Amber Hollingsworth explains how mindset and intentionality shape recovery outcomes: the filters we apply ("you find what you're looking for") bias what we notice, and expecting the worst robs us of joy and resilience. She uses metaphors (colander, sunglasses, clock trick) and gives practical advice: before meetings (12-step, SMART Recovery, Celebrate Recovery) or counseling, set an intention to give or to connect, decide what you want to get from the session, and avoid victim-thinking (referencing the drama triangle).
Chapters
So today's video is all about getting your head on straight. Have you ever heard the saying, you find what you're looking for? Well, I'm a big believer in that. So if you go into a situation looking for negative things to happen, that's definitely what you're gonna get because you've actually put on a filter. It's like a colander that's only gonna let those through. Or like a pair of sunglasses where it's letting some light in and filtering out other light. You've got to pay really close attention to the filters that you use. A lot of times people will say things to me like, well, just expect the worst and you won't be disappointed. Well, that's totally ridiculous. That's just a mind game. And it works just about as well as my mind game that I play with myself, which is like, to set my clocks ahead, like, especially in my car. Totally doesn't work because I know if it's 7 minutes and 38 seconds ahead and I'll just think, oh, it says that, but I still have 7 minutes and 38 seconds. Like, it just doesn't work. If you try to expect the worst, guess what? When the bad thing happens, trust me, you're going to be just as disappointed. It's not going to help you feel less disappointed when that bad thing happens. You're just going to rob yourself of all the joy you could have had in between before that bad thing happened. And not only that, but if you've been able to see all the little good things before that bad thing happened to you, you have the resiliency to tolerate that bad thing. So let me give you a practical recovery example. So if you're going to meetings, 12 step meetings, or Smart Recovery or Celebrate recovery, or whatever kind of meetings and support you're going to, eventually you're going to find that those meetings are going to get a little dull for you. You're going to find that it feels sometimes like the same people show up and they say the same things. And you'll find yourself walking into those meetings kind of not looking forward to it, being kind of like, here we go again, I know what John's gonna say now and all that kind of stuff. If you find yourself thinking like that, do a little filter switch. Go into a meeting, set an intention. Before you walk into that meeting, you can set an intention like, I want to really connect with someone and offer something to the group, offer a piece of advice or a story that could help someone else. That's something that you can control. You can't help it if Johnny always says the same doggone thing at the same meeting and probably at like the same time to the minute. But you can control what you bring and you can control what you take out of there. If you'll go into these situations with a mindset of giving, with a mindset of finding something positive, that is exactly what will happen otherwise. Guess what? You fall into not only negative thinking, but you're back to your victim thinking. So if you're thinking like that, you better go back to that episode. Remember that one on the drama triangle and the victim thinking you're actually making yourself a victim of the meeting by feeling sorry for yourself about it. Or you might be thinking, everyone else is way worse than I am. Or you might be thinking, I'm way worse than they are. Don't get into that thinking. That's just you or your disease trying to disqualify that meeting as a resource or a support because it's trying to get you all alone so that it can get you set your intention. If you're going to counseling, walk in there with a plan and think to yourself, what is it you want to get out of that session? What is it you want to get out of that meeting? What? What is it you want to accomplish in your relationships? Be intentional and you will find what you're looking for.
