I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You 💔😥

I love you, but I'm not in love with you. In today's video, we're going to talk about what that actually means and what to do about it. And as always on this channel, we want to talk about it from every perspective. So we're going to give you some advice and recommendations if you're the person that's feeling this feeling, or if you're the person that's hearing this, as in someone recently said this to you. But before we get too far into that, I'd like to tell you about the sponsor of today's video, which is betterhelp. That's Better H E L P, which is an online counseling service available to people worldwide. Now, in 2022, it's my goal to bring you a more comprehensive mental health approach, because as we know, addiction and recovery is not just about substances. It's about building a life that you love. 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All right, back to our topic. So I love you, but I'm not in love with you. What that typically means if you're thinking it or if someone recently told it to you, it means that the person who's saying it doesn't have those attraction butterflies, those romantic feelings towards you. It usually does mean that they care about you as a person. They don't want anything bad to happen to you, but they're just not feeling that romantic chemistry. Usually when people say this, it's usually because maybe they had it before, but they lost it somewhere in the process. Occasionally you might run across this. If one person is Maybe attracted to you, but you're not attracted to them back. And you may say, well, it's kind of similar to like, I love you like a friend, but not like the other way. When this kind of situation is going on between two people, it's pretty uncomfortable and measurable for both people, actually. So let's take a look at what it means on either side of the issue. It means a person wants to feel that strong desire feeling. They want to feel desirable. They sort of have that craving inside of wanting to feel that excitement, that new love, romance, excitement kind of feeling, which actually happens because of the chemical dopamine. Remember, dopamine is the desire chemical, which is one of the reasons why we're talking about this topic. Because all things addiction related have to do with dopamine. Early in a romantic relationship, you usually have a lot of infatuation feelings. Now, the clinical term for that is limerence. But it's this state of mind where you, like, crave the other person. You're almost obsessed with the other person. Your reason and rational ability goes way down. And you're just desire and motivation go way up. It's a good feeling because it's exciting. It means that you're really attracted to another person. And your thoughts can even become consumed with that other person. And one of the problems with this whole scenario is that our society as a whole really glamorizes this process. In fact, our society sends these messages that that's what love is. And so when we're not feeling those excitements and butterflies anymore, we think, I'm not in love with you anymore. And what that means is I don't feel that chemical kind of attraction to you anymore, that excitement. But to be honest with you, that's what's supposed to happen in a relationship. You see, humans are made that way. We're made so that when we first get attracted to someone, we're obsessed with them. We want to be around them all the time. We think about nothing else. We want to make them happy. We're interested in anything they're interested in. And the reason why humans are made that way is for procreation purposes, right? It makes you want to that person all the time. Can't keep your hands off of them. Can't get enough of them. Well, that's all about science and making babies. However, that feeling wears off and it's supposed to wear off. And the reason that feeling wears off and it's supposed to wear off is because once you make the babies, you have to take care of the babies, which means your attention has to go towards something else. So typically that infatuation stage can last somewhere between eight to 12 months, maybe a little bit longer. It can last longer, particularly in cases where you can't really have that other person. Like if it's a long distance relationship or if it's like I'm in love with this person, but they're not really available to me, it can actually extend this infatuation phase or limerence stage. And that can be a little unhealthy when that happens. But you got to remember those butterflies are supposed to wear off. So if you're the one having this feeling, one thing I would want you to know is it really doesn't mean that you're not in love with someone else. It means you don't have that strong desire dopamine chemical in your brain anymore. And I get it, you miss it and it makes you feel good. But no matter what person it is, that feeling state cannot last. It's just the way that we're biologically made. The problem is we get all this messaging from our society that says this is what love is and if you're not feeling it, this person must not be the one for you. Which is really problematic because it sets our expectations up all wrong. Because then we begin to think something's wrong with the relationship. I'm not in love with you. It means we're not going to work together. And a lot of relationships and even marriages and families fall apart because of this. So one really important thing I want you to know if you're the one thinking or feeling this, is that this is about a desire to feel attractive. And after that initial infatuation phase with someone, it doesn't ever come back really strong like that. It doesn't mean something's wrong with the relationship. It just means you've moved on to a different