Huge Communication Mistakes that are Ruining Your Relationships! 🚧

Today we're talking about five really common but really big communication mistakes. They're probably damaging your relationships. In fact, these things that you're doing, you may be doing them even automatically, but it's pushing people away from you. Now I've got five of them, and I'm going to start maybe from the sort of, like, least problematic and go all the way to the most problematic. And I think you really, really, really going to be surpr. That fifth one, I think what's going to surprise you about is you're just going to be surprised because you're like, I can't believe a counselor said that. But I think it's an important one. So when you hear these, you're going to think, oh, I've done that before. And it's okay because I've done all of these things before. In fact, even though I know it, I still do these things occasionally because it's almost just an instinct or a habit sometimes. But if you can become aware of it, you can maybe catch yourself doing it and redirect and maybe choose a better. You guys know what I like to say? More strategic option. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your life and your family, get back to living the life that you want to live. And you may be thinking, what does this have to do with addiction? Well, this has mostly to do with recovery, with getting your life back. These communication skills are not specific about addiction. These are just how to be a better communicator, how to be a better friend, how to be a better loved one in general. Anyone and everyone can benefit from understanding these five mistakes and trying your best to avoid them. Now, all of these are things that have actually come up this week in counseling sessions and in consultations. These are all things that I've heard my clients be frustrated with someone else in their life about, because I like to do that. Like, as I go through the week for these lives that we have on Thursdays at 1, I like to think about what's something that's really been an issue this week. And these are. These are the biggies ready for them. The first one is kind of simple. I've done this. This is probably the one I'm probably like, most guilty of doing is like, you know, when someone tells you a story about something in their life, like, sometimes maybe they'll come home, and maybe it's your spouse or whoever your sister like, oh my God, I had the worst day. And they start telling you about their bad day. Well, you start to relate to that because you're like, oh yeah, I know, that's like. But immediately what happens is it jumps in your head, your own story about how you had a really bad day or that happened to you once, or how your day was worse than their day. And you can. Not meaningfully, but you can sort of jump in there and like take over their story or like one up their story. You know, it's like, oh yeah, your day was bad. Like, listen to this is what happened on my day or whatever. And I know when we do that, we're not trying to like, you know, like, take over their thing. It's just. It's really almost our way of relating. However, it can feel like you're pulling the attention back and back onto yourself and it can be frustrating to the person that you're talking to. So be careful. Like I said, I know that's a natural one, and it's not even something that we intentionally do, but I think we're all kind of, kind of guilty of it. It's okay to relate your story, but listen to their story. You know, ask questions, be empathetic, be validating. And then if you want to relate your story, relate your story, but don't. It's easy when it pops in your mind to just jump in, oh, yeah, that happened to me once. And then you go on with your story and you've totally interrupted them. So watch out for that one. Number two, big ginormous communication mistake that you could be making is sometimes people say things that are really hurtful and under the guise of saying that they're truthful, right? Because people will say, like, mean comments or passive aggressive or something like that, and when you call them out on it, they'll say, it's just the truth. Here's the deal. You can be truthful without being hurtful. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, when you're being hurtful, you're being hurtful on purpose. Don't fool yourself. Don't try to justify it or rationalize it like, well, that was the truth. They needed to hear it. Here's the deal. If you care about someone and there's a truth they need to hear, you need to figure out how to say it in a way that's palatable, in a way that they can actually hear. Hear what you're trying to say. If you're really trying to help someone. Because when you're not really trying to help someone. You're either just trying to show that you know more than they do, or you're right, or you're really kind of judging them in some way. You're gonna. You're gonna say it, but you're gonna say it under. Well, it's the truth. How many of you give this video a like or let me know in the comments if you've either done that. Like I said, I've done all these things. Or if you've been on the other end of that and you know just how frustrating it is. Okay, number three, difficult thing that just really doesn't work. And we talk about this one sometimes on this channel, especially for people that are family members and you have an addicted loved one, is