you were going to fall back. You planned it the whole time. You may not have known exactly what day it was going to happen on. Sometimes people do know exactly what day, but you knew you were going to go back. And because you knew it, you never— You never broke up with it. You never let it go from your heart. So that meant the whole time that you were being sober and you're being good, you were still nurturing those feelings. You were still fanning the flames. You were still remembering when. You were focused on how you were missing out now. You were looking for how life's not as good as it could be and how other people get to do it and you can't. And so the whole time your mindset wasn't right because you hadn't Allowed yourself to to let go of all of that junk that's going to trip you up. It really is crazy to see people make the shift, and then they're like, "This feels too easy." Like, am I doing something wrong? They get scared, and they're like, "Is it gonna happen? Is something bad gonna happen to me?" Because this feels too easy. And I'm like, "No, it feels easy because you're not every day going back and battling with it. You're not every day second-guessing yourself. You're not every day being like, 'Will I wanna? Will I wanna?' You're not listening to the monster mouths. You're not worrying about whether." someone's going to catch you or not because you're done and you're excited about being done because you feel better and because you see how much more there is out there for you. You know, here you are clinging onto this friend, to this substance, and you're spending all of your energy defending it and saying, I'm a grown person and I can do what I want and you shouldn't try to control me and you shouldn't be critical of me and you shouldn't judge me. And the whole time you're like literally defending a poison. Right? But you dig in and most of the time it's really just ego more than it is even wanting to have the thing. And that's why I'm always telling you family members, stop power struggling. Because a lot of times they're just clinging onto it purely for the power struggle with you and not even because they want it anymore. Like if you stop fighting with them about it, they realize they really don't even like it that much. They do. It's amazing how fast. So the same thing happens to you as the family member when you decide, okay, I'm done. I'm going to stop fighting with them about it. And then within within a week, the relationship's better, and they're like, "Dang!" Like they're friendly, and then they get scared, and then they say, "Well, because this question comes up a lot. Well, now that I'm not saying anything about it to that person, don't they now think that I'm condoning it? Isn't isn't that going to mean they're going to do it more?" And my answer to that is, yeah, they're probably going to do it more because now. You're not driving them crazy and you're not putting the brakes on it anymore. And they're like, well, that's bad, right? I'm like, no, because stepping out of the way, you're not stepping out of the way because you think it's going to make someone quit. Stepping out of the way doesn't make them quit. Stepping out of the way clears their view to see what the problem is. And so it's kind of good when it gets a little worse. I'm like, you kind of want it to get a little worse, actually. You, you want it to fall apart on them and you want it to fall apart on them in ways that don't have nothing to do with you. So they can't make it your fault. As long as they can make it your fault, then you're the problem and not the drug, the behavior, whatever it is, right? And so once you understand that and you become aware of what the problem is, you think the problem is your loved one won't go to treatment. That's not the problem. The problem is your loved one thinks you're the problem. So once you've identified, okay, the real problem is they think it's me, then you're like, okay, let me just fix that. And then you fix that. And it's amazing because within a week they feel better about you. Their behavior doesn't quit immediately. But they feel better about you, and they keep doing it, and they do it more. And then their life isn't great. And then guess what? Because you're not arguing with them about it, they kind of notice it. They're kind of like, you know what? I don't really think I like this anymore. And they start considering letting go of it faster than you might imagine. I can't tell you exactly how fast because I don't know what it is or how long it's been going on. If you tell me. If you met with me and you told me all the details, I could probably get pretty close. We were talking this week at lunch and Campbell was saying one of the families she talks to, the person was saying to her, why is it everything you say is going to happen? Then it happens exactly when you say it's going to happen because it's predictable. You know, family member will be meeting and then Campbell will say, oh yeah, they're going to, oh, when that happens, they're going to do this. And then they'll be like, really? And then it always happens because it's predictable. Right. But once you get over your fear and you decide, I am not going to fight with them about this anymore. I'm not going to put myself in the bagger role. It's a decision, not up for debate. This is a boundary you need to set for yourself. Most of the time, family members are so focused on what boundary do I set for them? And really, you're trying to figure out what role you set for them. Now you're going to set a boundary with yourself about your own behavior. And a lot of times, and even when you talk to like Amber AI or the therapist, they'll say a boundary is about what you'll tolerate, what you won't tolerate. No, boundaries are really about what you'll do or you'll not do. A boundary is for you. I am going to quit saying yes when I mean no. I am going to quit, um, saying yes and building resentment and then acting like a lunatic and being the bad guy. I am going to quit this behavior. I'm going to quit being scared to death of their consequences, right? Those