HOW TO TALK TO AN ADDICT IN DENIAL (my SECRET FORMULA that works every time!)

In this video, I'm going to show you the exact eight steps that I use to talk to an addict in denial. Well, not just talk to someone in denial, but build a relationship with them, get them to trust me, and eventually even seek my advice about a situation. Ultimately, all of these things are exactly what allows me to lead or motivate, whatever you want to call it. Someone to take steps towards recovery. Not only are these the steps that I use to engage reluctant clients, but these are the exact same things that I teach new counselors coming into the field about how to work with people in denial, people that are resistant to counseling, or people that just downright don't want to talk to you. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. You're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed to teach families the science and psychology of addiction so you can outsmart it and get your life back on track. You see, I grew up in a really addicted family, and then I worked in the field for years, and time after time after time, I saw that there were all these desperate family members who needed help, needed advice, and were absolutely trapped in the system. No one would talk to them because of confidentiality. If anyone did talk to them, they would only say, you know, there's nothing you can do. You have to wait for your loved one to want it. Go to Al Anon. And all those cliche things that just make you want to pull your hair out. Those are the reasons I started this channel. I want you to have all the insider tips and knowledge that I have so that you've got the best chances possible to beat addiction. Okay? Sometimes the best way to teach somebody something is to show you. In order to show you, I'm going to tell you a little story. So not that long ago, I had this young man show up for a first appointment. Let's call him Adam. Obviously, that's not his real name, but we'll call him Adam. And Adam is a teenager, and he shows up in my parking lot with his dad in the truck. And in our office, we have sort of these doors that have glass in them that you can kind of see through, and you could see hands going at each other. And clearly they were arguing about the fact that the son did not want to come in the building. And I thought to myself, now, this was my first appointment of the day. And I thought to myself, oh, gosh, this is gonna be good. I literally did not know whether this kid was gonna walk into the building or not. I was debating in my head about whether or not walk out to the car and try to say something or if that would make it worse. Well, eventually he came into the building. Let's just say he looked rather reluctant about it. So I move into step number one at this point, which is when you're interacting with someone who's in denial or needs to change something, you need to approach the situation in a casual manner, because the whole goal here is to interact with someone in a way that keeps them from being putting that giant wall up. Or in this case, to interact with someone in a way that's going to get them to bring that wall down. Do not. Do not. Do not come across as needy or pushy or overly appropriate or uptight, because if you come across that way right out the gate, you're just gonna get wall nothing. They're literally going to be Charlie Browning you in their head. You know what that means, right? Going womp, womp, womp every time you say anything. So I approached this young man, Adam. I'm like, hey, Adam, I know you don't want to be here today, but I promise you this is not going to suck as much as you think. Why don't you grab you something to drink out of the cooler and come on back to the office? So I walk Adam back to my office, and as I'm walking him back to the office, I do step number two, which is address the resistance. I mean, you can feel the tension in the air. You can feel that he does not want to be there. Now, that I could get defensive about that and have an attitude or be defensive in my head, that's not going to help. I could ignore it, which probably isn't going to help. Or I can just say, look, I know this is not what you want to be doing with your morning, right? Talking to some stranger. You don't even know about stuff going on in your life. Like, I know that totally sucks. I usually say something like that so that they know that I get it, like, this ain't fun, and that they don't want to be here. Because if they know that I get it, they can stop screaming it really loud at me with their body language. Other times, I might say something sarcastic or funny like, oh, you really know how to make a girl feel important, you know, because they're just, like, coming back, rolling their eyes, like, totally not wanting to deal with me. Address the resistance. If you're feeling that wall, just acknowledge it. Because literally acknowledging the wall most of the time makes the wall come down. Like, at least Halfway. Okay, now we're moving on to step three. We're getting into the meat of the information here. But make sure you pay attention to all eight of these steps because they're all critically important. Alright, now step number three. Now, beginning with step number three, this is actually where I get the person to start considering that this whole situation might not be the most horrible thing ever. So let's go back to our situation with Adam. So Adam walks into my office. Now, I need you to sort of visualize the setting here. In my office. There are three places to sit, and it's always interesting to watch where new people sit. I've got like a regular sized blue couch. I've got this blue chair that faces the couch, and I've got this big gray chair. It's like one of those chaise lounges. It is awesome. I call it my Freud chair. But new people hardly ever sit there because they're pretty uptight and nervous and they don't really want to be that relaxed. So when new people come in, I usually just say, you can sit anywhere you want. I'll sit around you. That gray chair over there is the most comfortable though. But even though I say that most people don't usually sit there, if they do, that tells me that they're actually pretty comfortable. And then I might not have to work as hard to get their wall down. Let's just say Adam did not sit in the gray chair. So the only two seating options that are left are this blue couch and this blue chair. Now, I say it's probably fairly obvious that the blue chair is where the counselor sits. But