trying to get people to change their behavior by telling them what they're doing wrong. I know it seems obvious, like, yeah, that's the wrong choice, or you're not making the smart decision, or that's going to end up badly. You know, we're trying to get somebody to make a better choice or to do something different or change their behavior by telling them what they're doing wrong. Not so helpful. Because all you do when you do that, when you tell someone what they're doing wrong, is you just make them, like, defensive. And even though you're trying to help or maybe you're trying to get them to see a different way, it really just makes people feel defensive and they put their walls up and rarely are you going to get them to be receptive. Unless someone asks you, hey, I just can't make this work. What am I doing wrong? Like, if you're having, like, a technology issue, you can't make something work on your computer and you call your buddy over, like, what am I doing wrong? At that moment, you want to know what you're doing wrong. So with something like that, if it's like, literally, I don't know, like you're trying to fix your car or something, you can tell someone what they're doing wrong. If it's something more like relational or psychological or personal, Lee, you just want to have that conversation differently. You know what? Tell somebody what they're doing right? Maybe they're. They're making 10 mistakes, but they did this one part of it really right. And you'll be like, you know what? You did that one thing that was kind of impressive because that is super helpful. You know, tell them what they're doing right. And. And if someone's doing something wrong in the way they're relating to you like, let's say they, they come at you in a way that you don't like. Instead of telling them what they're not doing or what they're doing wrong, just tell them what you want from them. Hey, I would love it if you did X, Y, or Z. Like I said, people are just gonna be offensive when tell them what they're doing wrong. That just doesn't work so good. So find another way around that. Number four. Fourth big mistake is thinking or assuming that you know how someone else feels or thinks or that you know or assume, you know, like, what their intentions are. This is what, this actually is kind of a something that we talk about in cognitive behavioral therapy. It's called, like, mind reading. Like, oh, I know they did that because they just don't respect me, or they just don't even care about anyone but themselves. We, we jump to these conclusions about why people do what they do. And we think we know what they think, and we think we know why they think what they think. And that, number one, is just plain wrong. You don't know what they think. You may have an idea, and if, if that's going on with you, maybe you could just come at it from a curiosity standpoint and just kind of like ask instead of assume. The other big problem with doing this is because when you assume, a lot of times we assume something negative. Like, we attach a lot of times, like a personal meaning. Like, for example, like if someone has a tendency to be late, you might think to yourself, oh, they just don't respect me at all. They just don't care about somebody else's time. That's probably not what's going on. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm not saying you shouldn't address it. I'm just saying when you do that, you get yourself all upset and then you start behaving in like a negative, hurtful way or a passive aggressive way or something like that. And it's just. It's just not helpful. Now this fifth one, this is the one. I think this is really going to surprise you guys. Get ready for it. This is me, Amber, the counsel. She's about to tell you this. Stop talking about your feelings. Is that one surprising thing. I know it seems like a counselor would say, well, you got to talk about how you feel and you got to get it out there. But I find that people get overly focused on their feelings and they get in these power struggles with other people trying to get this other person to understand those feelings. And I guess There's a little bit of place for that, but I really feel like there's a much more strategic way to go about things. One reason why you don't want to constantly be talking about your feelings. This. This happened recently with a client who was like. She was like, I've been journaling. And then she was like, read me the journal. And I was like, dude, I feel like this is like a list of like, things I'm mad about with this other person. Like, this is like a scorekeeping list. It's not like a journal. It's like, what do you mean? You know, like, for one thing, when you constantly focus on that and you're writing it down and you're saying it all the time, you're keeping yourself stirred up. You're not helping yourself work through that. You're not helping yourself feel better. You're just like gasolining the fires. So even when you're just talking about it a lot, that's what it's doing to you and you're stirring it up. There is a time place to sort through your feelings, to figure out what's going on. Feelings are just little like chemical messengers, like from your brain trying to give you a piece of valuable information. But projecting your feelings onto someone else or keeping on telling them over and over and over how much they've hurt you. It's just not. Just