are what boundaries really are. And once you really figure out that's what the issue is the whole time, it's like a freedom. And yes, you're going to have those challenges, but they're not going to feel that hard because you don't have another option. There's no other way. There's only this way. You've made the decision. The path is clear. And when you run into those struggles and those challenges, you realize that it's just life working on you, making you stronger. Just like me with YouTube, all of those lessons, it had to be like, I don't know that there was any other way around it. I feel like for me, I'm a slow learner. I'm not a quick learner. I don't learn anything quick. I really don't. I almost always— it's not so much that I am stubborn-headed. I'm not stubborn-headed. I'm just slow. Serious. I'm like, I'm just a slow learner. So like, I have to try things 100,000 times. I have to hear a concept a million times and do it over and over and over and over and over before it really just clicks with me. I'm not stubborn. I mean, if you tell me what to do, I'm like, okay, I'll do it. What are the notes? I'm not that. I don't have that rebelliousness in me. I'm just not very good at figuring it out. But it's my, it's my process. And in the end, and I think it's that way for you too, you look back on it and you're like, yeah, I needed that to happen so I could learn this lesson. I wouldn't have learned that lesson if I wouldn't have learned this lesson. I wouldn't have changed this thing if I wouldn't have changed this thing. I wouldn't have got to that point. And so I'm not saying that you're going to like those challenges. I don't like them. But I tolerate them and I'm aware of them because I know that's what's necessary. I view it like building a muscle, right? It's like if you're going to climb a mountain, you got to have the muscles to do it. There's no other way. So I view it like climb, like building a muscle. Now, sometimes you can get yourself confused about whether or not this challenging phase of life is growth, as in something's working on you. Or is it what I call the universe telling you you're in the wrong direction? Because it can feel similar. So I'm going to give you a little way of figuring that out. When you're trying to go in the wrong direction and nothing works for you, like everything in your life gets harder and harder and harder, and the universe is squeezing on you, sometimes it means wrong direction. Right? And sometimes it means dig in, hunker down, stick with it, climb the mountain and get on the other side. Most of the time, you, if you look deep down inside, you know the answer. Because most of the time it's something that you're resisting, um, because it's a fear you have or an anxiety you have, or it's going to be embarrassing, or you're worried what will happen if you lose this thing, or you're worried what other people will think, or you're worried, you know, what if I make a bad choice? I lose all my money. You've got this fear that's holding you back and you keep trying to do it another way. Like sometimes, because I grew up really poor, when something breaks in the house or something, my first instinct's try to fix it. Oh, I'll do that. I gotta do that. I'll watch a YouTube video. And almost every single time I end up making things worse. It costs them 5 times as much of what it costs to just have someone come out and do it. And then Regretting it. Like, why did I just resist that? Right? I didn't want to call the plumber, so I just thought I could watch a YouTube video on it. And it's silly. Do you guys ever do that? Is it just me? And then you're like, why'd I do that? Because now I've paid all the money I paid for all the supplies. I paid all of my time. I made it worse. And now I'm still going to have to pay a plumber and go ahead and pay more because I made another problem. Right? So that's what it— that's what I mean when I say sometimes you're going in the wrong direction and sometimes you're just Getting through it early in recovery, life can be hard. The first couple of weeks you feel physically bad. Your brain chemicals are changing. And if you're like telling yourself, well, this is hard, I'm going to quit instead of, all right, I'm another day in, I'm almost on the other side of that mountain, then you're going to give up, right? Especially if you're not committed, if you haven't decided, if you're waffling, if you've got one leg on one side of the fence and one leg on the other, it gets hard. You're just, you're going to fall on the other side. If you don't pick a side, it'll get chosen for you. And it usually isn't the good side. Sometimes it is because sometimes your family or the law or someone else steps in and they say, oh no, you're going to be sober. And here's how that is going to happen. And actually, that's a good thing when it happens to you. If you don't decide, either the addiction's going to decide for you, someone else is going to decide for you, and then you lose That power, all because you're resisting it, resisting it, resisting it, knowing the whole time you're making the wrong choice. How many of you, you know it the whole time you're doing it? I do it. You know, you can literally be in the middle of something and knowing the whole time you took the wrong street when you're driving on the street, you're handling it wrong, you're making the wrong choice, but you don't listen to your gut, right? That's the wrong direction feeling. The other feeling is, uh, okay, this is hard, but I'm gonna do it. It's similar but different. And once you can figure those out, you can make decisions better. You can look at the situation better. You can change your mindset about what's going on. All right, we are about to get to the point we're going to take some questions and some comments and get some feedback from you guys. Bree is back there being our moderator. So if you have a question, put some question marks or something in front of it, or write the word question or something. It just helps us to see it. Um, easier. And Bree's gonna, um, scroll through those and find us some