honestly, I really do move around and sit different with all my clients because they all sit in different places. So I kind of like move around them. So Adam chooses to sit in the blue chair. Now, I know I'm going on about the sort of what's all in the office in the furniture, but this is important because I'm paying attention to what's happening and I want you to pay attention to what's happening. So Adam sits down in this blue chair, which is clearly like the captain's chair. And I sit on the couch across from him, just sitting. So we're kind of, you know, face to face, and I sit casually. Usually when I talk to clients in my office, I'm usually holding a pillow, usually got my feet pulled up in the chair, and I'm just totally in the conversation. I'm not sitting there uptight. I'm not looking defensive. I'm actually looking like I'm totally interested in this conversation and right here in the present and nowhere else. These are important things. And Adam says, oh, yeah, I've seen, like, 20 counselors before. And I said, well, I was like, dude, that's a lot. I was like, any of them ever, like, really good or really bad? And he said, I don't know. I never seen any of them more than probably a few times. So then I say, so you mean if I see you, like, five times, I'll know I'm like the rock star counselor of the universe. And he kind of smiled. See, that's that casual coming back in. So I'm just trying to get this wall to come down. And so this step three is actually being interested in what the person is telling you. So I might say something like, 20 counselors, dude, you should be writing reviews or something. You could be, like a secret shopper of counselors. And so say something funny and casual. Take whatever they give you, and if you're interested in it, it can turn into something a little bigger and you'll get a little. I said, well, any of them been particularly good? And he's like, no. And then he's like, well, this last lady I saw, like, she was pretty good, but now my parents don't even want to let me go back to her. And I was like, oh, dude, like the only one counselor of 20 that you actually could have maybe liked, and they made you quit and come see me? He's like, yeah, so I'm leaning into the resistance here. I'm being interested in what he's saying. I'm being casual in my interaction. I know you're kidding. Let's time out right here, because I know you're thinking, okay, Amber, why are we going through detail by detail by detail about what's going on in your session with Adam? Because these are the essential elements at getting someone to take. Take their wall down. And you can take these elements that I'm giving you and adapt them to your situation. And if you'll do these things that I'm saying, it will work in pretty much any situation. It doesn't even have to be trying to talk to someone in denial about drug or alcohol problems. These steps will work to get someone to take their wall down and actually listen to you and like you and trust you and want to know what you have to say about things. So you can use this with friends. You can use this with your addicted loved one. You can use this with your stubborn teenager. I'm telling you, these are really simple things. You can do that. Definitely work. Okay, so let's get back to Adam. So the session's going on, and Adam proceeds to tell me why he doesn't need to be in the office and why. Like, it's just ridiculous. And his parents are over controlling, and he just smokes a little pot and doesn't even like, what's the problem? So I'm listening, and I'm being curious, and I'm just asking some questions. I'm kind of feeling around. I usually say when I ask questions, it's almost like when you go to the doctor and you lay on table and they're like, kind of like touch you in all these places, and they're waiting for you to wince, ask you a question about your mom, ask a question about your dad, school. I'm kind of waiting because you can tell when you kind of hit that button. And I'm like, all right, this is the spot I need to focus on for a minute. So I'm kind of listening and I'm doing my thing and I'm asking these questions. And eventually comes around to talking about the fact that he can't get his driver's license, which means he can't get a car and drive unless he passes a drug test. And so I'm like, okay, here it is. Now I've got a problem that he's identified that he wants to solve, and he is motivated to be able to drive. He may not be motivated to stop smoking weed, but he is motivated to be able to drive. So you need to put that little note, put a little flag on it in the back of your head and just hold it there. Don't do anything with it yet. And so then I say something like, yeah, I guess life would be a lot easier if you could drive, right? He's like, yeah, because then I could get a job and I can make money and I could get out of this house, which I hate. And then I say something like, yeah, it kind of sucks to be broke. Like, having money definitely means you can have a little bit more independence. He says, well, I get money now. And I'm like, oh, well, how do you get money now? He's like, well, like, I sell stuff at school. And I'm like, like, you sell drugs? Like, what are we talking about? He's like, nah, I sell, like, candy and stuff in sixth period because people are always hungry by the time sixth period comes. Here's what I say. I say, dude, that's awesome. You're like a little businessman. You're like a Hustler. I love a hustler, which is very true. So that is step number four. Find something that they say or that they're doing or that they show you or reveal or whatever that you can say something positive about that you really like or find interesting about them. It has to be genuine. And so what I said to him was very genuine. Like, I love a little entrepreneur, a little salesman. I see lots of them all day in the office. And for some reason, I just like it. I like that. Go getterness. And so I said that. And I could tell immediately when I gave that little piece of positive feedback that was genuine, he perked up a little bit. He didn't want me to really see it, but I could tell it. And so then I'm continuing this conversation. I'm just sort of going wherever he's leading and wherever whatever he throws out there, I'll just sort of go down that path a little bit. And so eventually, I can't even remember exactly how, but he started talking about his girlfriend. So I started asking questions about him. Like, well, what's her name? Well, how'd you meet her? Well, how