not helpful for you or for them or for your relationship. Be more strategic in how you're communicating your feelings with someone else. Most of the time when you're communicating your feelings towards someone else, you're trying to get them to change a behavior or some way that they're interacting with you or something that they're doing right. You know, you're trying to say, that was hurtful or that made me sad or I can't believe you did that. I'm so upset. So think more strategically in your head. It's like, okay, I need this X, Y or Z behavior in this person to change. There might be a, like, lot more effective way to get that behavior to change other than to talk about your feelings, especially if the feelings are negative. I mean, people are kind of okay if you talk about your positive feelings towards them, but you can overdo that too, actually. But I'm talking especially when you're upset about something or something's negative. Like I said, it's not helping you to regurgitate it a million times, and it's not helping that other person want to treat you different. Because essentially what you're doing and Saying kind of goes back to one of the earlier ones we said, which is you're telling them they're doing something wrong. So when you're doing that, you're kind of hitting that button. And so a better way to do it might just be to be like, oh, I really love it when. Or I would think it was awesome. If, like, if someone says, you know, what's going on with you and you're really upset and they can tell that you're sort of disconnected, you can say, well, you did this, you did that, and you hurt my feelings and I'm so mad at you. You can do that. But again, you're going to put them on that defensive position when probably what you want is you're trying to pull them closer to you. But there's a better way to do it. You know, you can say, I'm really just sorting through some things right now. Or you can say if you've had a chance to sort through it, if you can say what you do want from someone or what you do need from someone, you know, I really want to feel closer to you. That's just gonna go over about a million times better than constantly shoving your feelings down someone else's throat. Because, number one, your feelings are not reality. They're not like how you see someone else isn't how they are. You see someone else as you are not how they are. And so you kind of need to really, when you really fully get this, you really kind of understand that feelings aren't necessarily truth. Your feelings will lie to you. So before you even think about communicating your feelings, you need to sort through them. Now, you can do that in counseling. You tell your counsel your feelings and your counselor can help you sort through them. You can journal about your feelings as long as you're not like, making a hate list, you know, and you're just perseverating on it like, like the Grinch at Mount Olympus up there, just saying, I hate this one and that one. That's not helpful. You got to think about what's a helpful way to process feelings and what's a not helpful way. And for whatever reason, I think we just get these messages about communication that we just need to constantly be communicating how we feel. But there's weird, like, unsaid kind of expectation that if I tell someone how I feel, they're going to change their behavior to make me feel a different way, but that's not necessarily truth. And then you're going to be even more hurt because you said you're feeling and they're not responding the way you want them to respond. A better thing to do is recognize that you're having a feeling, process that in your head or with your counselor or in a journal to figure out why you're feeling that way, what would make that better, what needs to change, and then go about trying to figure out how to get that change from the other person versus just saying your feelings. You guys let me know in the comments if you understand what I'm talking about. Which one of these, in fact, which one of these communication mistakes is maybe like the hardest one for you, the one that you tend to fall into the most? I think for me, I fall into the, like relating to others because I hear so many people's stories. Immediately in my mind, I start remembering back, and it just triggers me to think of things. So I have to kind of keep that. I have to keep that contained, especially as a counselor. I don't want to make it about myself, but it's kind of hard sometimes because you just remember, you just want to tell this interesting story that you thought of. All right, let's see who's here. Who's joining us on our live today. If you're watching on the replay, feel free to communicate in the comments. I'll try to go back and answer and address as many of those as I possibly can. We have a lot of people on here live with us, so let's. Let's say hello to everybody. I see Ebony. Hey, Weston. And Sandy. And is it K Food Toy? I see a lot of hellos. I see Donnie and Sandy. Let's see what Sandy. Sandy always has something wise to say. Sandy says, hi, Amber. My perspective, real empathy is the key, coupled with active listening. Amen to that. Man, I wish I could put that bigger on the screen, Sandy, because I'm right there with you. Mary says, my husband says this all the time. I have to correct him and tell them that you can't be right and wrong at the same time. I like that. You can't