we're gonna answer. And while you put those up there, I'll tell you, as always, there are resources in the description. Amber AI's out. Um, strength-based coaching, family, there's every kind of resource down there. So just check all that out in the description. And I'll tell you a good story, um, while we, while we get our comments. Um, I got A message this morning from someone who has been in recovery coaching and had made some changes and had to make some really big decisions all at the same time they're overcoming an addiction. It was challenging, but they dug in and they decided. And it was like amazing. Once you— once this person made these hard decisions, it was literally like I could see a weight lifted off of them. It was like a million pounds are off their shoulder. They were excited. They weren't even telling me about the addiction as hard anymore because they had a whole new thing in it. And when we look back at it, me and this person, we realized that the addiction was really just their effort at trying to hide from these decisions the whole time. Right? And so when we removed that addiction, at first it was hard. And this person was telling me every day, it's freaking hard. I don't think I'm going to make it. Like, I don't know. I don't know about this, Amber. Like, what am I going to do? I don't think I'm getting through this weekend. They were telling me this. And then once they made this other big decision, it was over. Like the struggling, the cravings. I'm not saying it was completely over, but it wasn't. The volume on that struggle went down to about 5 instead of about 95. It's because they were just distracting themselves the whole time with that addiction. They were just having some decisions to make and having some fear about it. So they were just focusing on something else instead of doing what they needed to do. When you decide, you'll be amazed. I'm not saying everything's perfect, but you'll be amazed about how quickly things start to shift in the right direction. Bree, give us some questions or some comments. Oh, hey, thank you. Is it Fan Nan? Thank you for the Super Sticker. That's awesome. I appreciate that. Oh, we got another one. Kim, thank you for your Super Sticker. That's awesome. I really appreciate it. You guys are generous and sweet. Great, thank you. All right, Pisha, we got a question. How much harder is it for a man who's alcoholic to get sober if his dad and all the males in his family, even the ones by marriage, are alcoholics as well? Is there better, more difficult? Thank you. I don't think so, no. I mean, I, I don't think that makes it harder. It might make it to where if they're getting sober and There's people that they care about that aren't sober. That the reason it might be harder is because they might have to make some decisions about situations or people to stay away from. So you have that element in there, but there's always that element. In some ways it makes it easier because they can clearly look around them and see what happens. They've got every example. There's no guessing, will it get bad? They probably, all those males are probably, one is at each stage of it, right? And they can literally look back and see exactly what's going to work. So no, I don't think it's harder. Like, and I have the feeling that maybe you're saying like, does it make it harder like, um, like in your DNA? Does it make it harder? Does it make it harder because of the influence? I think you can look at it either which way, but no, I don't really think it makes it harder. Is a 2-week drug rehab center even worth going to? My son feels he will be discharged with withdrawals. Suboxone and 10-year high dose of Effexor, non-functioning adult with prescription drug abuse. I'm gonna think about that for a second. I have mixed feelings about that, Jules. That's why I'm thinking about it. Would I like for the program to be longer? Yes, I do think a lot of times it's like the longer you're in there, it's just the more time you have to get your feet under you. So I agree, but I do think having 2 weeks away from it and 2 weeks of help is better than none. And sometimes when your mindset isn't right, you're like, well, I didn't get everything I want and it didn't work out perfect for me and I didn't get all my 90 days and I didn't get the program that has the horse therapy, so I'm not going to go. That's the wrong mindset, right? When you decide, you decide and you're going to use whatever resources are available to you because maybe they go to 2-week and then they go to sober living or they go to 2-week and then they go to IOP or something like that. There are options and sometimes This kind of thinking is really just a way of blocking yourself. It's just a way of talking yourself out of something. So would it be better if it was more? Probably. But if you're going to do it, you're going to do it no matter what. Just like if they're going to use, they're going to use no matter what. If they're going to clean, they're going to clean no matter what. So Teresa says, how do I get my son past this? My son has been struggling with bargaining for over a year. I stopped being the bad guy last year. Fantastic, nice work, um, Teresa. So, um, as always, I always wish I had more information to answer this better. I always just have to give you my best guess on here. Um, sometimes with bargaining typically does go on, to be honest. At least a year, especially if the bargaining really did start a year ago. It may feel like a long time, but it's actually not that long because people have to try all of their ideas more than once, right? It's, let me try to get sober for 30 days and reset. Let me try to do less. Let me try the whatever. Let me try to smoke weed and not do that drug. All the tries, it takes a while to run through them because you got to run through them and you got to run through them more than once because there's always the, well, that didn't work because let me try that again. You know, so there's that. And then sometimes it takes a little bit of a push. But, and so, and so that push could be their girlfriend says, either