long have y' all been together? Well, she seems pretty cool. And so once I got to the girlfriend topic, I could tell this actually was a topic that he did want to talk to someone about because he actually was pretty forthcoming. And eventually he was telling me about this girlfriend, and he's like, and I really just don't even know what to do about the situation. I was like, dang, here it is. Light bulb. This is the cue that tells me, okay, like, my window's open here. Like, this is something this kid actually would like to process and probably want some feedback on. So I'm listening. I'm like, well, tell me more about the situation. Well, what's going on? What do you like about it? What? You don't. And basically he ends up acknowledging that because he smokes so much weed. He did say it like this, but this is essentially the story tells. He smokes so much weed that his girlfriend stays mad at him all the time because he doesn't pay much attention to her. And so he tells me that and all of his little different ways. I was like, dude, it kind of sounds like you are a sucky boyfriend. I'm a little bit feeling sorry for her. Now you might be thinking, why did you say that was negative? Because giving a piece of negative, honest feedback can be an important part of step. So I'm going to call that step number five. If I go at this person with all sunshine and rainbows. It's going to seem inauthentic, it's going to seem fake. It's gonna seem like I'm trying too hard or being needy. So I'm gonna give them a piece of feedback, genuine feedback. That's maybe something they didn't expect to hear. And when I said that, he actually is like, yeah, I guess you're kind of right. Sometimes I am. And we kind of like laugh together. Because what that does is it builds trust. He knows I'm being authentic with him. He knows I'm not trying to blow smoke of his butt or whatever. So you're not just being all positive and cheerleadery. You're having conversation with someone where you are being interested, where you're giving some positive feedback and reinforcement, where you're telling some truth in there, but in a way that's not overly critical. So moving on with our Adam session. So then he starts to talk to me more about this whole dynamic of fighting with his parents and wanting to smoke weed and how his parents are the worst and other people's parents aren't that bad and it's just ridiculous. And he wants to be able to drive his car. So I'm just listening and reflecting and asking questions and being genuinely interested in the issue. So the more he talks, the more his wall is coming down. And I can tell he's warming up just a little bit. In fact, he reaches up and he gets some candy out of my candy bowl. So it tells me his guards down enough that he's actually eating some candy. And you got to be a little casual to do that. So secretly I'm thinking, alright, we're getting somewhere. So step number six is just practice basic active listening skills. So it means they're talking to you and you're just reflecting it back to them. I can do a whole video on active listening skills, but for now I'm going to say it's just basically repeating it back. So if he tells, like, I tried to do this and this and this didn't work. I'm like, man, you try that and it didn't work. Just almost like repeating. And that really engages a person in the conversation and they're going to want to tell you more because they can tell you're interested in the conversation that you're having with them. Now what I'm going to do here is I'm going to listen long enough to him until I'm actually looking for some little tiny problem that he has that I might can Offer to help easily or give him some kind of simple solution so that he knows I'm aligned with him. Like, if he's missed a bunch of days, I can say, hey, look, I'm gonna totally write you an excuse for today. Like, this is medical. They cannot hold it against you. I got you. Or whatever. Whatever kind of small little something that they have. If I can help them with that, then they know I'm on their side, I'm aligned with them, and we have some connection. If they complain about something that the parents doing that probably really is kind of a little bit out of bounds, I'm like, hold up. I got it. I got Campbell on it. I got Kim on it. We're gonna fix this for you. So I try to look for a little something that I can help them with. In your situation, you might be thinking, well, I don't want to enable them, but this is a strategic move. This isn't huge. This is tiny. This is something that you're doing. It's kind of a small favor that just says, hey, I care about the difficulty you're having. I want to be helpful to you. And so it's usually just a little small something. No big deal, but it helps them feel like you got their back. Okay, so now we're moving on to step number eight. So after all this happens, the session is coming to an end. And eventually I kind of stand up to sort of cue that the sessions over. I'm like, dude, was that so bad? He's like, you know, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was like, so you come back and see me next week. And he's like, yeah, I'll be back. I'll see you next week. Now, obviously, I played it cool and just sort of walked him out, but inside I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got him. He's coming back, like, because I knew I got that wall down just a little bit, which is the vital ingredient to dealing with someone in den. Building trust, it's building credibility. And then you walk away. That's it. But if you're building this relationship, you're doing what I'm telling you regularly and steadily. When you get your moment, you're going to give that piece of advice. You're going to help them in a way that they're going to listen to you, they're going to care what you have to say, they're going to trust you, and they're going to take the steps that you suggest. I'm telling you, it's like building credit at the bank so that when you go up and you say, and you want to cash in that credit, you got enough credit that the bank's gonna work with you. That's what you're doing here. So these eight steps that I've taught you today connect pretty closely to the CRAFT method, which is the method that we use to help get someone from in denial into recovery, whether that's to go to treatment or 12 step or whatever it is. It's the whole big process. And I have several other videos on the CRAFT method. I'm gonna link them up right here for you because you really need to watch those next.