phase of the relationship. Now there's some things you can do in a relationship that will help you stay more attractive. But you're not going to get those strong limerence infatuation feelings back once you've been in a long term relationship with someone. It's just the biology of the situation. So please keep in mind that it doesn't mean you're not with the one person for you. Because you can go out and you can have limerence infatuation with someone else because of the newness, right? The desire to want them. It's really just a craving for that dopamine spirit, spite. So if this is you and you're in this situation, one thing you might want to do is kind of like assess your expectations, because like I said, you can have that feeling for someone else. But in eight to 12 to 15 months, that feeling is going to go away with that other person. And if you're married to someone and you have children with someone and you're thinking about breaking up your whole family over this feeling because you think it means that it's not the person for you, I want you to think really hard about it. Now, I don't really mean you should ignore it completely. It just means that maybe in your relationship, both people need to work on really recreating a little bit more attractiveness to each other. Hang in there and keep watching because I am going to tell you what makes you more attractive to another person. So if you're trying to work on this, you know what you need to be doing. But before I do that, let's move over to the other side of the equation. If you are the person that's recently heard this statement, as in your partner or your spouse or whoever recently told you this, it can feel devastating. And I'm not going to lie to you, there's some bad news here. Because to be really honest, when someone actually says this to you, they've been thinking it and feeling it for a long time before they said it, they probably had to work up the courage to say it. And the unfortunate thing about that is, during all that time they've spent with that thought and that feeling, they've been nurturing that feeling and it's been building. And what it means is, I want that feeling back, which means I want to have that romance with someone else. A lot of times by the time someone says that to you, they may already be in a relationship with someone else. And if they're not already in a relationship with someone else, they're already looking for it and they want it. So if someone has said this to you, it is a major warning sign, red flag that you definitely need to pay attention to. Do not take it lightly. If this is you and someone's told this to you and you really want to save this relationship, it's going to take some hard work. You're going to have to focus on being attractive to that other person, but not needy. Because a lot of times what this does, when someone says this to you, it throws you into, like a state of desperation. You either get really mean or you. You get really needy. And neither of which are very attractive. So a lot of times, once someone says this to someone Else it provokes this reaction, that person that only makes things a hundred times worse. So if someone's saying this to you, you're going to have to really get control and contain here. Even though all of your instincts are probably screaming wanting you to make all kind of bad decisions. Now, if you've been in a long term relationship, I've already told you there's no way to get that really strong butterfly feeling kind of thing back. But you can bring a little bit of so let's talk some about the qualities that will make you attractive. The first and most important quality that makes someone attractive is confidence. No surprise there, right? Which is why if you get needy or desperate or angry, that's really just not confidence. Let's face it, it's not sexy. So let's try to keep that reined in. Intelligence is another factor that makes you really attractive. Sometimes this scenario of I love you but I'm not in love with you happens when one person feels like they've kind of outgr or become kind of bored with the other person. And maybe that means you haven't had very many like good, stimulating, even conversations lately. You've probably noticed it too, right? You've probably noticed things have gotten a little stale. Are you bringing something stimulating intellectually into the relationship? Now? Another quality that makes you attractive is your passion and your drive. If you're bored with life, if you've kind of given up and fallen into a slump, it's hard to be attractive. If you're stuck in a relationship, it's a good idea to work on yourself to build your own confidence because all of your best qualities are going to come through when you're in that state, making you more attractive to the other person. Now here's the thing. If you're in this situation on either side, both people have some responsibility here, right? It's not one or the other. It's kind of inevitable in a relationship actually. And there are things that you can do to make it better. If you're really struggling with this because you're feeling this and you're not sure if you should leave a relationship or if because your partner has told you this and you're scared of losing the relationship, you may want to consider talking to a professional about it. Now, I'm going to leave you the betterhelp description in the link so you can get access to that service if and when you need it. Now, if you are the person that's feeling this feeling and it feels like it happens to you, like a lot or all the time or it always happens to you. Then you might even be having an avoidant attachment style issue. Now, if you want to know what that is, I'm going to put this video up here for you so you can watch it and learn all about attachment.