you stop or you don't. Their mom, your, the mom says, I'm, you know, I'm not paying for this. I'm done. Or you're not, you know, sometimes you need a little push. Now, if you get that push before you've done any bargaining, You might comply with it superficially, but you're not done bargaining. But if this person is really bargaining, they've really tried it, and they've— you know that they have proven to themselves that doesn't work. Sometimes a little push actually is what they need. And like I said, that could come in various ways. That could come from a legal charge, from a relationship, from hitting bottom. So it's either they're not done or they just need a little push. So they can choose the right side of the fence. Beth says, "I gave up fighting over it, never giving ultimatums that I would leave. I set boundaries that it's okay for him to drink and smoke if he were to be altered. I just make a choice not to, not to like be around him, I'm guessing." And you're saying he notices I'm more distant and carrying on my own and doesn't think it's fair. I've also set boundaries with myself to leave if it carries on. I'm still here one year later. Why? Well, my guess is because somehow that statement that the person is saying to you is working on you. It's a kind of a manipulation, right, Beth? It's like they're saying, that's not fair. I hear this all the time, like from especially people who are married to like alcoholics and Maybe the the spouse is just trying to be out of the bag of roll, and the spouse is like saying, "Okay, I'm not gonna argue with them. I'm not gonna preach at them. I'm not gonna throw away the alcohol. I'm gonna stop doing that." So what they do is they just go to their yoga class, or they go watch TV in another room, or they go read a book, or they go out with friends, and they they kind of just keep some distance. And they're doing that for a good reason because they know if they don't, they're gonna get sucked in and not good things are gonna happen. And then the Alcoholic person will say, that's not fair. You don't even want to be with me. And they'll sort of turn that on them. First of all, you don't have to let that manipulation work on you. Like, don't let yourself feel guilty about that because realize actually you're just doing the nicest thing possible, way nicer than yelling and screaming and ultimatuming, right? And you're still waiting on this person to wake up and change. That's why you're still there because you feel like maybe It's going to change, and maybe it is. Are you hearing any change talk? Is it time for a little push? You know, like I would need to know more about it because you're you're questioning yourself. Should you leave or not? And my guess is you know the answer to that. Joanna fifty-two says my husband says he gets drunk because he likes the way it feels. He has no desire to quit. Only reason he tries to ratchet it back is because I hate it so much when he's drunk, and eventual. Oh, there's not more. Okay, I thought there might have been more on that one. Okay, so I call this the big talk, um, Joanna, Johanna. And it's like, it's just like, like the big talk, the cowboy talk. Oh, I like it. I'll just drink till I die. I'll, you know, I'll never whatever, right? It's the big talk, and it's not exactly not true. The— he does like the way it feels when he drinks, right? And a lot of the reason he likes the way he feels when he drinks, if he has an alcohol problem, is because he's in withdrawal when he doesn't, because his anxiety's up and his thoughts are going 100 miles an hour and he doesn't sleep good and he doesn't feel good. So yeah, it feels good to have the relief from the bad feeling. And that's what a lot of people don't realize is that that good feeling you get is really just relief from the bad feeling that the thing is causing all along. That's how you get trapped, especially with drinking. So He has no desire to quit because at this point right now, your being upset is the only consequence. And that's why it has to be consequences that don't come from you, because all they learn from that is that you are the problem. And when you step out of being the problem, they start to realize like, man, I don't like this. I wake up feeling crappy, or I make these promises to myself and I don't follow through, or I'm not bringing my A-game at work anymore, or I'm not being the best parent. Like once you stop being their problem, they start to notice all the other problems, and then they don't quit immediately. Then they move into bargaining, and they do the bargaining thing. It's, it's a process of how people get there. Yeah. What else do we got, Bri? Lydia says Amber AI is awesome. Hey, thanks Lydia, I appreciate that. You are literally telling me what to say to my son, and it helped both of us so much. My son is in a dark place with anxiety and depression as well as suicidal ideation. Um, you're— is that all of it? Your advice is saving both of us. He's at a point where he regrets his lifestyle choices. He has an appointment with an addiction doctor next week and he's closing in on deciding to get sober. Hey, that's fantastic, Lydia. It's not fantastic that your son is struggling so much, but it's fantastic that you guys are both moving in the right direction. And thanks for the positive feedback about Amber AI. It's one of the things I really like about her. Like, she'll literally craft The words. Because if you're like me, Lydia, sometimes I'm like, what are the words that I need? I don't know if that's my ADD brain or what, but she's super helpful with that. And if you don't like the word she gives you, you can say, yeah, give me, give me some more choices, and she'll give you some more. All right. All right. Bree says that we are about out of time for today. Thank you guys for everybody who showed up live. If you're watching the playback, hey, we're glad you're here too. If you want to join us live, we're live every Thursday at 1:00 PM Eastern, and we would love to have you here. And you can be part of the conversation with us. All right, everybody, we'll see you next time.