How To Support Someone In Early Recovery

You know, on this channel, we talk a whole lot about how to get a loved one from active addiction into recovery. But today we're going to talk about what do you do when your loved one has taken those first few steps into recovery? How do you support someone in early recovery? Even if your loved one's not there yet, they're going to get there, and you need to know what to do. This video is for you. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track and get back to living the life that you want to live. It's our goal to make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction. And the information in this video is going to help with that a ton. All right, I've broken this down for you into the do's and the don'ts. The do's and the don'ts about how to support someone in early recovery. And honestly, the don'ts are as important or maybe even more important than the do's. So please pay special attention to all of the don'ts. The first don't is don't bring up the past constantly. I. I know it's really hard not to do this because it's like we really, really, really want to make sure that they get it, that they understand how bad it is, that they understand how bad it was, and that they do everything possible to make sure and not go back to their old ways. So we can fall into this habit of constantly reminding them or saying it in little passive aggressive statements. It's tempting as it is. It's definitely not helpful. I don't even think I need to explain to you why. I'm sure you kind of already know that. It's just about overcoming that temptation to do it instead of doing that, do this instead. Do be patient. So instead of bringing up the past, here's what I want you to do. Instead. Do Be direct in your communication with your loved one, but kind. You don't have to tiptoe around the situation. It's okay to say what you need to say, what you expect, but. But just do it in a kind way. And you can do that without bringing up the past. Trust me, they know. They remember. Okay? Even if they don't remember everything because they were in a blackout, they get it, okay? So you don't have to keep bringing it up. Now, if you're really struggling with that one, I just Want you to remember this. When you're constantly bringing it up and being negative, then the drug starts to seem more and more and more appealing. And we're not gonna let that happen because we're five steps ahead of addiction. Alright, here comes your next. Don't, don't micromanage their recovery. I see this all the time. Families that want to manage how many meetings their loved one goes to or how many times they talk to their sponsor. In fact, I've seen family members get the sponsor's number and pick up and call the sponsor trying to micromanage their loved one's recovery through the sponsor. If you've done this, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but you might want to think about reining that in. You don't like to be micromanaged with anything that you do, and neither do they. I know it's really hard because you feel like their choices in recovery directly impact your life. So it's hard not to micromanage it. But when you do that, all you're going to do is make them want to power struggle with you that much more. So instead of micromanaging their recovery, what I do want you to do is manage your own healthy boundaries. Don't find yourself doing things that you don't want to do, like over helping or overpaying for things, because that's going to lead you to a place of resentment and cause you to act in a way that you're probably going to regret and it's definitely going to be not helpful to the situation. Number three, don't is don't get back on the roller coaster with them. Even if it feels like they may be trying to get back on that roller coaster, you resist. You have been on the roller coaster, you don't like it, Remember you really hated it, so don't get back on it. Now, sometimes it's just little statements that they say that make you think, oh my gosh, they're going to go back and use, but. Or maybe they even have a relapse or a lapse. And it is so tempting because you're so scared and you're so living in fear and you just want to make sure it doesn't happen and you want to make sure that you're protected and because of that you might accidentally step back on that roller coaster. But if you start engaging with them the way that you used to, that is a surefire way to make sure that you both get back into that same old cycle. And it's really, really hard to get out of. So don't get back on the roller coaster. Instead, what I'd like for you to do is do be patient. You need to understand that there are going to be some ups and downs in the recovery process. And one of the things that I see that family members do that really, really, really sabotages recovery. And I get why they do it, I get it. But they come in with their expectations way too high, right out the gate, right? And I get it because the person probably has not been living up to the responsibilities lately. They haven't been contributing to the family, maybe they haven't contributed financially or they're causing all these problems and it's like, okay, finally you're sober now. I want you to also make up for all that lost time, make up for all the money, you know, get back to being like a full blown perfect good citizen immediately. And it's just not going to work that way. Even once someone gets sober, it's going to take a while for them to be able to juggle all the things in their life and their sobriety in an effective way. So when they're sleeping in and that's making you mad, or when they're still grumpy, or when they still don't want to hang out with the family, sometimes, you know, some of those behaviors that have been driving you crazy, they're not going to go away immediately. But if you will stay patient and calm, they will go away little by little by little. And eventually your loved one will get to that point that you want them to. But if you try to rush it, you're gonna make the situation go backwards. So remember to be patient. Here's your next. Don't, don't be negative. And when I say that, I mean don't say negative things. But also try not to think really negatively, like they're never gonna beat this, or they've said that a thousand times before or whatever. I'll believe it when I see it. Don't be negative because you know what you find, what you're looking for when you're doing that. You can be accidentally like doing like the self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. So don't do it. Do use reflective listening skills with your loved one. And even better than that, do use motivational skills with your loved one. Now if you don't know what those are, I'm going to link up my video for you about reflective listening at the end of this video so you can watch that. And if you really want to be really, really, really good at that, then you can consider taking our Motivation Masterclass. Now, Motivation Masterclass is not just for dealing with someone who's in active addiction to get them into recovery, but it's also for helping people overcome all those little roadblocks along the way. If you want to be five steps ahead, those motivational skills are definitely going to get you there. I'll put the link to that in the description below. Alright, here's your next one. Don't baby them. Everyone hates to be treated like some kind of weird alien child that honestly can't understand anything, or that they're so vulnerable and fragile they're going to fall to pieces. I see this all the time. Families will tiptoe around it. They'll not want to tell the person, you know, like bad news that happens. And so you're just so worried about the recovery falling apart that you end up just treating them like a little tiny baby. And no one likes that. Instead, just treat them like a regular, normal person and just talk to them in a regular, normal way. They'll definitely appreciate it. They're not that fragile. In fact, treating people like that is what's gonna trigger them more than whatever it is that you're trying to protect them from. Please, please, please. If you don't listen to any of my don'ts, listen to this one, okay? Don't constantly talk about recovery. I know that it's been ruining your life for the last several years probably, and it's the only thing on your mind because it is. What your mission is, is to get this problem under control. But if it's what you constantly want to talk about, your loved one is not going to want to talk to you because it's just going to suck. It's going to feel like being in the principal's office all the time. Even in counseling sessions. We don't talk about recovery all the time. No one wants to do that. I know that sometimes you have to have some conversations about things and that's fine, But I'd say 90% of the time, conversations just need to be about regular stuff. Whatever you normally talk about. The weather, a Netflix show, the ball game, whatever's going on in the family, the latest gossip doesn't matter. But just make sure it's not all heavy. Talk about recovery. Alright, here's your next. Don't. Don't put your head in the sand and think to yourself, whoo, thank goodness we got this problem conquered and it's all over and I can relax now and you let your guard completely down. There's gonna be some ups and downs in the process, and it's not ever smooth. So don't just put your head in the sand and think, oh, thank God, I'm done, and you can just quit worrying with it. Of course I don't want you to worry yourself sick, but I do want you to be smart about what's happening. So instead of putting your head in the sand, here's what I do want you to do. I do want you to subscribe to this YouTube channel and watch more videos. Because when you do that, you're going to understand everything about the science and psychology of addiction, and you will be five steps ahead of it. And it's going to help you feel so much more confident and hopeful about your situation. Up next, more strategic advice about what to do when you're dealing with an addicted loved one.