be right and wrong at the same time. Another one I would kind of add to that, Mary, is you can't always be right and have your relationship at the same time. Right. You want to be right. You want to have your relationship. Sometimes you got to make choice. Amy's brave. She's going to own that. She's guilty of all those. I appreciate that. Humility, Amy. I think we probably all are. Let's see. Hey, Terry, I see you there. Amy says, tell them what they're doing right so much better. Think about yourself, right? How would you want to be communicated to if someone told you what you were doing? Right. It just makes you want to do more of that. Like, you just appreciate it makes your dopamine flow and your serotonin, and then you just want to act better, make better choices and please this other person that's talking to you. It's just more effective. Marty says, respond, don't react. Amen to that. Let's see. Sandy says, I understand, but after drinking six months straight and four cans a day, I get frustrated, too. You make a great point, Sandy, and that that's a situation where you actually. You're having a feeling of frustration. I can't take this anymore. Like I'm having some bad thoughts about you. And it's okay to have that feeling. That's when you probably need to recognize it's not a good time to communicate much of anything if you don't have to. And I think it's good to have that awareness that you're having, Sandy, to be aware that you're just in a really bad place. And if you talk about it right now or if you say something, it's not going to go good. That's a smart, wise decision, to just keep that for a second until you're in a little bit better place. Hey, Hondo, let's see. Irish says, jesus, I can't help myself. I start calm and then it goes south. I'm sure you're not the only one. Someone out there tell Irish that she's not alone out there, that we've all. We've all done it. I'm telling you, I've done all these things in spite of. Still do all these things. Even though I'm supposed to be a good communicator, I still do all these things. So Hondo also says, how long till you go tough love on someone? I think it depends on what you mean by tough love. A lot of times when people say that, I think what they mean is like, throw them out, cut them off from your life, stop talking to them, if that's what you mean. I think sometimes you have to do that, Honda. But it's most extreme cases, in my mind, a better version. I don't know if I would call it tough love or maybe I don't. I don't know what the term would be, but it's kind of like, I'm gonna back up. I'm gonna let you make some mistakes. I'm gonna love you anyway, but I'm gonna back up. So that I'm not being hurt by your mistakes so much that I can keep caring about you. And that's, that's a wise thing to do, especially when you feel like you're getting close to that, like, real frustration point where you know that whatever you say or do is really just going to damage the situation. That's when you probably need to have that backup moment. Sandy says, what about our needs? I'm glad you said that, Cindy, because a lot of times when I talk on these videos, especially from my videos that are to the family members, and I'm trying to teach you how to get through to the addicted person. I get that kind of comment a lot. Well, what about us? Don't mind either. Needs matter. This is about your needs, Sandy. This is me teaching you how to get your needs met better. I know it feels like I'm saying be considerate of the person, be nice, be positive. And I am saying that. But I'm also saying that when you do these things, this is going to get your needs much better, get your needs met much better. Because the person is going to respond to you positively. They're going to respond to you in a better way, which is getting your needs met. This is actually just more effective way to get your needs met. And it's, it's the right thing to do. It's the nice thing to do. So you get to feel good about the way you went about getting your needs met, too. So it's like a double win. Amy says she thinks it's okay to take care of ourselves. I totally agree. Jesse says, I've taken the honest, not sugarcoating approach for both of us, and it has been working well. No assumptions made. So what? Just saying. I think there is a way to be honest with someone, but not mean and hurtful to someone. And you can stop and think and choose your words wisely. I'm not saying that you can't say what's going on or say the truth about something. I'm just saying the truth shouldn't be used as a weapon because when you use it as a weapon, when you use it because you're hurt and you're trying to hurt the other person back, or when you're trying to make someone see something just so fast, you're just trying to cram it down their throat or something, it just doesn't work. So, yeah, you can be truthful, but you can do truthful in a nice way. Like, for example, if. If your girlfriend says, do I look fat in these jeans? And she does. You could say, yeah, you look fat in those jeans. Or you could say, you know, I really like that gray pair you have, man. Those things make you look smoking. Both things are the truth. And one thing is going to work more effectively for you. Hopefully that makes it. Make it a little bit more sense. Kay says, I never. I never ever tell even the word. I never even tell the word addict. But still he doesn't realize it. I think what you're saying is, like, you don't use the word addict or term. And. But you're. But you're saying, but the person still doesn't realize it there an addict. Sometimes it's. And I've got a lot of videos on this. Sometimes a person may not like that term. They may not identify with that word, but they may realize that the substance is causing problems. In fact, I can tell you because I'm the one that usually sees the person with the addiction in the office, most of the time, they do get it. They may not get it fully like you get it, but they get it more than they let on because they're defensive about it. And so they're not going to let you see that vulnerable side of them. But most, almost all of the. The people that ever come in my office, even if they had a lot of big talk with their family member or whatever the truth of it is, they may not say, I'm an addict, but they'll say, yeah, I know I shouldn't have done that, or, I know it's getting a little too far. They. They know deeper than they let. Than they let on to you. So we have a Facebook user who says, yeah, I back up myself as I was fearful I was getting too frustrated. Told her to stop her worrying, and she had lost another family member. Yeah, that's an. I could make a hold. That's a great one that. You know, we do that sometimes, like when we say things like, stop worrying about it or it's not a big deal or everything's gonna be okay. And a lot of times when we do that, we're trying to, like, comfort someone. But one of the things. And I could literally do a whole video on this. But when you do that, sometimes it just comes across as invalidating. So sometimes people want to hear it's going to be fine. And sometimes it feels like you're minimizing their. Their concern, frustrated or, or you're somehow telling them, like, their reaction is wrong, like, oh, you shouldn't be this upset about it, which then makes people feel even more upset. So I'm glad you, I'm glad you said that because that's a, that's a good one. Ebony says, I'm just mentally exhausted, so tired of trying to, trying it makes it a little easier to tell him he can go. Okay, we, and we do have some, I have several videos on should they stay or should they go? When do you know if it's time to kick them out? Stuff like that. So if that's something that you're going through, just like Ebony, there's definitely a lot of material on this channel about that. Speaking of, back this past Valentine's, I did a fun video, actually. My, I have my family on it, my husband and my son. And we did a little video about 36 questions designed to make someone fall in love with you. But really there are 36 questions designed to help people feel connected. So if you have a relationship and it can be a friendship, it can be anything. If you have. Even if it's like maybe you run a group or you're in a group and you just want to get people opened up more and you want to get communication going in the right way and connected, those 36 questions really promote openness and honesty and vulnerability. That will really help people connect together. So I went ahead and put the link to that where you can download those questions in the description so you guys can definitely check those out. So if you want to know something, I'm telling you now, things that make things worse. But if you want to know something that might make things better or bring you closer to someone, definitely take a look at those. Denise says, so how do you work on your marriage when you're alcoholic, pot smoking, spouse keeps pushing you away and giving you silent treatment for weeks because you question their addictive behavior? My husband treats me like I'm a roommate and so frustrating. That's the thing is because you're questioning their addictive behavior. And I actually have a ton of videos on this channel. In fact, there's a whole playlist called Motivating Someone to Take Steps towards Their Recovery. And it'll, it'll give you a lot of advice and helpful hints and information about how to address the issue in a way that's going to make them receptive. Because if you, if you come at it real directly and you and you, and you're constantly harping on them and you're trying to make them see something they don't want to see, they're going to push you away like that. And so step number one is actually to build some trust and relationship before you can even do anything. But you'll see all that if you take a look at that. If you take a look at that playlist, Denise, I think you're going to see a ton. Honda says sometimes jail is the only place that helps, but some never get better. Sometimes the jail helps because sometimes, if nothing else, it gets someone cleaned up and their brain starts working better and they actually make the choice that they want to do something different. So you're right, it can be helpful sometimes. Thank you, everyone, for joining us. Up next, I want you to watch this video. I've got a video up here on assertiveness that I want you to take a look at. So I want you to learn how to communicate your needs and get your needs met. And I have a video. If you haven't seen it, I really want you to watch it on Reflective Listening. Both of these are going to make you a much more effective communicator and make your relationships better. And ultimately, you'll be happier, healthier, and you'll get your needs met better. See you guys next time.